The Bash (Bike-Hash) was exactly how everyone should have wanted to spend their Sunday Funday! We started at Brommer park, admiring each others sweet rides (creative cardboard cup holders, cheetah print accessories, and every other creative way to carry ones beverage through the bumpy ride that was the day). We hung out at Brommer park for a while, people tossing dollar bills to the bottom of dung-fu’s backpack for his eclectic beer selection he brought for thirsty wankers. We took off what felt like hours after arriving because our hare had been gone for so long. We were led around over to the liquor store at the corner of 41^st and Portola to pick up some booze. We had trouble finding trail from there and caused some traffic cluster fucks. Whatever. We then wandered through the neighborhoods before finding ourselves on the road that leads down to the capitola wharf and we stopped to enjoy our purchases and look at the surfers. From there we went down opal and along east cliff for a while and through those neighborhoods, then going through a path (that one with the swing that leads along the swamp area, I don’t know the name) where we had to put our bikes to the test (road bikes and beach cruisers being used as mountain bikes). We then had a surprise pause because it was pretty and continued our drinking. PCL’s wine bag got some serious abuse throughout the day, getting slapped and sipped by everyone (read that as dirty as you like). We then picked up from there and headed to Kong’s where everyone was obsessed with their egg rolls and apparently they were going to close soon (sad!) We obtained more booze and some of us were tired of waiting for egg rolls so we went on ahead.

We arrived behind twin lakes, again putting the skills of our non-mountain bikes to the test. This was a beautiful scene. Some of us were quite tipsy by that point, mustaches were made, there was frolicking, and other weird shit.

Some of us were cold with the wind that picked up by the end of the day and starving due to only drinking all day so we ditched religion but based on the photographic evidence here is what happened: PCL got a down down for her tour de Franzia antics.

Apparently Courtesy Flush and Hugh Heifer used technology and trail and got down downs for that. Bareback Unicrack and Courtesy Flush got busted for showing up halfway through trail and doing some autohashing. And our awesome Bash hare dung-fu got his, thanks Dung-Fu for inspiring us to have more Bashes in the future (and in my case buy a bike!)!

On on,

Pussy Wood

This week’s hash was brought to us by Hugh Heifer and Pussy Galore who decided the pack had gone about playing games too long and needed to be punished with a fuck load of checks.

All the checks. It wasn’t so much the amount either but that each check had 1-2 flour puffs going in every direction so we couldn’t just get away with looking one or two directions. Checks that were almost always kicked in the wrong direction first before being corrected (actually let’s be real nobody corrected them). Checks that led us up and down and all around. So. Many. Checks.

With that rant out of the way, I can actually talk about other things, not that there is really anything else to talk about for this trail. We started out from Monty’s log cabin in Felton, I really like that place with their cool outdoor back patio, cheap drinks, and dart board that is definitely not hung at regulation height, turns out 6 inches makes a hell of a difference…

After the hares were off we gave their slow asses plenty of time to fuck with us. Trail was beautiful through Henry Cowell by where the train runs through. I think we heard something about a pastor convention going on in the facility by the train tracks but we decided to keep our sinner selves away from trouble and kept on going without harassing them. We finally got to beer check in the same place we had it last year at this time and had religion in the parking lot of Mountain Community Resources.

Timmy was our RA and wanted to get

that shit over with so it was quick and dirty and we didn’t get to name the many pups that showed up, Butters needs a name (I suggested “Slip n slide”) and Vaginal Repair Kit’s pup Charlie as well (My vote is for Suck on my Cocker Spaniel) we can’t let the fact that he is a COCKer spaniel go ignored! But alas Timmy veto’d our idea for that so perhaps next time.

The backsliders got theirs BarebackUnicrack, Trans-Cunt-n-Anal, Cum Lord and Pussy Galore (but when one hare drinks…). Trans-cunt-n-anal managed to make it to 25 hashes despite being a lazy bastard.

Virgin Tully brought to us by Tits-n-Game showed off his goods to the hornyharriettes. Finally we got some announcements, Wharf-to-Barf will have the theme “Jam out with your Clam out” and seems there will be a hook up at Kiva, but make sure to get hammered ahead of time as they don’t allow booze. Red dress announcements also made, make sure you sign up on the facebook event page! It will start at Callahan’s this time around!

Finally Religion was finished and we headed to on after at Cowboys which was a pretty cool joint! A lot of the crew went and it was a good time as always with you wankers.

On on,

Pussy Wood

Let’s start by saying Severino’s is way too classy for our crew.

I don’t think older people have ever looked so scornful and ashamed for my generation as they did when I walked across the floor in front of their little jazz band set up in my lepre-pussy shirt, tiny kilt and beer socks. Actually, upon further thought, I think Just Foot Pussy showing his gigantic ass bruise on the back patio probably brought more shame.

Accuprick and Thmp thmp our hares led us all over the place! We pissed off an old man because traffic signals are hard! There were mudslides (not the alcoholic kind) rather the kind that took Genital tongs down on her ass (I guess the alcoholic kind could do that too). There were shamrock shakes at liquor check and that was pretty awesome! What wasn’t awesome was not finding trail when we hit the check at the end of the rail road tracks. Apparently they swear there was some at the gas station (we never verified so its probably lies).

Despite it all, we managed to make it to beer check at Deadliest Snatch and Rat Pussy’s place!

They had some amazing stew, corned beef and cabbage, jello shots and all sorts of goodness for us including a salamander! (maybe I’m the only one who gave a shit about that)

We managed to make it over to religion in the parking lot of the palo alto medical foundation. There was a slight change of rules, no beer fairy, just Dung fu chucking beer at people if they chucked beer on him with Brokebench of course being the first to test these rules.First down down was for those who didn’t even get as far as making first liquor check (pathetic!). The Betty Ford wankers who got to experience the final drunken bacteria-filled Jacuzzi fuck fest got their down downs. Apparently doing trail is not even involved because dBased was the only one to do trail and everyone else knew the rules that you never follow dBased.

We found out just how old Hangs Loose was because he could not manage to internet properly, I bet if Puff’s hash flash link said “spam titties” he would have found it no problem. Down downs were then given toCumfart Zone and Vaginal Repair Kit who got the free crossfit beer, I personally try to stay away from that sort of activity. We were then blessed with two virgins! Virgin Minnie and Virgin Laura. Virgin Laura made a big impression on Banana Basher by threatening his manhood the first time they met and will TEMPORARILY be known as “just the Big O” if she can manage to stick around long enough to earn it (or something worse!). The night just kept getting better from there as we got to see shamrock pasties on some of our harriettes Bacon Queef and Occasional Rapist. To top that Puff seems to be suffering from dementia because he surprised and concerned us all by wearing brand new shoes! And he drank out of both. Gross! Lucky for you if you didn’t make it this week you can watch a video of it here:

The backsliders of which there were many, drank their down downs. And last and actually probably least the hares!

This week stay tuned for some Zombie Jesus debauchery with me and Electric Labia Land!

On on,

Pussy Wood

Why I need to hash scribe when puff sends out hash flash emails like that still baffles me, but I am a half-mind so I am often baffled. This week Thmp and Princess (our hares)had some serious backsliders crawl out of the woodworks for them!

The crepe place was poppin’ with hashers many of which I did not recognize. Once we finally managed to head out we hit a speed check immediately…and about a million others along our route. There was a debacle involving one of the speed checks and Pink Cherry Liquor where she went the wrong way and threw the pack off despite her denying the incident or having some sort of story I feel like there were lies thrown around by everyone and placing blame on her is much easier!

Once we got led around here and there for a while like many times before we found dBased off on his own, he didn’t fall for PCL’s tricks and actually ended up on proper trail solving on the speed checks for the pack who fell about 15-20 min behind. We eventually got to JFP and Bacon Queef’s for beer check, tits were shown, pussies were pet, beer was drank and packages were delivered. After all that good stuff we got over to Casa de Puff’s for Religion.

Dung-fu was our religious advisor and the first order of business was to down-down those backsliders! Banana Basher, Broke Bench, Dog Breath, Apple Bobber, Bacon Queef, Pedofiddler (we will get to that), Tits n Game and Moose Turd Pie all got their down downs! Most of them came down with the zika virus in some form, which explains the shrunken brains characteristic of microcephaly they seem to exhibit. Tits n game wasn’t coming because she wasn’t cumming, someone help her out! Moose Turd Pie was in Yosemite frolicking in the forest. Pedofiddler said her name was awful and she demanded a new one, since the hash could not seem to have remembered her muggle name (Even before she had a hash name) the general confusion Jessic-jenn-jang-GENITAL TONGS as named byFingernips emerged and she had a new hash name.

So from here on out she will be known as “Genital Tongs”. We had some visitors as well Michael fuckin Vick (as he put it, “you throw a beer can in the direction of a dog ONE TIME”) and Trashbag Coochie were visiting from Humboldt. I think Broke Bench attempted to sodomize Dog Breath and the plastic chair, rather than be involved just decided it was better to die and it exploded, they got a down down for that.

This is why Puff has so many chairs because when you have hashers over you definitely can’t expect to get your security deposit back. We also had a VIRGIN! Virgin Cassie had a simple but good joke with “How do you make 5 lbs of fat look good?”…You put a nipple on it. Which is factual. PCL got her backcheck scandal down-down. There were some more down-downs given something about dog breath having a flashlight up his ass or something I forget.

We also had beer day celebrations! Thmp and Michael fuckin Vick got their song. Finally the hares! Thmp-thmp and Princess laid a truly shitty trail! It’s the gay chicken team next week with Twisted and Dung-fu leading the way through a shitty trail!

On-on,

Pussy Wood

So what, they were a week late to the game, but that was easily forgotten as the pack was immersed into the Mardi Gras spirit!

The lack of tit and package checks was disappointing, but otherwise a truly amazingly shitty trail! It started with lots of beads and as much beer as the single Santa Cruz Mountain Brewer Bartender could handle! Fingernips is clearly an experienced hasher because she went across the way for a beer and smuggled it easily over to SCMB. The trail was short and shitty, but we somehow made it to the alleyway behind Timmy’s house. Seriously liquor check was hurricanes and then we were suddenly behind Timmy’s house this trail was SHORT, but no complaints here.

Upon arrival at casa de TIMMY! We were greeted with fire, Gumbo and a shitty atmosphere of hashers. We had a quick religion with backsliders and visitors getting shit first: Summers yeast, Fifth hole, Arabian Goggler,  Drink n Squirt and Accu Prick our religious advisor himself with a backsliding beer fairy Cock Throbbin. We had a Virgin Nate who discussed his issues with midget abuse (future name if he makes it to his 5^th hash). I am glad Just Foot Pussy had the balls to complain about the lack of tit and package checks.

I will say that on in was the best part of trail. Homemade gumbo, a big happy birthday fuck you to PCL and LIVE BAND made this hash a special one! If you missed the cajun hash band there is video up on the surf city fb page. Hopefully this trail finds itself on the list of best hashes at AGM!

Also, if you wankers didn’t make it out to the CAN’d red dress yesterday you missed out! Talk about a party! Can’t wait until ours!

On-on,

Pussy Wood

Never thought you would see the day when a scribe was actually waiting on Hash Flash to be up so they could post the Trash did you? Well the apocalypse is here so make sure you get Rat Pussy to help you stock up on your booze for the end of the world! Anywho, here is the short and shitty post for the short and shitty trail.

We started things off a Steel Bonnet brewing in Scotts Valley, a nicer establishment than I suppose a lot of the pack is used to but we were behaved for the most part. We didn’t get far before we hit our first speed check…and then another…and another until we finally made our way into a park. The frogs were so loud we couldn’t hear the people up ahead and Brokebench did one of his high-pitched horror movie screams and the frogs got shut down it was impressive. The same jokester also made a star wars joke with a trashcan lid (see photo)

. Ultimately we just got circle jerked to beer check. I was the first to find beer check and it was just Hugh huddled in the dark with her little red wagon filled with beer who looked at me and said “SHHHH SIT DOWN WITH ME AND BE QUIET” so we creeped in the dark until the rest of the Turkey pack arrived. Since eagle trail was longer we just waited for a while until we saw the first headlamps over the hill at which point some worked REALLY hard to shut us the fuck up so we could creep in the dark and make the eagles go out of the way before making it to beer check. We were quiet for a quite a while not counting the various burps and farts. Turkey trail was only just over a mile, the eagles got taken up and around and SHOULD have had to circle jerk but Shallow had to wise up and yell “HEY GUYS THERE IS A SHORTCUT!” What a buzzkill! Honestly shit didn’t get too weird on trail other than what I already described, it was short. I can tell you it was in fact, a shitty trail, no really, Chewie took a shit the size of an infant and Princess later stepped in what she described as a “greasy” shit (ewwww), someone’s dog is getting into the bacon grease!

Then it was time for religion in the business park nearby the start. Probably the most shocking tale from trail was that 6 of 9 ACTUALLY PAID! Shocker! (not that kind of shocker) He also got his 50^th hash patch. Steamy Baanorrhea and I got our 25 hash patches, and accuprick reached 200 (get a life!). This week also came with quite a few backsliders, Princess, Brokebench, Hangs Loose, Thmp, Slownad and our RA, Accuprick. At some point some muggles walked by and the song went from hash-worthy to Thmp singing “row row row your boat…” but Hangs Loose clearly didn’t get why there was a switch because he proceeded to continue with “gently up my ass”. That’s one place to park a boat I suppose. Shallow got her down down for ruining the Turkeys fun and her man Waxi Pad got his for showing up only to start and religion. Finally the hares! Thanks for the short and shitty trail Hugh Heifer and dBased, but I think next time I’d rather sit here on my computer drinking a beer than run your shitty trail.

On On,

Pussy Wood