We were warned people………you should know by now any trail hared by Dung Fu at his personal sadistic playground called “UCSC” is going to be brutal. Last year we endured the Himalayan Ski Slope of Rocks in the dark. Why should this year be different?
And yet the masochists showed up en mass at an over packed parking lot with Pinky impersonating a traffic cop. She was forcefully blowing her whistle and violently pointing and waving in order to prevent rouge non hasher cars from taking precious parking spaces.
I thought those poor student drivers were going to 5150 her but they merely scuttled away like forlorn cockroaches.
Finally we got most of the group together, except for Deadliest Snatch and Rat Pussy who can’t read a compass or directions. We were told to “GO WEST” but apparently dyslexia set in and they went EAST! They also do not know how to use a cell phone and call for help.
It’s a shame they missed the torture session.
Trail seemed easy enough for the first 36 seconds………….then we began our ascent….that non stop vertical climb meant to test our steely determination, our grit, our muscle and our mental toughness. We trudged on and up………fighting off weariness and ticks. Thump Thump is oblivious to the pain as he proudly sashays his hips and does the classic power walk strut complete with tight arm movements. Steamy’s tight calves proves that he too can hang. Some runners whizzed by and where never to be seen again…..until Beer Check of course.
For a brief moment we descended and thought we would have a respite……..but hell no.
It gets worse……now we have to navigate the creek/river/rocks/mud/with vertical aerobatic maneuvers that should have only been attempted by authentic climbers with ropes, helmets, and other nifty gadgets.
Up and over downed redwoods caused some serious ball chaffing for some. Good thing I just completed my CPR and First Aid training last week. I was privileged to squeeze some balls back to life and they lit up like fireworks.
Just Foot Pussy and Bacon Queef were incredibly helpful for once in their lives and made sure I didn’t kill myself on trail.
For that I am eternally grateful and will leave something for them in my will……..most likely they will get my prized flashlight collection, plus some useful solar panels, a goal zero generator, a pallet of toilet paper, a bottle of Jack, all my sex toys and my magic wand for good measure.
But I digress and we still have that dark,dank, smelly, slippery cave to talk about. And I don’t mean *&^%^’s V JAY JAY!
We supposedly entered the famous LOST BOYS cave. I really think the cave was a sea cave that has now been closed and was located here:Cliffs, Marineland of the Pacific – 6610 Palos Verdes Drive South, Rancho Palos Verdes, California, USA
(Vampire cave entrance.)
But who am I to argue with Hippy Chick and Just Foot Pussy about Santa Cruz lore??
Most of the bedraggled hashers climbed down that slippery ladder for Beer Check and songs, myself included. I even climbed back up the ladder with a beer in one hand!
And then onto Religion….but once again some of us couldn’t seem to find the way home.
This is becoming a theme, a pattern, a recurring nightmare.
Darkness had descended and despite large wooden arrows place by Ms Bacon Q most simply followed their noses and the trail of pee back to the WEST parking lot.
Oh and before I forget…there was this terrible wire fence that created a challenge for some vertically depraved souls. Thankfully we had chivalry on trail and several gallant men offered to assist with the crossing.
CumFartZone became impaled and almost needed metal tools and a rescue squad to disengage her naughty bits from the fence. Alas Vag Repair Kit was hunkered down in the warmth and safety of his den of iniquity still nursing his rash – Supposedly allergic to sulfa antibiotics…but we all know better!
On to Religion and down downs………mostly for backsliders and claustrophobic whiners. We also had a costume contest…some wankers just wore a boring star wars t-shirt, others were confused and wore a STAR TREK t-shirt (wrong movie -and another one who can’t read), one gal came in some inappropriate harem costume that rivaled I Dream of Jeannie and another, Cum something or other, wore the ever fashionable hair buns. And of course Dung Fu sported the requisite light sabers!
I can’t remember the rest as I was shivering too much from that cold,wet creek debacle….and was thinking only of slipping out of my already slippery shoes, peeling off those gross knee socks, slithering out of my poison oak and tick infested clothing and spending the next hour in a hot shower.
So happy trails,
On On
CumFartZone
PS – there is a video footage montage of this trail created by Just Foot Pussy on the SCH3 facebook page. It is up for an academy award so go check it out.