| #446: Capitola Power Play |
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| Written by Jordass (for men) | |||||
| Saturday, 10 January 2009 | |||||
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This hash was planned at the last second. Luckily, it turns out running in circles isn’t all that hard to do, even when you’re dodging Copitolas and Insecurity Guards. The usual suspects gathered around the side of Longs Drugs were dBased, Hot Wheels, Banana Basher, Cum Lord, Pussy Galore, Pearl Necklace, Dog Breath, Auntie Cumima, Jordass (for men), Broke Bench Mountain, Cumz Out My Nose, Broken Shaft, Hugh Heifer, Rod Lover, CSI, O Holy Nutz, Goat Blower, Goldie Coxxx, Puff the Magic Drag Queen, Last Call Norm, Just Dana (5th hash), Timmy!!!, Finger Nips, Serial Box, Choka Cola, Tiny Whiny Bitch, Cream Filled Twinkie, Ball Monitor, Hairy Potter, Snatch.cum, Fondling Father & Cougar Bait from the middle of nowhere (Arizona), Icy Jackass from Sacto (formerly Just Liat), and the hares Flaccid Capacitor and Take It Like a Man. I know this because we had four people taking attendance. Surf City: the most anal hash in America. The pack was truly a pack tonight, with five dogs (including Dog Breath) running around at the end of their leashes and humping legs. I remind Timmy of his plans to liberate the dogs at a previous hash, but he didn’t remember saying any of that, after a few kamikazes. I also reminded Timmy that his daughter was intimately involved with Ralph U Crammed In, at which point he set off in search of beer, so that he might forget again. We head forth, each with a different guess as to beer check given the hares lack of time to prepare. dBased’s evil castle and the Flaccid Flop House are the two most likely candidates, but the trail loops up and around Soquel, confounding even the biggest, best, most lumbering second-guessers. Hairy Potter shares with me that his butt looks so good because he puts makeup on it. “Brown eyeliner.” His success with the ladies is no surprise. Cream Filled Twinkie shares that she’s about to go to Japan, since visiting one small island nation full of drunks wasn’t enough for her. We spend a few blocks engaged in the ancient Japanese craft of hashku. This line has five syllables This line has seven syllables Cherry blossoms in my puke Trail meanders into the heavily-fortified Rispin Mansion property, where the city of Capitola decided, after decades of farting around, to fix up the place just so hashers wouldn’t have any more house parties on trail. The fence proves no match for Broke Bench Mountain, who channels his inner chimpanzee (never far away), and climbs it, the chains sagging ominously under his bulk. As the hash backs away from the leaning fence, I ask if we’re getting into position to catch him if he falls. A conspicuous BBM-sized hole opens up in the crowd. Guess not. Dumb hasher climbs fence Friends step back to watch the show Beer will numb his pain Icy Jackass must have a warm butt, contrary to her title, as she scoots over to make room for Goat Blower on a wet ledge, and Goatie proclaims, “The cement is nice and warm here.” Then again, Goatie is an internal combustion engine fuelled by bong hits by now, so maybe her ass isn’t the best thermometer. Just as I’m pondering the circulatory system of the common Valley Toker, Finger Nips decides to reveal to me the precise amount of hair growth on her legs. Harriettes are sweet But be wary of their charms They might be yetis Banana finally shows up, declaring it the best trail of the year, since it passed four liquor stores and five open bars. Having sampled many of the wares on trail, he declared the world to be a good place. Hairy recalls the first liquor store we passed, in which an old man on his way to his car told us there was free beer inside for us. The pack swerved, but the store owner was quickly out to frantically wave us away before the thundering herd could invade. Inside, an assistant loaded a shotgun, just in case. Capitola crime Is really not an issue Unless there’s a hash We walk down the staircase to religion. Auntie Cumima is made beer fairy, and immediately RA Paints-His-Tush calls up Fondling Father and Cougar Bait. The latter claims to have been named by us after a night of on-on-on debauchery with the finest aged ladies of Santa Cruz. Serial Box denies everything. Goldie Coxxx tries to explain her lengthy absence, but Hairy points out that she got a breast reduction from EEE to EE. She can now comfortably ride on airplanes. She signs and surrenders My Fucking Helmet. Fondling comes back up to explain what he found for the hashit. “I have Classic Lays, something Snatch.cum knows all about.” Nice to see someone’s reputation is intact. He adorns the Cal Transvestite with a beat rag he found on trail instead. Thinking about Snatch Is usually followed by Dirty discoveries The pack takes its first stab at naming Just Dana. She’s wearing a Nabokov Sharks jersey, so we start with hockey-themed names: High Dicking, Penalty Box, Zam-bone-me. Flaccid says she has a crush on her roommate, and suggests Roommate Rapist. The matter is tabled. Broken Shaft is called up for his 69th hash. Rod Lover also gets to celebrate his, even though it was last time. He thinks we forgot and was very whiny about it. Truth is, the hash is so entertained by his whining, there was a conspiracy to forget. Yeah, that’s right. Snatch.cum is called out by the pack for chasing Hot Wheels around in her bid for early Cougardom. Norm points out that dBased was egging her on. Nothing wrong with a dad playing wingman. Dog Breath is once again chastised for starting wars. At this point Hairy notices Pussy Galore and Cum Lord chatting, so he calls the private party up for a spanking. They reveal they were conferring about names for Dana. Slippery When Wet. Iced in the Hole. Sam Blow Me. The hash settles on Two Minute Penalty Fuck, and a hasher is born. The rest of the night is cut off by an Insecurity Guard. Apparently we were frightening the Longs employees who were taking out the garbage, what with our singing and shouting and in-depth discussion of Snatch taking advantage of a minor. Hashes are best done Where civilians cannot hear Victims’ cries for help  Add as favorites (87) |  Quote this article on your site | Views: 791
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