Hash # 773 started at Beer Thirty, which was nice enough to open up their doors 30 minutes early for us hashers who couldn’t wait until noon to get their beer on.
First order of business as a usual hash is to pay the man, unless of course he forgets all about the money he owes you! Puff is getting pretty forgetful and forgot my hash cash from the week before. A very backwards situation here where the man who usually collects the money owes the ho money. I might need to get Puff a fancy pimp hat!
After getting a beer it was mingling time and I immediately stumbled upon a conversation where Summer’s Yeast was calling out her (first) husband, Stub Rub, for beastiality with their dog. Yes folks, you read that right! Stub Rub tried to convince us he was just giving the dog a bath and it just got too excited but we weren’t believing any of it. Notice the hand gesture he is using in the photo above to describe what happened. Twisted Fister was getting a little nervous the Virgins were going to be scared off by this conversation but after what we saw at religion from one of these virgins I’m not sure much would put them off. Even Thmp-Thmp tried to confuse them with Chalk Talk, but they stuck around!
After that conversation everyone was ready to circle up and head out on trail. We were promised shopping on trail, which I never found. I guess that’s not a bad thing since Puff forgot my money 🙂 You know there’s interest on that, right Puff?
One thing that all the hashers DID find was the shittily located YBF up a hill next to highway 1. All of us half-minds climbed the side of the hill and ducked under the cyclone fence only to be told “turn around suckers”, which we tried to quickly do before the PO PO spotted us on the side of the freeway. Drivers seemed to be locked into their destination of Black Friday shopping so we got very few honks and waves, despite our behavior.
Thankfully the hares kindly put the LC a short distance away from the YBF, so we quickly forgot about the YBF and swapped spit like it’s not the middle of cold and flu season. We were filled with Fireball, which we hypothesized would kill any germs. News guys, this didn’t work and I am now sick!
We eventually descended into the Safeway parking lot on Bay and started heading back towards out start location. There were a few of us that weren’t that familiar with the area as FRB’s; visitors Little Dick Arnold & Just Robbed and myself. We soon found ourselves an arrow pointing us what I believe was Hill St and so the three of us go dashing to the top, only to realize we are back on the original trail. We ran back down to Bay & mysteriously a HUGE true trail arrow has appeared where it wasn’t before, leading us to beer check. The hares won’t admit it but I’m sure they heard us coming & hid until we passed. Sneaky sneaky little hares!
Timmy!!! stood in as RA since Accu and Dung Fu were nowhere to be found and elected Arabian Goggler as his loyal beer fairy. Worm was quickly called out for being a racist & given a down-down with a less than enthusiastic song to go along. I’m not sure what was wrong with our vocal chords, but it seems they were all defunct after a day for binging and drinking the day before. Has so much gluttony consumed the other half of our minds? Quite possibly so!
We had a few visitors to pay dis-honor to as well. Just Robbed, the LAH3 GM, Litle Dick Arnold out of Can’d and Just John from Shenandoah.Valley. It had been like 25 years since Just John’s first hash, he struggled with the impending addiction for 25 years before finally giving in again
Next order of bid-ness was to get those virgins up in front of us. Just Foot Pussy made them both cum (nice one!), although Virgin Brian tried to convince us that he made himself cum! First we targeted Virgin Cody, who I’m pretty sure told a joke, or maybe it was a song? I can’t seem to get it straight since all I can remember is Virgin Brian’s introduction to us. He told us he was going to sign a song. Now, this is a song not everyone has heard but was easy to sing along to as the only lyrics were “Cowboy Butt Sex”, sang randomly as he performed drills of jumping jacks and push ups for us. I believe we got a joke, a song and a flash out of Virgin Brian. I later heard Thmp-Thmp tell him that if he gives us $24 we will name him now. I don’t think it would take very long to figure out this guy’s name 🙂
We had some honoring to do (if that’s what you call it). OccasionaL Rapist was awarded for her 175th hash and Timmy!!! for his 450th hash! Get a life guys! On the note of analversaries, I would like to make a correction to one of my earlier scribes. I mis-reported Pink Cherry Licker (liquor) as completing her 25th hash (which I should have known seemed incorrect), when she was truly celebrating her 25th consecutive hash. More of my errors are coming…
Timmy!!! Next called for crimes on trail for which I immediately tried to call out Little Dick Arnold for peeing on trail, which apparently isn’t a crime! My bad! As the pack starts to sing me “El Camino” for my down-down of stupidity, Just Foot Pussy loudly sings the words wrong and is invited to come drink a down-down with me 🙂
We finally named Just Cairra! If you remember, we tried to name her at a previous hash, but were too brain-dead to come up with anything and tabled it…. for several weeks. Alas, Just Cairra returned! She said something about not being able to cum for so long because of her job…. sounds like an unhealthy work environment girl! After a little interogation PCL took her away and we threw out some good names but it was quickly narrowed down to ‘Liquor Creek’ due to her job & living location and ‘project Cumway’ due to her liking to get it on down on the runway! The pack went with Project Cumway.
And the hares! Occasional Rapist and Cuff My Muff were taunted for trail being too bright, not enough shopping and hiding from the FRB’s but that didn’t stop them from gloating & looking at us like the pathetic group of complainers we are (photo proof above).
Once all matters were attended to, the pack went back to Beer Thirty for On On On were shit got political before moving the party to a fry-fest at Just Foot Pussy & Bacon Queef’s house.
On On,
Ho to Housewife