We all should have known better when we received this week’s trail invitation and it didn’t even have the right trail number on it. These hares were confused long before trail was laid. We all showed up anyhow, at Ye Olde Watering Hole, with hopes that our $8 will get us enough beer to forget this night.
The pack quickly filled up the bar and mortals mumbled unintelligible grumblings as they fled the area. As soon as the hares thought we were starting to get tipsy enough to surely forget this shitty trail they stood before us and told us lies while Toilet Baby longingly searched the crowd for Puff, the keeper of the dog treats.
Once on trail, we crossed over Mission on Swift and started up the path after Escalona on Grandview, a common route for the hash. As we reached the top of the hill we quickly stumbled across a liquor check mark. Here is one of the first of many lies of the evening, turns out it was bum wine and not liquor at all.
A little distance out we reach a check that we find leads us up an incredibly steep hill, about 90 feet up over the course of 150ft. If anyone still knows how to do geometry or some shit, you can figure out the incline percentage there and likely be impressed. Math is hard. We approach the top of the hill to a chalk mark of STFU, which we were told about at the bar. When we see this we are to Shut The Fuck Up! As the pack circles around I hear someone yelling, What does STFU mean? Oh, Shut the Fuck Up!” I guess although they can read they cannot comprehend, we are only half-minds after all. Trail leads us into someone’s backyard and when Dog Breath figures this out he turns the pack around, not wanting to trespass. Perhaps Dog Breath has been traveling so much recently that he forgets we LOVE trespassing! As I’m coming down the hill I feel branches and leaves hitting my legs, but as I’ve never had poison oak after being exposed I saw no harm in this, I had assumed I wasn’t allergic. Hey guys, turns out I’m allergic. Oh my itchy scratchy! Anyone else with me?
Our alternate route to the backyard is to either climb over a barbed wire fence or wiggle through the gate as it’s held open by other hashers. I chose to go over the fence and as Puff grabbed, I mean pushed my ass over the fence Thmp-Thmp provided support so I didn’t end up face planted on the other side. In hindsight I should have gone through the fence, where Dung Fu Grip, Dog Breath and Thmp-Thmp pushed and pulled the gates apart enough for fellow hashers to wiggle through.
The next little treat the hares had for us was Miramar Hill. Most of the pack was convinced trail went down Miramar and ran down only to discover nothing. Turns out trail actually went the opposite direction on Miramar and took us on Alta Vista and across Nobel before having us come down the Bay Drive Walkway in the median, a big descent with some wooden bridges, dirt and pavement.
We weaved over on Anthony before crossing Mission via Olive, where the hares were kind enough to navigate us to a crosswalk for easier crossing on such a busy street. That was about the only thing they did right on trail. We cut through the back parking lot of some businesses then turned onto Palm St, which if you were as foolish as myself to not turn off you found yourself at a back-check 8 after passing over the railroad tracks. Turns out true trail turned right down Seaside before having us end for beer check at Garfield Park.
After we devoured the kettle chips provided by the hares we decided it was time to get to religion which was held in the back parking lot of the nearby Safeway. We weren’t there a mere 3 or 4 minutes before security started getting curious. Who takes off to talk to them but Puff the Magic Drag Queen and Hugh Heifer. We aren’t sure what was said, but it worked and we carried out an entire religion although I suspect the hares should not expect to get any cash back from this trail.
Beer Fairy for the evening was newly named Transcuntnanal. We quickly jumped into the public shamings; first bringing up Pink Cherry Liquor and Fap Jack for skipping trail completely and getting Chinese Food instead.
One thing that can be said about trail is the lack of visible markings, there was a false (barely) spotted on Alta Vista about 6 inches long hiding behind a trash can. When Cock Throbbin was interrogated about the size of her false marking her response was that her entire life men had been telling her that 6 inches was huge. With Dog Breath being the first hasher to have hared with Cock Throbbin and dBASED as being responsible for making sure everyone understands how trail should be laid were given down-downs for failing this hare duo of Twisted Fister and Cock Throbbin.
The few hashers that did cut through someone’s backyard instead of going through the fence were given down downs; Today Is Monday, Transcuntnanal and Drink ‘n Squirt.
There were two analversaries to celebrate. Hugh Heifer celebrated her 369th hash and TIMMY!!! celebrated his 475th hash and even though we didn’t have a patch for TIMMY!!! we celebrated and gave him a down-down anyway.
We gave Dick N’ Squirt a down-down for being a visitor before bringing up our virgins. Virgin Jennifer was made to come by Just Jessica. She said she brought us Virgin Jennifer so we would stop calling her Jennifer. Just Jennifer sang the appropriately titled “Like A Virgin” with a little help from her friend. Virgin Wendy was made to come by Just Mirit. Virgin Wendy gave us a bedazzled flash and later had her date entertain us with a joke.
And the hares!
On-On,
Ho to Housewife