Greetings & Salavations,
It’s Friday which mean Hash 587 and the opening round of Wharf to Barf ’11 is upon us. That’s the good news. The bad news is that, in a moment of alcoholic incapacitation, Hare Raiser Banana Basher has allowed Ralph Crammed-In to hare. Hopefully, none of our guests from out of town will remember this serious error in judgement by next year or attendance will be minimal by those from outside the Surf City H3 kennel.
We have assembled our traveling kennel inside the venerable building currently housing The Crepe Place. More than just crepes now, owner Adam has turned this place into a destination spot for music many nights of the week. As this is a Friday, the pack must soon be purged as real customers will soon be making an appearance. Already the band is setting up and has asked Adam is these misfits and degenerates will be staying for the show. Adam says, “No, not to worry. They’ll all be somewhere else drunk by the time you take the stage.”
After his usual incomplete and uninformative Instructions of Trail, Ralph outs himself. Most people had to be told the hare was out as no one paid him any attention to begin with. In due time Banana Basher corralled the herd and migrated them to the parking lot behind Johnny’s Sports and welcomed everyone to Wharf to Barf ’11.
The first check was at the corner of Seabright and Soquel. Eventually the on-on was sounded crossing Seabright and proceeding to the next check at the junction with Morrissey and Water. The turkey/eagle split was at Darwin Street with the turkeys turning on-right. The eagles continued on along Soquel. The check at Morrissey solved, on-on was sounded crossing Soquel & Water and proceeding on Morrissey towards Highway 1. Here the true cruelty of not only the hare but that of dBASED and TIMMY emerged. At the first street, FRB dBASED encountered the YBF marking. Did he warn the pack? Nope. Both he and TIMMY waited until much of the pack had arrived before warning the DFL’s to head back to the check. Once back, trail was located continuing along Soquel to Fredrick Street and there turned on-right. Two blocks later at Hanover Street, marked turned the troops on-right and then making an on-left on Sumner, a block to Effey Street and on-left and one more block to on-right onto Darwin. Thanks for the one-block circle-jerk, hare.
Darwin was used a number of blocks to Broadway where we followed flour on-right to Seabright and there were pointed on-left. Seabright was taken all the way to Pine Street where the DFL’s met the FRB’s returning from yet another long YBF. Just Kurt located flour on Pine and summoned the gang to follow him. Just across the five-way intersection of Pine, Cayuga, Clinton and Buena Vista, the gaggle was put onto Buena Vista but soon turned on-left into one of Seabright’s numerous and infamous alleys. The alley-trotted to Logan Street, turned on-right, came BACK to Buena Vista and were pointed on-right to the locals-only path leading on-left on-down to Branciforte Avenue. Even now the hare could not control his vindictiveness and rather than leading the litter on-left and on-up into Ocean View Park, we were coerced into taking Branciforte one block, on-left onto Ocean View Way, on-left on Ocean View and THEN into Ocean View Park.
As good time was had here by all with the notable exception of the arrival of one of the security guards hired by the city in lieu of hiring REAL cops. This guy checked the bathroom for drug deals. Then, after taking one look at us further in the park, got the hell back in his truck and sped away.
Upon the completion of our duties here, on-in was a long affair back to just a few blocks shy of Point A where the courtyard area of Puff’s dump became the scene of Religion. Pixillated Obscenity was hog-tied into playing Religious Adviser tonight and here are a few of the lowlights of Pixie’s most recent poor performance: Broken Bench Mountain for locking the keys in his car; Last Call Norm and Pearl Necklace for being extreme backsliders; Broken Shaft for falling short of his goal of winning the Watermelon Head Award at last year’s W2B; Choka-cola, Cumz Out My Nose and Foot Loose & Panty Free for instigating a playground brawl at Ocean View Park; CSI (Cum Stain Investigator) was welcomed to her first Surf City hash; Shallow Hole was warned husband Just Seth’s band best be good when playing for us tomorrow; Black Rock H3 (AKA Burning Man attendees) Nosedozer, Foot Loose & Panty Free, Laura, Kurt, Pixillated Obscenity and Apple Bobber were saluted; Hugh Heifer for missing false marking on trail; Max Lode, Choka-cola and TIMMY attended one of Pixie’s infamous Fact or Crap Inquisitions; dBASED and TIMMY for keeping mum upon finding the YBF and most importantly Just Kurt was allowed to morph into Strap-On Feed Bag. Oh. The hare. He’s such an easy man to forget, don’t you agree? As a hare, Ralph is hopelessly mediocre. On the whole, I believe the great ones of this world have become great and remained so at least partly because they resolutely placed their own interests first. Does this fact make Ralph a great hare? Your decision to make. And Ralph, just because you’re paranoid doesn’t mean we’re not out to get you.
Upon the approach of the sirens, the RA rapidly dismissed the pack and told us to reassemble at The One-Double-On-Seven Club. And it was so done. And, also done, mercifully, was Hash 587.
On-out,
Puff the Magic Drag Queen