Those that stayed to hash include LC Norm, Pearl Necklace, TBO, CSI, Banana, Timmy!!!, Hoggy, Cumz Out My Nose, Puff, Serial Box, Dr. Nappy, Piss N Booth, Rod Lover, Daddy WarBucks, Flaccid Capacitor, Just Andrew, Goat Blower, Hairy Potter, Finger Nips, Snach.cum, Loose Stool, Virgin Cory, Cum Lord, Just Chris, Boogah Nights, Neighborhood Watch (oh and me). Our Hares tonight are Vince (or do I mean PABST) Lamblowme and the queen of shitty trails Piss N Booth.

Vince promises us that there will be both a bum wine check and a shower check on trail. We circle up blocking the lovely south Pacific pedestrian traffic and headed South on Pacific and into circle-jerk #1 which took us down Spruce and back up Cedar back to Laurel. A quick jay-walk across and into another circle-jerk around the Louden Nelson and down Washington. Floundering just below Beach Hill wondering whether or not to check up we are eventually rewarded by some endeavoring hasher who finds trail up on 3rd St. we wonder whether we would be lost given last weeks trail went through the same streets. Fortunately the pack was on and we were soon drinking beer and a taster’s gallery of bad wines. Where you ask? Why it was in the La Bahia apartment complex where Vince had in his hashing wisdom gotten permission from the complex Manager to hold said Beer Check.  A very wise move that I hope the pack will observe. Well onto the disastrous religion which is held behind WheelWorks bordering Laurel.   

Beer Fairy appointed herself for dropping a Heineken prior to religion in full sight of the Hash Scribe/Rat-Fink. Who is guilty of such an atrocity? Hogazm.

Next tosser to visit the throne would be Neighborhood Watch for the foreign language on her shirt and not knowing its meaning. The RA decrees it means TITS. 

Next would be Rod Lover for his 50th Hash with a name that isn't insulting enough or complimentary ehough of him.

Third is the naming of Just Andrew. Gay Marriage was just legalized. With that in mind, [I think he was an optical engineer], he likes his crotch rocket (motorcycle), he raised chinchillas, the RA suggests Richard 4th Gear. The pack waffles, its tabled.  

TBO is called up for being a backslider.

Finger Nips finally reached her 69th with Surf City. Banana gives a story about W2B 07 when in the Catalyst she walks up and performs a cup-checks on 4-5 hashers. The booze jockey was quoted "we would have kicked her out but she was funny". 

Our quasi-virgin is Cory. He came from a hash that didn't name people. Meanwhile the drunk fuck proceeds to drop everything before the RA gives him that option. Supposedly he'd been to ~90 hashes. The pack, despite only doing one Surf-City hash decides to name him "Peeeeennniiiisss" whatever.

Andrew is back up and the name "Take it like a Man" seems to fit.  Fortunately it was decided in at just the right time because as he was baptized we were interrupted by cops. Despite it being legal to be naked I think the reports of a combination of a large group, alcohol, and a naked individual was a draw for the cops. It outlines something of importance. HARES: Like Vince did its important to find a safe place for religion. But just as important is a safe place for the pack to hold religion. Bug your friends, family, and neighbors. Bribe them if you have to. Remember religion is more fun when the RA has time to do his magic. When we have to rely on the 20-minute rule it causes us to rush religion and it’s difficult to keep a drunken pack of more than 20 quiet in order to complete religion.  Remember we are all about fun! 

Speaking of head, next time I hear the word head I want to hear the following montage:

Head? Who said head?
I'll take some of that!  

And I did, and it was good,
And there was much rejoicing.
And then we fucked. We fucked for hours,
Uprooting trees, bushes, and flowers.
Frightening small children and woodland animals.
We fucked with power tools.
We fucked like Vikings, with horns on our head.  

I have personally appointed myself the recommender of new hash songs, our regular songs are getting old.

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Tonight our looser hares are Bony and Loose Stool.  Quote Bony: This trail is gonna suck! Oh how he was right!

As we circle up around the small dance floor of Coaster ButtBalls leads a circle jerk of Hocky-Pocky.

Now supposedly there was a trail. My memory is rather thin because I was talking cars the whole time with Just Dusty and Just Andrew. I think we went over beach hill. Then along the levee towards the beach. Crossing heading up towards Broadway with a right again towards Lower Ocean. We crossed Ocean and decided to bushwhack MoFo style through the tall weeds as we had heard that trail may end up in Finger Nips yard. 

Only we find the Hares moving supplies into that area just below Oceanview Park.

After a beer-check that involved Finger Nips committing rodent murder by place kicking a dirty rotten gopher and her dog rubbing nose in the present P.O and thusly swiping everyones exposed calves we head up the hill to Finger Nips House. 

First to meet with the RA for duties of Beer Fairy is Neighborhood Watch for not knowing how to cheer with a beer in her hand.

Unfinished business I mean Just Dusty is up for his naming. Miata Club, Bucket Bitch, He likes cars. He had sex in a DeLorean. Marty McFuck is suggested. Someone comes up with Flaccid Capacitor. 

Now its a bit chilly so Spooge Bath is called up for having a set of Miata headlight (think Finger Nips in Alaska with a husband beater on). He is given a down-down while Finger Nips continually tried to pull his pants down.

Just Heather is next for her 5th Hash naming. She's a hair dresser. Curl Up & Die, Pussy Clipper, Carpet Dyer, I can Fit You In are all names suggested. The pack finally sounds off when Nice & Easy is suggested. 

The next victim of the RA is Hairy Potter for dreaming of the RA's cock...no actually because we volunteered him to be the  hare for Friday's Wharf to Barf activities.

While the RA searches for more material Spooge exacts his revenge and nominates the RA for riding his cruiser with a helmet that says Vigor on it. Typically worn by those that ride the Short Bus.  

PCP is given a down-down for nothing as the RA has nothing.

Finally the Hares Bony and Loose Stool. Consensus of the pack: Lack of flour, aiming for hookers and for barely making beer check themselves it is unanimous. Shitty trail. 

On-Out for now until next week when Vince and Piss lead us on another nightmare from the Asti.

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Red Dress Run #409

Timmy!!! Spouse, Butt Balls, Banana, My Lil Bony, PABST Lamblowme, Panty Free, Cumz out Her Nose, Pussy Sipper, Cum Lord, Pussy Galore, Tounge Job (TJ), Roids of London, Choka-Cola, My Fn Precious, Lizardo, Virgin Vickie, Virgin Mary, 2 and 8, PCP, Goggler, Got Wood, Goat Blower, Capt Jack, Hugh Heifer, Pearl Necklace, LC Norm, Dr. Nappy, Swiss Army Cock, Jack-off On The Pot, Jordass, Aunt Cumima, CSI, Snach.cum, Daddy War Bucks, Hoggy, Spooge Bath, Rod Lover, Pixilated Obsenity, Mrs. Groper, Puff MDQ, Mtn Dyke, Jizz Bollah, Cum & Go, Serial Box, Suck Cockran, Just Dusty, Piss n Booth, Virgin Chris, Hairy Potter, Virgins Grim, Heather, dBased, Finger Nips, Ram Pam, Cockiss, Broken Shaft, Fanny Flasher, Ctrutch Cargo, Just Nick, Neighborhood Watch, Cervix Denied, Hot Wheels, Worm, 6 of 9, Virgin Matthew, Just Heather, Little Spit, YPL, Do Me More, Virgin Erica and of course Ralph (Wow, all that effort made me thirsty).

Scares notes from trail: By the time we circled, someone points out that Choka, presently with her arms locked around Lizardo, has not let go of her (current) fling. Its pondered, does she love him or just really love him in that dress?

Daddy War Bucks is looking a bit like a Virgin tonight.  

On out. We are immediately lost on trail. We spend countless minutes running this way and that around the clocktower. There is a large group gathered around a performance in front of Santa Cruz's version of the Flat-Iron building. Someone thinks trail is down Pacific. No such luck (though that was the direction the walkers were headed (head? who said head?)) by the time On-On was sounded up towards Mission Hill. Meanwhile one of our virgins Ross hops upon a rarely used bus bench only to have it crack under his mass as we head West on Mission St.  After a few distractions down Crystal St I catch back up  with Norm and Puff and we parallel King on Mission.  We know the Wankers trail has to cross at some point but since they are all downtown still...long story short our suspicion is confirmed and true trail heads south down Bay St. We hang a left down Seaside and a quick right down Trescony. At this point Cockiss has already passed me and some fully clothed person is running behind me, its a rather odd moment.  Fortunately Cum[z] & Go caught up and turned on left on California. Thinking we would be on to Walnut we were happy to see an on-left up Laurel and into the yard of Hairy Potter for Beer Check! Aside from the beer tap breaking, Hairy having the doors marked in his house with trail markings to avoid hashers invade his housemates personal space there was not much to mention. Oh wait, there was a stripper hired dressed in a fake cop uniform.  Would have been grand had it been female showing a massive amount of cleavage but no it was a he.  I paid little attention while Spouse gave him a lap dance apparently and Pixie did something about spreading them to the dude but I didn't catch it.  I did wonder if it was a Hash or a sausage fest. Oh and how many hashers destroyed that plastic chair? Hairy Potter bring by a Costco 24-pack of Sierra Nevada and I will rat the two tossers out.

Finally back at the bar.  We needed a tried and true hand at keeping 70+ drunks in control.  ButtBalls is our Beer Fairy as his pack wrangling skills have not been forgotten.   

First order of business Sir! Naming Nick. Nasal Spray, Nick Nose, Nose Job, in the end given his nasal inclinations Booger Nights is born.

Second are the Dress Awards.  

First of said awards are the Best Cleavage both real and fake.  Finger Nips for the best real and Just Dusty for the best fake. A naming for Dusty's 5th attempted but tabled.

Sexiest Dress is next. No more deserving of that prestigious down-down than a hasher that got a a $2 dress (not counting his senior discount) Daddy War Bucks. The only way for him to look good is to reenact the Sound of Music.   

Thr Most Fuckable Award is next. 2 & 8 is the choice as the RA finds that he is the Encyclopedia Britannica definition for Hollywood Whore. However the pack disagrees with the RA's discretion and Pixie is called up in addition for the Most Fuckable Award/Down-Down.

An additional award is nominated to the Plus Size Award for Ross breaking that bench. Zicky Zacky also goes ro the RA for screwing up the song.  

300 is in the air. In facts its Norm's 300th. The pack chants for our Hash mother.  She is awarded her 300th patch but thats not all. We have the Best Accessory award for Swiss Army Cock first. His best accessory? a bottle opener connected to that grotesque attachment to his manlyhood. Anyhow, it opened the beer that Norm drank to commemorate her 300th Hash. 

Almost to the end Virgins are asked to be identified. Instead of bringing them all up the RA decrees: Thanks for cuming. All you got an opportunity to wear a red dress!  

Finally the Hares! The Hares held their own hug-fest until the RA reprimanded them said action. Unanimous conclusion? Trail sucked! Down-downs.

Just as we were to break for the evening ButtBalls bellied up with Spouse and led a round of the great song of Days of the Week. [I never told this story but on my trail where I took the pack on a bus trip and ButtBalls lead the same song I asked that driver about that large group he got on Thurs. He groaned and couldn't believe it. I didn't mention I put them on his bus]. Well, I'm almost caught up with the Trashes and its time for my Night Cap.

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Among the near-50 mass that showed up Puff MQD, CSI, PCP, My Fucking Precious, Jack Off On The Pot, Rod Lover, Goat Blower, Serial Box, Pussy Sipper, Finger Nips, Banana Basher, Arabian Goggler, Just Dusty, Just Andrew (I think), My Lil Bony, Dr. Nappy, PABST Lamblowme, Hogazm, Capt Jack Swallows, Hugh Heifer, Timmy!!!, Just Nick, Neighborhood Watch, Choka Cola, Lizardo, Snach.cum, Suck Cockran, ButtBalls, Jiz Bollah, Cumz & Go, Spooge Bath, Piss N Booth, Lil Anal Annie, Cumz Out My Nose, Pussy Galore, Hairy Potter, Virgin Sheila, Pixilated Obsenity, Loose Stool, Nataly Cum-On-My-Cheek, Seemore Dick, Six of Nine, Cervix Denied, Stupid Pussy, Daddies Lil Helmet, Training Bra, Dog Breath [is that all Ralph?].

With such a large group its hard to come up with good gossip. So lets see here lets make some up... Daddies Lil Helmet is pregnant. NO! damnit its true. Ok, Nadias pregnant then...SHIT thats true too. Damnit. Ok, Six is pissed off...I mean Dog Breath is late. I'm lost. Problem when too many people show up to the Hash. Too much truth not enough fiction.

Trail. Very well layed (or is it laid?). 

Starting from Casa de Norm (might I add the location of one of my original hashing introductions) the pack heads East along Soquel only to be lost immediately it ends up . Trail is finally found and most of us whip [it out at the ball game] through the City lot and down Benito. As the headstrong pack jay-walks across a Water St full of stunned pedestrians we are lost finally on the corner of Poplar and Melrose. Since the FRBs that are leading this group of imbeciles are relatively new no one bothers to check the alley that leads to true trail. Ending up on Keystone and a place of distant past I'd rather not be [I] rapidly pace past the Stanford St and proceed up B40.  True trail continues except for another circle jerk past Rite-Aide. Personally I thought it might go to Rip Van Wrinkle's place (formerally Loose and Nadias') but I was wrong and trail hung a right down Soquel right into the back of B40 plaza.

Though we learn later that due to the large turn out the BM nearly snared the Hares as she replenished the depleted trough.

Anyhow onto religion. For whatever reason our RA claims he is under the weather but any seasoned hasher knows all that means is he is getting laid. In the mean-time we appoint our RA Emeritus Pixilated Obscenity to the task. First victims are our knocked up harriets Daddies Lil Helmet and Nadia Cum-on-my Cheek. They are awarded their non-alcohol down-downs.

Next would be the harriets who are such consistent backsliders that they even forgot their Hash Name when it came to circle.Who might they be? I forgot![suck and cervix btw]

Third up for Pixie's inquisition are our FHAC-u visitors Goggler, Six, and C>.

Fourth is Piss N' Booth for running into a wall while parking her car. When asked whether she damaged her car her reply "I haven't looked yet I will look later when I'm not drinking". Sure she will have plenty of opportunities to dent her car on the way home.

Backsliders are next the likes of Dog Breath, Loose Stool, and Butt Balls. Somehow Pixie screwed up the song and the pack awards her a Zicky-Zacky.

Sixthly the pack attempts to name Just Nick. He has a rank of E-7 in the USMC or to you civilians his rank is Staff Sergeant. He is attending the DLI and learning (what was it Arabic? Who the fuck cares). He likes spandex. Fuck Wheat is suggested. He is married w/ 2 kids. Don't Ask Don't Tell is dropped. Someone asks him what Nick mean in Arabic. Apparently its something rather interesting but I was unable to jot it down in time. Camel Toe, Spandex & Arabic. He will drink while we think about it.

Virgin Shelia is called up and given the usual options.  But since Pixie is our RA she gives her the option of showing her Uvula. Shelia is smart and knows what the Uvula is and does so.

Nick is brought back up. Other names are suggested Sausage Casing and Staff Sausage are added. With this 50+ strong pack halfway sloshed there is no way we are going to come up with a name. Its tabled until next week (Red Dress, what a great time). 

Finally the Hares LC Norm and Pearl.  They met, drank, fucked, and got engaged at the Hash. Now its their 5th Analversary.

Well, onto the OnOnOn, shame the bus calls. I promise you I will make it to one soon! See you next time at the Red Dress!

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