My first hash back after running around France and it sure was shitty!
Making sure to take the class of Severino’s down a few pegs as hashers start to take over the patio
Got things started off at Severino’s where the average age is 85 I would argue as I passed the lady with the eye patch and oxygen tank on the way to the bathroom. After taking the classyness of the joint down a couple notches we got things started. Our hares Accuprick, Little Anal Annie and Butt Balls were our hares. We went up to Soquel and crossed the road and got confused a bunch before finding trail leading us up to a trail into Nisene Marks.
Beer Check in the woods!
We wandered around in the woods a bit but trail was short and sweet like this trash (my favorite) and we found beer check in a nice open area down below. PCL was running around marking people with chalky handprints and Dung fu was feeling cocky with his water gun. We left beer check and headed out and back in the direction of Severino’s to have Religion in the parking lot of the offices next door. Dung fu was our religious advisor and threatened people with his cock (scary stuff!). Vaginal Repair Kit was first up for blood on trail!
And the Hares
We had a couple of backsliders including myself (my bad). Broke Bench and Cumz out my Nose autohashed (lazy bastards!). There was an AWFUL singing of a new pirate song, the lyrics were wrong and it was bad, going to have to have a re-do on that and Courtesy Flush who printed them out was given a down down for the awful typos and trusting the internet. And of course, the hares got what they deserved! On on on was at Burger and things I am sure got out of hand there as well.
The trash for 874 and 875 are going to be a mix of bold-faced lies and straight up plagiarizing from Puff’s Hash Flash emails since the scribes decided to skip the thursday bullshit and I thought Courtesy Flush was worth putting trust in (my bad!)
That said:
Start at Moe’s Alley
We’ve survived an attack by three horrible hares. Lots of uphill, lots of poison oak, a cemetery and a beertendress that couldn’t wait to get the hell rid of us. None of these characteristics are indicative of a good trail. A trail employing a trio of hares, especially ones of such low quality, exhibit an innate tendency towards a high degree of entropy. Curse them and their progeny.
It appears the start was at Moe’s Alley and trail went through a variety of golf course like areas and forest, all of it looked like bullshit from the photos. Beer check was by Harbor High School and religion was led by Accuprick and Milkacockus was beer fairy.
Trying to escape the hell that is trail!
Courtesy Flush, Pink Cherry Licker and Broke Bench Mountain were punished for missing trail. That explains why Courtesy couldn’t fill in as scribe as he said he would! Hangs loose got a down down for his pansy ass fear of PO. Zion got his official name of Junk Puncher and his parents got a down down for that as well. Our hares found some nice alliteration with Slonad, Stubrub and Steamy Baaanorhea and we hope they don’t find each other again.
And the hares!
We set another milestone on Flickr the past week. Viewings of our Flash have passed the two-and-a-half-MILLION mark. you’re an international laughing stock.
Turkey? Eagle? This week it didn’t matter, they were both too long and too shitty! I clocked turkey in at 4.93 miles and I believe eagle was a mile or so longer than that. Dung fu grip our hare did promise to get some miles in and he did just that. We started things off at the crepe place where the usual suspects came in to booze up before trail.
Oh sorry did you want to get through?
We hit trail and immediately Zion decided pissing in the middle of the road while crossing over to Charlie Hong Kong’s was okay, that one still needs some training! We lost Courtesy Flush almost immediately at the promise of food in the form of gyros (a Mediterranean burrito basically). Trail led this way and that, PCL put in a rogue boob check on the overpass when we saw the group trailing us was all guys.
The usual shenanigans. We made our way up and through the golf course a through a bit of PO shiggy.
Ho to Housewife was kind enough to share some insight on the eagle adventures (which sounds like a total shit show) and sent me this blurb: “so eagle trail…. we thought the Eagles were only ourselves, cock throbbed, fucked over, dog breath and dbased but turns out today is Monday, yellow prickly load & Puff were also on trail….somewhere…. there was a shit load of PO, we saw a bat in the bat cave, we went to the top of the world where there were stoners rolling joints, we didn’t see a check until mile 6…. which was just fine to let us just go and run….
Eagles!
Dung fu left us a flashlight before going into the woods (we didn’t know there were people behind us so we took it)… fucking chivalry on trail, I flashed my total and fucked over flashed his ass at the hwy 1 over crossing on Morrissey. If this doesn’t make sense it’s because me and shallow, cock throbbin, Cum pumper and Waxi pad have been wine tasting since noon.”
At the bum wine check where a second turkey eagle split awaited us many eagles said fuck that and went turkey with the rest of us. Courtesy made an appearance and Bareback needed an explanation as to why he didn’t not bring her any food, and he proceeded to make an elaborate story about how he was abducted by aliens and anal probing and he dropped the gyro when he was being taken up to the ship or some shit. We went on from there through some forest and back onto the road where we crossed over the freeway at Morrissey. Something confusing happened when it felt like Dung-fu hare snared us by running up behind us after dBased and TIMMY!! passed…but trail was already laid ahead of us…still unclear about what happened there but it happened!
Seeing Princess Carry Accu’s doppelganger through the neighborhood was awesome
We eventually made our way to dung-fu’s house for beer check and then finally puff’s for religion, granted it seems puff was on eagle so long he missed beer check and we got back to his place before he did! The same for Yellow Prick Load and Today is Monday who showed up only to religion (major DFL’s!) so they got the first down downs. Accuprick was our RA and Just Emily was beer fairy. Pearl Necklace, the virgins and Justs, and My little bony didn’t run either trail it seems and short cut like crazy so they got down downs for their bad behavior. Ho to Housewife and I got down downs for being animal people, she for saving skunk babies and me because someone asked if Just Ziggy (Fucked-Over Fest’s dog) was a male or female so I just flipped the dog over while it was laying down to check (male in case anyone gives a shit). Dung-fu got a down down with Timmy and dBased for the strange snaring event. Then we had Virgins!
Lots of backsliding and new faces tonight!
Virgin Shay was made to cum by Just Emily and she tried to bring Boney into things and he had the proper response of “Just shut up and show your tits!” which she ignored at first by going on a long-winded story about losing her hash virginity and how it never goes right the first time like over sorts of virginity-losing events. She did eventually show her tits so that was nice and Virgin Al who was also brought by Just Emily then came up and PCL said “You don’t have to tell a long winded story if you just want to show your tits” so she listened and went straight to the good stuff, yay tits! Cumfart Zone then came up and asked if anyone lost a ball while pulling a golf ball out of her cleavage. So we sang her the “why was she born so beautiful” blah blah song and ended it with “she’s no fucking use to anyone she’s only got one ball” so that was some solid improv. Everyone was then somehow shocked TIMMY hasn’t managed to bust his metal martini glass. Accu lost his whistle but Dung fu found it and it served as a reminder to those who don’t bring a whistle that they should, so wankers sans whistles had to drink. Dog Breath just wanted to drink so he called out himself for backsliding and Bony got a down down as well for that.
Our crazy hare Dung-fu
Dung fu our hare and Just Mars had to go up and drink because she said she was a fucking frb and “won the hash”, I believe she also gave us some tit action so the Justs and Virgins were a pretty obliging bunch this hash! Announcements that so far nobody has purchased wharf to barf rego except grassy-ass. Looks like its going to be lonely at this point…so buy those! Enjoy this last trash for a while from me wankers, see you in a few months!
This years red dress started at Callahan’s which gave us more room for shenanigans! Hashers started rolling up around 1 to get going on the amazing bloody mary’s filled with everything including slim jims and bacon!
Laverne from WomenCARE
Laverne from WomenCARE our awesome charity came to the start to talk to and thank all of us, we are so proud to help support such a wonderful charity while also being drunk and running around in red dresses, talk about a win-win-win-win situation! And we raised $1647 this year! That’s an impressive number! Trans-cunt-n-anal and I took an uber over to Callahan’s, and our uber driver gave us $10 to donate to WomenCARE! People are good.
Even poon doggy was dressed to impress in red!
When we finally got around to hitting trail the walkers were quickly taken to the jury room for a round where we got some donations and talked to some nice regulars. From there we made our way up ocean and USO-O-O almost ate shit along the way, I think she is new to the whole “walking” thing. At pearl necklace’s house we had another beer check. My goodness the hares kept us good and loaded! Which was quickly shown when we made it to liquor check nearby on Riverside and Tits n games’ virgin proceeded to throw up. After liquor check we happened to pass by a bus at a bus stop and the driver invited us to hop on! But we decided to continue stumbling to the next beer stop.
The symbol “BN” tends to get the pack moving a little faster!
Courtesy also decided to show up around then wearing a sexy pair of red heels, truly putting some miles in someone else’s shoes (I mean, maybe they are his, no judgment). It was also apparently important to take note that Butters (Hangs loose’s golden) decided to take a shit in downtown, she clearly missed the signs by the San Lorenzo that said “no dumping”. We meandered our way through downtown and up to Rosie’s where we took over the place with song, sharing with poor muggles the hasher’s weekly schedule and for once it was true that for SCH3 Saturday was the hashing day! We then made our way to the Rush Inn to throw our money at them before heading back to Callahan’s drunk and hungry.
Broke Bench gets the star treatment at the Rush Inn!
We all ate some tasty food, mac n’ cheese, pulled pork sliders and whatnot to soak up our day of drinking. Then we had religion in the back room. Dung-fu and Accuprick co-RA’d, although Accuprick was disguised as the most interesting man in the world. We started with crimes on trail, Accu called out Hangs Loose for Butters shitting on trail and him not having a bag! Boo! I have written in my notes “TCA talked got a down down” I was a bad scribe and was clearly too inebriated to take notes, but I think he called out Accu on his doppelganger. We then got around to Virgins! Tits n games virgin passed out…whoops, he couldn’t hang with the big dogs!
Lookin’ good Eagles!
Then things mellowed out as we remembered Last Call Norm through a moving speech by Virgin Emily. Norm was like a second mom to her and she wanted to spend the day with the hashers that Norm was so fond of and that were so fond of her. I didn’t know Norm but it sounds like she was a wonderful person and the fact that we do Red Dress to raise money for WomenCARE is a beautiful tribute to her.
Virgin Valerie also came for Norm and she showed us the moon (her moon).
More tails from the trail, There was blood on trail because Courtesy was having trouble walking the walk in his heels. Our many awesome visitors: 96 Super Hole and Shercock Holmes from Fresno, Paki Sack and Dammit Janit (SAC H3), Beasty Ality and Bullshit Whistle (who the fuck knows, not me), and Randi Bambi (CAN’d) got down downs for mixing with the wrong crowd.
We had a late arrival Virgin Chris, Virgin Valerie’s lesser half and were also joined by a random dude from the other side of the bar who just saw the good time we were having (and maybe was just a crazy local drunk…like the rest of us) and decided to join in. USOOO got on stage and made an announcement asking simply for a lot of dick and I say give the girl what she wants! Accuprick got accused of backsliding but who cares?
Last and definitely least were our hares! Twisted handled the walker trail (really
Our Hares
lacking in beer checks if you ask me, we only hit like what 5 places?) New Kids on my Cock laid turkey, and Shallow Hole and Cum Pumper handled eagle. Pearl Necklace took charge of the closing ceremonies with a lovely and emotional tribute to Norm and WomenCARE. The wanker crew continued drinking, some went over to PCL and Fap’s for fun and games and the hash went in peace!
The hash this week fell perfectly on a holiday white people love to culturally appropriate by drinking margaritas!
Margaritas!
Our hares Hugh Heifer and Ho to Housewife (quite the alliteration there!) started us out at Tampico which is unfortunately on its death bed and scheduled to close this month. Quite the pack showed up for this particular hash and plenty of tequila was imbibed. As I was waiting for my drink I was standing at the bar next to Wicked Retahted. He was rather inebriated and told me to come closer so he could whisper in my ear “You’re the prettiest girl in the hash….except for me!” and proceeded to do one of his giggle and hair flips that I know you can all picture right now. It was amazing.
“Caution: Slippery When Wet”
The pack got going and we were first led down towards the wharf, we hit a pretty solid YBF on second street and then carried on up west cliff and through the neighborhoods. Except for Cumfart Zone, Vaginal Repair Kit, Bacon Queef, Occasional Rapist and Tits n game who decided to short cut straight to beer check! Those of us who didn’t skip out went through the neighborhoods and were led through lighthouse park (we completely missed the turkey eagle split!) We saw a pack arrow so perhaps someone led us astray.
Not an awful beer check!
Who knows! Either way I ended up on turkey, apparently eagle was a solid 3 miles longer (sheesh!) and I was very appreciative of the bathroom stop which a hare had written “you’re welcome!” outside of. We made it down to an overlook by Cowell’s for beer check which had a lovely view of the sunset over Santa Cruz.
Beer Check
We then meandered on back to Religion at the top of the Oswald’s parking structure. I shared Wicked’s hilarity which he was not even there to get a down down for. Finger nips fucked up a song, not once, but twice! and she had to drink for it. Rat Pussy and Just Foot Pussy were called “Putas” by a bunch of kids outside of a church, that’s pretty awesome. Our short-cutters got their justice. Gator bait Shallow Hole got to drink for backsliding from Louisiana all this time. Occasional and New kids also got to drink for backsliding. Bareback got a down down for being late and her man Courtesy Flush got a down down for putting the “ass” in “class” mooning us all from Hugh Heifers truck window. Overall a pretty shitty trail as expected and we made our hares drink for it!
This week’s hash was very entertaining all things considered. Our hares Puff and TIMMY!! Got things started at the davenport roadhouse.
Unsuspecting wankers don’t know what kind of crap Puff has up his sleeve for this trail
Right off the bat we had trouble solving a few checks and I may have made the mistake of following the virgin (Virgin Dusty) through a swamp instead of taking the easy way around from the liquor check. Other than having quite the wind going it was a lovely start along the coast. We then got back up onto the 1 and headed north on that for a bit looking for flour. We were led across the railroad tracks into the residential little davenport neighborhood. NOTE: The hares told us before trail started that we should ignore any “private property” and “no trespassing” signs. I think those wankers set us up…just keep reading to know what I mean because this is where things got interesting. As we made our way down a dried up ravine we started getting yelled at by a perturbed ass-clown.
The path that led to the crazy dude, we saw NO private property signs!
This little guy started yelling at us that we were on private property and that there were “Signs everywhere” (we saw no such signs upon our exit, merely a bus stop and street sign sooooo) Anywho, he threatened us profusely that he would call the sheriff if we continued on our path and when dBased tried to very politely and calmly reason with him asking for a better way around he just kept yelling at us to get the fuck out. We left and in the process he still felt he needed to get his tiny dick into his tiny truck and drive down to the start of the path (seriously like 20 meters long he could have walked up to us if he wasn’t such a weenie) to harass us some more and make sure we left.
Beautiful trail despite how shitty it was
He called the local “National security” HA! National security was a lady with a poodle dog in her little truck which proceeded to follow us as well. So we went back to the road and hoped we could pick up trail down the road. We did find trail, and some hashers went to see where it went and the national security lady started honking at them and yelling at them to GET OUT OF THERE! HEY! YOU! STOP! (I guess that little patch of forest was private property too) so the hashers ran through and met up with us on the road while the lady continued yelling into a now empty forest. She clearly learned we were too large a group to fuck with and merely followed us at a respectful distance after that.
After that bit of excitement we were led through the cute little neighborhood behind whale city and such and finally onto the beach area across from start where we had beer check but with the insane winds we decided “fuck that” and had a quick religion at the railroad tracks.
Brrr! Almost blown away Beer Check
First order of business was for those who had been yelled at by either tiny dick guy or poodle national security lady to drink…so that was everyone! Although only dung-fu, accuprick, occasional and dBased actually got the real yelling from the national security lady I believe. Accuprick also felt I deserved a down-down for leading people on about some hot wet beaver pics (link here, you won’t regret it, just click it: (https://www.buzzfeed.com/katangus/ooh-baby-thats-what-i-like?utm_term=4ldqpgp&bffbmain#4ldqpgp) We had a virgin and he delivered for the harriettes! We got full frontal and some ass too, hopefully he had a good birthday on Friday! Lastly we yelled at the hares for their shitty trail.
