Surf City Hash House Harriers - 456 - Ben Lomond Homes and Garden Tour

456 - Ben Lomond Homes and Garden Tour

Written by Banana Basher

Friday, 13 March 2009

Hash #456 – March 12, 2009

Location: Henflings Tavern, Ben Lomond

Hares: Cumz Out My Nose and Hugh Hefier

Hounds: Vince Lamblowme, Puff the Magic Dragon, Daddy Warbucks, Broken Shaft, Rod Lover, Dr. Nappy Headed Ho, Timmy!, Pressed Cling Peaches, Captain Jack Swallows, Broke Bench Mountain, Pussy Galore, Cum Lord, Goldie Coxxx, Mass Storage Device, Tiny Whiny Bitch, Snatch Dot Cum, Suck Cockran, Piss ‘N Booths, Visitor from Boston H3 (sorry did not get name), Icy Jackass, Just Wendy, Just Derrick, Virgin Rick, Virgin Molly

Hash Scribe: Banana Basher

Ben Lomond Homes and Garden Tour

Rarely do I trek up to the mountains of Santa Cruz. When I do, I make sure I am packing. What I am packing will not be disclosed here in the Surf City H3 trash due to the large number of local, state and federal law enforcement agencies that monitor our movements. So when I left the “safety” of Santa Cruz to travel to Ben Lomond, I made sure I was properly equipped to survive my visit.

I arrived at Henflings Tavern, located on Highway 9, just as the locals were arriving. Or had they all been there all day? Freakin place was packed with motorcycle gang members, mountain types and a few lost dead heads, so getting a beer took some time. Despite Dr. Nappy Headed Ho assurance that there would be Pabst Blue Ribbon available, none was to be found. The boobtender, er I mean bartender stated that they were sold out. Damn it! I settled for a bottle of Budweiser and found a safe seat outside where I could watch for other hashers while avoiding the knife wielding locals and the toothless hooker. Hey isn’t that dBASED drugged up date from Stupor Bowl 2008?!?

Mental Note #1 – Since when is a Vietnam Vet younger than me?

The hares Hugh Heifer and Cumz Out My Nose arrived, sporting tye-dyed running gear. I guess this was mentioned in the hash announcement but shite, I did not see it. Both ladies were willing to let me look after their flour bags until they saw the gleam in my eye. No flour does mean no trail…..

As hashers began to arrive, there was some discussion about who was in charge of us since the GM, both RAs and Hash Cash all decided to fuck off for the night. I read the text message that I had received from GM Finger Nips stating the Timmy was in charge, but Cumz Out My Nose told me that she had received a text that said I was in charge. Typical lazy-ass GM, passing the buck around.

Mental Note #2 – Bring ice for mismanagement members next week.

Puff the Magic Drag Queen was made hash cash because he was the only hasher present that was semi-honest. There was no way we were going to let any of the SCH3 mountain hashers be in charge of the cash. We know that too many of them have large tabs at Henflings.

Daddy Warbucks was clean shaven which indicates that he has been fleecing some old birds. When confronted, Daddy indicated that he was more than happy to disclose his tricks of the trade in exchange for another cold beer. Rod Lover, giggle-ho in training, dashed off to the bar.

Mental Note #3 – Doesn’t Rod Lover look more and more like Lou Diamond Philips each week?

Anyway, the hares pissed off but not before Hugh Heifer disclosed that Goat Blower is having sex. Now who, or what, or whatever Goat Blower is having sex with was not revealed though consensus from pack was that some animal must be involved. With that image burned into my half mind, off the hares went. Was there any trail claims?!? I must have missed them because I was still reeling from the revelations of Goat Blower getting laid.

I overheard Broken Shaft asking Virgin Molly if she was a fan of Babylon Five. Being a geek, I knew why he was asking due to Molly’s unique leopard style tattoos up her back and neckline. Unfortunately Molly was not a sci-fier so she did not get the reference. In fact she looked a little annoyed with this type of questioning. Then again, it probably did not help that I was giggling because Broken Shaft had pulled a Vulcan Mind Fuck on himself because the character he was referencing was on Deep Space Nine. Oh hell, too much geek revealed….

Mental Note #4 – Find picture of Jadzia Dax.

Since it was determined that I was in charge (what the fuck?!?), I was told that I needed to award the Hashit Vest. At first I was reluctant (or was it that I was too lazy?) to award the vest. But an incredible amount of whining came from Dr. Nappy about how I should award the vest that it gave me an idea. And we all know that my half mind rarely works, so when I do get a thought, I go with it! So I decided to award the vest to Dr. Nappy. Ah the power of the GM is intoxicating!

The pack reluctantly circled up at the twelve minute mark and since the vest had already been awarded, all that was needed to do was introductions. Holy shite, Burning Bush is back! So was Too Drunk To Fuck, and some visitor from Boston H3, as well as two virgins. We managed to get through introductions, well almost. Broke Bench Mountain decided the Mini-Van he was standing next to looked attractive, or at least easy, so he dry-humped it and the Van let out the most god-awful siren.

And with that, on trail the pack went.

Immediately it was apparent the hares had decided to give Surf City H3 a tour of the finer homes of Ben Lomond. At let me tell you, there were some amazing houses out there. Now mind you, some of the houses were a little beaten up. Some of the homes looked well used. Some homes were barely standing. Others looked like they had been abandoned. But what caught my eye was all of the houses using Duct Tape. Whoever is selling Duct Tape in Ben Lomond is making a killing. Duct Tape was everywhere. I saw it on roof tarps, front doors, window coverings and as a wall.

As for the gardens, I guess the locals have jumped in early on the whole legal marijuana growing. Or maybe there were a lot of skunks about.

Now somewhere in the first few moments of trail, Tiny Whiny Bitch and I decided that they hares should go one way despite a lack of flour. Surprisingly we were wrong. Now being lost with Tiny is an adventure but he reassured me that he knew where we were. So I was not worried and continued to enjoy the better homes and garden tour until we passed some locals who looked like they had been in Deliverance. Was that a pig squeal I just heard? That is when I realized that I had left my “Ben Lomond Persuader” back in my truck. Damn it!

True trail went up Brookside and back via Lovecreek. The trail was very similar to a trail set by dBASED for Monterey Bay H3 back in 2003. Tiny and I could hear the pack off in the distance as they circle through the neighborhood and back towards the Ben Lomond Castle. As we hit town, we ran into Pussy Galore and PCP who also elected to skip the last part of the better homes and garden tour.

Further up Highway 9 we could see the back of the pack as they searched for true trail at the check mark placed next to the Tyrolean Inn. It looked nice and warm inside. Can we not stop?

Trail here went a bit up Highway 9, past the Ben Lomond Castle until we hit a trail that looped us over icy-looking creek. Up a hill and the joy of almost shiggy was experienced by the pack. Finally after about one quarter mile of this we saw the beloved Beer Check.

Mental Note #5 – Do some research on the Ben Lomond Castle.

Icy Jackass tried to pull a prank on us by stating there was only one beer left and that Tiny and I would have to fight it out. What?!? Is she trying to pull a Fight Club on us?!? I was not worried. I knew even if there was one beer, I could just “borrow” Icy’s beer. Hell, I can take her any day!

Tiny and I were able to secure beer and began to exalt in our DFL status. And exalt we did! We exalted like two crazed Shriners in Vegas until Snatch, Goldie and a couple of other slow-pokes came straggling in about ten minutes after us. Of course they blamed us for being lost. Shite, like I had anything to do with this trail!

Trail on in was quick and easy as we arrived at Hugh Heifer’s home for religion. Now this home is very nice. It even comes equipped with a gallery of Jerry Garcia pictures.

About this time Broken Shaft found out that he was to be RA for the night. He immediately grabbed two more beers for liquid courage. Drink up lad!

Notes from Religion (complied by Dr. Nappy Headed Ho) – yeah like I pay attention!

RA – Broken Shaft

Beer Fairy – Tiny Whiny Bitch (volunteered)

Down Down #1 – Visitors

Down Down #2 – Back Sliders – Burning Bush and Too Drunk To Fuck

Down Down #3 – Hash Violation – Technology on Trail – Broken Shaft

Broken tried to defend himself but all it did was get Cumz Out My Nose in trouble, so both were awarded Down Downs

Down Down #4 – Short Cutter – Tiny Whiny Bitch and Banana Basher

Pussy Galore nominated us, but it was pointed out that she and PCP were also guilty. All four convicted.

Down Down #5 – Non Trail Hashers – Dr. Nappy Headed Ho and Rod Lover

Down Down #6 – the Hares - Cumz Out My Nose and Hugh Hefier