We gather at the new Santa Cruz Billiards on the second day of 2009 for a rainy, cold trail set by Jardass for Men. At first, it is just me, Banana, and J4M holding down the fort and drinking our beers. While waiting for the rest of the pups to show up we discuss various venues where we had been that the bathroom had been ‘temporarily out of order’ due to some desperate couples’ inability to make it home or to the hotel before engaging in sex. A fitting conversation for the hash.

When I say we were waiting for the pups, I mean this literally. We were inundated with minor hashers on this night. The pack consisted of Banana Basher, Puff MDQ, Pearl Necklace, Last Call Norm, Finger Nips, Ralph-U-Crammed-In, Serial Box, Jordass for Men (hare), Hairy Potter, Rod Lover, dBASED, Vince Lamblowme, Dr. Nappy Headed ‘Ho, Hugh Heiffer, Captain Jack Swallows, snatch.cum, Cunts Sluts and Incest (CSI), Choka Cola, Broke Bench Mountain, Flaccid Capacitor, Cumz Out My Nose, Take it Like a Man, Hot Wheels, Broken Shaft, Cream-filled Twinkie, Winds of Uranus, and Edgar’s Girlfriend.

Cumz, Serial Box, and I decided that we weren’t up for braving the weather that night, so we stayed back at the bar and sipped our amber bevies in relative comfort. The stories and conversation around the table were generally embarrassing and not fit even for hash trash except for one little nugget. Apparently Hugh Heiffer called Cumz on New Year’s Day to ask if she was going to the hash that night. Poor Hugh. Either the mountain redwood air infused with cannibus or the beer had gone to her brain. Or both. I’m sure that we were all way too hung over on New Year’s day to move.

Just as we began to consider making our way to the beer check, phone calls start coming in from lost hashers. Apparently we made the right move in sitting this one out. Beer check was at the lovely Asti Lounge on lower Pacific. The Asti is one of the fine establishments in Santa Cruz that defies CA state law and allows smoking. Just as I fire up my little sin stick, Hairy Potter excitedly asks me what kind of cigs do I smoke? Apparently they are the same brand that his grandmother smoked and they made him feel a bit nostalgic. When I asked if she still smoked them he informed me that she passed away…from emphysema. Thanks, Hairy.

We make our way to the spot behind the Wheel Works for religion with a new 10 minute rule. The Hash Shit had been given to Twinkie for being gone ever since being nominated as on- sec, and she was also crowned beer fairy for the evening. First up to the altar was Serial, just for an example. Next was Twinkie herself for her absence. However, she was forgiven for being gone so long because she did make it to hash in Ireland and in Oklahoma. Apparently getting nominated for mismanagement causes some to run far, far away.

Next up was quite memorable as snatch.cum decided to dress like a hooker for the night. Note to all: if you show up in a tiny mini skirt and fuck me boots you will get a down down! Better yet, she complained the whole trail about how her feet hurt. The foot pain was not caused by the three inch heels as you may expect, but rather because the boots were brand, spanking new. Note two to all: tea bags for new shoes are not limited to r*nning shoes!

Material for the evening was a bit slim. It must have been the weather. Next up was CSI for wearing a company jacket with the name “Magnum” embroidered on it. Now we know that he spent the 80’s lusting after Tom Selleck. He is still aspiring to grow a few inches and work on that mustache.

As mentioned before, we were invaded by children on this hash, so the minors were called up. Edgar’s Girlfriend, Winds of Uranus, and Hot Wheels came forward for their water down-downs. Hairy tried to sing a ‘clean’ hash song. Is there such a thing?

Next up were Cumz, Serial, and myself for being lazy and not doing trail. Edgar’s Girlfriend sang us some beaver song that was quite funny, especially from a 12 year old. He is clearly Hugh’s progeny.

Last up before the hare was Pearl Necklace for needing emergency surgery. Just as we all gasp in concern for our dear Pearl, he reveals that it was only for a toothache, and that it was really a secret ploy to escape spending time with Norm’s sister.

Finally the hare, Jordass, is called up, and so ends hash #445.

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