Tunnels of Terror

I was looking forward to this week’s trail.  Puff the Magic Drag Queen and Dung Fu Grip told the pack we were starting trail at the Santa Cruz Mountain Brewery.  They have great beer and I love the West Side.  Then I saw this week’s trail announcement.  I thought to myself, “Oh fuck!  Where are those bastards taking us?”  We’ve hashed all over the West Side numerous times and I know that area really well.  They were supposedly taking us to less visited, seldom seen places that no one wants to visit.  This trail was supposed to separate “the REAL hashers, from the fair-weathered variety.”  I’m a real hasher.  I’ve been around the proverbial hashers block a few times.  Occasional Rapist and I were knee deep in mud in Savannah at America’s Interhash 2010.  Surf City has survived numerous dBASED trails.  He had us swimming in the mouth of the San Lorenzo River at the M-Word Run last year.  How bad could this trail be?  Despite the ominous warning, a large pack was brave enough to show up.  Ho to Housewife brought 3 Virgins!  I thought to myself, those poor suckers have no idea what they’re in for.  Glad most of the pack listened and brought flashlights.  Photos courtesy of Occasional Rapist, who served at stunt hash flasher since Puff was haring.

Trail was about 3 miles, but felt much longer due to the shigginess factor.  It started out the back of the bar.  After the first check near the railroad tracks was solved, the pack headed across Mission Street to Grandview.  I think most of us figured they would go into the shiggy.  There was flour leading up to Arroyo Seco Canyon.  But a confusing back check sent the pack on a wild goose chase.  After searching in every conceivable direction, someone finally found flour that went through a condo complex.  At the dead end, we were supposed to climb over a small fence, go down an embankment into a tunnel that went under Mission Street.  There was a bum wine check for “liquid courage” before the entrance of the tunnel.  Sorry Dung Fu, Jewish grape juice doesn’t qualify as liquid courage.  We needed some hard liquor, like Jamison or Jim beam for that!  There was a lot of litter in the tunnel suggesting that it was probably inhabited by homeless people.  Luckily no one was home at the time we passed through.  No water or rats either.  We thought the worst was behind us, but we were wrong!  It was pretty dark by this time.  Flour lead us down the Mission Street extension for a few blocks, but entered the woods again through somewhat of a path on the right.  I’m sure this path would be hard enough to traverse in the daylight.  In the pitch dark, it was quite challenging.  I don’t know what was worse.  Mounds of PO, getting scraped up by picker bushes, snagged on barbed wire or the second tunnel!  This one was longer and darker, but everyone passed through unscathed.  We climbed up a nasty ass hill to a field that lead us out on Mission Street by the cow pasture across the street from the Wilder bike path.  Several hashers got confused by arrows on the road that were part of the Santa Cruz Triathlon the weekend before.  Trail headed straight down Shaffer Road, went left on the railroad tracks and through another shiggy section of Antonelli Pond.  Once we got to Delaware Street, there was yet another shiggy section through Natural Bridges.  Not sure how, but everyone survived and made it to beer check down the road on Delaware Street.  The Hares probably feared lynching, so they put out a delicious spread of cheese, fruit, veggies and bread from Whole Foods.  Ho to Housewife’s Virgins all survived.  Just Luke seemed to enjoy himself.  dBASED found Virgins Kate and Jackson on trail and escorted them to beer check.  We probably won’t see them again.

Religion was in the parking lot near the start.  They put up a fence next to the railroad tracks, so we couldn’t have Religion in the usual spot.  Accuprick was RA and Cock Throbbin’ was Beer Fairy.  First down downs went to backsliders, Accuprick, Courtesy Flush, Slownad, and Princess Di(arrhea) was stunt drinker for her sister Cumcerto.  Cumcerto apparently went home because she got lost.  Virgins Kate, Luke and Jackson all told lame jokes.  Welcome to the hash!  We’ll see if they ever show up again.  Thmp-Thmp and Hugh Heifer drank for getting lost on trail.  They blamed dBASED for making them go the wrong way.  dBASED drank for being an asshole.  He dropped his phone in the bar and some girl thought she was being nice and picked it up and gave it back to him.  She called him and asshole for not saying thank you!  Where are your manners?  Courtesy Flush was rewarded for his chivalry on trail.  He waited for everyone at the fence to make sure everyone got down through the tunnel.  Dogbreath drank because he complained someone else drank from his dog bowl.  Grow up!  LOL.  Giant Asexual and Just Schuyler drank for playing silly games on trail.  Thmp-Thmp celebrated his 150^th Surf City Hash!  Get a life!  Get a life!  And last but not least, the Hares……………………..   

On On,

Shallow Hole