Why oh why do we blindly believe that any trail hared by Hugh Heiffer will be just a walk in the park, an easy, laid back, maryjane type of trail. She calls it “short and beautiful.”She forgets to mention “immediate elevation gain”.
She has us all meet at the Boulder Creek Brewery to lull us into a false sense of security…everything will be just fine, peachy keen. Life is good up here in the mountains. We got your trailers, your peace posters, your jury rigged electricity and your yard filled with car parts and an old bathtub….plus the requisite blue tarp decorations. It’s a party here 365 not just on Hippies Day of Birth!
So in honor of that little fireball exiting a warm womb we all set off and up. Up being the operative word. UP….UP UP AND AWAY.
How come these trails never go down?
Oh it was indeed a short little trail. I was so blinded by the magnificent beauty that I shrugged off my aching legs, my asthma and altitude induced wheezing and powered on and UP. As I was going UP folks were coming down…that magical word….DOWN, thank you Jesus.Thank you baby Jesus. I love DOWN.
They implored me not to go UP….Up to see the “waterfall”….whoop de doo!!
The look of horror on their faces convinced me I need not go UP any further to witness a spectacle of nature. I have been to Yosemite…I do not think I need to see the Boulder Crick waterfall! Thanks but no thanks.
Those folks were hoodwinked into trekking UP even farther to see a little trickle of water. Hey they could have stayed behind and watched me pee in the woods, if they wanted to see falling water so badly.
So we all scrambled further down towards Beer Check….where we were rewarded with a militia of mosquitoes….munching away on our stinky sweaty skin. And who says you can’t get a free meal around these parts.
Some didn’t even stick around for Beer Check as they were running for their lives….away from those voracious blood suckers – Broke Bench, Bakers D and Duh. Oh and the mosquitoes were pretty bad too.
Finally back at the redwood abode we commandeered, most were gathered around the grill, like primitive mountain men, admiring the days hunting efforts and swilling beer.
Grub was being served up and the grueling trail quickly faded into a fond memory of pretty waterfalls and scenic creek crossings.
We did Religion, of course..with Dung Fu attempted to scream above the crowd.
Some guy with a passport and a bowl of Pad Thai, possibly named House Knuckle, was here from Thailand. Apparently he has spent the past 10 years in a glutenous purgatory.
We had some lovely virgins who quickly got into the spirit of the hash and plus a gal from New Orleans Voodoo tribe….who did show us her *&^% and $$$ and we didn’t even have to throw beads. We got 2 body parts for the price of one. This despite the crappy dick joke served up by “virgin Tad”, and virgin Caitlain’s bitchy Tampon joke.
We applauded the efforts of some serious sleep deprived and mentally unstable hashers who completed a racist event.
We thanked the hosts and gave Hippie Hugh her required Beerthday song plus a lovely parting gift.
We survived the Boulder Creature woods and escaped back to civilization as soon we ran out of beer
Up Up and Away….
Over and Out…
On On
CumFartZone
This weeks beerthday trail will start at the Boulder Creek Brewery Outpost, 13101 Hwy 9. Boulder Creek. A to B and beyond. Trail will be short and beautiful. Then we will all walk together, unlike last weeks trail to religion. There will be food so your drunk asses do not drive off any cliffs on your way home. Of course there will be veggie burgers and dogs besides the cow burgers and what ever the fuck hotdogs are made of. Bring your flash light for the walk back to the Outpost. Good dogs are welcome but have them be ready too get slobber on as the home religion will be held at has a big dog and lots of play area for then to run a muck. ON oN…, Hugh “it’s my Birthday hash”Hippy heiffer with co hares, Get up and run bitch, Too drunk to fuck and our grill master CumLord.