Greetings,
Above is a picture of this week’s hare just prior to on-out. Well, not an ACTUAL picture but more a comical pictorial representation. More accurately, this is how the pack would envision him by the time Beer Check was reached.
How did we arrive at such a dastardly opinion of old man TIMMY you may ask? (Though I seriously doubt you care) I was afraid you may though so I have prepared a brief recap of Hash 597 for your perusal. Let’s get to it, the quicker we’re done here the sooner I can leave for the nearest bar and you can return to more important tasks as well.
Things began pleasantly enough. We assembled our traveling kennel at old favorite Bocci’s Cellar. We also had the pleasure of enjoying an extremely rare event:three (count ’em, THREE) Virgins: Jill, Ted and Weston. Also, we had a transplant from the Corvallis, Oregon hash, Golden Dripster. We were graced with a rare guest appearance by Pixilated Obscenity though she refused to hash after hearing who the hare was. Inseparable buddies Just Chad and Dan slithered in for their monthly visit as well. Even rarer, Moose Knuckle made his annual visit to Surf City. The Knuckle now resides in Taiwan and claims to have conquered Yushan peak (12966 feet) on his mountain bike. Be aware though the Knuckle had been drinking prior to making this assertion. This sets the stage for Hash 597. Oh, yeah. Our hare. TIMMY kindly stepped up on a weeks notice to assume the reins of haredom as no one had signed up as of Hash 596. As an addendum to TIMMY’s kindness, it is a well-known fact Hare Raiser Banana Basher will not allow TIMMY to hare under any other conditions than extreme distress.
The herd migrated to Encinal Street, circled-up around a check and made introductions. This check took longer to solve than it should have and I of course blame this on the poor trail-laying abilities of our hare. A long false on-left on the accursed railroad tracks was an obvious pre-lay. True trail was eventually located on Encinal crossing the tracks and making an on-left onto Sylvania Avenue. Partway down the block trail turned on-left into the Costco parking lot. Except for Hugh Heifer and Hairy Fuck 2.5 that is. They continued on Sylvania in an obvious attempt to shortcut.
Trail continued through the Costco lot and then made an on-right onto Coral Street and came to a check at the intersection with Evergreen Street. The check was solved and trail veered on-left onto the pedestrian path leading on-up to High Street where another check would be encountered. Banana Basher and Vince Lamblowme had become intentional DFL’s. The check at High Street was the pivotal mark on this trail. Once the direction was chosen here, the die was cast; it would either be a circle-back via River Street or Wagner Grove. Once Banana and Vince saw the mongrel horde make an on-right on-up High Street, they gave up pursuit of the hare and undertook a pursuit of Beer Check only by heading through Harvey West Park in an attempt to intercept the hare.
Meanwhile, back with the REAL hashers….. The litter motivated on-up High Street and barked loudly when passing old kennel mate Sheep Rocker’s abode. The barking turned to whining though when the back check mark was encountered. Backtracking, trail was located on-up the incredibly steep Highland Avenue. Mercifully, there is a locals-only path that cut off the steepest portion of Highland but it did not make me dislike our hare any less. Trail continued along Highland and made the required on-right onto Sheldon Avenue, on-right onto Meadow Road and then on-down into the now-dark depths of Wagner Grove. As if things had not gone badly enough for the pack, now it was the hare’s turn to stumble. Part way on-down through the grove of redwoods is a small bridge over a large ditch. Written on the bridge was ‘TN’, tequila near. However, the bag was empty, the pack having been ripped-off by a passing mortal. Worse yet, this was the location of TIMMY’s flour stash as well. That too had been absconded with. So here was the pack without it’s bracing shot of tequila and the hare without flour; an obvious formula for disaster.
After giving up on finding trail, with the exception of Moose Knuckle who persevered in the face of this adversity, the dejected horde of hounds proceeded through Wagner Grove and headed on-left upon reaching Harvey West Park and eventually intercepted trail near the corner of the park. From there it was a short jaunt down DuBois Street to Beer Check held in the parking lot for the Ale Works Brewery. After the arrival of DFL’s Occasional Rapist and Shallow Hole, on-in was undertaken to the end of Pioneer Street farthest from the railroad tracks as the Thursday rave was taking place in our old Religion site.
Vince was elected Religious Adviser and he appointed Occasional Rapist as his Beer Fairy. Here is a partial list of the OTHER mistakes Vince made: TIMMY was asked to describe retirement, he just smiled; Golden Dripster explained the origin of her name; Shallow Hole was congratulated on the completion of her 25th hash with Surf City and Moose Knuckle was punished as an (extreme) backslider. And this signals an end to Hash 597. On-on-on was back at Bocci’s where…oops! The hare. I forgot the hare, how could I forget the damn hare? After this latest exhibition of idiocy from TIMMY, I have come to believe TIMMY thinks his only fault is his perfection. As hashing is a fool’s errand, this makes TIMMY the perfect hare because what a hare must do is try to out-stupid the hounds. TIMMY is the perfect candidate I dare say.
As I was saying before interrupting myself, on-on-on was back at Bocci’s where those that had not had their appetite destroyed by TIMMY partook of a meal while the rest of us drown our sorrows in the bar and listening to the band.
As of this posting, Hash 598 will start from the Castaways on Portola Drive. Occasional Rapist and Shallow Hole will try and lay trail for us again. I hope they learned something from that watery grave they tossed us into at the Yacht Harbor a while back. I plan on attending this hash nonetheless, please join me in this important endeavor.
By Special Appointment of His Royal Majesty “G”, this Hash Trash has been compiled and printed by permission of no one other than the author at Santa Cruz, CA., or elsewhere if need be, on this, the twenty-fifth day of September in the year of our Hash two-thousand eleven.
On-out,
Puff the Magic Drag Queen