As my tenure as Hash Scribe slowly comes to an end my second to last scribing brings us to Snatch.cums house.  As the pack circle the neighborhood trying to fight the crowds who are attending Santa Cruz Highs Football game (which Halloween pre-empted).  Our pack is plentiful despite the rainy conditions. The likes of Timmy!, Cum Lord, CSI, Goat blower, Hunter Lamblowme, broke bench, Cream Filled Twinkie, Snatch.cum, Hugh Heifer, Capt Jack, Puff MDQ, PCP, Serial box, Tounge Job, Finger Nips, Pearl, Norm, Hairy Potter, Choka Cola, dbased, Hot Wheels, O Holy Nutz, Jordass, Pixie, Suck Cockran, Accuprick, Tiny Whiney, Goldie CoXXX.

As we amoeba up in Snatches Kitchen for the banana Auntie Trail or also known as our usual tour of downtown.  From Snatches front door on Maple trail takes a right to a check.  While some of the pack waste their time checking around I immediately head towards Laurel down Chestnut (I think).  There might have been a check but its unlikely to go anywhere but towards downtown.  I think dbased or someone else might have found trail on the opposite side of the road but myself and a few other keep on.  When we got to Pacific the search was on for Hare Arrows, but flour continues to Front St.  I guess an On-Left and am correct.  I had heard there might be a crossing through a bar so Suck and myself short-cut a left on Cathcart with a right on Pacific Ave.  We are correct.  By the time we reached Cooper St there was a check.  I incorrectly lead Suck astray while we checked the Locust St garage.  WRONG.  Trail took a left on Locust and another left down Cedar St.  beer is found on top of the Walnut St Garage.  Well sorta.  We sede bananas truck, but no banana. Turns out banana had forgotten his keys at Snatchs house and that fatman had to run back to A to get them.  While running back he is stopped for jaywalking by the police.  He had to lie his way successfully out of a ticket.  While at the beer check a city official told us we couldn’t hang out there.  We told him we were moving on in just a few, (lie 2 of the night) which was sufficient for him.  I am also told to make fun of how Accu pronounces STAAAAK Naked.  Damn Massholes.  Back at Snatches place for Religion our guest RA is Todd Palin who makes an appeal to the voters.  He calls up Goldie CoXXX who came without a costume (beer bitch).  He calls me up for my lack of a proper imitation of Jordass. Broke bench gets lovely shirts for depicting Sarah Palin. Goat blower [Hoggy] gets called up for her 69^th Hash with the real Goat blower.  The best right-wing supporters, the religious right, Tiny Whiney, Pearl, Timmy!!!, and O Holy Nutz are next.  Timmy!!! aka Friar Fuck stays up for his 150^th Hash. The cleavage contingent is next Finger Nips, Serial box, Snatch.cum, Choka, Hugh, and Twinkie.  Suck Cockran who wore an awesome costume is called up especially since she took it off for religion.  Damnit, someone got best Accessory for showing his moose knuckle and can of spooge, someone can fill that in.  Someone else got complimented with a down-down for the best dead looking costume.  Banana is next for best costume (his usual jail suit).  He came as Wall St. His costume is actually what got him pulled over for jaywalking. Finally the Hares receive their usual accolades and insults.  On-Out to the AGM next week.

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Today is a birthday for Timmy!!! He has chosen Puff for a co-Hare.  More later, the poor suckers who showed up include the likes of: PCP, Tater Tits, Finger Nips, Norm, Pearl, Hugh Heif, Snatch.cum, broke bench Mountain, butt balls, Capt Jack, Hoggy, Serial box, Hairy Potter, Choka Cola, Cum Lord, Goat blower, banana, bad Yeast, Tiny Whiney, Goldie Coxxx, Accu, Lil Anal Annie, Daddy Wb, dbased, Flaccid, Virgin Jennifer, Auntie Cumyma, and O Holy Nutz. 

As we sit in the Santa Cruz Mountain brewery enjoying the billy bragg and Wilco playing in the background when the music changes to some kind of rap music.  A small group of us is a little annoying when butt balls reminds us of the Greg Allman quote “Rap is short for crap”.  During the pre-lube we get a drive-by backslider.  The famous Drop and blow Me shows up. I believe he was part of the shindig that was going on across the way from us at the old bonny Doon Winery that has now been converted to commercial use.  We also are witness to Flaccid returning a dress that she had left there.  The reason we wernt worried was due to his current relationship and we know he could do much better.

Now onto my account of this travesty we call trail.  After leaving the back of the brewery we follow the tracks a short distance to Swift St.  True-trail goes up Mission St to a backcheck (I should mention a false was placed on the railroad tracks marked with a two-line false).  Typical of Puff it goes up a drainage all the way to Grandview.  Decorated cutely with a stuffed rat or two.  The drainage leads to a wooden bridge in which we have to hop a waste-high fence.  We cross a fence and a neighbor points us in the direction the FRbs had gone.  We end up on Grandview and head East.  We spend a good 15 minutes trying to find trail.  Turns out true-trail went west on Grandview.  A check at Grandview and Western proves to be the check from hell.  I can truly say that at this point trail went down the toilet.  Accu found a false up Western, but some trail was found on the continuation of Grandview.  We attempt to access the quasi-trail up behind the houses only to find another cute two-line false. One mark is found across Hwy 1.  The pack spends countless minutes wandering up and down Hwy 1 trying to find flour.  For someone who likes to stache flour on trail Puff sure isn’t using much of it.  At this point we head (head? Who said head) back towards Western Dr and civilization.  We see the DFLs on Mission and wonder if they know something we don’t.  They pass Natural bridges only to turn around.  We give up and decide to return to Point A.  While halfway between Natty bridges and Swift someone calls Finger Nips and we hear that the beer-check is at the old Texas Instrument plant.  Most of the pack goes towards the beer, but about 10 of us said FUCK IT and return to A where we know good, cold beer is.  Plus banana needed to stop by 7-11 for something special for our Hares during religion.

Back at point A we decide a new requirement for the Hares: bring hedge clippers on trail.  Another funny story of Cum Lord walking up to dbased and twice asking “Have you seen dbased?” before realizing his error. 

Usually the hares get iced at the end.  No, the pack heeds our RA butt balls suggestion that they be put on the ice right away and kept there as long as possible.  I think broke bench is called for alcohol abuse first.  Goat blower also visits the RA as either that’s a skunk or some weed and the RA wants to get into that weed.  Timmy!!!s 59 birthday passes and I think broke bench gets called up again for another round.  Next Capt Jack tries to ask butt balls about sloshed ball instead of reading the Email.  Bballs gives him the dumbass award.  The RA needs a moment to pause and gather his thoughts as he sneers at the Hares on the Ice. TRAIL SUCKED.  Cum Lord, Hoggy, and Snatch get the DFL award as they roll into religion.  The RA asks if the Hares should come off the ice? The pack has a resounding NO.   Hoggy is called up for having mushroom herb tea instead of beer at the beginning.  Daddy Wb shows up to religion.  The Hares still need a little more time on the ice.  Accu and broke bench are called up for their number #25 hashes.  Daddy Wb requests an opportunity to speak.  Daddy was a real hasher and did the entire trail.  How was the beer check Daddy?  He has a bone to pick with the Hares.  Tiny Whiney found the stuffed rat and Frisbee on trail and has a rat in his pocket to prove it.  Our Virgin survived trail and is called up.  She lives underneath Flaccid (or something like that) and we are wondering if we’d be disappointed by her tits? She sings a song instead.  Finally the Hares have almost been on the ice long enough for the RA to go around inquiring about what the pack thought of trail.  You can imagine how everyone felt. 

On-On

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So today you can either do your Christmas shopping early or you can join us at Moe’s Alley for trail. Those that joined us for the Nappy banana trail are: My Fn Precious, PCP, Serial box, Hugh Heifer, Timmy!, Pixie, butt balls, Finger Nips, Neighborhood Watch, Smirnoff, Vince Lamblowme, Cum Lord, Pearl, Norm, Hoggy, Cream Filled Twinkie, Tater Tits, O Holy Nutz, broke bench, Snatch.cum, CSI, Choka Cola, dbased, Virgin Loriene, New Kids, Virgin Christina, Just Debbie.

After our brief circle we exit through the main door (remember, its early) and find trail on-right.  We hit a backcheck I believe and a few of us end up cutting through the 76 gas station and across Soquel into Dominican.  I believe another check is found and trail is followed past the ambulance access and up and un-named access road to the back of some old-folks homes and a check.  We find trail through a construction area and we find a gate.  I think butt balls attempted to climb only to have Virgin Christina (I believe) simply open the unlocked gate.  I believe up Houtes Dr and a right through an alley behind some apartment complexes above Patterson Ln to another check.  Some people are fooled and run into a private driveway only to come scurrying back. Oh we are on Mission Dr at this point, where trail goes south back to Soquel Dr with an On Left called. Trail was supposed to take us left into the 711 complex but many over-ran it but we caught those that didn’t up Thurber Ln. We ran out of trail between Sequoia and Twin Hills Dr.  A few of us end up going down Twin Hills when we hear whistles on Sequoia.  Using my superior Local knowledge I knew we could catch them by continuing on with an On-Right down Lillian Way.  It was suspected that the beer was going to be at Winklefarm Park but it wasn’t.  At this point we learned that there had been a Hare sighting going back towards the start.  We end up back on Soquel and bomb across the street, take Commercial Way to 17^th Ave and we find the beer and a number of Short Cutting bastards.  Bastards which caught onto trail by not turning up Thurber Ln.

Anyhow in a quiet hollow formed by some construction containers we start Religion.

No beer Fairy again, the RA calls me up first.  As suspected I drink for the two missing Trashes and for good measure, for forwarding an Email with lists of how many Hash Houses there are in other countries.  The RA decrees that I am drinking for Iran which has none. 

Next is the recipient of the Hashit My Fn Precious.  She got a job with AT&T (aka, she is being called for duty in the military for a year) and she is going to get to listen to phone sex while doing surveillance.  She is given a down-down but is called on the construction hat she found on trail somewhere.

Third is our visitor Smirnoff from the DC Hash.  He speaks Russian and has a story of a Filipino girl that requires him to wipe his face with his hand to complete his name. 

The only one who gives a shit about patches is next which would be Cum Lord for his #250. His middle name being Cabana boy. Hoggy says he is her Hash Dad as he named her.

Our Virgins are called to sacrifice, first is Virgin Christina who is overcome by the three options, so Pixie stepped in and helped her by suggesting she show her Uvula.  Next is Virgin Lorraine who tells a joke that I cant scrawl down fast enough.

Next is broke bench for his performance “I see the Hares” after which he ran off instead of snaring them.  When he was 8 he was the only kid that woke up on Christmas, saw Santa and promptly went back to bed.  In the future if that happens again it will be further known as a broke bench Mountain. 

Finally the Hares.  Most prominent note to this trail is it’s the 4^th trail where the RA has ran backwards.

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I was going to name this: “Oh Look, Callahans Lets People In The back Door”.  But trail preempts that title. 

Those that showed for this goat-rope: banana, Timmy!, Golden Showers, Faggy Naval, Cumz Out Her Nose, Finger Nips, Puff, PCP, dbased, Capt Jack, Cream Filled Twinkie, Hoggy, Hugh Heif, Pussy Galore, Dr. Nappy, Tiny Whiney, Goldie CoXXX, Norm, Pearl, Daddy Wb, Just Mike, Take It, Just brian, Serial box, Flaccid, Virgin Lani, Choka, Snatch.cum, Just Glenn, Cervix Denied.  *Names cannot all be verified as making it to the end.

Its Pixie’s 51^st well we’ll call it her 15^th.  She only visited for a post-work drink.  So did Mrs. Groper.

We circle outside Callahans dirty back door.  There was a check out front on Water.  Trail is suspected towards Ocean.  Nope false I believe.  OnOn is called up water towards b40.  We get to the top, YbF. Ok.  Nothing up that trail along b40 creek.  Nothing up May or Dakota.  Fine lets check Market.  See a mark on the bridge between Market and Berkeley Way.  We go that way…Nothing.  I see a check at the corner of Reed Way and realize that trail goes from there to Market Street.  No one but Flaccid and Take It follow me to find a blue backcheck behind the Senior Center (mind you its DARK).  We find trail going up Market St towards Grant St when the pack starts to catch up.  Flour runs out so we backtrack after I had called Norm to find where they were.  The other half of the pack is at the top of the River St Parking Garage.  Since Take It and Flaccid had Finger Nips dog we start walking that way.  At that point I realize, what is in between the beer, a visiting RA and myself? MY CAR.  I give Flaccid notes to give to broke bench who is our stand in RA for Jordass and go home.  Want more info on trail? Go to dbased page.

http://www.everytrail.com/view_trip.php?trip_id=61247

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