On-in,
I do not wish to alarm you but this trail upset my stomach to the point I will be on sabbatical next weekend in an effort to recover from a bout of PTSD-Post-Trail Syndrome Displeasure. In fact, just this morning, I booked a trip to beautiful Santa Barbara where I will spend next weekend.
However, prior to attempting to recover my health, I will discharge my duty as Scribe, one of the many things I intend to discharge soon, and recount the failure that was Trail 595 in hopes it shan’t be repeated again.
Things began pleasantly enough. We ensconced ourselves at The One-Double-Oh-Seven Club and began our efforts to deplete the bar. As is typical of late, the pack began small but grew to a respectable sixteen hounds and two lousy hares by on-out time. One-half of our hare-pair, My Little Bony, is on the downhill side of a seven day drunk. The only laudable action he performed tonight was to stumble to his nearby house and let his housemate’s girlfriend in. Personally, I wish he’d stayed the hell home but, miraculously, he found his way back to the Double-Oh. Banana Basher drank for two while the Bony one was away. Their Instructions of Trail were almost non-existent except for making the claim that a Beer Check existed. That’s all I ever want to hear from these two jokers anyway. They outed themselves into the alley between the Double-On and The Bicycle Trip leaving a hare arrow in their wake. These two appear to have a propensity for alleys.
Fifteen minutes later acting-GM TIMMY had the pack congeal on the Bicycle Trip’s test track and introductions for Hash 595 were performed.
The pack passed a second hare arrow on it’s way to circleup that pointed across Soquel Avenue and on-down Pennsylvania so we lazily skipped the hare arrow in the alley and, as we were to learn from a disgruntled dBASED, a check at the back of the building as well. More on that later.
The pack almost began trail with a tragedy. A car on Soquel was just barely able to stop in time to allow the herd to motivate across. Fast forward to a check at Pennsylvania and Broadway. This check was solved and moved the mass one block away on-left to the intersection of Broadway and Cayuga. This check was solved and the congregation crossed Broadway and one block later were directed to on-left onto Windsor Street and then to a check at the intersection with Seabright Avenue.
Showing a sad but typical lack of imagination, Banana chose an alleyway on-right just across Seabright on Windsor. This alley, the same one he used last month, dumped the drove onto Windham Street where a check was solved pointing the pod across Seabright (thanks for the pointless circle-jerk, hares) and one block later we found ourselves back on Cayuga. Needless to say, trail turned on-left onto Cayuga allowing us the extreme displeasure of visiting the five-way intersection of Cayuga, Clinton, Pine and Buena Vista streets. Eventually trail was located continuing on Cayuga to make the first on-right, Idaho Street, and then to on-left at the first available alley. There’s the alley-centered theme again. This alley popped the pride out on Logan Street where we were directed to turn on-right to Buena Vista where marker made the merry members of this madness maneuver on-right onto Buena Vista and then take the locals-only pathway on-left to the end of Branciforte Avenue. The herd began lowing as they began to sniff Beer Check in Oceanview Park. Once trail turned on-up into the park, the race was on. Sure enough, the BN was viewed and the hares were found slurping away on Beer Check beer in the park. Not long after the pack’s arrival, Pearl Necklace and Pussy Galore came walking in. There may have been a phone call allowing them to know where Beer Check was. Soon after them, dBASED came toddling in. Poor dBASED had parked on a side street and the first thing he saw was the check behind the Double-Oh…the one the pack had skipped! It was therefore unmarked and took dBASED forever to solve it. Soon after dBASED began swilling, Just Petra pedaled up on her bike. Talk about ‘fashionably late’. Well, that’s NOT Petra.
On-in, which was almost as long as trail and more exciting as well, was to Puff’s where Religion was held. Once there, Pearl Necklace was made Religious Adviser and he promptly appointed Accuprick as his Beer Fairy. Here’s an abbreviated list of the OTHER errors Pearl made: Broke Bench Mountain was called up for interrupting the RA (Never do that!); those that brought their dogs, Broke Bench and Occasional Rapist, were awarded doggie down-downs; Mary was congratulated on (finally) attending her second hash; Last Call Norm, Pearl, Brian and Petra were punished as backsliders; dBASED was heckled as DFL; Choka-cola did a stand-in for (current) consort Hairy Potter who attended some useless meeting rather than hashing; Hairy Potter who DID show up after Choka’s down-down then received his own; Hugh, PG and Pearl for auto-hashing; TIMMY for trying to convince us his doctor told him to cure his low blood pressure by eating more fired food and drinking more beer; PG again for singing a down-down song that had already been used and Norm for saying, “These spinning songs are getting difficult to do!” For some reason unknown to me, the hares were brought up as well. Having known Banana Basher for over a dozen years, I now know how his epitaph should read: Here lies the most unnecessary person ever born. And as for the Bony one, every time he’s the hare, I feel Hash Cash should not only ask you for eight bucks but I should also inquire as to whether or not you’re a registered organ donor and request a brief synopsis of your feelings about the ethics of life support.
By Special Appointment of His Royal Majesty “G”, this Hash Trash has been compiled and printed by permission of no one other than the author at Santa Cruz, Ca., or elsewhere if need be, on this, the eleventh day of August in the year of our Hash two-thousand eleven.
On-out,
Puff the Magic Drag Queen