Welcome to the innermost Circle of Hades…

A Steamy Baanorrhea and Dung-Fu Grip trail of torture and terror. Both of whom are notorious long runners and, as any qualified psychologist will confirm, persons that run for extended periods(without being chased) are symbolically attempting to outrun the multitude of problems they face in their personal lives. THEIR problems have now become OUR problems.

Speaking for myself, I do not really care about the poor personal choices these two clowns have made in their wasted time on this earth. I DO, however, care about their pathetic attempt to shift the blame onto the gentle people of the Surf City H3 kennel. We have supported these two jokers through over a combined five-hundred-plus hashes and how are we repaid, what are the thanks we receive? A trail of Draconian proportions, that’s how.

Our hare-pair labeled their trail Steaming Dung Hill. I now believe this to be a typographical error on their part, Steamy Dung Hell is what I believe they intended to call this outing but, most likely due to their level of intoxication, they fat-fingered incorrectly. This, incidentally, is most likely the same stage of incapacitation they were in when they planned this trail. And, in retrospect, probably when they laid it as well.

The hares inserted a rather disjointed stab of dire-erections into us about trail and it’s myriad of incarnations. As of yet, I have been unable to ascertain if this was a ploy on their part to confuse the pack or whether the hares themselves were just actually that friggin’ confused. Sadly, the bottom line here is that the hares hopped on-out not exactly sure how events would unfold and the pack outed certain they would not LIKE how events would unfold.

Once resigned to our fate, co-GM’s Broke Bench Mountain and Cumz Out My Nose called for our perfunctory Circleup for Introductions and heard responding barks from: Just Holly, Dicky Wacker, Courtesy  Flush, TIMMY!!, Wicked Retahted, Leaky Rubber, Pink Cherry Licker, Cold Smegma Kamikaze, Occasional Rapist, Cum You Will not, Clearly Not A Hooker, Ska-Skank Redemption, dBASED, Rubik’s Pube, Hugh Heifer, Virgin Alexandria, a passel of four-legged hounds and Puff the Magic Drag Queen.

I admit I’m jumping to a conclusion with no basis in fact to substantiate it, but I believe most hounds that hashed this trail will aspire to forgetting it in record time so the recap thereof will be mercifully brief. Trail description would be quite succinct but there was a major cock-up right at the start. 

Trail led the litter to the intersection of Commercial Way and Mission Drive. Here’s where the pack erred. Trail was located on Commercial Way towards Soquel Drive and Broke Bench Mountain sounded the on-on. The packs response?  Follow Cold Smegma Kamikaze onto Mission Drive towards Soquel Drive to allow us the opportunity to 1) Be way-the-hell off trail and 2) To add more distance to a trail that would eventually prove to be too damn long anyway. And it was so done which only goes to prove the old Hash adage: Never underestimate the stupidity of the pack.

Once the (less) stupid hounds were reunited with the (exceptionally) stupid ones at the intersection of Soquel Drive and Paul Sweet Road, a check had to be dealt with. After unsuccessful sniffing of Paul Sweet(the ROAD, not the PERSON), true trail forced the flock to undertake the dangerous crossing of the on-ramp to Highway 1. When the green light signals the traffic on Soquel Drive can enter the highway, these speedsters put the pedal-to-the-metal and balls-to-the-wall head(who said head?) for the on-ramp as would a NASCAR driver exiting the pits. If you’re the poor bastard crossing at that point in time, you’re destined to become someone’s hood ornament.

 

Fortunately, no one was lost and all completed the crossing of the Highway 1 bridge and transitioned onto Soquel Avenue. A check at the Soquel Avenue crossing was sniffed unsuccessfully. The was not an error on the part of these hounds but rather the fact they recoiled upon seeing dBASED had continued along Soquel Avenue rather than crossing. We are all cognizant of the closest admonishment to a maxim in Surf City: Never follow dBASED! Consequentially, most of the herd migrated across Soquel Avenue to find true trail actually DID continue on Soquel Avenue exactly as had dBASED. We crossed back over.

Another check was encountered at Seventh Avenue. This check was easily solved but mainly due to the fact no one wished to cross Soquel and takeoff down Seventh Avenue.

Trail continued along the crumbling cliff towering over Arana Creek and overlooking Harbor High School athletic field. At La Fonda Avenue, the drove was directed on-right, back over Highway 1 and on-left onto Holway Drive. Not far along Holway, a rousing chorus of El Camino, El, El Camino was crooned as the pack passed an El Camino in a driveway. This fun ended as we reached Morrissey Boulevard and were pointed on-right to begin a gradual on-up.  

At the intersection with Prospect Heights, the promised Turkey/Eagle split was encountered. I contemplated my options. The next section of trail was obvious; Eagles would employ Old Vineyard Trail on the southern boundary of DeLaveaga Park and Turkey’s would trot Prospect Heights to Brookwood Drive to rejoin with the Eagles. As I consider DeLaveaga prime puma hunting territory, I opted to turkey trot. After making the on-right onto Brookwood Drive, I was passed by Leaky Rubber for the second(third?) time this evening. I asked him how the Eagle trail was and he said, The dark was comprehensive, all encompassing. He shuddered and took off.

A hare arrow at Brookwood and Paul Sweet Road(yes, we’re back there) turned the troops on-left. A distance along Paul Sweet maker made us on-right onto Dominican Way, one of the many roads through the Dominican Hospital complex. We trotted the complete length of Dominican Way to Mission Drive. I took a brief excursion as we passed the Emergency entrance to see if any of us had landed there yet. Lots of COVID protocols in effect but mercifully no hashers. At Mission Drive we were turned on-right and then across Soquel Drive. We continued on Mission Drive to Commercial Way. Incidentally, along this stretch of macadam, I witnessed Courtesy Flush on his mobile. He claimed he was on a Zoom meeting. That does not explain why he had his hand in his pants though. That being said, he did NOT divulge with whom he was on the phone.

Once we reached Commercial Way, a slight on-right was immediately followed by an on-left onto 17th Avenue which was followed by the highly sought after BN mark. We survived!

And it was there, in the parking lot of B&B Small Engine Repair(Trivia: formerly co-owned by Slonad) that Beer Check was staged in a public place. 

The gang soon migrated back to the start where Dung-Fu Grip assumed the role of Religious Adviser. Here’s a partial listing of down-downs he unjustifiably issued: dBASED for being correct in his trail choices multiple time this night, definitely a Surf City first; Broke Bench Mountain over his confusion about trail marks during the Chalk Talk he delivered; Leaky Rubber for not being able to come up with a song for the above crime, Virgin Alexandria was welcomed, Steamy Baanorrhea for (more or less) completing his tenth haring for us. Oh, yeah. The accursed hares were roundly reamed as well. After the hares were sent away, the RA declared an end to this Hash and I hereby do the same for this Trash.

The preceding was a factual accounting of actual events though possibly not as they actually occurred. One should never allow the facts to stand in the way of a good story.

By Special Appointment of His Royal Majesty ‘G’, this Hash Trash has been compiled and printed by permission of no one other than the author at Santa Cruz, Ca., or elsewhere if need be, on this, the eighth day of February in the year of our Hash two-thousand twenty-two.

Submitted with all respect due,

Puff

the

Magic Drag Queen

Surf City H3 Scribe