Greetings Companion Animals,
A good trail depends on a good hare and as a hare TIMMY is un-dependable.The closest TIMMY will ever get to being dependable is that he will soon be WEARING Depends.
I saw no reason to sugar-coat this week’s offering. It’s important you go into this Trash forewarned unlike we unlucky bastards that hashed Trail 580. Let’s move forward, no amount of postponing will make this trail any less of a fiasco that it was.
Tales from Trail or TIMMY tortures the troops
Starting at the Asti is never a good sign. Think Joe’s in Boulder Creek is dangerous? Turn the lights off and you have the Asti. Think you’ve detected malodorous emanations from the waste treatment plant beside Neary Lagoon? Shut off the ventilation and you have the Asti. Think there’s lot of criminals in the County Jail over on Ocean Street? The only difference between that place and the Asti is the crooks here are not incarcerated. Think the new Haunted Castle ride at the Boardwalk is scary? Just look who slithered into the Asti and has taken up residence between you and the only exit.
Okay, that’s enough of that. I do not wish to give you nightmares tonight. The only bright spots this week was the return of two wayward kennel mates, Spooge Bath-No Pants and Swiss Army Cock. Spooge Bath left fun-filled New Orleans to return to us though he may just be trying to lose his now-pregnant wife. As for SAC, he (barely) escaped Afghanistan with his life. Obviously his time in-country adversely affected his brain because he said he actually missed hashing with us. I find that rather sad (and more than a little frightening) for him, don’t you?
After TIMMY finishing lying to us, we blocked the sidewalk in front of the Asti long enough to introduce ourselves. Civilities performed, the troops took out south on Pacific. This lasted until the first check at Front Street. Here the flock spread out like cheap pasta sauce. Eventually, Broke Bench Mountain gave to on-on on-up Front Street to the top of Beach Hill. Once there marker made the merry members of this madness on-left onto Third Street.
When Third intersected with Cliff Street, the gang regrouped at a check. On-on was sounded continuing on Third to Riverside where we crossed the river, mercifully using the bridge, and came to a check at San Lorenzo Boulevard. The check at this intersection was time-consuming due to heavy traffic, most of which was laughing at us. Ha! They should have been here when Red Dress violated this intersection. This check was eventually solved and pointed to pod to continue on Riverside. Riverside soon makes a ninety-degree on-left and we then were turned on-left on Barson Street. Next we went up steps at the end of Barson and discovered a check at San Lorenzo Boulevard and Broadway.
Up until now trail had only been dreary at best and pointless at worst but from this point forward trail fell apart quicker than Puff’s last relationship.
Flour was found on-right on Broadway. Just past Riverside it appeared that TIMMY had given us the slip. When asked where the last mark was, Escanaba Reach-Around said he saw a hare arrow on the other side of the street. Then he looked sheepish and said, A hare arrow is three lines across trail, right? Needless to say, the pack reversed course and headed back towards the last check. Unbeknownst to us, Dog Breath had been blowing his wimpy whistle till he was blue in the face from the other side of the river. He gave up long before we got back to the check. Eventually the check was solved and the pack crossed the river and turned on-right onto the levee pathway and turned on-left and on-down and arrived at the intersection of Front Street and Cathcart. We headed on-right on Front and came to Soquel. This is where I heard Spooge Bath yell, Beer Check on the top floor of the parking garage! Most of us headed on-up and found TIMMY slurping away on Beer Check beer. He was accompanied by Choka-cola and Hairy Potter who stopped by for a while. Soon, we took notice of the fact a small number of hashers were MIA. Soon they showed up informing us we’d shirt-cut a huge amount of trail.
As it turns out, Spooge Bath saw TIMMY leaning over the edge of the parking garage watching the pack trot by. Sadly for TIMMY, after seeing him, the rest of the pack quit trotting by and came up to visit him. According to Dog Breath, trail turned on-right on Soquel, crossed the river, went on-left on Riverside,through San Lorenzo Park and then and ONLY then did it makes it’s way to the parking garage. Upon the completion of Beer Check, Religion was convened at the tyre (Maladjusted’s spelling) store on the corner of Front and Laurel.
Here’s the lowlights from this edition of Religion.
dBASED foolishly volunteered to be Mob-rule Religious Adviser AND his own Beer Fairy. He awarded the following down-downs: Reach-Around was punished for not knowing the difference between a hare arrow and false markings; Dog Breath for giving a weak blow job to his whistle and dBASED for having some devastated hearing as to not hear him; Banana Basher for attempting to usurp the RA’s power; Tiny Whiny Bitch for showing up just for Religion; Vince Lamblowme for lying to his superiors so he could shoot a round of golf on Friday; TIMMY for the foolish completion of his 275th hash with Surf City; Hot Wheels for beginning his summer vacation and planning on doing nothing all summer and Broke Bench Mountain for harassing one of the only two harriettes that joined us tonight.
We’ve all heard the old adage: Idle hands are the Devil’s workshop. And now that TIMMY is unemployed….. Well, you can finish that sentence for yourself. Many people believe TIMMY is merely indolent. I, however, believe it’s an innate dislike of anything not related to a martini. I reiterate: TIMMY- Get another job…Really…PLEEZE!!!
By special appointment of His Royal Majesty “G”, this Hash Trash has been compiled and printed by permission of no one other than the author at Santa Cruz, Ca., or elsewhere if need be, on this, the thirteenth day of June in the year of our Hash two-thousand eleven.
On-out,
Puff the Magic Drag Queen