Hello Faithful Reader,
This week I have absolutely nothing special planned for you. This is not completely due to the fact you are undeserving but more a direct result of the dreary hare-pair we were saddled with November tenth. The next day, Veterans Day, took on a new meaning to those of us that survived this fiasco. Allow me to elaborate.
We assembled our traveling kennel at venerable Windjammer in the Rancho del Mar shopping center in Aptos. That should tell you a lot about what the hares had in store for us. When you know your trail is substandard, always make the pack travel a long way from Santa Cruz. After making the jaunt this far from town, one may as well stay and do trail no matter how bad it is.
Accuprick delivered Instructions of Trail. Every time Accuprick hares, the great trail he promises manifests itself in a mirror-like symmetry as the exact opposite. As Accuprick talked, I noticed co-hare TIMMY in the background trying to contain an outbreak of uncontrolled laughter. Accu made a casual gesture indicating trail would on-right from the Windjammer and then both hares disappeared. As I looked around during IoT, I noticed Thmp-Thmp squinting trying to understand what he was being told. I’ve never understood why he thinks narrowing his eyes will improve his comprehension. I eavesdropped on a conversation Vince Lamblowme was having. Vince, as many of you know, is Surf City’s resident inventor. He was speaking with Butt Balls wondering if he would have any interest in playing investment entrepreneur and bank Vince with any of his inventions. Here is an annotated list of what Vince has done for his fellow humans lately: a solar powered tanning booth, a wind powered fan, a cordless extension cord and a smoke detector with a built-in snooze button. Butt Balls was speechless. He did, however, decline Vince’s partnership offer. Fifteen minutes later, Banana Basher made the pack disappear from the bar and introductions were made.
Trail was much more difficult to locate than Accuprick had indicated it would be. No surprise there. Eventually, flour was found crossing Soquel Drive and heading on-up Sunset Way. This had a detrimental effect on Butt Balls as this is the street he lives on. Just past Butt Balls castle, trail turned on-right and on-down a short street. When this street ended, a short jaunt through the woods ends with a brief but steep hill on-down to Aptos Rancho Road. It may have been a short hill but it was more than sufficient to get Puff tripped up and he took one of his typical spills. Even more foolish, he waited until he could fall on the road rather than utilize any of those soft leaves that covered the path. The pack then turned on-right and came back to Soquel. Thanks for the pointless circle-jerk, hares. Flour funneled the flock on-left on Soquel to the intersection with Spreckles Drive. This was decision time. We were either going on-down and on-under Highway 1 or we were circling on-left and through the Forest of Nisene Marks. Mercifully, the pod was pointed on-right onto Spreckles and it’s pleasant on-down. Next on the agenda was an on-right onto Moosehead Drive followed by an on-left onto Bennett Road which brought us to Aptos Beach Drive where an on-right dropped us into the Rio del Mar flats. An on-right in the village informed us Cafe Rio is open again after an ownership change but the Sea Breeze is still as dark as our hares’ hearts.
It has become painfully obvious how we are to exit the flats: the locals-only path leading on-up to Seacliff Drive on the bluff overlooking our current location. I could make the usual tired, worn-out cliches about how treacherous this climb is but I will anyway. The vegetation was so thick it blocked so much of the light I though I’d gone blind. Butt Balls dog Farley whimpered as if there was a mountain lion nearby. Upon further reflection, there damn well may have been one. The path is washed out from decades of rain and the dropoff over the edge, while not bottomless, may as well be because you’d die of fright long before hitting the ground.
Once we crested the cliff, an on-left brought us to a small park on the cliff above the Seacliff State Beach parking lot where Beer Check was held. I’d say the view was stunning but it’s so damn dark around here it’s a miracle no one mistakenly walked over the edge of the cliff. Trail then took us along Seacliff Drive , on-right on Camino del Mar, on-left on Valencia Drive and then on-right on East Street which brought us to Center Avenue and the very heart of Seacliff. As we’d been told to bring ID and cash, the herd headed for the Mediterranean. Sure enough, we apprehended our hare-pair casually slurping away while watching the Raiders-Chargers football game. After the completion of our appointed task here, on-in was undertaken to an office building beside the Seacliff Inn for Religion.
Hairy Fuck 2.5 foolishly agreed to become Mob-rule Religious Adviser. He immediately grabbed Thmp-Thmp for his Beer Fairy. Here is a brief synopsis of others acts perpetrated by Hairy this night:Vince, Tiny Whiny Bitch and Waxi-Pad were condemned as non-runers; Cuff My Muff, Cumz Out My Nose, Hot Wheels and Zipper Lips were punished as backsliders; Broke Bench Mountain was awarded a down-down for bestiality with Farley and Nipple Butt. There were more but those people proved very inconsequential to this hash.
On-on-on was back at the Windjammer and, besides an attractive new beertendress, featured as it’s centerpiece Shallow Hole dragging food in from the next door Safeway. As a NASCAR-luvin’ Redneck…I mean shining example of Southern ladyhood, she ordered hog jowls and collard greens but, inventory being absent, settled for a huge helping of fried potatoes. I cannot comprehend where this skinny creature hides all the food she devours. She’s so tiny she’d look pregnant if she ate an apple.
By Special Appointment of His Royal Majesty “G”, this HAsh Trash has been compiled and printed by permission of no one other than the author at Santa Cruz, Ca., or elsewhere if need be, on this, the thirteenth day of November in the year of our Hash two-thousand eleven.
On-out,
Puff the Magic Drag Queen