The season of gluttony is upon us and in us…..as quite a large number of wankers showed up to the day after thanksgiving hash which began at wickeds with bulging bellies and an insatiable thirst for copious amounts of hot red liquid, followed by cool yellow liquid, chocolate cake shots and some even braved the gallon jug of fireball despite the recent cartoon with a naughty elf.
Some people never learn.
The trail announcement was for 11 am…but in reality that was just the call to continue drinking…..cause trail started about 90 minutes past 11….but who’s counting. Something about Bakers forgetting his flour (I kid you not) and a chalk snafu between PCL and Fap??
The hares
Nevertheless,it was a glorious day meandering along the beaches and the lagoons casually admiring wandering egrets, coots and boobs.
In fact there was so much meandering going on that all of us missed the Liquor Check that Bakers Doesn’t lovingly set out accompanied by a cheap CD player and crappy speakers so that he could blast his favorite song “Bakers Street” by Gerry Rafferty while standing on Bakers Street in Santa Cruz imbibing booze, wishing he was far far away from Santa Cruz so he would not have to face the humiliation of the pack at religion.
Virgin Education 101
For those who missed it…..and that means everyone – here are some of the lyrics to lull you back to your senses.
Baker Street lyrics…..you can hum along….
Winding your way down on Baker Street Lite in your head, and dead on your feet Well another crazy day, you drink the night away And forget about everything This city desert makes you feel so cold Its got so many people but its got no soul And it’s taken you so long to find out you were wrong When you thought it held everything. You used to think that it was so easy You used to say that it was so easy But you’re tryin, you’re tryin now Another year and then you’d be happy Just one more year and then you’d be happy But you’re cryin’, you’re cryin’ now Way down the street there’s a light in his place You open the door, he’s got that look on his face And he asks you where you’ve been, you tell him who you’ve seen And you talk about anything He’s got… blah blah blah………….enough already……turn off the boombox!
What are these idiots up to?
OK back to our regularly scheduled program.
It has been brought to my attention that ONE person in fact did find the LIQUOR CHECK…..but she failed to alert the rest of the pack…she simply stood there with her booze, singing along to a sad song…………while the rest of us had to trudge through miles of boring scenery. That person is DOH. Go figure.
Speaking of losers….thmp thmp thought is was appropriate to auto hash with his side kick 69. Hmmm, what were they really doing in that truck?
A bunch of wankers on a beach
Beer check redemption was at 37 th street……not baker street. Where we cried in our beer, watched the surfers and let the dogs run wild.
Religion was held back at Wicked’s campfire with Accu and Dung Fu taking turns roasting weenies and crushing egos.
Our Liquor Check Queen Doh got no patch for 175 runs.
Slacker PCL got no patch for 200 runs.
Ho was our FRB, whining that she had to wait a full TEN MINUTES ALONE at beer check.
The gracious host
We had visitors….Grassy Ass, the painfully shy one from San Diego and other wordly brothels….plus a delightful just married ( 2.29.16) Tiny bitch penguin load couple from Colorado and the devilish red head Ska Skank from San Fran. Boy she gets around!
We had another female virgin called Nicole….we missed last weeks virgin wendy….yes, you were missed….only because you promised us tickets to the Santa Cruz Warriors. We must come up with a fitting punishment for ya.
Next week we start at Sir Froggy’s and we bring toys for tots….although they really want some toys for teens.
Our hares dBased and Jizziki took us on another Capitola Trail seeking to redeem itself from the worst trail of the year award. It appears that Trail # 884 may have already exceeded anyone and everyone’s expectations and is already in the running for an Academy Award for most outstanding, scenic trail of the century.
All of this thanks to the Super Moon, and I am not talking about Hangs Loose’s behind.
Fap is already not feeling this trail
We gathered at It’s Wine Tyme in Capitola once again for a few tasty draft beers and a hearty glass of Zin. I’m thankful they put up with us, cause I don’t think my neighbors were too thrilled with our repeat debauchery around my pool……but I digress…….
Back to the start…..which appeared to lead us up those miserable stinking stairs that some idiots use as their gym. Really are they too good to use a treadmill? Whatever! We got a big fat empty circle for our efforts. Yep, nothing, nada, zip….a big backcheck.
Just a bunch of wankers
But do not despair as we headed off enthusiastically towards Capitola Beach. All the true trail arrows pointed to the left….which is usually covered in water. Really cold water. Really big waves and really cold water crashing up against the crumbling cliff. There is no walkway, no path, no road………just the big bad Pacific Ocean up ahead………so how where we going to cross the Monterey Bay?
Our clever hares pulled a fast one out of their asses…….did a few mathematical calculations and equations and with the proper quotients surmised that the waning Super Moon would produce a MINUS TIDE….such that the usually impassable route from Capitola to New Brighton Beach would be accessible…..for a short window of time for those quick and nimble bodied hounds scanning the distance with their shining headlamps.
The four legged dogs frolicked in the tide pools, leaving steamy droppings along the way, marking our path in case we needed to make a hasty U Turn to beat the rising tide.
Everyone smiling because trail is over!
Once the pack reached New Brighton Beach a choice was necessary to continue as an Eagle or a Turkey. Some of us turkeys wandered through the parking lot, which has been closed due to a rather large and foreboding sinkhole. Nevertheless these wankers cut through the CAUTION tape and proceeded to claw their way up a steep hillside to escape the sink hole monster.
Once up at Park Av we wandered aimlessly through a sleepy neighborhood only to be redirected back across Park Av and onto the railroad tracks.
Some lost and grumbling souls found their way to Beer Check just in time.
For some reason we seemed to be missing a huge contingency…..and it turns out those jokers decided to go straight to religion….or as Accuprinck, the YBF guy, declared…he didn’t need no stinking BN….He was heading to the real trough of beer – the mother lode!
Beer!
Once at religion – the site of the infamous naked pool party a while back – the gang annoyed the neighbors with their antics, booming voices and off color jokes. Well, what else is new.
Crimes of trail….well it turns out that Accuprick and his prison gang did not complete the trail…so they were all called up for a Down Down….too many losers for me to individually acknowledge but you know who you are…..PCL, Finger Nips, Bacon Q, etc!!
Too make things interesting we were graced with 2 virgins….both “friends” with Just Foot Pussy. I thought he had reached his quota of friends so he picked these 2 up at the truck stop. During our usual embarrassing virgin spectacle we were thankfully graced by viewing some lovely silicone mountains by virgin wendy, we also had to endure a lame joke about cherry floats thanks to virgin chuck. Way to go Chuckie. The already unruly crowd was not too happy and turned up the volume. Finger Nips especially loves to chit chat while the RA is frantically trying to quell the crowd. Dung Fu up on the chair is so imposing. I think we need to get him a megaphone.
And the hares!
Accuprink once again was called up completing a measly 225 runs…….and got NO stinking patch. Geesh, what is our club money going for when you can’t get the dude a patch??!!
HangsLoose was reminded that he won the Biggest Wanker award and thus had to take his down down from the squirting penis. He was not thrilled…seems he has no experience with the “bi” thing.
He also missed AGM because his DOG was not allowed inside a public food serving venue. IMAGINE THAT!! Note to self…..get the dog a service dog certification and VOILA….instant access everywhere. Now no more excuses for missing the MOST IMPORTANT EVENT OF THE SURF CITY HASH YEAR. (We still love ya Hangs)
PCL was ecstatic the whole evening as she keep yelling, “I’m FRB, I’m FRB”. Well good for you missy……..we think she missed the whole trail and simply went straight to religion. Hmm, would that be called cheating? Perhaps the hard wood punishment ruler is in order. I heard it stings. She gloats when she uses it on her students. Maybe a taste of her own medicine….
Moving On……some of us went to ON ON ON at the Brit. John Michael crooned us with some Sinatra tunes and Nips redeemed herself by dancing and singing along. What a lively group we are! Check&Dong reminded us to check out the South Lake Tahoe Hash events. Who wants snow and mushrooms??
Well that’s all from Lake Woo be gone, aka Capitola………till next time……….and a thousand BN’s to you my friends.
The title says it all. Damn TIMMY had us going all over the damn place! dBased clocked 6.6 miles to beer check, we started at the Parish and got lost right off the bat, went over the railroad tracks, wandered the circles, got to Bay, went up and over and continued up the hill for what seemed like FOREVER.
Already pissed and trail hasn’t even started
We went by some park I had never been to that was pretty where LC was. Then when I thought it would be a quick trail back to TIMMYS he continued to run us around down the bike path by western where we finally got to beer check in the pitch dark. We then went over to his house to hate on him some more. Religion then started and that was a whole other show. Wicked got a down down for singing out of line. We chastised those who did not do trail (lucky bastards).
Skipping to the end of trail, everyone is happy its over!
We then bothered the visitors and virgins. Mr Wiggly brought some german visitors Just Han and Just Alex (I behaved myself for all of you who are wondering). They sang some sort of drinking song in German. Mrs Timmy came out and got a down down for marrying TIMMY because we were all mad at him in that moment. Banana Basher fucked up and sang a song that was already sung and drank for that. TIMMY littered a flour bag, that bastard. Just Mishi brought a virgin Paul who looked terrified and was offering to sing a song and asked if “anyone have any requests?” and Occasional said she liked the song “Where you take your pants off”
Fuck that guy
He sang something it was weird. Then we heard the very sad story from Hangs Loose who hit on a chick at the watering hole (his first foreplay in 12 years he says…yikes) and he asked Accuprick “How old do you think she was?” and Accu said “I wasn’t there ya dumb fuck”. dBased got in trouble for marking trail in front of his ex-wives house. Accu and many late comers got down downs and finally we could give TIMMY shit about being old and laying shitty trail. Man was I glad to go home after that ordeal!
We were promised “never before seen trail” on this one! No idea if Little Anal Annie and Butt Balls kept their promise honestly, not sure I care either I was just happy for that trail to be over!
Hares and Dogs
We started over at Harvey West Park, the dogs were a tad out of control as was our inability to hide our drinking around all the children going by but we made it! We set off through Harvey West upwards through the woods. Hangs Loose said “I hate fucking stairs!” and TCnA responded with “You’re not supposed to fuck them!” so hopefully Hangs Loose sorted that out and learned what stairs are supposed to be used for.
This photo screams “Is it over yet?”
We went through neighborhoods that I personally felt uncomfortable in due to the amount of money dripping from them but luckily we made it down by campus, got a bit lost around faculty housing and finally around to a nice dark place for beer check but not before losing dBased entirely. At religion which was back at start Dung-fu started doling out the down downs. dBASED was awarded a punitive down-down for yelling ‘Back Check’ at the Beer Near mark.
Beer Check!
Hare-pair Butt Balls and Little Anal Annie were chided for using false trail and back checks marks in a haphazard manner confusing what was, intelligence-wise, already a substandard pack. Accuprick was chided for comparing this trail to ones laid by Silicon Valley H3’s infamous Gunga Dick. Even saying Gunga Dick lays a trail at ALL is an insult to our hares. Vaginal Repair Kit attempted to justify running off and leaving his four-legged friend, Two Buck Fuck.
The smooth sounds of Dung Fu grip singing you a down down song
No one bought his pathetic excuse and a down-down was awarded. One analversary this week and it went to our Religious Adviser, Dung-Fu Grip. Dung-Fu has completed 175 hashes with us and almost all of them in the FRB position. That alone is worth a down-down. And the hares…Butt Balls and Little Anal Annie. We now know how they found a place we’d never been before: It was both torturous and dangerous to get there!
This weeks trail found us with CumFart Zone and her partner-in-slime, Jizziki, who readily admitted they pre-laid this trail. It started out of wine time and made its awful way from there.
This hare pair needs to go back to hare school!
It was so horrendous Vaginal Repair Kit refused to participate no matter WHAT CumFart Zone promised him in return. So, after pre-lay was completed, our horrible hare-pair decided more flour was in order so they push-started Jizziki’s sled and casually and haphazardly tossed flour willy-nilly from his car, all the while sipping on a beer. The only cop that spotted them decided he simply MUST be hallucinating and called his replacement in early so he could go to the doctor.
Despite a shitty trail, the after party seemed pretty legit
And by the time the hounds found this trail, well, this trail made my brain and stomach consider terminating diplomatic relations.
Religion was back at Cumfart’s complex and down downs went to the pool swimmers Pink Cherry Licker, Genital Tongs, Dog Breath, Courtesy Flush and Dung-Fu Grip. Six of Nine was punished for not placing so much as one lousy paw on trail this evening. Analversaries: Thmp-Thmp has 250 hashes with us and CumFart Zone has reached the magic number of 69. If ONE hare drinks, they ALL drink, hence Jizziki’s attendance beside CumFart Zone. Then a down-down for co-hares Jizziki and CumFart Zone for laying NINE consecutive Beer Near marks before delivering on that promise, they were the worst!
