Rain on our parade,

It would appear the gods of the Hash wished to prevent Dung-Fu Grip from perpetrating his recurring Christmas crime on us as the rare occurrence of water fell from the sky this evening. Sadly, these overseers underestimated Dung-Fu’s dedication to dastardly deeds and we were criminalized again.

Starting from what is arguably Santa Cruz’s most notorious dive bar, the (Nasty) Asti, rivaled only possibly by the Jury Room or the long-gone Lil’s Seaside Tavern, (I will not speak of it) sets the stage for the outrageous act to follow. Admittedly, a mop has finally been dragged across the floor of late and the smoke and blood stains have been painted over. However, the clientele has NOT been replaced so a visit here remains as sketchy as ever. And so, it was here(again) that Dung-Fu began his annual assault on our sensibilities.

The six o’clock hour is somewhat early for the creatures that frequent this establishment so, mercifully, the pack had the majority of this dark cave to ourselves. It gave us hope we would exit the facility prior to the arrival of people even hashers do not wish to associate with. To this end, our hare delivered Instructions of Trail only slightly past the standard 6:33. There was mention of a Liquor Check, a trail both short and flat(proved inaccurate), nice scenery(another fallacy) and one or two excellent photo ops( depended on your definition of ‘excellent’). Hare-away.

The next fifteen minutes was consumed by making our drinks disappear and keeping one eye on the door hoping it remained unused most of the time, at least by anyone other than our fellow kennel mates. For the most part it was too. Like I mentioned, it’s too early for the usual denizens of this den to slither in. Thankfully, before having to fear for our safety, co-GM’s Cumz Out My Nose and Broke Bench Mountain wisely called for Circleup for Introductions and heard from the following: Flours For Anal Bum, Clearly Not A Hooker, Cold Smegma Kamikaze, Steamy Baanorrhea, Hareless, Accuprick, Pink Cherry Licker, TIMMY!!, 2 Dicks Down, Circle Gherkin’, Courtesy Flush, dBASED, Just Kamryn, Rainbow Butthole, Wines Like A Bitch, My Sister’s Dildo, Womb With A View, Virgin Slim and Puff the Magic Drag Queen. This week’s canine contingency consisted of only Junk Puncher. Pack out.

It was on-left out the door and across Laurel Street to an on-left onto Birch Lane. There, in the boarded-up doorway formerly giving access to the Poet and Patriot pub, we discovered Liquor Check. Seems appropriate enough.

Note the word ‘cothrom’ on the trim around the former door. That’s Gaelic for ‘opportunity’. In this context, the reference referred to your ability to drink Guinness on tap till 2AM. We soon moved on as this is a highly visible area. We continued to Cedar Street. A solved check pointed the pod on-right and one block later it was on-right again back to Pacific Avenue and on-left there. We fascinated passersby and embarrassed ourselves by traipsing a substantial portion of Pacific until reaching Soquel Avenue where we were led on-right then on-left on Frazier Lewis Lane to Front Street and on-left. At Cooper Street it was on-left and then on-left again to skirt around the edge of Abbott Square and on-right into the arcade back to Pacific. At Pacific it was on-right there and then on-left onto Locust Street. One block later, Cedar Street again, we went on-right and while I have no personal knowledge of such, a Gorilla Beer Check may have been instituted at the Red Room. We proceeded along Cedar to Mission Street and were directed on-left and on-up to Mission Hill.

At Sylvar Street we undertook the dangerous crossing of Mission Street and then on-right onto High Street. This took us within a lightning bolt’s distance from Holy Cross Church where the obligatory gang mug shot was taken.

Moving along before persons of importance noticed us, we proceeded to School Street and then on-down the Anthony steps to North Pacific. Here we were told to proceed on-left along Water Street to River Street and a check was discovered there. There ensued some confusion here and a copious quantity of time was expended. Hounds went in various directions and returned empty-pawed until marker was discovered north on the levee pathway and then on-left down a small hill leading to the path on-right under Water Street. Now it’s common knowledge the levee pathway is a questionable walk during daylight hours and off limits after the sun has vacated the sky. That was of course of no concern to our hare whom can outrun any of the questionable creatures that inhabit the levee in darkness. So, we banded together for safety’s sake and traversed the levee and then made the on-left onto the pedestrian bridge crossing above the mighty San Lorenzo River, through the park, on-right on Dakota Street and then across Soquel Avenue and on-right back onto the levee pathway behind Royal Taj Restaurant.

This would bring us to the Riverside Avenue bridge eventually. Just prior to that, a sharp-eyed Pink Cherry Licker spotted a tall person with horns on his head standing proud at the stairs atop Cliff Street. Either the Prince of Darkness was in town or the hare stood out in bold silhouette at Beer Check. Thankfully, it was the latter. Once across the bridge, trail led the litter into the darkened depths of Beach Flats, on-left onto Leibrandt, past the park to Beach Street and on-right past the Boardwalk. Then Cliff Street was utilized to it’s termination point overlooking the river. It was there the hare staged Beer Check, exactly where Pink Cherry Licker had spied him earlier.

Having completed our business here we proceeded on-down the steps and along Laurel Street Extension to the area behind Wheel Works. It was there Accuprick donned his Religious Adviser attire. Here’s a sampling of down-downs he issued: Courtesy Flush for playing a drinking game at Beer Check, backsliders were chastised and a naming was attempted(tabled for later). Religion was mercifully short as the rain now pelted our pelts mercilessly. This prompted the RA to declare an end to this Hash and I do the same for this Hash Trash.

On-on-on was conducted at Woodstock’s and saw Circle Gherkin’, Courtesy Flush and Pink Cherry Licker in attendance.

The preceding was a factual accounting of actual events though possibly not as they actually occurred. One should never allow the facts to stand in the way of a good story. Do not allow the profound to be the enemy of the interesting.

A Scribe’s sole purpose is to provide entertainment to their kennel mates. Whether or not they are successful in this endeavor is still a subject open to debate.

I chose not to complicate this Hash Trash with facts thereby allowing me to extract almost any end I desired. It was with this motive in mind I recounted the events that comprised Hash twelve-22.

By Special Appointment of His Royal Majesty ‘G’, this Hash Trash has been compiled and printed by permission of no one other than the author at Santa Cruz, Ca., or elsewhere if need be, on this, the thirteenth day of December in the year of our Hash two-thousand twenty-two.

Submitted with al respect due,

Puff

the

Magic Drag Queen

Surf City H3