Salutations,
And I extend deepest sympathies to those of you that were suckered into attending Hash 1154 believing it was an anniversary of Occasional Rapist and dBASED’s M-Word Hash. It was, in actuality, another thinly-veiled attempt on the part of this dastardly duo to strike terror and desperation into the hearts of Surf City hashers.
Sadly, they were successful in their efforts.
These miscreants baited the hook by assigning The Mediterranean in Seacliff, an old favorite of ours, as the start for their next act of treachery. Then, to insure maximum damage, our hare-pair delayed their on-out time until 6:45 thereby insuring as many unsuspecting hounds as possible would be snared in their devious plot. So, sometime around 7PM, RA Accuprick called for Circleup for Introductions. Answering barks were heard from: Cum You Will Not, Steamy Baanorrhea, Wicked Retahted, Cumz Out My Nose, TIMMY!!, Broke Bench Mountain, Fine Young Cannibal, Cold Smegma Kamikaze, Dicky Wacker, Princess Di(arrhea), Thmp-Thmp, Rubik’s Pube, Bareback Unicrack and Puff the Magic Drag Queen. Off we went.
False markings north on Broadway sent the clan careening south and peeling off into the parking lot for Seacliff State Beach. Continuing in that direction, one and all knew we were bound for the infamous steps leading on-down to the beach. They are, mercifully, far more bearable in THIS direction than in the on-up direction at least.
Once safely on-down, arrows pointed the pod towards the sand. Very few, probably only notorious masochist Steamy Baanorrhea, followed them. Those of us more sensible paralled trail through the parking lot and rejoined true trail at the pedestrian bridge over what we euphemistically refer to as Aptos Creek but is little more than a stinky lagoon as this time of the year.
A check was discovered near the bathrooms at the foot of the steep Rio Del Mar Boulevard hill. Here masochistic Steamy Baanorrhea (foolishly) volunteered to on-up being of the mind cruel dBASED would undoubtedly take the troops there. He was wrong.
After all other avenues of escape were mapped, trail was discovered on-left through the Rio Del Mar flats, past the sad remains of the Sea Breeze Tavern and on-right onto Moosehead Drive.
Dreary Moosehead Drive was traversed to Spreckles Drive, under Highway 1 and to the junction with Soquel Drive. All-in-all, a dreary, featureless section of a dreary, featureless trail. A check was solved here pointing the pod on-right and then on-left onto Aptos Creek Road. Surely this will prove to be a backcheck, no one could possibly expect the pack to survive even the slightest of excursions into the Forest Of Nisene Marks in the dark. Just past the railroad tracks, a small group of deer were seen. Everyone knows where there’s deer, there’s puma. No concern to the hares though apparently, THEY were through here with the sun shining. On we plodded.
I will not detail greatly the treacherous trip through the forest. Not that I do not believe it worth chronicling, it’s just that it was so damn dark I could not see anything. I do remember Broke Bench Mountain giving a dissertation of the mechanical attributes of the old car lying upside down just prior to crossing Aptos Creek. Whether he truly cared or was just trying to take his mind off the potential of meeting a mountain lion, I do not know. While Aptos Creek is frightfully low, even for this time of the year, that did not stop many of us from coming away with dripping rear paws. While we have bridged this spot many times in the past, darkness lends sinister shadows to the rocks used as stepping stones.
After wading the creek, we connected with Aptos Rancho Trail and eventually stumbled onto, appropriately enough, Aptos Rancho Road. This brought us back to Soquel Drive. Smelling victory, the gang plunged ahead and made an on-left onto State Park Drive and crossed over Highway 1 and was soon to discover the promised Turkey-Eagle split at Hillcrest Drive. Only a few mildly insane souls, such as Steamy Baanorrhea, would engage the Eagle option. They would trot along Hillcrest to Beachgate Way and on-left and use the treacherous on-down dirt trail back down to the beach. They would then on-left onto Las Olas Drive, then State Park Drive, on-right onto Center Street and on-left onto Broadway where they would find both the Turkeys as well as Beer Check awaiting them. The Turkeys had made an on-left at the Turkey-Eagle split and moseyed along the railroad tracks and made an on-right and on-down off the tracks, almost stumbling over a person sleeping, and into Beer Check. An episode at Beer Check provided the most exciting and interesting section of this entire trail.
Above we see Junk Puncher interacting with a resident feline. I will not say Junk Puncher lost this engagement as the cat eventually moved on, but I WILL say I witnessed the cat chasing Junk Puncher more than once. King Pussy Rules!!
Eventually all hounds reassembled and the herd migrated to Santa Cruz Avenue to stage Religion. Once libations were dispensed, Religious Adviser Accuprick issued the following down-downs: Cum You Will Not for celebrating her 225th hash with us; Cold Smegma Kamikaze, Cum You Will Not and Bareback Unicrack for getting lost on trail; Dicky Wacker for falling on trail(as usual); Accuprick for relating a politically incorrect joke and Bareback Unicrack as a backslider. Saved for last, as that’s where we like them, were the hares.
On-on-on was just barely made before closing at Manuel’s Restaurant. That pretty much closed down Trail 1154 and that pretty much closes down this Hash Trash as well.
The preceding is a factual accounting of actual events though possibly not as they actually occurred. One should never allow the facts to stand in the way of a good story.
By Special Appointment of His Royal Majesty ‘G’, this Hash Trash has been compiled and printed by permission of no one other than the author at Santa Cruz, Ca., or elsewhere if need be, on this, the twenty-first day of September in the year of our Hash two-thousand twenty-one.
On-out,
Puff
the
Magic Drag Queen
Acting Scribe
Surf City H3