I could refer you to many past Flashes & Trashes substantiating my above supposition but I’d rather continue heaping abuse on dBASED instead. So I shall….
Hash 585 began, yet again, from dBASED’s dreary hovel noisily-located between busy Highway 1 and pot-hole pocked Soquel Drive. There’s no parking, just ask Doctor Kraut. Parking across the street involves hoping no business owner has your ride towed away and, worse yet, trying to make it across busy Park Avenue. This poorly-paved street is used by speeding drivers pissed-off at traffic on Highway 1 as a shortcut to Soquel Drive. On the flip side of the coin, drivers pissed-off by the poor condition of the asphalt on Soquel Drive use it as a shortcut to get to Highway 1. NO one is happy as they pass dBASED’s abode…and that includes Surf City.
Have you noticed how almost all Surf City hares deliver inadequate Instructions of Trail? dBASED takes incompetence to a new low. His IoT today? “Any further questions about trail?” I thought I’d fallen asleep out of boredom and awoken just as dBASED was leaving. I asked Accuprick, What have I missed? and he replied, “Getting a real hare for tonight.”
The only bright spots so far was getting to talk with Foot Loose & Panty Free again and she also dragged Just Kurt along with her again. We also have a new member, Doctor Kraut, whom has just moved to Silicon Valley from Pennsylvania. The reason I like him so much is he older than Puff. Speaking of Silicon Valley, Bloodweiser made the jaunt over-the-hill to join us as well. Jackoff On The Pot paid his last-ever visit to Surf City as he leaves for the East Coast soon to join Sea Whore and their son Just Mason (why did we never name him?) and four-legged hound Cody. Whether you consider this Surf City’s loss or gain please keep it to yourself.
I felt I had to put SOME news in this Trash as a treacherous trail from dBASED is NOT anything new.
We outed in the usual fare through dBASED’s neighbor’s backyard and though the tight space in the back fence beside a redwood. Trail was an immediate circlejerk back to Park and a check at the intersection with Cabrillo College Drive. Hot Wheels shot off down Park towards Highway 1 and soon gave the on-one. Next on his agenda was the cursing of daddy dBASED as the next mark he discovered was a false trail marking. The pack returned to the check but soon discovered true trail across Park on Alturas Way. When Alturas ends, a locals-only path continues on and dumped the drove on Monterey Avenue. An on-right on Monterey brought the bunch to Soquel Drive and a check.
The check was eventually solved and coerced the clan into crossing busy Soquel Drive and continuing on-right until stumbling across a check at Maplethorpe Drive. Here’s where dBASED showed his true colors. Trail was located BACK across Soquel on Maplethorpe. However, on this side of Soquel, Maplethorpe is a cul-de-sac. Consequently, considerable time was wasted sniffing for a nonexistent locals-only exit from Maplethorpe.
After wasting as much of our valuable lives as we deemed sufficient, the herd migrated back to the check. Eventually trail was located BACK across Soquel and proceeding towards Cabrillo College. Just prior to Park Avenue, flour forced the flock through a gas station on-left and onto Park which was taken until Daffodil Court. An on-right onto Daffodil and a leap over a chained-off access brought the gang to McGlenn Drive which was followed by a quick on-left onto Aster Lane. When Aster ended, marker made the merry members of this madness on-right onto Merrill Road which brought us back to Soquel Drive. Thanks for the long (and pointless) circlejerk, hare.
We crossed Soquel Drive, yet again, and continued on Merrill until reaching a large apartment complex and turning on-right and entered the most harrowing part of trail. Once we came out the backside of the apartment complex, trail devolved into a poison- oak-and-dry-stream-bed-infested horror story. We passed the site of a previous dBASED fiasco, an attempted Beer Check in someone’s backyard, which almost netted us a visit by the local constable. We silently scurried past THAT location. Then we crossed a ravine using some lumber most likely stolen from a residents yard and onto Sear Circle. Sears was taken back to Park Avenue and an on-left finally netted us our highly-favored Beer Near mark which took us across Park AGAIN and into the rear of an office complex which is where we found our hare complacently slurping away on Beer Check beer. After DFL’s Just Sean and Shallow Hole finally arrived, they stopped for Sex on Trail I assume, on-in was across the street to dBASED’s backyard for Religion. We also found Little Spit watching television. She had refused to on-out on her father’s trail.
Knowing he’d be hanged otherwise, dBASED appointed himself judge, jury and executioner, AKA Religious Adviser and Beer Fairy. Some of the lowlights of this fiasco was: Foot Loose for breaking dBASED’s bottle opener @ Beer Check; Foot Loose again for leaving her purse on a neighbor’s car and having to abandon trail to go back and get it; dBASED for the foolish completion of his 450th hash with Surf City; dBASED for successfully completing fifty years of life; Just Kurt and Just Sean for successfully completing their 4th hashes with Surf City; Dr. Kraut for successfully completing his first hash with us; Shallow Hole for incorrectly saying there was no Beer Check (the Sex on Trail must have confused her), a farewell down-down to Jackoff On The Pot and last as well as least, dBASED for shitty trail.
Now it’s time for the traditional bad-mouthing of the hare. I believe that when Puff quits hashing, AKA “dies”, and I arrive at the very bottom of the down escalator, I will not be sent to stand in a sea of burning oil for the duration of all eternity nor will I get the cushy task of stoking the proverbial fires. I will be condemned to the eternal damnation of hashing a never-ending dBASED trail. Furthermore, as a final punishment, it will be that section of trail between the Beer Near mark and Beer Check itself. There will be no terminus, no lousy (and probably hot anyway) beer to signal I have survived another encounter with dBASED. dBASED: where evil meets bad.
By Special Appointment of His Royal Majesty “G”, this Hash Trash has been compiled and printed by permission of no one other than the author at Santa Cruz, Ca., or elsewhere if need be, on this, the seventeenth day of July in the year of our Hash two-thousand eleven.
On-on to Wharf to Barf.
On-out,
Puff the Magic Drag Queen