Greetings,

And welcome to the three innermost Circles of Hades courtesy this time not of Dante but rather the attractive and our purportedly innocuous Princess Di(arrhea). For her fiftieth(and hopefully FINAL) haring, our little Princess took the unusual tact of laying three separate trails, each working independently of each other but still sharing the common goal of perturbing a previously pleasant pack. Sadly, and I am disdainful of having to award her any credit whatsoever, I am forced to reluctantly admit she was successful in her endeavor. Much to everyone’s dismay too, I dare say.

However, as a standing edict from both past and present GM’s, Scribes must faithfully chronicle the deeds, or as in this case the MIS-deeds, of hares and their respective trails, I will continue shuffling through this mess trying to remain unblemished by it’s dirtiness.

This (mis)adventure began mundanely enough at old favorite Beer Thirty on the edge of beautiful downtown Soquel, California. There’s ample room here which pleased the mortals in attendance as they were able to safely separate themselves from our growing gang. 

A pack of thirty hashers raises quite a ruckus and even more so when they are accompanied by their four-legged canine companions. We had the usual contingency consisting of Junk Puncher and Spot’d Dick but this week Just Jaime brought her animal as did Just Holly(will she EVER be named?) and Clearly Not A Hooker, both of whom toted their mangy mutts in their purses a la Paris Hilton. (AKA Handbag Hounds) Well, that just goes to prove the old saying, It takes all kinds. And we sure have our share of ’em here at Surf City.

Speaking of misfits, we welcomed back My Best Friend’s Cock and Twisted Fister to the fold after long absences. Not absent as long but still too long we also saw Bacon Queef and Just Foot Pussy. I could also mention we saw The Arabian Goggler as well but I don’t think anyone really missed him anyway. We will hear their flimsy excuses for their prolonged absences during Religion. Not that we really missed them anyway.

Not soon enough, lone hare Princess Di(arrhea) divested her current version of Instructions of Trail. Just to insure maximum confusion, she gave three completely different set of details although all three trails were reputedly carbon copies of each other. I must admit though that in that particular respect she was being truthful: all three were lousy.

After the passage of fifteen or so minutes, we assumed all trails were prelay, Co-GM’s Broke Bench Mountain and Cumz Out My Nose called for Circleup for Introductions and heard responding barks from the following hounds: Just Holly, Occasional Rapist, Today Is Monday, TIMMY!!, Thmp-Thmp, Wicked Retahted, Dicky Wacker, My Little Bony, Cold Smegma Kamikaze, Steamy Baanorrhea, Snake Me Anywhere, The Arabian Goggler, Jizziki, Courtesy Flush, Clearly Not A Hooker, Just Mike, Just Jaime, dBASED, Cum You Will Not, Twisted Fister, My Best Friend’s Cock, Ska-Skank Redemption, Just Foot Pussy, Bacon Queef and Puff the Magic Drag Queen. Oh yeah, a dog house full of dogs too.  

The clan crossed Main Street and came to home base for all three trails at the intersection with Porter Street. I will only relate the section relating to trail one on-left. I remember most of it…sadly.

This group went on-left and under Highway 1 and then on-left through a gas station and into a parking lot for a nearby shopping complex. We soon came to Crossroads Loop(what the hell kinda name is THAT?!?) and then on-left onto the appropriately named Hill Street. When Hill intersected with Capitola Avenue, we made the anticipated on-left, crossed over Highway 1 and were directed on-left onto Bellevue(like the mental institution in New York) Street. This loops onto Lafeyette Street and then climaxes at Soquel Drive. Here the drove was directed on-left and on-down into Soquel Village. Soon after crossing Soquel Creek, the pod was pointed on-left towards The Heart of Soquel Park. I believe the hare did this prior to allowing us to reach J. J.’s Saloon and Social Club thereby preventing hounds from getting their rear paws stuck in the bar rail. That’s the most intelligent aspect of trail thus far. There, shielded by darkness, communal Beer Check was staged and was common to all three trails.  

Upon concluding my business here, I migrated back towards the starting point for the three trails. However, just shy of that spot, I intersected one of the two remaining trails, I haven’t a clue as to which one, and followed it’s instructional arrow on-right onto Soquel Wharf Road and then utilizing the locals-only walkway on-right onto Esta Lane. After completing the on-up on Esta, trail turned on-right onto Robertson Street to a check at West Walnut Street. I guessed incorrectly and continued forward on Robertson and was too lazy to turn back when I heard dBASED give the on-on on-right onto Walnut. I continued on-in to Soquel and wove my weary way back to Beer Check that way. By the time of my belated arrival, the area was literally a hasher heaven and filled to the brim with hounds. I opted to forgo the remaining trail, the first two had actually been rude enough that I felt no desire to suffer through a third insult.

After wasting enough time here we believed neighbors may have summoned one of the proverbial black-and-white vehicles, we pedaled back to the (sort of) vacant lot behind Beer Thirty adjacent to the open air market to instigate Religion.

Religious Advisor functions were ably handled by Pink Cherry Licker. Here’s a sampling of down-downs she issued: backsliders were first on her list and there was a beer can full of ’em such as…

Those that attempted and/or completed all 3 trails were mocked for their foolishness

Just Jaime, due to recent sexual exploits both salacious and obscene, morphed into…

   

We also celebrated two analversaries; Just Foot Pussy has acquired 175 hashes with us and Princess Di(arrhea) has, more or less, completed 50 harings for us.

Lastly, hare Princess Di(arrhea) was taken to task for laying three trails and still not getting it right. Three trails, three strikes, you’re out! She was, however, gifted a present for 50 harings.

After dispensing with the hare and her (numerous) transgressions, Religious Adviser Pink Cherry Licker declared, This Hash is over! and, taking my cue from her, This Trash is over!

The preceding was a factual accounting of actual events though possibly not as they actually occurred. One should never allow the facts to stand in the way of a good story.

By Special Appointment of His Royal Majesty ‘G’, this Hash Trash has been compiled and printed by permission of no one other than the author at Santa Cruz, Ca., or elsewhere if need be, on this, the twenty-fifth day of January in the year of our Hash two-thousand twenty-two.

Submitted with all respect due,

Puff

the

Magic Drag Queen

Surf City H3 Scribe