Among the near-50 mass that showed up Puff MQD, CSI, PCP, My Fucking Precious, Jack Off On The Pot, Rod Lover, Goat Blower, Serial Box, Pussy Sipper, Finger Nips, Banana Basher, Arabian Goggler, Just Dusty, Just Andrew (I think), My Lil Bony, Dr. Nappy, PABST Lamblowme, Hogazm, Capt Jack Swallows, Hugh Heifer, Timmy!!!, Just Nick, Neighborhood Watch, Choka Cola, Lizardo, Snach.cum, Suck Cockran, ButtBalls, Jiz Bollah, Cumz & Go, Spooge Bath, Piss N Booth, Lil Anal Annie, Cumz Out My Nose, Pussy Galore, Hairy Potter, Virgin Sheila, Pixilated Obsenity, Loose Stool, Nataly Cum-On-My-Cheek, Seemore Dick, Six of Nine, Cervix Denied, Stupid Pussy, Daddies Lil Helmet, Training Bra, Dog Breath [is that all Ralph?].

With such a large group its hard to come up with good gossip. So lets see here lets make some up... Daddies Lil Helmet is pregnant. NO! damnit its true. Ok, Nadias pregnant then...SHIT thats true too. Damnit. Ok, Six is pissed off...I mean Dog Breath is late. I'm lost. Problem when too many people show up to the Hash. Too much truth not enough fiction.

Trail. Very well layed (or is it laid?). 

Starting from Casa de Norm (might I add the location of one of my original hashing introductions) the pack heads East along Soquel only to be lost immediately it ends up . Trail is finally found and most of us whip [it out at the ball game] through the City lot and down Benito. As the headstrong pack jay-walks across a Water St full of stunned pedestrians we are lost finally on the corner of Poplar and Melrose. Since the FRBs that are leading this group of imbeciles are relatively new no one bothers to check the alley that leads to true trail. Ending up on Keystone and a place of distant past I'd rather not be [I] rapidly pace past the Stanford St and proceed up B40.  True trail continues except for another circle jerk past Rite-Aide. Personally I thought it might go to Rip Van Wrinkle's place (formerally Loose and Nadias') but I was wrong and trail hung a right down Soquel right into the back of B40 plaza.

Though we learn later that due to the large turn out the BM nearly snared the Hares as she replenished the depleted trough.

Anyhow onto religion. For whatever reason our RA claims he is under the weather but any seasoned hasher knows all that means is he is getting laid. In the mean-time we appoint our RA Emeritus Pixilated Obscenity to the task. First victims are our knocked up harriets Daddies Lil Helmet and Nadia Cum-on-my Cheek. They are awarded their non-alcohol down-downs.

Next would be the harriets who are such consistent backsliders that they even forgot their Hash Name when it came to circle.Who might they be? I forgot![suck and cervix btw]

Third up for Pixie's inquisition are our FHAC-u visitors Goggler, Six, and C>.

Fourth is Piss N' Booth for running into a wall while parking her car. When asked whether she damaged her car her reply "I haven't looked yet I will look later when I'm not drinking". Sure she will have plenty of opportunities to dent her car on the way home.

Backsliders are next the likes of Dog Breath, Loose Stool, and Butt Balls. Somehow Pixie screwed up the song and the pack awards her a Zicky-Zacky.

Sixthly the pack attempts to name Just Nick. He has a rank of E-7 in the USMC or to you civilians his rank is Staff Sergeant. He is attending the DLI and learning (what was it Arabic? Who the fuck cares). He likes spandex. Fuck Wheat is suggested. He is married w/ 2 kids. Don't Ask Don't Tell is dropped. Someone asks him what Nick mean in Arabic. Apparently its something rather interesting but I was unable to jot it down in time. Camel Toe, Spandex & Arabic. He will drink while we think about it.

Virgin Shelia is called up and given the usual options.  But since Pixie is our RA she gives her the option of showing her Uvula. Shelia is smart and knows what the Uvula is and does so.

Nick is brought back up. Other names are suggested Sausage Casing and Staff Sausage are added. With this 50+ strong pack halfway sloshed there is no way we are going to come up with a name. Its tabled until next week (Red Dress, what a great time). 

Finally the Hares LC Norm and Pearl.  They met, drank, fucked, and got engaged at the Hash. Now its their 5th Analversary.

Well, onto the OnOnOn, shame the bus calls. I promise you I will make it to one soon! See you next time at the Red Dress!

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Present for said calamity include the likes of Beaver Whacker, Hugh Heifer, Cum Lord, CSI, Cumz Out Her Nose, PCP, Pussy Galore, Snach.cum, Daddy War Bucks, Capt Jack Swallows, Choka-cola, Spooge Bath, Swiss Army Cock, Puff MDQ, My Fucking Precious, Dr. Nappy, Hairy Potter, Pussy Sipper, Serial Box, Finger Nips, Goat Blower, Hoggy, LC Norm, Pearl Necklace, Rod Lover, Lizardo, Jordass, Jizz Bollah, Cumz & Goes, Loose Stool, dBased, Hot Wheels, Little Spit, Dog Breath, Just Dusty, Just Andrew, Virgin Mike, & your scribe Ralph. 

Puff tastes like liver someone says.

Trail heads down the tracks and immediately runs into law enforcement. Fortunately they were only attending to a malfunctioning railroad crossing. From Swift St Daddy War Bucks finds a false down Mission Ext. True Trail was found up Swift and through the Grandview neighborhood to Western Dr. Trail was briefly lost as people wandered this way and that until trail was found going up through a housing development at the end of Grandview. Where on earth could this trail go? In between a few houses and up a hill behind the Outlook Apts. The thirsty pack was at this point hoping there would be beer soon as we danced across Western Drive again and headed (head? who said head?) down Flower around another street only to find once again we are visiting the hydrogen-sulfide infested Meder Gulch Abyss. Fortunately for the pack and unfortunately for our livers our hare Timmy!!! left us with a bottle of Glenlivich Scotch which solved the mystery of what the SC check was. A few lung-fulls of sewer gas we end up the hill to McMillan working our way DOWN (fortunately not up) Bayona. Gee we are unusually close to Timmy!'s house. No wonder he didn't tell me anything about trail this evening. Anyhow, to make a long story short we end up in Timmy!'s back yard enjoying beer and what was left of teryaki wings or legs or whatever they were (fucking short-cutting DFLs).  Another unfortunate occurrence for our Hare is a large part of the 38 strong pack appeared in the 15 minute head start time and he had to rush down to the local inebriants-to-go proprietor to restock on beer. Somehow Banana ended up going with and saved the PBR lovers by returning with a 12...na make it 24 pack of Fuck That Shit! PBR! 

Anyhow, onto religion which turned out to be a spirituous event. Given that its a special time where we have not only 3 analversaries but one of them is someone's #400 the RA and his co-conspirator planned an extra special religion. After rushing to the local Safeway and securing some nice frosty bags of ice religion ensued. Loose Stool is called for Beer Fairy. First up is Cumz Out Her Nose for her 69th, but damn you scribe forgot Cumz & Goes for wearing some pathetic Argyle socks on trail. Finally after planted on the ice for a few minutes we give Cumz Out Her Nose is given her down-down for successfully wasting $5 69 times. Next would be Hugh Heifer for her 25th and she is planted on the ice (I think her boobs should have been on the ice in retrospect) but damn that forgetful scribe forgot Jiz Bollah for scrawling all that stuff about PCP  on the ground during trail.  Finally Hugh is relieved from ice-ass duty for her 25th. It would have been 69 except for a drunk driver interfered. Finally Banana is placed on the ice. Flappy, white, bare-assed and all. But wouldn't you know, the RA and Scribe forgot about a few other down-downs first. The first two are Dog Breath and Swiss Army Cock. Dog Breath lead Swiss astray and almost ended up killing Swiss. Which is probably due in part to Swiss ending up at the beer check with a nearly empty bottle from the Scotch Check.  Next to be called while Banana cool down on ice is Choka Cola and Lizardo. Apparently the two were having a non-Hasher dinner party when the loud [quiet] 70's pop [read: 70's PORN music] ended up with a visit from Santa Cruz PD. Fucking neighbors! Finally to Banana. Banana Basher: A man that only missed 7 SCH3 hashes since its inception. He even left his wife at Stanford just to Hash. A man that has spent over $2,000.00 for hash cash alone. Not to mention at bar tabs afterwards. Banana stories were rquested afterwards (in case his bums wern't numb yet). Stories like Banana's old restaurant having such a high bar that you could touch the celing. He also got so drunk (Banana? Noooo...) that he slept [read: passed out] 5 times in his tenure as a Sports Bar Operator.  Pearl the gave Banana a lap dance and Banana is done chilling out. The next victim is the Virgin who is here courtesy of the Internet and Swiss Army Cock.  He tells a joke that is not worth repeating. FINALLY the Hare. Yes the usual accolades or do I mean insults? Yes insults. OnOn

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TV Show: Mythbusters:

Adam Savage: Looks like we have another alcohol related myth.

Jamie Heinaman: Does this mean we have to get drunk in the morning again?

Adam Savage: I don’t think we have to, you know, maybe we can. 

Well you scribe didn’t get drunk this morning, he was too tired from doing The Relay [yes I know, its RACEism and I will pay for it] and it occurred to me that I didn’t get the last two trashes done, but since I took today off, maybe I could get one done.

Attendance: Pussy Sipper, PCP, PABST Lamblowme, Finger Nips, Timmy!!!, My Lil Bony, Banana, Puff, Tater Tits, Serial Box, CSI, HogaSm [you missed the relay], Snach.cum, Jordass, Dr. Nappy, Rod Lover, Cervix Denied, Cum Lord, Cumz out My Nose, Suck Cockran, Lil Anal Annie, Just Nick, Just Esti, Virgin Andrew. 

Lets see, Graham Hill Road mini-mart parking lot.  Last time we were here a CHP pulled up and was served food by some woman. 

Today Daddy War Bucks has handfuls of cedar woodchips for our trail today. Oh and I should mention Piss N Booth is also a co-hare with a bit of flour. 

Jordass shows up wearing a white shirt and tie.

“aww…he’s in his dork outfit” quips Serial Box.

“tell him the dork run is next week” barks Pabst Lamblowme

I also wrote FUCK I HATE DOGS! Dogs that off leash rub along the PO then turn around rub past people’s bare legs.  Not my idea of fun. 

Trail was interesting.  He remarked that he had cedar shavings because he didn’t want to piss the rangers off. Yeah that’s a clue.

Essentially trail took off up the hill the same way Daddy did trail from the same location.  Except when trail headed down the hill towards Henry Cowell. It should be noted that part of the pack who overheard Daddy mention rangers figured well, where else is it going to go? and headed up Graham Hill. 

A long [read: short] few twists and turns through Henry Cowell we end up in a similar area that Daddy had lead us to around a year ago.  We are in a peaceful valley, with water flowing through it, amongst the redwoods, and best of all there is BEER!!! 

After getting swiped numerous time by wet, PO laden dogs we lead the pack back to Graham Hill Plaza (or whatever its called) meanwhile being swiped numerous times again by wet PO laden dogs. 

After Annie is nominated to be Beer Fairy first called up is Just Nick. 

Just Nick visits the alter because while at the Piss’ typical Bad Wine Check that most of us (those that followed true trail) after getting the bottle HogaSm took a swig (somewhere after Just Nick) and spit the foulness out following with the “That’s not cooking wine! That’s cooking shit!”.  Must have been madeira wine or something of the vintage.  

An additional down-down is awarded to PABST Lamblowme for wondering why the RA looks so good today.  Its because he’s 30 today!

A new crime is developed in part by bribes and pressure from the Scribe developed specifically for Snach.cum for bringing a crazy dog that tried to give the whole kennel PO. 

Pussy Sipper is called to the alter for his 25^th attempt to abandon his dog Sherman.

HogaSm is summoned to the alter for echoing my displeasure of the PO and dogs (well, more the PO) for her predilection for itching. 

Cervix denied is nominated for being a ridiculous backslider. Her excuse? In India and New Zeland. No Madonna style adoptions yet.

Virgin Andrew is called up to do his Joke, Song, or Body Part.  He chooses a politically incorrect joke that we won’t repeat here.

Followed lastly by the HARES. RA is off the hook for the Shitty Trail that I wasn’t sorry I missed.  Sawdust is the excuse one of Daddy because it being the green solution to hashing as the forest is where trees fall and get cut up.  Piss was there as merely a ploy to making people believe that trail was going to be an 8+ mile trail up to the first tunnel along the railroad tracks that used to lead over the hill only to find a YBF.

The next trail already happed so I won't say much more...yet. 

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Apparently Technical Blackout overheard of my engagement and was quoted as saying “What? Ralph engaged? There’s hope for me yet. Hashing will NOT be my life!” Well I wouldn’t hold out too much hope.  On trail dBASED carries his lampshade, says “I have no strap”. Coulda used an old jock strap you’d think. Stupidly Foot Loose says she did not bring a lampshade. Then overheard whispering, “I forgot the damn thing”.  I mean its only the LAMPSHADE RUN RIGHT???? Daddee was asked where Stupid Pussy is: He’s at a meeting. Doesn’t she know that’s the oldest one in the book?  Get ready for more of the same. Being my son is 5, I found many reasons to be ‘lost’ while his mum was of child.

As its reported to me our typically inexperienced hares laid a piss-poor trail.  Not only did Jordass refuse to wear his lampshade (he left it in that find quality 1984 Ford Tempo, the same place it was when I saw him driving down Soquel ~9am).  Secondly Choka turns the wrong way out of the parking lot only to find a dead-end. 

Typical amateur trail ensued.  Down Mission to go right onto Western Dr.  Across Gran Ole’ One and onto Grandview.  Grandview up to Arroyo Seco up to Escalona Dr.  Escalona was taken to Miramar where I found evidence of cocaine or um anthrax or um flour on my worn-out rear-left tire. Too bad 90% of the pack didn’t realize whose house that belonged too (not me).  Stupidly trail did end up continuing up Escalona to Anthony to Bay but was so poorly marked (even as I discovered r*nning on Saturday) that few followed.  The pack soon found their way back to Mission and on-right all the way back to Fair Ave.  Following Fair onto Ingalls and all the way to the Santa Cruz Mtn Brewing Company for the Beer Check.  Now what baffles me is when I came down Bay Ave and down the center of said green belt I found many a evidence of trail.  Including something that may have been a special liquor check however seeing nothing in the trail notes I assume that most of the pack missed this and either the local rodents/students/bums found this trail treat. 

Anyhow, those that made it to the SCMBC, drank for free.  Since trail was long, confusing, and poorly laid, many hasher had stayed behind and drank margaritas at the Mexican Restaurant known as La Mission courtesy of Norm and Pearl.  Those who showed up late ended up paying their own way because our quality RA but the INEPT Hare closed the tab at SCMBC before the DFLs showed up. 

As for the Turkey/Eagle split (a rare occurrence at SCH3) there was no evidence of said anomaly. The hares reported it would not be marked until three marks after a check.  Yet another amateur faux-pas by our amateur hares.  

Religion went something like this:

Bony is appointed Beer Fairy.

Vince: Like your lazy scribe work is slightly more important than hashing so I have to leave soon. [Vince actually wakes up earlier than Ralph’s 0530hrs alarm]. Vince err… um PABST disappeared shortly after.

Finger is given a down-down for best lampshade and for having a fringe that actually lit up.  One wonders what Burning Bush’s lampshade woulda’ looked like[?].

Six being his usual self [read: probably drunk] self tried to call Finger for having a hat on and was customarily awarded a zicky-zacky considering it was only a lampshade. 

A down-down proxy for Ralph was given to Just Peter for having no lampshade. 

Virgin Dusty was next (Dr. Nappy made him come).  He showed the crack-of-the-moon to the approval of harriettes present. 

Training Bra is awarded a ceremonious down-down for her 25^th.  I doubt she will miss her 25^th patch considering they were in my car parked on Escalona.

Lizzardo is awarded his deserving punishment for thinking the large “T” on trail denoted a tit check. Supposedly it meant the Turkey Trail [note to those that cared, Eagle probably when up that nasty hill towards Nobel]. On HashSpace I shall refer Lizzardo to the Tit-Check Group so he might have an idea of what a Tit-Check-Mark really looks like…or maybe some real tits, not sure how prudish that Choka-Cola really is.

Cordelia called up as Virgin even though she never even set foot on trail. She flashed her cute little English “bum” much to the enjoyment of males present and a select few of our perverted harriettes.

As for the following week Rod could not remember who next week’s hare was. Fortunately PG remembered it’s Piss ‘n Booths & Daddy War Bucks. PnB was still there but didn’t seem to remember either. Great! One hare that can’t LAY a trail and one hare that can’t RUN a trail! [Yes, we are FUCT again next week].

Finally the on-on-on was at, and what a surprise, the Crap Place. Adam let the herd in without paying the cover for the entertainment. Not sure if he likes us or is just scared of us. Only time shall tell…       

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