Perhaps hare Occasional Rapist wanted some fancy-ass beer for her birthday because we met up at one of the places with those douchey tulip-stemmed beer glasses, Sante Adairius Rustic Ales. However, co-hare Cuff My Muff seemed much more excited about getting to use her can of bright orange CalTrans spray chalk than any of their rusty old ales. A group of four young sporty types joined us, kind of looking like they knew what they were doing. Turned out they were just Cross-Fitters. Word soon got around that they were virgins, so we welcomed Virgins Sheena, Shawn, Carly, and Katie to our little hashapalooza. After an “exquisitely fermented ale that is unabashedly aggressive and yet satisfying” and some chalk talk, the whole gang was ready to roll.
Trail led off with a true trail mark through a trailer park. The pack was dumbfounded for awhile at a check at the top of Hill St. We collectively pulled it together and headed downhill towards Capitola and jumped on the railroad tracks next to Depot Inn. On the cliffs overlooking New Brighton Beach was a liquor check with some crappy whiskey. Since we started off with “a tart, complex and delectable beer,” it was hard to choke down this swill. Trail hopped back on the tracks and then onto the asphalt of Park Ave.
Mini-chaos ensued at the corner of Park Ave. and McGregor. We were now crossing into the territory of dBASED’s trail from 2 weeks ago. Today’s hares had already been using trail markings of orange spray chalk, pink flour, white flour, blue chalk, and purple chalk. Throw in markings from 2 weeks ago on top of that and you get one clusterfuck of a trail. To top it off, when we finally did identify trail 691, we soon looped through two mile-long back-to-back circle jerks.
Circle jerk #1 brought Deep Stroke and me to this guy on the sidewalk. He caught the attention of everyone passing by and was definitely slowing down traffic because some of cars were stopping in the middle of the road expecting to have to join some random turtle rescue effort. I guess everyone likes turtles. Trail turned right at the corner of Park Ave. and Soquel Dr. Then it quickly turned right again and looped allll the way back to Park Ave.
Circle jerk #2 was a jungle adventure. I headed solo into a culvert with a sandy bottom and poison oak lined sides. There was ivy and hanging vines all over. It was some real Indiana Jones shit–booby traps and all. About a quarter mile into the culvert a skunk was pacing in circles, alternating between showing us her stinkeye and her pinkeye. One end was giving us dirty looks and the other end was threatening to spray. Trying to get by was like playing jump rope and waiting for the right moment to dash across without getting lashed by the rope, or in this case splashed with ass juice. This skunk was super pissed off, probably because the hares had already thrown rocks at it trying to get it off their trail. Accuprick came along a few minutes later and we found a trail bailout. Exit stage left! We’d rather be covered in poison oak than skunk spray. Luckily, the bailout was a shortcut to beer check in the 
common area of Cuff’s condo complex where we were treated to a snack of tasty garlicy tzatziki and some dippers. Word at beer check was that past the skunk, trail went through a 4’ concrete pipe under Soquel Dr. It was dark, cobwebby and tough to squat through. Thmp-Thmp said he went into the pipe sniffing dBASED’s ass like a Labrador and came out looking like a cat from a crawlspace with webs on its whiskers.
Religion was a mile away, back at the brewery. Some lazy bastards drove back or hitched a ride. Cookies, hash dinner and beers were served upon arrival. Accu RA’d and Virgin Sheena was beer fairy. Dung Fu Grip down-downed for bike hashing. We toasted Hugh’s 275th hash, a few birthday girls, all wankers who were skunkblocked on trail, and Deep Stroke for finishing the AIDS ride even though she decidedly did not win. Pink Cherry Licker was cheered for snaring Cuff and Occasional. Today is Monday was jeered for being scared in the tunnel. Of course at this point in the proceedings the Capitola po-po did a drive by to make their presence known, so we hustled along and let the virgins show us their stuff. All we got were jokes that sucked.
On on on was at burger. Some of us finally tried the Jello Biafra which comes on a donut bun. I say if you’re gonna get a donut bun on your burger, you might as well throw some bacon on it as well. So next time we gotta try the Luther.
Next trail will be meeting up at UCSC’s West Remote parking lot for a shiggyfest. Bring your mountain lion repellant and spelunking gear. I have a feeling they may come in handy.
On on,
Princess Di(arrhea)