Welcome to the wilds of Ben Lomond,
That’s somewhat redundant, isn’t it? Ben Lomond itself is 15 miles from the nearest nothing and we have taken a side road that completely bypassed town, such as it is.
Be that as it may, here we are surrounded by trees, hills and all manner of wild animal. Co-hare My Sister’s Dildo has supplied pizza knowing 1) There no place within 10 mile of eating and 2) she doesn’t think her trail is especially good. She proved correct on both counts.
The pack trickled in slowly, most possibly due to the fact even Google Earth has not mapped this off-the-grid area so their GPS hadn’t the foggiest idea where the hell they wanted to go. Eventually though all the players were on the board and the pre-lube pizza-and-beer-feed began. Long before we wished it to happen, co-hare Baker’s Dozen’t delivered Instructions of Trail with Rubik’s Pube standing behind him prepared to flee if the pack rebelled. Hares-out.
In the interlude between hares-out and pack-out, Accuprick delivered the Chalk Talk to Virgins Jill and Ben. I doubt much of it sank in. If it truly had, they would have fled in terror prior to on-out time. After the passage of the requisite 15 minute lead time, co-GM Broke Bench Mountain signaled for Circleup for Introductiions and as a result heard from the following hounds: Banana Split, Throttle Bottle, TIMMY!!, Womb With A View, Steamy Baanorrhea, Accuprick, Virgin Jill, Virgin Ben, Clearly Not A Hooker, Cold Smegma Kamikaze, Just Sam, Occasional Rapist, Cum You Will Not, dBASED, Rainbow Butthole, Wines Like A Bitch, Bacon Queef, Just Foot Pussy and Puff the Magic Drag Queen. Dogs are verboten on trail here so Fido remained at home this evening. Pack-out.
This will be a rather brief description of trail as it basically was on one trail. The scenery was too spectacular here so I took the Eagle trail. Eagles took Woodrat Trail(terrible name) and were subjected to over 500 feet of elevation gain. Even the local deer don’t come way-the-hell up here. There was a Liquor Check at one of the two Vista Points we passed.
Eventually we started a serious on-down and transitioned onto Sunset Trail and rejoined the Turkeys. Just as trail flattened out, Beer Check was staged. By this time, Rubik’s Pube and Baker’s Dozen’t, manning Beer Check, realized the Turkey’s were laggin’ and Baker’s took off at a high rate of speed to retrieve his vehicle to carry the last of the Turkey’s on-in. Soon after Beer Check, trail transitioned onto Lower Chaparral Trail which bought the pack back to the start.
Once Baker had retrieved the Turkey stragglers, Accuprick started his Religion machine. Here’s a sampling of down-downs issued this night: the Virgins were welcomed; Just Foot Pussy mocked as DFL; the visitors were welcomed; those convicted of using technology on trail; those that shed blood on this trail; analversaries were celebrated. Oh, almost forgot. The hare-trio was brought to the altar, the general consensus was they should be abandoned here with the turkeys and deer…and especially the cougars. After dispensing with the hares, Accuprick declared this Hash as being over and I do the same for this Trash.
By Special Appointment of His Royal Majesty ‘G’, this Hash Trash has been compiled and printed by permission of no one other than the author at Santa Cruz, Ca., or elsewhere if need be, on this, the seventh day of August in the year of our Hash two-thousand twenty-two.
Submitted with all respect due,
Puff
the
Magic Drag Queen
Surf City H3 Scribe