| Hash 443: Christmas is Nippy |
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| Written by Jordass (for men) | ||||
| Saturday, 20 December 2008 | ||||
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Everyone comes dressed in Santa’s finest for an orgy of food and cheer at the Finger Nips palace over looking the mighty San Lorenzo River. Or: A bunch of drunks invade a perfectly nice home and trample dog shit into the carpet. It depends on who you ask. Attending were Puff, Finger, Hugh, Take it Like a Mannequin, Flaccid, PG, Just Jenn, Cap’n Jack, Jordass, Banana, Timmy!!!, Vince Lanblowme, Daddy Warbucks, Norm, Pearl, BBM, CSI, Hogazm, dBased, Hot Wheels, O Holy Nutz, Hairy Potter, Snatch.cum, Goat Blower, Auntie Cumima, Dog Breath, Dr. Nappy-Headed Ho, and the baby Jesus. Finger Nips has thoughtfully provided “adult alternative” music emanating from her television screen. CSI is disappointed that “adult alternative” doesn’t mean footage of Fairuza Balk sucking off a capuchin . We stand around a while in complete and utter sobriety, munching on food (when are they going to invent food with alcohol in it?) as we wait for the beer wagon. When it arrives, Broke Bench Mountain announces that he needs to take inventory before anyone can crack a cold one. This, needless to say, was a mistake. Under immense pressure from the hash, he allows people to grab PBR because “those don’t count.” Vince Lanblowme immediately calls the IRS to lodge a complaint about BBM’s accounting practices. Speaking of Vince, Puff brought his annual bribes for those who helped him stay out of jail for the year, and gave to Vince a t-shirt with the PBR logo on it and something about Santa Cruz written above. Vince spends the rest of the night showing it off like a wallet full of granchildren photos. The other lucky recipient of a prize is Hogazm, who gets a tiny motorcycle, which her “special friend” in her bedside table can “ride” with her. Last Call Norm shows up in Santa-theme lingerie, and Pearl Necklace has to spend the rest of the evening beating away all the little elves. Snatch.cum arrives, rummages around in a nearby garbage can, and comes up with a tin of cookies, which she donates to the spread. If you’re wondering, BBM is still counting beer at this point. Maybe next year, Puff will bring him a calculator. We finally get a few tall ones released from the wagon to suck on quickly, and Finger takes off to dribble flour all over Seabright. The abuse this neighborhood’s sidewalks sustains is astounding. Without waiting long, we circle up. Hogazm acts as GM, and needs extreme coaching in order to do the three things a GM has to do—tell us the number of the hash (she gets it wrong), hand out the hashit (she takes 10 minutes to figure out how that works) and start introductions. Luckily, Hoggy makes it up to everyone by divulging on trail that the recipient of her first blow job later discovered he was gay. And that’s the story of how Flaccid met the hash. We have many wonderful conversations on this extremely short trail, like the different kinds of poop one can make if one has sufficient pinching control, and O Holy Nutz joins Snatch.cum for some impromptu naughty carolling at one checkpoint. A car drives by and stops to listen, then hurriedly drives off. There is no beer check, which confuses the hell out of Surf City. BBM passes out the chips without counting them, and I try to convince everyone that, yes, we’re done. A few people continue searching for trail even though we’re back in Finger Nips’ yard already. The hash was so short that the hash reacted to it like a woman faced with premature ejaculation. “Is that it? Normally it’s just getting hard by now. Are you sure you’re doing it right?” Hairy Potter makes me the beer fairy because I kept losing the crowns (not true, they kept breaking on the giant hasher heads), so the rest of the notes come from Dr. Nappy’s poisonous pen. Goat Blower is up first. Why? 69th? Complained about vessels. BBM: Snatch asks, “Should we rename him Rain Man?” Just Jenn: Name ideas are Ball Monitor, Sexless in the City, Pink Taco. Dr Nappy: Birthday. Finger Nips: 100th hash. Norm & Pearl: Dressing alike. Hoggie & Auntie: Umbrella use and because Hoggy blows gay guys. More names: 69th Percentile. Ball Monitor wins. Banana Basher calls up Dr. Nappy for being too old to run trail. That’s the ledger. Rain starting pouring about midway through religion. For posterity, Ball Monitor got her name because she works as a high school guidance counsellor and doesn’t mind admitting that she thinks the sophomores are hot. The hash does seem to attract an alarming number of pedophiles. After religion, we all repaired to the Nipsy domicile for more food and beer stolen from her refrigerator. At some point, the drunks decided to sing nasty Christmas carols, which Finger Nips banged out on her piano while Jordass sloppily slammed along in the bass register with his ham-sized fingers. There was probably more to remember about it all than that, but Christmas is the season for forgetting, not remembering. May the Hash go in Peace to 2009. Have fun on Boxing Day, suckers.  Add as favorites (95) |  Quote this article on your site | Views: 688
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