Once upon a time, there were two cute harriettes. While I believe it inappropriate to name them, I do not think initials only would do any harm: Occasional Rapist and Shallow Hole.
I continually pointed out the above sign to them while smiling and nodding. They, however, due to some unfathomable deficiency, were unable to grasp my hint. Therefore, sadly, they gave Instructions of Trail and outed themselves. Normally, I, as does everyone else in possession of even minimal brain power, ignore IoT as we all know: Hares Lie! This week though my ears perked up upon being told there were three, count-’em-three, Beer Checks. I calculated the odds that three Beer Checks would offset what I anticipated being a really lousy trail but was unable to determine whether I should proceed directly to the site of Religion and skip trail. Foolishly, I outed with the pack.
The first check, directly outside the front door of the Red Room, caused major confusion. Everyone headed on-left but soon returned as dBASED sounded on-on on Cedar Street towards Church Street but we then discovered trail turned onto Locust Street and then on-right onto Pacific. I’m certain everyone can imagine how the next few blocks went for the herd. Well, that’s NOT the way it was. Almost everyone we passed gave us little if any notice at all. Everyday is Halloween in Santa Cruz, so what’s the big deal seeing people dressed up as vampires? Broke Bench Mountain garnered some extra viewing time ( See Flash) but other than that we escaped close scrutiny. We can fast forward quickly now as trail proceeded down Pacific to a check at the intersection with Front Street. Trail was soon located heading on-up Front Street to the top of Beach Hill where we passed what is now Sunshine Villa but in days of old was Hotel McCray. Reputedly, Hotel McCray was Alfred Hitchcock’s model for the Bates Hotel in Psycho. At the time Psycho was released, 1960, Hitch had a house in the Vine Hill section just outside Scotts Valley. As an aside to this, one of the three mass murders conducting business in Santa Cruz in the early 70’s lived in one of the small apartments across Front Street from the hotel. To digress even further, an event that happened in Capitola in 1961 proved the inspiration for Hitch’s 1963 classic The Birds.
Even considering the above, I find these two harriettes pretty scary in their own right. Trail proceeded on-down towards the wharf but turned on-right across Pacific and headed on-up what is actually a real street, Viaduct Court, though outward appearances would not indicate so. Trivia: One of the apartments at the end of the street was briefly home to former kennel mate Piss ‘n Booths. After going under the West Cliff Drive bridge, trail turned on-left and forced the flock to climb down to the tracks and once across them we encountered our first Beer Check manned by Hugh Heifer. I wasn’t aware she was a hare but soon her residing at the check became obvious: she’d fallen in love with the red vodka here and was severely limited in her ability to move by now. She rationed small drips into cups for us while she enthusiastically sucked on the bottle, the level of which was going down quicker than dBASED after having sex.
We outed from here, encountering DFL’s Banana Basher and Waxi-Pad as we did so, and trotted along Beach Street and then violated property owned by the Seaside Company. A false along the Boardwalk did not impede Just Dan’s forward progress and he was last seen sprinting down the Boardwalk trying to avoid Boardwalk security. Second Check was at the river end of the Boardwalk but Dan arrived there via the beach. About fifteen minutes into this Check, two Boardwalk security guards came walking along trail and asked what the heck was going on. It appears the fence here is connected to an alarm system and these guys said, You hit the fence and set off the alarm. He then said, As long as everyone’s having a good time it’s okay though! We moseyed on our way nonetheless.
From the Boardwalk, we crossed the river mercifully being allowed to use the railroad trestle (proving it was NOT a dBASED trail) and on-left on-up the walkway to East Cliff Drive and past Finger Nip’s abode. We were then directed on-left and on-down East Cliff and then on-right and on-up into Ocean View Park. Once through the park and onto Ocean View Avenue we found our hare-pair and the third Beer Check. Here Shallow Hole was giving transfusions (See Flash) and everyone was begging a suck from her. I also love standing beside the beer trough watching hashers yank beers out like a magpie tugging a bright bauble from a trash can.
On-in was to the parking structure on the corner of Front and Soquel. That’s the former home of the Silver Bullet to you barflies. dBASED was promised free beer if he played Religious Adviser. Here’s what he did to earn that free beer: Said he didn’t need no stinkin’ Beer Fairy and manned the position himself; Dan was punished for going an entire year and not completing his fifth hash yet; Tiny Whiny Bitch was punished for peeing right beside Circle (shades of Golden Dripster); Choka-cola for driving to Salinas before stopping to see if she had a flat tire (she did); Broke Bench for competitive costume-making; Hugh Heifer for leaving Circle early to go hear some music (doesn’t this woman own a radio?); Princess Diarrhea for outing (current) husband Thmp-Thmp as a closet heterosexual; Hairy Potter for shaving off (what little) hair remained on his noggin; Shallow Hole for her ambassadorship to IAH in Savannah; TIMMY for ‘getting lost’ (sounds suspicious to me) with our Virgin during on-in; Hairy Potter again for not being able to come up with a song for TIMMY; dBASED and Occasional Rapist for being our ambassadors to Red Dress in Las Vegas and Virgin Laura was welcomed. Incidentally, Laura pranced around the altar like a marrionette being operated by a drunken puppeteer. Oh, yes. We did have a hare-pair tonight, didn’t we? And what a nice pair they have too. The great thing about having finished an Occasional Rapist trail is that when you die and go to Hell, you’ve already got a pretty good idea of what it’s going to be like. I’ve noted that Shallow Hole frequently wears tights to the hash. The tights she wears make her look like a Russian gymnast or a young trapeze artist with a cheap traveling carnival. Somebody give that kid a lollipop and a jump rope. ‘Nuff said about them.
On-on-on was reputedly at Betty’s Burger but My Little Bony was seen leading a litter up Pacific possibly bound for the Palomar cantina. TIMMY ordered a drink at Betty’s so large the container looked more like a bottle than a glass. He was soon stalking around the bar as if he was taking muscle relaxants.
By Special Appointment of His Royal Majesty “G”, this Hash Trash has been compiled and printed by permission of no one other than the author at Santa Cruz, Ca., or elsewhere if need be, on this, the thirtieth day of October in the year of our Hash two-thousand eleven.
On-out,
Puff the Magic Drag Queen