(Note: No Hash Flash as this written. Look for added pictures later in the week.)

I have often felt that every year there needs to be one screwed up trail. We’ve had it.

The day started out ominously. Occasional Rapist had spend 4 days on her back and wanted one more, so asked that I scribe for her. I left her on her back watching the Breaking Bad marathon. I’m sure most that attended this debacle wished that they had followed her lead.

The Hares outing started ominously. Pink Cherry Licker was licking her chops waiting for Dung Fu Grip to arrive. She said, there’s not going to be any trail without him. I said there could be a trail, just it would be different. Don’t we all wish she hadn’t waited for Dung Fu Grip? I was in the corner watching the Football game as the hares left and barely heard what they had to say. Something about 2 beer checks and Liquor check for the Eagles.

The pack outing started ominously. I was still in the corner, when apparently circled up happened, as I never heard it. With 12 seconds to go in the half, I looked up, and where had the Hashers gone? I walked outside and saw the pack trying to solve the first check. Everyone was actually coming back from an on-something which was down Murray drive towards The Boardwalk.. I was asked, did I check over there, which was the other way.

The selection of the Hares was ominous. One week previous, Six of Nine had said “I’ll be the hare – if nothing else better comes up better”, and Hangs Loose agreed to accompany him. Getting Six of Nine to commit to something, is like suggesting to your teenagers that perhaps they should get earlier on the weekends. When no trail announcement was delivered Monday morning, Dung Fu Grip jumped on the opportunity and declared himself the hare.

Dung Fu must have a death wish, or at least a bad memory. Each of his trails has become longer and longer. He started with a pretty long romp through Pogonip. Half the people to that trail were visitors, so his legend had less of a local audience than normal. His second trail, merely 2 weeks ago, was a 5 mile march though the hills and darkness of UCSC which brought out the hazmat team (and the wrath of first responder Dr. Nappy Headed Ho). I thought that trail was on the edge of sanity. Where was the lynch mob after this debacle? The last time the Surf City Hash had a 7 mile trail, the hares knew they had fucked up so badly, they didn’t show their faces to the end!

I used be the most feared hare in the Surf City Hash, but that torch has now been passed to Dung Fu Grip. Being a feared Hare is not something easy to live down. I remember the first most feared hares I learned about. They were the Bator Brothers. The Bator Brothers were from Orange County and were a 2 brother team of MinorBator and MeisterBater. They were weekend warriors to the hilt. Their peak was when the were featured on a week long adventure race called the Eco-challenge in the early 90’s. By the way, the third person on the team (who was required to be a woman), was a Go Go Dancer. Another historical feared Hare I remember in my storied history was Marci De Sade. I still remember the rope I climbed down to a false in the dark.

Now on to the story of this travesty. The second check was innocent enough – it was at five corners. It lead to a YBF somewhere down Darwin street, around 3 1/2 blocks away. This is where I caught up with the FRB’s as they were coming back from the YBF. As best as I could figure, none of the FRB’s went all the way back to the check at 5 corners, but spread out nearby. I encountered the trail a couple blocks from 5 corners, with no Hashers nearby.

Seeing as I was on day 20 of the croup, I was pretty easy to be caught up with. Twisted Fister and I encountered a check at Broadway and Frederick street, which lead it’s way to Frederick street park, into the Yacht harbor, and then Arana Gulch. Most Hares would have realized that even going to Arana Gulch was probably too far, especially if they needed to head back to the Natural History Museum. Or, at least don’t make the turkey’s go there. However, if you are going to be a feared hare, there is one key element Dung Fu had not given us yet – Water. Beer near marker was found on one side of a creek. There was arrow across the creek that all the other FRB’s initially missed. It lead to a tree crossing across the creek to the beer check. Just Anne and Shallow Hole begged for beer to be brought back across the creek, but I told them if they wanted it, they had to come and get it. Those that made the trek across were rewarded with Tecate – hardly a reward.

I’ll note that the only non-Eagle I saw at the Beer check was Broke Bench Mountain. The rest of the pack was nowhere to be found. In the darkness, their lights would be seen from some distance. We wondered if we had missed the Turkey/Eagle split somewhere around 5 corners when the Eagles split up. Surely, this beer check was too far away for an Turkey trail. We headed to the top of Arana Gulch (Dung Fu threw in the only hill in the area) and found the Turkey Eagle Split. Timmy initially headed for the Turkey, found he was alone in the dark and turned back to be an Eagle.

The Turkey/Eagle split apparently is where things went South for the Turkeys. Somehow, a false was marked there. The Turkeys not wanting to do the Eagle, and seeing no other choices, just walked to where religion was advertised at the Natural History Museum – some distance away.

From here, the Eagles were drug all the way downtown, where Dung Fu Grip tried for Hazmat V2 on Pacific. He claims there were police officers who saw him through flour on Pacific Ave, so he thought it was OK.

In years past, I’ve heard of hounds who were happy to just follow dB most the trail. In this trail, I was quite happy to follow many DB (Dog Breath) marks. I eventually caught up with Dog Breath near where the Warriors play. A check at Riverside bridge where I checked wrong, led me from the front of the Eagles to the back of the Eagles. Then, there was the final check at Murray and East Cliff. As I arrived, the other Eagles were returning from where East Cliff heads towards above Seabright beach. I checked the neighborhood and the railroad tracks. When I came pack, the Eagle pack was gone. Fortunately, there as one final DB mark, leading to where the Eagles had previous retreated, and to the beer check.

At the beer check, there were NO Turkey’s! Little did we know they were around the corner at religion. Eventually, I believe Pink Cherry Licker checked religion and found them. All likely Eagles were accounted for except for Puff and a virgin. As Dung Fu Grip rode his bike backwards a bit, I waited at the final beer check by myself. Dung Fu Grip eventually returned, but still no Puff. Later, I was to later learn the virgin was invited by Dung Fu Grip, and he told her and Puff to just head to religion.

As I arrived at religion, I saw Timmy had already begun. It being dark, cold, late and I was sick, religion was rather a blur. Most significantly, we failed to name Just Anne again and failed on Just Sara as well. The pack simply had no energy for it. Puff eventually showed up with the virgin and she told a joke and drank. Dung Fu drank for a trail that was 2 times too long.

The On-On-On was at Seabright Brewery, but in-spite of not working the nest day, I headed home to nurse my cough.

In finality, Dung Fu Grip should be placed on hare probation. His next trail needs to be supervised. He needs to treated like a virgin. While he clearly knows how to set a trail, he does not know how much trail to lay.