As was promised, our hares Thmp thmp and Twisted Fister brought us some new bullshit. As was expected, half minds made it shittier than it had to be….

We started at the blue lounge (NOT THE FUCKING BLUE LAGOON…since it seems necessary to point that out every time). The pack basically filled the joint, and it felt like a party in there with the beats the cool ass bartenders were playing. A crazy guy walked in with an open bottle of the oh-so classy Evan Williams, and Rat Pussy almost got in a fight with him asking him to leave (Turns out he was outside and showed Thmp his bottle asking if he could bring it inside and Thmp told him to go right in (he got his down down for that))  Thmp and Twisted explained the rules of the evening which involved a giant off-roading wagon full of beer cans.

They started things out with only a 5 minute head start and we had to go catch them, the first two wankers to catch them then had to be the next set of hares. Once hares were caught we all got to drink beers and the deal was when we ran out of beers the last couple of hares had to run us back to start. Sounds simple right?

Wrong.

Motherfuckers put down a fuckload of checks, took us in all sorts of circles, and we eventually gave up despite not quite finishing the beer. To detail it all out, Thmp and Twisted took us out to Point Loma first from the Blue Lounge with at least 3 or 4 checks taking us down an alley between 3rd and 4th. We got to pass our crazy friend again and he basically told JFP to fuck off, nice guy! Our next set of hares was Dung-fu and dBased, and quickly Genital Tongs who didn’t give a fuck and didn’t give them the 5 minute head start and caught up to them.

They of course fucked with us hard with an initial YBF down almost over the bridge to the boardwalk and then we walked back up and we passed ocean view park thinking thats where they were taking us, so we were like hmmm wonder where we are going…well we were going to that park just after a gigantic circle jerk with checks! Dicks. The next hare pair (because god dammit there was still beer left) was Rat Pussy and Bakers Dozen’t, who we were sure would be smart and head us slowly back in the direction of the blue lounge, but nah, they also thought they would fuck with us and took us all sorts of directions just to take us back to dung-fu’s.

Finally at dung-fu’s despite not finishing all the beer, Steamy Baaahnorea took us back to the Blue Lounge where we rushed through religion because pizza!

Religion was behind the Blue Lounge with Accu and Dung-fu sort of co-RAing? It was confusing. The following is 100% plagerized from Puff: Backsliders were punished for their e-vile ways: Steamy Baanorrhea, Dung-Fu Grip, Twisted Fister, Just Foot Pussy, Bacon Queef and The Human Pube.

Steamy Baanorrhea was mocked for falling on a trail that almost no one ran any part of and barely ever left a paved surface. Steamy still managed to find a way to make a fool of himself. Pink Cherry Licker, Transcunt-n-anal, Just Foot Pussy, Bacon Queef, Jizziki, The Human Pube and Cum You Will Not were punished for having neither whistle nor bottle opener on their person. Fap Jack was convicted of not doing even a block of trail (Puff also accused PCL of such a crime but in fact she did trail!).

Our multitude of hares: Rat Pussy, Dung-Fu Grip, dBASED, Twisted Fister, Thmp-Thmp and Steamy Baanorrhea were then punished (rightfully so!). And we finally got to eat at Engfer’s pizza which graciously stayed open a while longer so we could eat! Next week cum’s to us from Shallow Hole and Cum Pumper, sounds like the racists will be happy about that one!

On on,

Pussy Wood

This week’s trail hit some pretty sour notes.  The Hare was Symphomaniac ,

a Harriette who is originally from here but lives in Germany and visits us occasionally.  The pack met in the Kmart parking lot in Scotts Valley.  The Hare gave a chalk talk to explain her unfamiliar trail markings before she left (that was a mess).   Pink Cherry Licker did a second chalk talk before the pack left and proved that teaching a bunch of half minds is worse than teaching elementary school children.  Half minds are hopeless.

The trail started out on Mt Hermon Road.  The Turkey-Eagle split was only a block down on Kings Village Road.  The Eagles continued down Mt Hermon Road and came upon a song check at the Christmas tree.  We solved a check on the corner of Mt Hermon and headed up Scotts Valley Drive.  Everything went to shit at the next check on the corner of Bean Creek Road.  Hashers scattered in all directions.

Some crossed the street and found 3 marks (2 arrows and 1 flour) with an arrow pointing into the woods.   We’ve hashed through this trail several times in the past.   We thought we were on.  A bunch of hashers scoured the woods, but couldn’t find any more marks, so we turned back and searched in all other directions.  No one could find anything, so we actually went around to where the trail came out on Glen Canyon Road, thinking that we could pick up trail again.  That didn’t work either.  The consensus was to say “fuck it” and go back to the Turkey-Eagle split and follow the Turkey trail.  We found the rest of the pack at a liquor check in Sky Park where booze bottles were hidden in the playground.

Turkeys arrived long before eagles to this liquor check and were lucky enough to have “The Arranged Marriage Chronicles” read out loud by the author himself, Paki Sak (if you don’t follow him on fb, do it, season 2 is hopefully coming soon). Trail continued on the linear path around Skypark.  Another turkey eagle split from hell. Eagles came to a funky mark that was supposed to be a YBF.  Since flour was visible a few feet ahead, we all blew past it and continued down the path.

There was a check further down the path.  Hashers went left onto Navigator Drive and called on on.  Then we came to a YBF.  Since the check was back on the linear path, I figured we could dBASED it and go to the end of the path instead of turning around.  But before we got there, we found “on Home” marks going back into the Kmart parking lot.  Turkeys basically went backwards on the original trail eagles missed I think? It was all a cluster fuck. No one was there at the Kmart lot, so we went out searching for trail again.  Since no one could find trail, Pinky used technology to find out where beer check was and told the Hare to just meet us at Kmart.

Since the trail was in my hood on my usual running route, I ran the trail a second time in the daylight and saw what we did wrong.  Sorry Symphomaniac, no redemption for you.  Trail was fucked.

At the check on the corner of Scotts Valley Drive and Bean Creek Road, trail didn’t go into the woods.  Hashers didn’t check far enough down Bean Creek Road.  There were marks past the Middle School.  Then we were supposed to go left down Bluebonnet to Skypark.   At the YBF on Navigator Drive, we were actually supposed to turn around and go the opposite way on Navigator Drive.  This would not be the logical choice considering that was the same direction we came from.  Skypark is a pretty small development that consists of 2 through streets and a few cull de sacs.  Beer near was next to the park.

Religion was in back of Kmart next to a stinky dumpster.  Pink Cherry Licker was RA.  It was pretty short since a cop drove by and saw us.  To our amazement, he did not come back.  Pussy Wood and Cunt Jungle got a down down for finding the mini bottles of fireball at liquor check, Paki Sak got his down down for his reading of the arranged marriage chronicles, there were a bunch of visitors from over the hill and 2 Analversaries.  Cum Pumper for 25^th and dBASED for 725^th hash.

On on,

Shallow Hole (Notes from Turkey Trail by Pussy Wood)

Each year, the dandies and fops of Surf City look forward to the Dress to (Sixty) Nines Hash in hopes that their fellow kennelmates might  be misidentified as classy human beings.  This year we had so much class it was coming out of  our pores and leaking in a frothy, viscous discharge from our crevices.

Since our sleepy coastal town has a limited number of class establishments that still let us in, we met at the hotel bar at Solaire.  You can tell Solaire is classy because the bottles behind the bar are bottom-lit. The first attendee was Genital Tongs, setting the tone for the night by showing up an hour early to suck down Manhattans, making friends with Dan the Bartender, and calling him Dave for the next hour.   Wicked Retahded showed up dressed in his best Oil Tycoon Chic, snakeskin jacket and all.  Co-Hare Dung Fu gave trail directions using an easily dismissed inside voice before he left with Co-Hares PCL and Fap Jack.  

The rain gods presented the hashers with a moderate drizzle for the duration of the evening.

At Circle Up, the group celebrated the democratic process that had passed Proposition 65. The extravaganza brought us visitors Ska Skank Redemption from San Francisco, who came dressed as an aluminum Festivus pole, and No Poles from Silicon Valley, who managed to put on a tie after watching several tutorials on YouTube.

The trail crossed San Lorenzo Park, ran down Pacific, and headed east on Broadway.  At a check on Riverside Ave, I lost No Poles.  Or he escaped.  I’m not sure which.  A left turn on Pennsylvania brought us to Liquor Check, where PCL greeted the pack with tiny plastic martini glasses filled with something pink and intoxicating.  My favorite.  Trail continued North to Soquel to a Turkey/Eagle split in front of Joe’s Pizza.  Eagles ran further to the north end of the trail along a swollen Branciforte Creek, while Turkeys went down the south end of the Branciforte Creek trail.  At Beer Near under the cover of the Oswald’s parking garage,  Hot Totties warmed wet weary Hashers. Broke Bench Mountain played with a drone that will surely turn on him when the robot apocalypse comes.

Religious Advisor Accuprick selected Dung Fu as Beer Fairy.  Dung Fu wielded dildo syringes like a samurai thus confirming several of the rumors circulating about him.  First up was No Poles and his shitty joke.  As an aside, I found out No Poles is actually related to Accuprick even though he knows about the letter “R”.  So if we need to replace Accuprick, we can just send No Poles for elocution lessons in South Boston, stuff him full of sausage and cheesecake, and we can pretty much have another Accuprick.  Dogbreath accused dBased of running through two falses.  And while the GPS tracks have subsequently vindicated dBased, neither the kennel nor the universe gives much credit for being right.  The costume contest was a three-way between Thmp-Thmp’s hat,  Ska Skank’s dress with a slit, and what Dogbreath will be wearing to the sentencing phase of his trial.  Ska Skank is the one to beat for next year, taking the trophy up to San Francisco.  Hares Dung Fu, Pink Cherry Licker, and Fap Jack were celebrated/blamed.

Dung Fu announced next week’s Krampus hash starts at bar that has been closed for six weeks, instilling great faith that he has scouted this trail.  Instead we’ll go to Saturn that has an uncovered dog-friendly patio and an indoor bar.  Enjoy the rain dog owners.

Love And Burritos;

Courtesy Flush

Still no real 886 Hash Trash, but here is another type of trash while we wait:

It is often said history repeats itself and so I feel the desire the recant the events of exactly 11 years previous to this years hash. That would be 12/8/2005. I checked the historical records (archive.org) and believe I have my date correct. On this night it presented the unique combination of rain, hashing downtown and Snow Night (now called WinterFest), the same as we have this week. As you might guess, religion was held at the Soquel/Front parking garage – just as is scheduled this week. Due to inclement weather, the collective decided to have religion one level down and avoid being wet. This resulted in a large volume of sound being generated. Because it was Snow Night and there were many families to hear it and many nearby police to respond. The police believed it was fight. Religion was held in a corner by the stairs. The cops pinned us in. One cop coming up the stairs on foot and two cop cars were coordinated to arrive all at the same moment.

When the cops arrived, they were kind of dumbfounded – expecting a fight, only to find people drinking. They said, dum-dee-dum-dum – you gotta go. Hashers fled the scene of the crime as quickly as possible and no arrests were made. Banana Basher took one for the team and negotiated with the cops. Perhaps his truck full of toys helped (it was Toys for Tots night). I had no alcoholic beverage in my possession when the coppers arrived, so I stuck around to see if Banana need to be bailed out.

The end of the story is Banana’s vehicle was not parked in a parking spot and the coppers requested it be moved. However, Banana was no condition to operate a moving vehicle, so he requested I do it. It only need to moved around 5 feet. However, Banana had some sort of funky transmission and it took me about 5 minutes to move those 5 feet. Banana knew exactly what was going on and was laughing inside his head the entire time while the police watched.

So, I believe the lesson to be learned for this week’s hash is should conditions occur such as religion is moved down one floor, it is done with contemplation.