Traffic has been a clusterfuck lately, right? The Valleys went home and the Slugs came in. Every new Slug and their entire families dropping them off are hopelessly lost. Traffic is bad on the other side of our bay, too. Sealed Hatch was stuck in massive traffic coming over from Monterey. Luckily, this gave her plenty of time to practice her really good down-down songs. Our default hare Timmy!!! vowed to make us pay for nobody stepping up to hare this week. I feared he would also make us pay dearly for his pasta overindulgences in Italy with a loooong-ass trail out of the Jury Room. Hugh Heifer showed up with a good pre-buzz on and blew off trail to watch baseball with the Rush Inn bartender. Yep, she ditched us for a Dodgers game. How insulting!
The hounds circled up out front and hit the road down Ocean St. A few confusing checks dropped us right in the middle of the skeevyness of San Lorenzo Park at dusk. Big thanks to Shallow Hole
for getting us back on trail and out of harm’s way. Well, not exactly…the sketchiness continued as we then went down the levee all the way to Salz Tannery and across River St. to the train tracks. Through lots of consulting with bums, “Hey, did you see a guy go this way?” we ended up at beer check #1 at the back of a truck at Pioneer St. next to a pumpkin patch.
dBASED soon rolled up in his car, leisurely eating a sandwich and wearing jeans. If y’all have been wondering what it would take to keep dBASED from running trail, we learned pneumonia is one of them. If it kept King of the Ball Busters from running, that dude must have the plague and we do not want that shit. Word on the street was that Ghettoman had just made it to he Jury Room and would be catching up with us soon, no doubt. We drained the beer check as best we could before leaving because obviously no beer left behind would go unfound in that neighborhood.
Around Costco, Pink Cherry Licker announced she’d just received a text from the hare telling us to go right by the Evergreen Cemetery. Most of us then shortcut straight to Evergreen, so that kind of made it a text trail/eagle trail split. We couldn’t find marks in the darkness of Harvey West park for awhile, but one of Timmy!!!’s tiny hare arrows ↑ were eventually found on the street in front of the cemetery. It was then on-up to Mission Hill, down to the Town Clock and straight into Rush Inn for beer check #2 with pitchers and hobnobbing. When the pitchers ran dry, we headed on-in back to the Jury Room. On the way, Shiny Snail Trail lunged to grab a flower from Puff the Magic Drag Queen’s hair, but tripped and grabbed at Puff on her way down. She almost strangled him by his camera strap. Ghettoman almost caught her but thought “oh, she’s got it” …Oh no, she didn’t.
Religion was out behind the Jury Room in a parking lot on May St. AccuPrick RA’d and Cumcerto was beer fairy. Shiny Snail Trail recently wrecked her car by taking out two trees and a mailbox. Tonight she only managed to wreck her knee in a fall. Hugh Heifer accused Six o’ Nine of not paying. I still don’t know whether he did because they both drank. Finger Nips, Sealed Hatch and Cumz Out My Nose were backsliders.
dBASED was quarantined from the chalices due to his horrid croup-monia so Sealed Hatch sang him a cheery song about dinosaurs with HIV. His brand spankin’ new wife Occasional Rapist didn’t feel like joining us tonight, so dBASED was punished for not making her cum. Ghettoman was busted for his late start, but he probably still pulled off FRB! Cumz didn’t do trail, but somehow emerged from the Jury Room not nearly as drunk as fellow barfly Hugh Heifer. That definitely deserves a beer.
Some sour-puss neighbor lady from across the street came over and told us to quiet down. She’d had enough of our foul-mouthed hooliganism. Cumcerto assured her we’d finish up and split. Then things moved real fast. Hare Timmy!!! was busted for making several calls and texts to Pink Cherry Licker about all the ways he’d badly fucked up his trail along the way. He even proceeded to spell his own kid’s name wrong in one of his texts. Blame it on the martinis. The burning question of the night: did Timmy!!!’s text mean go right (turn) by the cemetery or go right by (straight past) the cemetery??? Pinky and Six drank to this conundrum. Accu had his 125th analversary! And Twisted Fister had a repeat of his 25th analversary. Don’t know why he got two times the shaming and shitty beer for just one analversary. And the hare…because it was time to get out of sour-puss’s neighborhood before things got fugly. Suddenly, we were interrupted again. This time by a young lady getting into her car in our parking lot. Turns out she was leaving her ALTO DUI class. We let that be an omen that our proceedings really needed to end pronto, so we tried to get next week’s trail announcement out of Hugh so we could all wank off to on-on-on at new joint YOLO. Talking must’ve been too hard, but she did manage to take a chomp out of Brokebench Mountain’s chest, bruisey tooth marks and all. Since then, word has gotten around that Hugh will be haring out of Chicken Toss (Henfling’s) in Ben Lomond this week. There might even be trail if she manages to leave the bar this time.
On-on,
Princess Di(arrhea)