“Never Volunteer to hare when you’re drunk.”

Hash #502

The Pack: Puff The Magic Drag Queen, Pixellated Obscenity, dBASED, Banana Basher, Cumz Out My Nose, Broken Shaft, Timmy!, Ralph RU CrammedIn, Dr. Nappy Headed Ho, CSI, Cuff My Muff, Finger Nips, Cardinal Fluffer, Vince LamBlowMe, Banana Basher, Rod Lover, Flaccid Capacitor, Winds Of Uranus, Clucker Fucker, My Little Bony, Broke Bench Mountain, Hot Wheels.

The Virgins: Jen, Dustin, Stephanie, Jackie

Location:  Tampico Lounge

The Hare: Hugh “Never Volunteer to hare when you’re drunk.” Heiffer.

The Convocation

I arrived at the Tampico Lounge a little bit shy of the 6:33 starting time. There were a few hashers already there getting pre-lubed. While taking down everyone’s names, I happened to find myself standing next to Cuff My Muff and Banana Basher. Cuff immediately laid into me for not having the Hash Trashes completed and posted, and also for not showing up for a couple of hashes during the holiday season.

“What the fuck, scribe?” she asked, “Don’t you like the job anymore? If you don’t pull your head out of your ass and start posting the trash, I’m gonna beat the shit out of you with a nightstick, ya hear me?!”

I’d better get started.

Circle Up

We would have been having circle up a lot earlier, but Hugh Heiffer got a late start. While we were in the bar, our very own religious advisor, CSI, suddenly shouted, “Hashers, hashers, the hare is off!” to which Banana replied while pointing across the room, “Uh, no she isn’t. She’s right there.”

I looked to where Banana was pointing, and sure ‘nuff, Hugh Heiffer had a drink in her hand, and mouthed the words, “Fuck you, I’m going to finish my drink, then I’m gonna take off, all right?”

She finally did take off. After which, Banana took the virgins outside and ran them through a quick chalk talk, which left them more confused then before the talk. Banana also helped a quadriplegic who had fallen out of his motorized wheelchair while trying to negotiate a nearby crosswalk. Remember that, folks, it’ll come in handy for our affirmative defense.

On-On!

Once we made our introductions, we found a true trail arrow, immediately outside of Tampico’s. We were off on a trail that led us down Pacific Ave, right on Laurel, then a left that headed towards the wharf. There were a couple of checks that threw the pack here and there, but overall we were right on target.

What was truly frightening is that trail ran us right down to Beach Flats (cover me, I’m going hashing!).

It was at this point that the pack ran into difficulty. Hugh Heiffer had written “Banana’s Pit Stop” with an arrow pointing into a market. We were searching for trail for a good 15-minutes with cries of “Are You?!” answered with a frustrated “I just fucking told you, we’re searching!”

Ralph RU CrammedIn saved the day by finding true trail, and leading us to beer check.

Beer Check

Don’t know where the hell we were, but we finally rolled into beer check to the gasps of surprise at most of the virgins who were FRB’s.

While we were enjoying a well deserved break, the following information was related to me:

• According to Ralph, Puff admitted to deleting pictures from the last posted flash, and expressed the need to keep it on his HARD drive.
• Banana had fucked up while playing Moses, led his flock of seven hashers astray while attempting to outsmart the pack, and ended up at Finger Nip’s house. D’oh!

The last statement was confirmed, as the lost hashers finally showed up to beer check about 20-minutes later (Flaccid Capacitor was bitching that it was Cumz Out My Noze’s fault).

Broken Shaft, who was absent at Circle Up, graced us with his presence five minutes before the lost hashers did.

Religion

After a lengthy beer check (about ½ hour) we all walked to religion. On the way, Flaccid related to me that during Halloween Hash, he and Cumz Out My Noze were mistaken for prostitutes, and were being solicited by a man in a Jaguar looking for a piece of ass (Cumz I can believe, but Flaccid?! Not so much.)

Anyway, we all ended up at the back of Wheel Works where we usually get busted by Santa Cruz’s Finest before festivities are over. Puff was selected as Beer Fairy. The following people were called up for Down-Downs:

• Puff, for not showing up in crotch-hugging, uber-tight, Ocean Pacific shorts at the beginning of hash, though he did change into a pair for religion.
• Winds Of Uranus, for his 25^th run. I’m surprised Child Protective Services hasn’t been called, yet. If he keep this hashing bullshit up, the young-man’s going to be truly warped by the time he earns his 50^th patch. Besides, hanging out with a complete fucktard like Flaccid Capacitor can’t be helping him at all.
• Cardinal Fluffer, for getting laid off from Stanford’s Alumni office, and just because.
• Banana Basher, for misleading the innocent, trusting lemmings to Finger Nips house for beer check.
• Virgin Jen: Nice body, great personality. I was expecting her to flash her tits for the hash, but she opted to tell a joke instead (I’m so disappointed in her). I’ve known Jen for years, and have a great story for her naming should she decide to stick with it for four more hashes. I wasn’t going to share, but she totally annihilated the crush I had on her when she admitted to marrying the next idiot who was called up.

• Virgin Dustin: What a complete dickhead! Actually, a very nice guy in spite of the fact that he cock-blocked yours truly when he married Virgin Jen (fuckin’ asshole!). When he got up for his down-down, Finger Nips was kneeling right in front of him, shining a light at his crotch like a retriever pointing out a kill. He didn’t disappoint however. He turned his back to the crowd, unzipped his fly, turned around, and displayed something through his unzipped trousers. The harriets were appreciative; the harriers were slightly nauseated by the whole episode.

• Virgin Steph: Not sure if to call her a Virgin or a Just (even though she’s hashed in China, this is her first time with us), she admitted to making herself come. CSI asked if it was with a rolling motion or a straight up and down motion (she didn’t respond). Steph told a joke about a man who walked into a bar (ouch! said the crowd). After taking the down-down, Steph left the stage, making room for…

• Virgin Jackie: The only female virgin of the night who, after admitting to making herself come, handed her beer and drinking glass to CSI,  then lifted up her shirt to reveal two beautiful breasts. How good were they? Even Flaccid was impressed, “Man, she’s got some real nice cans!” he admitted to me. It’s always a good sign when even the ‘mo in the group temporarily switches sides to comment positively on such wonderfulness.

All right hashers and harriets, that’s all I got for now. See you next time at the Rush Inn for more merriment.

~O’Holy Nutz

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