Last week’s trail was our first anal (ouch!) Glow Hash, or at least first since I’ve been hashing… which really isn’t that long…. We met at Aloha Grill on Portola, a location selected by the hare pair of Pink Cherry Liquor and Fap Jack. When myself and Shallow Hole arrived the place was dead with the exception of the back room being filled up by hashers and glow sticks. I got a very nice flashback of the 90’s rave hysteria, which in turn made me feel warm and nostalgic. The warm feeling would soon fade as it was a rather cool evening. The grill continued to fill up and soon mortals were invading our space, so our hare pair decided it was time to take off, but not before a bunch of lies were spewed at us. I swear I heard there was a going to be a liquor check, maybe I was just being hopeful.

It was so cold out the pack debated not doing trail and just heading straight for religion, but despite our knowing better, we followed trail. At least we TRIED to follow trail. When leaving Aloha we couldn’t even find true trail, turns out Rat Pussy was standing right on top of the true trail arrow so it took us a while to find it. We originally started down Portola but as it turns out, 18th was the way to go… or was it? We ran into a check at 18th and E Cliff that gave the hares a serious lead. There were upcapped falses in what seemed every direction. We finally found a small drop of flour stashed behind a telephone pole taking us farther east down E Cliff. Our next check was at Coastview, right before Corcoran Lagoon. We were all SURE the trail went up Coastveiw, nope! So back for some more on E Cliff until we hit 24th where there was another check. Myself and New Kids on my Cock went up 24th checking for trail, heard a whistle on E Cliff but decided to keep going down 24th, where we would eventually meet up with the pack again at Fresno & Baker, where there was another check. We wrapped back around to 26th and then took the asshole way (asshole way = being on Portola the whole way time) to beer near at Twin Lakes at the end of 14th.

Beer Near made up for the asshole way as our hares greeted us with a great spot to watch the wild, incoming tide and supplied us with LED balloons. They had one request as they handed us each a balloon, don’t leave it behind and especially don’t let it go into the ocean. Well, not 5 minutes later we see New Kids kicking his balloon towards the ocean, We are all shouting “be careful”, “come back here”, “don’t let that go in the ocean”. He hears us yelling, turns around and walks towards us, leaving his balloon in the tide, I thought Miss PCL was going to make him sit in the corner the way she went after him! Dung Fu went and saved the balloon, and likely a few ocean critters in the process.

We decided it was time to move onto religion. Shallow Hole and I had parked on Johans Beach Drive thinking we were at the right spot to access Sunny Cove. As we approached her vehicle we saw some old school car and both assumed it was the beer wagon. So we approach and realize, THOSE ARE NOT OUR FRIENDS INSIDE! We interrupted some teens getting high in their car, funny….. They were actually super nice and complimented all our glow gear and we apologized for shining our headlamps at their squinty eyes, Turns out the access to Sunny Cove for religion was over on Sunny Cove Drive, who would have ever figured that shit out?

So, as each of us descended the slimy and slippery stairs onto the beach Finger Nips watched each of us intently then decided she didn’t want to have surgery on her knee again and went home to have her own religion. She likely picked up some young, hot stud on the way, smart woman! Timmy!!! was nice enough to bring a fire pit and ran into Bacon Queef and Just Foot Pussy (who didn’t do trail but came to religion for the free beer) who helped him get it down the stairs onto the beach. He even brought kindling and a brand new long-stem lighter to safely light the fire. Unfortunately, Timmy!!! could not get the damn thing to work. He flicked it and flicked it and flicked it again, this man didn’t give up. PCL decided it was time for a woman to step in, she looked at the lighter and found that there was a plastic piece on the end that was preventing the flame from coming out. Yes! This should do the trick…. damn it, it’s still not working! I decide there needs to be three hashers trying to light the fire now, so I give it a shot. I discover that the flame control is set all the way down, pretty much in the off position, so I flick that on and alas, we got fire. So, it takes three hashers to get a fire going but each one played an important part in figuring that difficult shit out!

Finally, we can get onto religion, our RA for the evening was Dung Fu. New Kids was given a down-down for his balloon fiasco , Wicked and Pussy Wood were given down downs for missing beer check, our hare-pair and Timmy!!! were given down-downs for wearing matching LED caps given to them by Mrs. Timmy!!! for Christmas, Timmy!!! was given another down-down for not being able to properly use a lighter and Achy-Breaky Snatch was given a patch for her 25th Surf City hash!

Before we could leave though, we felt the need to light fire to the abandoned Christmas tree that someone left on the beach. It’s been a wetter year that the last few here in Santa Cruz so it didn’t quite go up in flames but rather just kind of glowed and sparkled. Dung Fu brought his fire staff and brought that out for us all the try, I think most of us were starting to freeze through the first few layers of skin so we were happy to just watch him perform for us. I have no idea where on-on-on was, so touch shit if you want details on that.

Tonight’s trail will be hared by Dung Fu and we will start at The Crepe Place on Soquel. You know the drill, show up a bout 6:30 and drink some beer. Dung Fu promises this will have an option to make it a slightly longer trail but that he will keep the shorter distance hashers happy too. Hope to see you there!

On-On,
Ho to Housewife

Trail 832 brought coast-side Surf City hashers over the hill and through the woods to inland Los Gatos for a joint with FHAC-U. Don’t get too excited if you missed it, we didn’t all smoke the peace pipe together, we simply drank, searched and ate together. The event was hosted at the home of FHAC-U’s Worm, who will likely never invite us again if he’s smart.

Trail was concocted by Surf City’s Accuprick and FHAC-U’s Drint-N-Squirt and was nothing more than a wiggly figure 8. Trail immediately went downhill, both figuratively and literally. As we were going downhill I literally said “Car Back” to dBASED and another hasher at least 6 times. They were so engrossed in conversation I had to run by them saying “there is still a car behind you” to get their attention. I don’t think it was my words that got their attention more than it was that I was passing them. This whole time, I thought it was only my husband that never hears a word I say.

We dropped down by a school and took a trail behind the field over into the neighborhoods behind downtown before hitting our first bar stop, The Black Watch where we all received a personal kamikaze. If you don’t know about The Black Watch, they are famous for their pitchers of kamikazes and it’s a cool, dirty bar with some dart boards in the back. After ruining ever mortal’s life with an absolutely horrible version of the 12 Days of Hashing we set out on trail again.

Trail took us right down the middle of downtown Los Gatos where Surf City hashers drunkenly ran the streets singing Shallow Hole’s “we don’t care” because we don’t live there and don’t know anyone! Our hares crossed back over their trail and took us for a pint at Carry Nation’s. With all this alcohol flowing shit is a little hazy but I’m pretty sure we sang Today is Monday before leaving these mortals stunned and repulsed.

The whole gang reconvened at Worm’s and started feasting in on the food everyone brought for the potluck. There was seriously so much food and I for one left with a slightly rounder tummy.

The hit of the evening was the gift exchange. If you weren’t there I’m sure you can imagine the plethora of dick, tit and ass themed presents brought by hashers. The gift that stole the show though, was the cock painted by PCL which went home with Just Foot Pussy and Bacon Queef. I cannot even begin to describe it in words, so thank goodness for Puff and his trusty camera.

On-On, may the hash go in peace

Trail 829 was held on a Friday this year, due to Thanksgiving. We all showed up WAY TOO EARLY at The Med in Aptos for a daylight trail. I saw crusty eyes, hungover faces and round bellies all from the day before. Why did we hash so effing early you ask? Because some hash animals were heading down to Paso Robles for North-South, a bi-annual hash event. Wait, does that mean twice a year or every other year? Whatever…. No one reads this shit anyway.

Hares Twisted Fister and Thmp-Thmp took off and the pack soon followed. They started us out on the tracks and then zig-zagging through the neighborshoods before dropping us down on Seacliff Beach by the RVs. There may have been an uncapped false, but I’m not pointing any fingers. Ok, I am… and there WERE uncapped falses. We stayed along the water, dodging tourists before going up the stairs right before crossing the bridge to Rio Del Mar.

Once at the top of the stairs, we were taken almost directly to Casa de Accuprick for beer near where we were fed hot peppers like candy and a little debauchery happened in the shed. If you didn’t make it into the shed, better luck next time asshole. Dog Breath was the only hasher dumb enough to pop a handful of peppers into his mouth, he was gifted an array of habaneros and serranos to light up his mouth, He quickly reached for a beer, but not before he turned bright red and almost puked.

We left Accu’s and headed to religion back behind The Med where our awesome near beer wagon was parked, courtesy of Deadliest Snatch and Rat Pussy. Since we normally hash in the evenings many of us had not seen, or noticed our old-school beer-mobile. Every hasher wanted to take their picture with that beast. Thank GOODNESS California does a smog check, I bet that thing barely passed!

Down-downs were given for stupid acts on trail. Of course, Dog Breath was awarded one for his pepper eating. We kept him up there for another down down for his 250th hash and he shared the spot light with PCL who celebrated her 150th Surf City hash. We also had two visitors, LCD PoundFist’em and Just Zach, from Portland, Maine.

A bunch of half-minds were in a hurry to get down south for the tapping of the kegs so we wrapped it up and sent them on their way.

Let’s relive Halloween one more time, because really… if you live in Santa Cruz County you’re obligated to love Halloween.

We started out at The Red, where the normal decor of the place would frighten most mortals. They threw a few more cobwebs onto the wall and a few pumpkins just to make people think this place isn’t oddly decorated year round. Hashers invaded and wearing some clever costumes I might add. Deadliest Snatch and Rat Pussy stole the show with their on point Ron Burgundy and Veronica Corningstone costumes. Steamy was a clever pothead, I know.. sounds weird…. and PCL’s ass lit up in her firefly costume. We had pirates and vampires and Tinkerbell too, just too many to name.

Our hares for the evening were Occasional Rapist and Shallow Hole, who dressed as two black cats, ready to stealthily evade the pack. Trail took us immediately onto Pacific, where we were on display in all of our stupidity and ridiculous costumes for mortals to run and hide their children from. Watch out mom and dad, you don’t want your kids to grow up to be a hasher. A check took us back down Walnut and across the backside of downtown before dropping us back down onto Mission. There was a check at the clock tower that took us over to River Street. We turned off on Mora, where LC was marked near the railroad tracks. I was with dBased and Dung Fu, looking up and down the tracks for LC, we had just about given up and we see Finger Nips getting out of her truck. She said she saw us, but thought dBased was a little boy at first. Well, we got our grapefruit tasting LC and then headed up the hill to a path that ran us to the pedestrian path at High St. where there was a boob check. I flashed Dung Fu and he punched the chain-link fence in excitement, then later drank a down down for blood on trail. We came down Storey and found Beer Check hosted at the home of Dirty Dolmas.

Once the entire pack trickled in, and it took a while…. we headed back to the parking garage across from The Red for religion. Steamy Ba-a-anorhea was named beer fairy, in honor of his very Santa Cruz pothead costume. Twat Did you Say and Silicon Valley H3’s Elvis were given down downs for not wearing costumes.Both Occasional Rapist and Electric Labia were given down downs for thinking I was wearing a Flash costume. I wonder if they figured out my costume yet. Shallow joined them because “when one hare drinks, all the hares drink”! Myself, Ho to Housewife, was given a down down for not going back to kick a check. Ya ya ya….. dBased was called for running 7 miles pre-hash and given a down down for that. Peddofiddler was in costume as a racist for Halloween so she was also given a down down. Wicked and Flip Flop on the Rocks were given down downs for being the first hashers to beer check. Woot woot FRBs! If you could mark those checks next time that would be great, thanks. Rewind back to the check I didn’t kick, Dung Fu went in the opposite direction of myself and dBased and ended up in the cemetary by Harvey West. He saw some people and thought that he saw the hares. Luckily he figured out it wasn’t them before he jumped out from behind a gravestone and scared them dead on the spot. We had several backsliders that night; Twisted Fister, The Human Pube, Steamy Ba-a-anorhea and Just Foot Pussy. All given down downs.

We even had a virgin for Halloween, it was like the Halloween spirits were spoiling us, giving us a virgin to sacrifice… but not before Virgin Skyler gave us girls a good flash! Ok, we will spare you… this time!

A crap ton of guys were given down downs for being visitors, Ron Burgundy and Veronica Corningstone, otherwise known as Rat Pussy and Deadliest Snatch won the cosume contest and given down downs as their awesome prize!

And lastly, but not least… the hares! We will never forgive that they ran out of beer, but we will drink with them anyway!

May the Hash Go in Peace!

Initially I was excited about Trail 814 since I really only had to travel a mile down the road to get there, then I showed up and did trail. Incredibly wet & shitty!

The pack met up at The Hop Head, the only place in Scotts Valley you can get decent beer, Hares Twisted Fister, The Human Pube and Monthly Friend told us lies, like more lies than they normally tell then took off like their parole officer just walked in.

The pack drank more beer then decided it might be a good idea to do trail, boy were we wrong! We should have just stayed at the DRY bar. Upon leaving the Hop Head trail took us across Scotts Valley Drive and through the Granite Creek Business Park, exiting us onto San Augustine Way then dropping us back down to Scotts Valley Drive via Grace Way and Willis Rd. Scotts Valley Drive is about the most BORING and busiest street in Scotts Valley, sounds like a great place to take people…. for what seemed like 5 miles before giving us a liquor check in the back parking lot of Bailey’s Properties where we were hosted Irish Car Bombs.

Trail leaving liquor check went straight into Carbonera Creek for eagles and across the bridge and parallel to the creek for turkeys. Dung Fu and myself were the only two brave enough to do the eagle trail so I can only share my experience there. We shared berries that were likely pissed on by some random and were practically swimming at some points. Dung Fu had to rescue me from the tendrils of a blackberry plant that grossly interfered with trail. We apparently missed the exit and had to jump the fence into an RV park. We ended up back on SV Drive and were able to pick up trail again. Our swim took so long all turkeys had finsihed and a search and rescue hash team was sent out for us. Ya, hashers saving us… hmmmm…. I think they might be better at the “point and laugh” gig.

We held religion in the parking lot of dBASED’s work again. Accuprink decided to actually show up and was our RA, Cum Fart Zone was out beer fairy. As religion was started someone spotted Waxi Pad slipping in for free beer, he wasn’t there at start of trail. He even brought beer mop along for a visit.

We celebrated Puff the Magic Drag Queen’s 800th time of having the runs, and Shallow Hole trying to catch up with 200 times. We had a virgin someone fooled into coming to the hash, Virgin Julie, who told us a joke. Heard it! We also had a hare snare! Fap Jack and Banana Basher snared The Human Pube on SV Drive. Nice! After a few more down-downs we made our way over to The Hop Head for on-after.

Oh yes, you guys all forgot about trail 812 when poking fun at the scribes…. but don’t fear…. I remembered, and now you shall remember with me.

We started at Woodstock’s Pizza downtown on Front St where we stood way to close to someone’s sweet 16 party and had to migrate away from them to not get parole violations for several of our hashers.

Hares Pink Cheery Liquor and Fap Jack ran off jabbering lies that no one was listening to anyway.

Trail started out taking us down river then crossing us over the SL River on Soquel, where we took a left on Dakota, heading for Gangster… I mean San Lorenzo.. Park. We all made it alive through the park then ran smack into a YBF behind the courthouse. I’m sure we weren’t the only ones who have been in that area thinking how fucked we are. Turns out trail actually went behind Mahajara, the Indian restaurant on Soquel and Riverside where we took the levee trail over to Broadway/Laurel. Going back over the bridge on Laurel towards downtown we had not just a boob check, but a dick check right behind that. We wrapped around the back of downtown on Center then zig-zagged our way to beer near, held on the second floor of the parking garage behind Wells Fargo.

We headed up to the top floor of the parking garage for religion, where we invaded the weekly fencing activities of some Santa Cruz Merry Men and let us not forget the one merry woman who perhaps was not so happy to see us. Who could blame her though when one of us drunkenly punted a bottled water into their area 🙁

Cum Fart Zone was elected as beer fairy, Broke Bench Climbed and jumped off walls, DungFu broke his sunglasses and we learned that Tits N’ Game let us all know it hurts her knees to go down. She was talking about running you pervs….

We also celebrated some odd things. Timmy has had the runs something like 475 times, Hugh Heifer has had them 375 times and Cums out her Nose has had them 225 times. I’m not sure what you guys are eating but maybe less fiber will help? We also celebrated Princess Diarrhea’s 25 hares… girl, it’s called Animal Hording and it’s a real problem. I know people who can help you,

We also had 2 virgins, both compliments of Tits N’ Game! She did a fine job with her virgins as we got flashes from both!

We called up a bunch of other people for a bunch of other crimes too but you can look at the pictures and find out what those are. I have several other hashes to scribe and I don’t want to use up all my funnies too early 🙂