Hash #493

The Pack: Tater Tits, Cum Lord, Hairy Potter, Ralph RU Crammed In, Timmy!, dBASED,

Pussy Galore, Broke Bench Mountain, Hugh Heiffer, Butt Balls, Goat Blower, Broken Shaft, Cumz Out My Noze, CSI, Puff The Magic Drag Queen, Vince LamBlowMe, Tiny Whiny Bitch, Zipper Lips, Cuff My Muff, Rod Lover, Takes It Like A Man, Goldie Coxxx, Sunday Semen, Lube Me Up Scotty.

The Hare: Banana Basher

The Convocation:

Okay, so this is the AGM hash, where we say fuck off to the wankers who have been kind enough to take on leadership roles in mis-management, and “elect” the newest gaggle of morons stupid enough to take their place. By the time this night’s over, you’ll have: New mis-management, new Beer Meister, new Religious Advisor, new Hash Cash, and the same ole dumb-fucking Scribe (who’s still behind in his job.)

 In addition to that function, there is also the Year In Review multi-media presentation, generously put on by Banana Basher and Butt Balls.

So I was a little late getting to Bocci’s Cellar, where we traditionally have the AGM, and had just filled out my election ballot—Si, se puede!—when Hairy Potter urged me to hurry up (“Come on, Nutz, let’s go!”) , fill out the goddamned form, and turn it in, because it was time for:

Circle Up!

We all piled outside and circled up across the parking lot where it was nice and bright. It could have gotten even brighter, especially when Tiny Whiny Bitch decided to light up a smoke during introductions. Normally, this wouldn’t merit any attention. However, because we were all standing next to a diesel fueling station, it’s small wonder why we all didn’t get blown to shit. To hell with down-downs, for that bit of stupidity, we deserve Darwin Awards. Unfortunately, those are only awarded posthumously.

On-On!

We all knew that, because it was the AGM, trail wasn’t going to be that long nor terribly challenging: there was a long night ahead of us at Bocci’s. So when we took off, I expected a leisurely stroll around the block.

Not 5-minutes into trail, a group of us came across Timmy! grasping a handrail, doubled-over in pain and out of breath. Apparently, he was minding his own business and hashing away when out of the darkness, a brick stoop came out and viciously kicked his ass. I mean, it fucked him up but good.

After waving the rest of the concerned hashers away and assuring us he was all right, Timmy! decided that he’d had enough of this shit, and returned to Bocci’s Cellar, where there was alcohol to self medicate with and where there was enough lighting to make sure there weren’t any more brick stoops lurking in the dark…waiting.

Aside from Timmy! taking a tumble, there was nothing noteworthy about trail. We ran into Banana Basher who had just finished laying trail, and was soaked with rain from his efforts. There was a 15-minute beer check, and then it was back into Bocci’s Cellar, where we had a wonderful dinner, good drinks (Puff brought out the absinthe, the preferred drink of European Impressionists) and watched the multi-media show featuring hashes from 2009.

Religion

This was a mixture of religion and elections. Hairy Potter opened festivities by announcing “This will be the last time I lose my voice yelling at you wankers!” More than likely, the next time he loses his voice is when Choka Cola bends the boy over, and plows him with the ole strap-on. Then he’ll be sounding like Flaccid or Takes It Like A Man on any given night. (I pick on these folks because 1. They’re great sports about it, and 2. For old times’ sake: I’ll leave them alone from here on out, and look for new folks to pick on).

The following hashers were called up for Down-Downs:

• Timmy, for failing to yield to a stoop. “Goddammit, I hurt myself. Now I have to turn around and drink!”
• Choka Cola. Initially, Hairy wasn’t going to give her down-downs, but then decided “What the Fuck?”
• Timmy, again, for having his 200^th hash. That’s $1000 spent for a shitty little patch. That money would’ve been better spent on karate lessons for the next time he decides to go mano-y-mano with any kind of brickwork. Also, because Ralph RU Crammed In is now his son-in-law.
• Old Mis-Management: Broke Bench and Cumz Out My Noze for Beer Meistering for the whole fucking year; Pixellated Obscenity and Hairy Potter, RA’s; Choka Cola and Flaccid Capacitor, Hash Cash; O’ Holy Nutz and Dr. Nappy Headed Ho, Scribes; D-based, On-Sec;
• New Mis-Management: CSI (Can’t Speak Intelligently) is our New RA; Hugh Heiffer, Beer Meister; O’ Holy Nutz, Scribe; D-based, On-Sec; Banana Basher and Cumz Out My Noze, Mis-Management;
• Choka and Hairy, Best Trail.
• Snatch.cum. and Rod Lover, Worst Trail. They didn’t put enough checks down. Goldie Coxxx, was stunt drinker for Snatch, who was probably getting run through by the entire SCA sword dorks located on top of the parking garage.
• Zip’er Lips and D-based, Best Beer Check.
• Rod Lover, Most Deserving of a Weekly Award. Cuff My Muff, was stunt-drinker.
• D-based and Duh!, Dumbest Act By Hasher. They won for Wharf to Barf. Broke Bench was stunt-drinker for Duh!.
• Cum Lord and My Little Bony, for having a private party.
• Takes It Like A Man and Flaccid Capacitor, for Most Macho Hasher.
• Banana Basher, for doing a great job on the 2009 Year In Review.
• CSI nominated himself and Takes It Like A Man, for reasons I don’t know.

That’s it until next time, folks.

~O’ Holy Nutz!

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