Wind and rain. It’s April, enough already. ‘Enough already’ is also something I uttered in dismay after about the first mile of this past Thursday’s trail too. Hare-pair Pink Cherry Licker and Fap Jack were actually able to lay a trail whose dreariness exceeded that of the weather. A sad accomplishment but an accomplishment nonetheless I guess. Deep Stroke showed up but declined the ‘opportunity’ to hash upon hearing who the hares were. That’s her most intelligent decision in years I dare say. Maybe her ONLY intelligent one upon further reflection.
We had the potential of a double-naming but many took umbrage at not being able to question our two victims so only one was saddled with a hash handle. It’s amazing we were able to name even one of our victims considering the lack of respect being shown Religion of late. If you wish to know why things sometimes go awry during the proceedings, look no further than those that wish to needlessly flap their jaws while the VOLUNTEER Religious Adviser attempts to move the festivities along and keep you undeserving bastards entertained.
Thursday the thirteenth, which may prove as deadly as a FRIDAY the thirteenth, will feature our globe-trotting lovebirds Little Anal Annie and Butt Balls co-haring and dragging us to Manresa Beach campground. More details will follow I’m certain.
dBASED reprimanded Puff for being so old and forgetful because I neglected to send out a Flash announcement last weekend. He’s probably correct, I don’t remember anyway. So, the link below will deliver you not only to this week’s Flash but to that of last week as well. Also, as a special added FREE bonus, you’ll receive the three days of the first annual Hash Springs event as well. You now have five free days of hashing to relive.
Even though this hash takes place in Santa Cruz county I could swear that we were literally in another state, like South Bumf*ck.
Impressive turn out!
It took forever to go a few miles on some sick narrow one lane winding road to get to this homestead. It would have been easier to have a helicopter lower me down onto the property than to drive those treacherous roads…..and I’m not even talking about what happened as we tried to leave in the pitch dark blackness of the forest. Maybe I’ll talk about that later. It was traumatizing. I now have PTSD along with my usual STD. Grrrrrrr.
So, we all gathered at Drill Me’s forest compound….compounded by lots of parking issues.
The backyard was lovely, the grills were set up, the celebrity chefs were in house, and the knives were flying.
The tables were laden with all kinds of gastronomic delights. Anthony Bourdain would be proud.
Down the Rabbit Hole
After the usual pre trail lubing and butt sniffing, the hares, DBased and Drill Me were off.
Apparently there were 2 trails….one easy peasy downhill saunter for the lazy ass walkers. The other trail was a ball buster or a vaginal tingler, depending on your proclivities. Although it was a mere few miles it was as if we set out on an Ironman event. Up hills, down hills, sideways on hills, jumping across creeks, leaping over logs, scrambling bare knuckled up steep inclines. We braved brambles and poison oak and scorching heat. We trespassed across private property and around deer gates until we finally descended upon the sacred vineyard, where we can set our tired asses down on a hay bale and swig a cold one.
Hallelujah!!
Oh and there was some sort of a view up at the top, but too much sweat was pouring into my eyes and I couldn’t see a thing. Waste of time in my book.
Oh hayyyyy there hashers
All I cared about was some lousy beer and that beautiful meat waiting for me back at the start. Yes, I am talking about Vaginal Repair Kit!!
After a proper rest and beer check most tackled the severely steep uphill back to the grill masters territory. Some crazy folks hitched a ride with Occasional Rapist and piled into that square box of a car thingy. CumFartZone, Vag and 2F*uckChuck ( the D.O.G ) plus a watermelon, hung on for dear life sitting on the lift gate.
The others squeezed inside in the little tuna can as we heaved up and down the bumpy road. Occasional R. thought it would be fun to do the whole thing in first gear, that is until the clutch started smoking! And we were all yelling “SHIFT!!”….Yes that was SHIFT not SHIT. Although we almost shit in our shorts.
Along the way we picked up a hitchhiking Princes, but she bailed after a few minutes in that lurching, smoking death trap.
More flattering photos have been taken…just never at a hash
Safely back at the ranch we all assembled for a our BBQ’d treats. The chefs called out our orders and the hungry hoard descended upon them like locusts.
After the crowd finished gorging themselves, Religion began in earnest.
Drill me was awarded a fake award for only ever doing 2 hashes….the very 2 hashes she has hared and hosted!! Quite a feat. Not sure that anyone else could top that.
Deadliest Snatch has a whopping 100 hashes under her crab pot and Stub Rub has half that amount, coming in at 50, poor little pathetic stub.
Hare host and co-hare
We had many visitors from Silicone Valley although they argued that they were not visitors and that this was really a joint hash…Ok Whatever!! Anything to make them happy and to believe that they are worthy.
It was Dual Tools Birthday so we rightly sang him the appropriate song – The Surf City rendition of “tiny buttholes” sung to the tune of tiny bubbles.
I believe that one of our own created this catchy tune.
We had a few backsliders…Jizziki – workin and hurtin, ButtBalls, Little Anal Annie, TransCunt, Curtesy Flush, Bareback Unicrack.
Bareback got some sort of a hall pass. I think she and Curtesy have an “open relationship”….nah, not really…just kiddin. Don’t get any wild ideas people.
JunkPuncher ( another D.O.G ) made his last appearance with his doodads intact. I can see you all squirming in your seats right now because ya know what that means. Get out the sharp shiny scalpel and say “Sayanara baby”.
Nothing to see here folks
There was talk on naked trampoline antics but everybody was cold….so we tea bagged that idea.
🙁
We thanked our brave chefs, Jizz, Accuprick and ButtBalls.
We raised some serious funds for Second Harvest Food Bank.
We thanked our fearless hares, dBased and Drill Me.
And then we attempted our new tradition of Birthday spanking by creating the SPANK TUNNEL. It was a love fest. I can’t hardly wait for mine. I’ll bring some implements!!!
Apparently some folks….like WORM….had a little issue exiting the parking area. I won’t go into details but it was ugly. Thankfully the search and rescue team (Thump and others) pulled him to safety.
Others had a scary ride home in the darkness facing blinding headlights from oncoming traffic on a one lane road.
Maybe this hash needs to be a daylight event on a weekend DAY….so that people can safely get home.
It is a great event, but once darkness descends it is very tricky to navigate those roads.
Just my 2 pesos.
Nevertheless, thank you all for a lovely enchanted evening.
Oh yeah, we were just there and school was still in session so it was a bitch to find a parking space.
Is that enough flour?
This may be the only nice thing I say about Timmy – he was sober enough to pick a date for his haring adventure that was actually after the school year and thus saved us much stress and aggravation…at least in the parking department.
As to the trail department….well that is another story entirely….which I will only recount bits and pieces.
I am sure he had good intentions, but after hopping several fences and scaling hillsides and dealing with the ever annoying checks – some of the wankers were lead to a precipitous cliff edge with no visible safe trail to descend. All the clumps of flour led to this spot….but it was quite steep and unsafe…Not to mention the whole place was covered in Poison Oak.
I really thought I was on a Bear Gryls outdoor adventure test. I sucked it up and tried two different routes but after 3 failed attempts I gave up. Nevertheless some fools(Dog Breath and Dung Fu) disregarded my warnings and they leaped off the cliff and others (Pinky) must have slid down on their backside.
Chalk Talk
Miraculously no ambulances were needed, however Pinky took a mud bath of sorts to attempt PO removal. She learned that technique on one of the popular survival shows.
Maybe we all were on a survival mission and thus the overhead drone was secretly filming our adventures as we talked into our camouflaged hash name necklace microphone.
Perhaps those wandering cows were just the TV producers hiding inside a cow costume. Did you see the size of those cow pies? Pretty realistic if you ask me.
Shallow looks like she knows how to climb up on some wood
Back at base camp we forgot about the gruesome trail as we shared some trough start beers co-mingled with the religion beers. Who cares as long as we have some friggin beer.
So hard to keep all those different beers separated. Damn renegade beers……..to go along with the renegade cows and the damn renegade hare.
We had a few virgins hell bent on joke telling. Really…..These days is everyone a comedian??
Do they read up on the joke of the day website before they show up at their first hash?
For God’s sake how hard is it to drop trou?
We also chastised Timmy for the missing liquor and beer check.
After that letdown, we had some more sad, sobering news that our fearless RA – Religious Adviser- Dung Fu – is leaving us.
Terrified just looking at this photo!
Was it something we said?
Was it the fact that nobody listens to you as you try to scream above the chatter and the din of drunks in a field, drunks on a railroad track, drunks on a bridge, drunks in a playground?
Are you feeling taken advantage of like a cheap whore?
You just give and give and give until there is nothing left in the keg?
You ingrates, you miscreants, you saucy savages, you cry and scream to yourself.
Dung Fu simply can’t take another minute of these whiny bitches and therefore he will be taking his bad ass self out of state. He is leaving and going far far away from you disrespectful weirdos. His passport has been renewed and he is flying the country of Cali.
Baker’s dozen’t hears the ghosts of wankers past
Well not really….I just embellished this a bit…….but he really really is leaving and now we need to re-supply our Kleenex box because there was not a dry eye in the pasture after his announcement.
If anyone else is brave enough to step up as a temporary replacement, then do so at your own risk.
We had a decidedly delightful trail….for a change. Great weather despite a “heatwave” supposedly taking place all over the state and beyond.
Alohares
This was a Bodacious Birthday Bash disguised as a Hash! We also took full advantage of the Beachy/Hawaiian theme as the Hawaiian shirts and leis were out in full force! Even the dogs got into the theme.
Our Beguiling Beerthday hares were Occasional Rapist and Ho To Housewife.
We began and ended trail at Wicked lovely abode. He had surf songs skipping on the old CD player, chairs carefully arranged around the fire pit and festive food was waiting in the wings. I especially enjoyed his photos of his Mom and Dad that were displayed in honor of their meeting in Hawaii so many moons ago.
Great Aloha spirit for sure.
These two are flamin’
At the “pre lube” most folks dived into the keg, only to have a puzzled look on their faces as lowly wine filled their red solo cups.
WTF??
I thought we were a BEER crowd?
And speaking of beer….apparently some folks got into the beer intended for religion or beer check. We got a serious lecture on that one. Something about troughs.
I am still unclear about the particulars and the rules. Perhaps we need a written missive to clear up the confusion. And another lecture please.
Grrrrrr….but back to the trail adventures.
Fuck you swan haters
Luckily it was short. Most likely due to our newest aging hares who didn’t want to fire up their motorized wheelchairs for this hash. So they took it easy on us. Perhaps it was a mere 2 miles….just enough time to marvel at the views of the ocean and to gloat about living with the cool ocean breeze….despite it being 100 degrees inland.
We had a poignant beer check in the shadow of Jack O’Neil’s iconic green house perched above a famous surf spot.
It was so poignant that you couldn’t tell if folks were crying or just covered in salt water. A slew of hashers dashed into the ocean to cool off….so pets and people were descending upon the hillside dripping wet.
There’s seabright, panther, 4-mile and now wanker beach
Nevertheless it was a delightful pit stop along a easy meandering trail…which eventually led back to Wicked’s for some serious eats…along with CumFartZone’s now famous Pineapple Upside Cake Jell-O shots!
People gorged themselves on delicious Kaluha Pork and rice, some spam creation and cupcakes.
Religion started off with Accupricks excuse of being late in because he had to attend a retirement party.
We had all the folks who jumped or put a toe in the ocean come up for down downs – this may be a partial list….the virgin dude, Dog Breath, Dung Fu, Rat Pussy, Ska, C*unt Jungle, Pinky….and maybe a few more I may have missed.
There was talk about the hash shit.
??**&&?? whatever!
Did someone get this poor pup high?
And we called out Real Boring Bitch for some whistle infraction….I can relate…had the same thing happen to me 2 years ago at Wharf to Barf saturday picnic hash when I stupidly followed Dog Breath or dBased and got lost…which led me to frantic blowing of the whistle in order to get found.
In Real Boring Bitch’s case he was merely LONELY….not lost…although I think he really is lost… a lost soul. Ya know, there are support groups for that.
Dbased was called up for calling “ON ON” after seeing only 2 marks…but it really was a false…So we talked about fake news and a conspiracy theory. Go figure. Thanks Dog Breath.
As a reminder the first and probably only rule
(after the trough rule thing) is NEVER FOLLOW dBASED!!
Some people need to get this tattooed on their arms as a reminder, cause they just don’t learn.
“NFdB”.
Maybe we can get a group rate on some ink.
Wankers getting fired up
We had some visitors from Hawaii….go figure…what are the odds that at our “Hawaii” themed hash we have “Hawaiian” visitors – Master Blaster is in the house. Smells like a conspiracy to me……..but don’t get me started.
We also have some righteous analversaries.
The most auspicious one was for Puff…with a whopping NINE HUNDRED – 900 – SCH3 Hashes!!
Close behind was dBased with 750. Get a life.
Ska is becoming quite the regular with our group in addition to her other travels and has racked up 25 hashes with us as well.
Three terrified virgins showed up and thought that they were on American Idol. Never heard so much singing in my life….and one was quite good. Simon would be proud.
We’ve got virgins!
After all the festivities and birthday wishes….we did get that “lecture”/reminder about BYOB when we don’t start at a bar. This is where the trough term comes in….again clarification and repetition would be helpful….especially when we are told at the END of the evening….after some illicit imbibing…..when we won’t remember what was being said.
I might need a note to take home to my parents.
There was also some confusion regarding dogs at the start and end location.
let’s try to resolve this for future events so that we can all get along.
Other than that it was a fantastic evening.
Aloha everyone
On On On
CumFartZone.
PS – Just about a month – give or take – for Wharf to Barf weekend….and my birthday (July 25).
So get your regos in so that we can have a kick ass event.
For the record….I did not do this trail….but I gleaned enough helpful nuggets to assist me in writing the trash. So here goes.
Lost in the woods, perhaps better to just leave them there
It was a drizzly wet day in the hood so some hoodlum decided it would be a novel idea to go hiking. That chap was Dung Fu….who has clearly lost his grip…..on reality and how to read a trail map. Even in this digital age his coveted GPS couldn’t save him. He started out early in order to scout the route….however he got hopelessly lost and turned around. Something in his gut told him he was going the wrong way and it wasn’t his vegan bean burrito. Instead of looking for an outhouse or as we country folk like to call em…a “shitter”….Dung Fu decides he is now training for Everest and ascends up to the heavens. When he finally realizes that he is in a different country he kicks into high gear and lets those 6 ft long legs fly in order to get back to the start before 6:33 pm.
Plenty of signs to be ignored by wankers
I’m sure it was a wonderful hash along a beautiful meandering trail with overflowing waterfalls, glistening streams and naked butts.
Speaking of butts…..I saw the evidence – the infamous digital evidence of some half minds getting their weekly bath. And speaking of evidence we all got a harsh lesson in privacy thanks to our resident educator. Some things are best left unseen. Especially Dog Breaths hairy ass!!
Hare snare sandwich
I am now seeing a therapist over this tragedy.
As part of my therapy I am now required to fabricate “Pineapple Upside Down Cake Jell-O shots for the next hash. I think they call it “art therapy”.
What a delightful evening with the Birthday Hares….Fap and Shallow. Beerday Hares
This “trail” started off with so many checks that I thought they were advertising for a breakfast cereal.
Every 2 blocks there was a check – Does someone have a Obsessive/compulsive disorder?
Wanker Takeover
I heard that cold smegma was utterly confused by these checks and found himself down by the river where he literally ran into the hares. Only problem was that he didn’t know who the hares were…..so they escaped unscathed.
Bakers D, Rabbit hole, and Dung Fu decided that the magnificently confounding checks were better left to some half minds so they set off on their own “Team Christmas” trail???
Checks for days
The rest of us had to make sure our immunizations were up to date…especially for Hepatitis. Meandering over the rail road tracks is not for the faint of heart. With every step there lurks danger. Discarded needles littered the path along with the usual assortment of junkie homeless trash. All the 2 legged and 4 legged creatures had to be extra vigilant.
Not easy to step gingerly after all those tasty beers.
Moving on, I was told it was supposed to be a 2.25 mile trail but I think they doubled the distance, well just because they can…..and they did.
Along the way, a lazy but resourceful hasher decided a Costco shopping cart was the way to save some miles and thus was forcefully and gleefully pushed along by 2 other wankers.
Twat Did You Say having a Garbage sale in her front lawn, everything free to whoever will take it
The light at the end of this tunnel of love adventure was the lovely beer check venue, complete with fruit and nuts and other tasty morsels….plus INDOOR plumbing!!
At Religion we had not one but TWO namings.
Folks gathered the requisite dirt as we crawled along on our little adventure. I discovered that Ms Cat has a fear of vacuums and Just Oscar is trying to live the American dream in his stylish Ben Franklin shiggy socks.
Newly christened “Bunsen Banger”
These poor plebes answered more embarrassing questions and then were led of so we could decide their fate.
According to Puff, who records everything precisely….
Just Oscar morphed into Testacoil – although there is some discussion regarding the spelling of this new name.
Just Cat will now be known as Bunsen Banger.
Newly christened “Testacoil”
We had some hearty visitors from San Diego…they are authentic runners. We could use a lesson from them.
Cum you will Not passed the 25 hash mark and was given a lovely patch.
The non runners and most elegantly dressed were Rat Pussy and Deadliest Snatch. They almost ended up at Ross for a costume change and a new pair of keds.
The Birthday Hares totally represented and were thus rewarded by lots of singing and gifts.
We had the potential of a double-naming but many took umbrage at not being able to question our two victims so only one was saddled with a hash handle. It’s amazing we were able to name even one of our victims considering the lack of respect being shown Religion of late. If you wish to know why things sometimes go awry during the proceedings, look no further than those that wish to needlessly flap their jaws while the VOLUNTEER Religious Adviser attempts to move the festivities along and keep you undeserving bastards entertained. 
