By Princess Di(arrhea)
1st Quarter
People, I could be enjoying some dill pickle flavored sunflower seeds watching a BASEBALL game right now, but noooo. Instead I’m going to type Thursday’s tales from the football trail like a good little sports reporter. And instead of snapping your jock strap and snatching your guacamole last Thursday as we kicked off football season, I put on my grandpa’s 49er sweatshirt and made like a Faithful. After all, staying on the good side of our Niner fan hare, Occasional Rapist, probably scored us all a few points.
At El Jardin’s cantina, the usual suspects reunited with kennelmates who’ve been away doing other junk. Dude, Where’s My Trail? was still recuperating from a brutal massage he’d survived in San Luis Obispo. AccuPrick yammered about his recent trip to Boston where he enjoyed a wedding, a “raw bah at the hahbah”, and a whole skiff of beer. We were happy to see Phyllis Driller make another showing, even though she made no bones about only coming for the $4 margaritas.
Hugh Heifer couldn’t fake the football love, so she sported A’s gear. Thmp-Thmp wore tie-dye just to be a contrary dirty hippie. Dude wore a Hawaiian shirt that he raided straight outta Magnum PI’s closet. However, most of the pack was geared up for the either the gridiron or the bleachers. We were really hoping somebody would come as a cheerleader (yes, we’re looking at you, dBASED). Harriettes in eye black were bringing us a special kind of Fantasy Football.
Right before trail kickoff, Occasional Rapist drafted Just Linda and Wicked Retahted for Team Hare. They busted out onto the trail like tipsy quarterbacks. At circle up, the pack’s team should’ve been named the 4.9 Whiners. dBASED got screwed with the wearing the hashit, but he was cool with it because there are no marital aids nor a genuine ball and chain hanging from it…yet. Just wait until the Thursday after his bachelor party!
2nd Quarter
The 4.9 Whiners stepped out onto the field and cut left down Capitola Rd. A sheriff’s car was waiting for us at the next check at Jose Ave. They must’ve been on to us, so we charged ahead and lost ‘em in the park. We also lost ourselves as trail seemed to drop off in there. AccuPrick got us back on track and across the bridge to El Dorado. dBASED went on left and nobody wanted to follow him, but he was indeed actually on trail (for once) and somehow got us to go along with him. It was a right turn back on Capitola Rd. and a left ahead on 16th Ave. We pounded neighborhood asphalt for a while and made it to the check at the animal shelter. Down 7th Ave., some true trail marks led us into Harbor High.
We didn’t want to disturb the football team’s practice, but TIMMY!!! and Puff wouldn’t have minded catching some of the cheerleader practice. You know, just to learn some new cheers to hasherize. …riiiight… At any rate, we were hoping trail would head towards the football field so we could try to tickle tackle Team Hare. We didn’t go near the field, just up the hill to La Fonda instead. We were lucky trail went left instead of right because the bridge is out. That could’ve ended badly. We headed downhill on sidewalk and then worked our tight ends uphill through woodsy shiggy. At the hilltop Adult School, we were instructed by a beer near mark.
HALFTIME!!
Beer check was a tailgater at the end of Park Way. Beers were popped and next thing ya know, Easy Cheese was squirting on Cheesy Poofs. Deep Stroke asked the big question of the night: “why doesn’t guacamole come in a can?” I think we now know where Deep Stroke’s next fortune will be coming from. Our tailgater was in a perfect location…except for the barking dogs and voracious West Nile virus mosquitos. We were quickly pestered into moving down field.
3rd Quarter
Occasional Rapist’s mom, Coach Beverly, was our kind religion hostess nary a block away. I’d rather hang out in her lovely back yard than at a football field any day. We all settled in and made ourselves at home as Hugh Heifer kicked up her bum leg and Phyllis took a seat on the couch to watch some DNC. And I thought she was just in this game for the margaritas.
Ref AccuPrick gave us a warning that he was on vacation again. BEWARE! Shit’s gonna get sloppy. He crowned Deep Stroke beer fairy but she was too busy trying to unwrap a meat stick to be bothered. (I never thought I would type those words.) Once the tasty beefiness was unsheathed, Deep Stroke offered it up to all who came near it only to be left wondering, “why does everyone reject my meat stick??” Each and every down down beer was then defiled with a de-foaming swizzle by the terrible meat stick.
Dude got questioned on trail by the po-po because he fit the profile of a guy they were on the lookout for who was “smoking weed, yelling at cars and wearing a Hawaiian shirt” Yes, he does indeed fit the profile…but the Dude abides so they let him go. Twat Did You Say? was put in the game, looking all cute in her fancy work duds, after missing trail. Meat stick swizzle for T-Dub!! Just Linda got a hare patch and a new hash name should be getting sewn on her jersey soon. 3/3 of Team Hare got busted for wearing hats during their down down. PENALTY!
4th Quarter
On on on was back at El Jardin. I swear I saw the hostess’s lips say, “oh dear god, they’re BACK??” Maybe we should’ve tailgated in the parking lot instead of forcing their kind staff into pouring us more cerveza at the two-minute warning. El Jardin was more than ready for us wind down our game and post the final score:
Team Hare – 3/3 beers
4.9 Whiners – $4 margarita
Everybody wins!!!
Overtime
dBASED will be haring next week’s trail beginning at Lodato Park in Scotts Valley. You have been advised to bring a flashlight…and maybe some kind of wetness protection. I’m thinking Right Guard.