Go West, young man,

The slogan popularized by Horace Greeley. I’m certain Mr. Greeley did NOT mean, Go to Mission West. That is, however, exactly where hare-pair Steamy Baanorrhea and Leaky Rubber directed US on the evening of August the eleventh. Foolishly, we did as requested. I trust we shan’t make the same error in the future.

Those of you that go back to the Ye Olde Watering Hole days will agree the environs of this establishment have been radically altered since the ownership change. A few of you may even go back to the Paul’s Place era and can tell of an even greater metamorphosis. Sadly, one aspect that has not changed is the clientele that get their feet caught in the bar rail on a daily basis. For this reason, the pack assembled in the relative safety of the outdoor drinkin’ area.

The pack assembly process is always intriguing. Hashers are always jockeying for position within each clique, sometimes to participate, other times simply to glean gossip or eavesdrop. I have found it safest to observe these antics from afar thus avoiding becoming an object of ridicule or the butt of too many jokes. Speaking of jokes, that brings to mind the evening’s hare-pair, Steamy Baanorrhea and Leaky Rubber. Steamy has already begun backing away from this trail by claiming he’s only co-haring to make sure Leaky doesn’t perpetrate any major cock-ups. Or should that be ‘penetrate’? I believe Steamy does not completely trust Leaky to not do something extremely rude. Just for the record book, most of us have the same sentiments toward Steamy. This may a case of the fox guarding the hen house.

Only somewhat behind schedule the hares called for attention. They received very little. They made the Surf City standard issue pack of lies claiming trail was short, fast and flat. Sounds like some of the girlfriends dBASED conspired with prior to his (second) marriage. There would be a Liquor Check as well as the standard Beer Check. As usual it was difficult to separate the blatant lies from the promises that would simply go unfulfilled. That’s the major reason I’ve always considered Instructions of Trail more for entertainment than information. Hares-out.

The next 15 minutes were passed as usual, fierce socializing and attempting to ignore the treachery and terror that awaited us. The time did, however, pass and upon reaching the expiration date, a Circleup for Introductions was called for by co-GM Broke Bench Mountain. His request yielded yelps from the following hounds: Dung-Fu Grip, Carlos Danger, Occasional Rapist, Pink Cherry Licker, TIMMY!!, Just Breanna, dBASED, Hareless, Accuprick, Boneless Shelter, Virgin Kennan, Cold Smegma Kamikaze, Twisted Fister, Virgin Bonnie and Puff the Magic Drag Queen. Representing our canine contingency was Boulder and Junk Puncher. Pack away.

A check was encountered just out of sight from the start. Hounds high-tailed it in all directions sniffing for trail. Nothing was heard until Just Breanna eventually sounded on-on on-left on McPherson and on the corner with Fair another check was observed. Here it was on-right to the Rail Trail where we were pointed on-left and crossed Fair Avenue and Almar Avenue before arriving at a check at Rankin Street. Trail was located on-right on Rankin followed by an on-right onto Walk Circle and then on-left onto Naglee Avenue which brought the gang to Woodrow Avenue.

Some serious sniffing at Woodrow yielded an on-left to the innermost of the Circles, Errett Circle, and then an exit via California Street followed by an on-left onto Dufour Street. Dufour was used until an on-right onto Seaside Street was indicated. Thus began a rather long, not to mention boring, stretch of asphalt that did not yield to another street until Laurent Street. Seaside (finally ) ends at Laurent which prompted an on-left to Mission Street and on-right there. Mercifully we did not spend much time on Mission and took the next on-left onto Van Ness Avenue which took us to King Street and an on-left was followed by a quick on-right onto Laurent Street. A cluster of harriettes huddled at Laurent and Escalona gawking at the Laurent Street hill, the majority of which is shielded by an on-right curve partway on-up. However, the part they COULD see was more than enough to make them decide there was no reason good enough to have them undertake cresting the crest so they turned on-right secure in the knowledge that what goes UP must (eventually) come DOWN. The RA will deal with these laggards during Religion I imagine.

I see EVERY reason to tackle this section of trail, let’s on-up. I gladly admit it was strenuous though. Once finally making the top, trail turned on-left onto Majors Street and soon after the LC mark was observed and we strode into the abode of Leaky Rubber. Here Leaky was handing out chocolate pudding shots containing leftover bottles of liquor he no longer wished to consume. As if chocolate itself is not sweet enough, Bailey’s constituted one of the additives to the pudding. After those 2 ingredients are combined, it doesn’t really matter what other poison you add, it’s overpowered by those first 2 ingredients anyway. We staggered on-out.

An on-left onto Allegro Drive was followed soon by an on-right onto Moore Street. One block later was an on-left onto Fridley Drive. Fridley ends at Iowa Drive where we went on-left which brought us to Bay Drive. Halfway across Bay we were turned on-left and on-down the Bay Walkway. This is a scenic and safe to way to navigate Bay until the pathway ends at Escalona Drive where we were turned on-right to begin another long, boring stretch all the way to an on-left on Mesa Lane and one block later on-right onto King Street. King comes to Mission Street almost directly across from Mission West where this fiasco began almost exactly 4 miles ago for the Eagles. To put a little distance between ourselves and the bar’s liquor license, we moved to the parking lot next door. Once settled in, RA Accuprick got things rolling.

Here’s a sampling of the down-downs he issued this night: Backsliders were busted; analversaries were celebrated; Virgins were welcomed; those that missed Liquor Check were punished; co-hare manning Liquor Check that did not see everyone that was there. Yep, the hares were chided lastly. After dealing with the hares, the RA declared and end to this Hash and I do the same for this Trash.

The preceding was a factual accounting of actual events though possibly not as they actually occurred. One should never allow the facts to stand in the way of a good story. Do not allow the profound to be the enemy of the interesting.

A Scribe’s sole purpose is to provide entertainment to their kennel mates. Whether or not they are successful in this endeavor is still a subject open to debate.

I chose not to complicate this Hash Trash with facts thereby allowing me to extract almost any end I desired. It was with this motive in mind that I recounted the events that comprised Hash Twelve-Oh-5.

By Special Appointment of His Royal Majesty ‘G’, this Hash Trash has been compiled and printed by permission of no one other than the author at Santa Cruz, Ca., or elsewhere if need be, on this, the sixteenth day of August in the year of our Hash two-thousand twenty-two.

Submitted with all respect due,

Puff

the

Magic Drag Queen

Surf City He Scribe