SHIT! Yep, that about says it all about this evening. Hares Occasional Rapist and dBASED got a hare-brained idea to drag us out ocean side on one of the coldest nights of the year. Hashers gathered cliff side in La Selva Beach, a (previously) quiet little town. As soon as the hares left, the rest of the pack was of course up to no good. Pink Cherry Liquor brought along some “creative” versed decals. She wanted to put “vagina” on the cooler, but it wouldn’t stick. Instead, she left dBASED a little note on his vehicle letting him know we already knew what trail was going to be like, “SHIT”!

The pack, almost frozen in place by now, soon took off onto trail. The hares showed us everything La Selva has to offer, which isn’t much. A church, a post office and a corner store. Other than the guy who runs the store, I’m pretty sure we were the only ones out that night. Only the promise of money or beer could get anyone out in this weather.

The FRB’s stumbled across liquor check and found a bottle of peppermint schnapps with the bottle cap broken off, leaving sharp, jagged plastic edges for us to cut our mouths open on. Oh boy, what a treat!

After a series of speed bumps and a butt and thigh load of hills we finally got to beer check, which was at the La Selva Community Church, a parking lot we were taken through earlier on trail. Although starting to freeze again, hashers happily drank their cold brews.

Religion took place back at the starting point, where we tried to keep ourselves warm by putting on more layers and dancing around to the songs the nice lady in our head sings to us. Dung Fu was RA and elected Finger Nips as beer fairy. They got going quickly and first up was the part of the pack that missed liquor check.

What was close to half of the group, Fap Jack, Pink Cherry Licker, Princess Di(arrhea) and Thmp-Thmp  all somehow missed LC, but they did save themselves the mouth trauma inflicted by the broken bottle top.

Fap Jack told us some sad story about how he works too much, and he tried to apologize for letting a little thing like work interfere with his hashing. It might take some of those rosemary fries to get us to really forgive you.

We shamed dBASED for having his 625 analversary with Surf City. Seriously dude, get a life.

And the hares! Occasional and dBASED were taunted and hissed at by frozen hashers who had just completed a trail that was, you guessed it, “SHIT”!

Hash # 776 started at the comfy abode of Occassional Rapist and dBASED where they decorated us with glitter and sparkle galore to make sure we were decked out for their Picture Hash. A few backsliders decided to show their faces, since it was the holidays and all. We were “blessed” with the company of Snapping Twat, Tiny Wanker and Dog Breath; all of which clearly had to be pulled away from whatever “better” things they normally partake in on Thursday nights.

Before taking off, hares Occassional and dBASED and Hot Wheels gave some confusing directions and ended it with “you’ll figure it out”. Apparently they forgot what half-minds we are. Lots of questions went un-answered and then they took off…. in their cars….

The first photo we received was of a place right across the street where everyone parked, where we were quicly brought up onto AJ’s Natural Foods on Soquel before heading over to the Cabrillo Campus. It was a chilly evening right before the holiday break but the campus was still hopping with students finishing up finals and professors slipping out to their cars to entertain themselves with holiday libations.

Once on the Cabrillo Campus we got a nice tour of the flat side of campus, visiting the Senson House then a trip over to the recietal hall, where everyone got frowny faces when we opened up the paper and it was the horticulture center. Thmp-thmp pointed up to some very tiny lights on the top of a very large hill….. On up half-minds. We weaved through the campus and climbed stairs and hills on our way to the Horticulture Center, telling each other this MUST be where the liquor check is. It would be cruel of the hares to send us up this big hill and not reward us. As we reached the top, we see Hot Wheels smiling at us and simply hands us the next picture… no mention of a LC anywhere. Since we were kind of winded from coming up the hill we decided to wait for some of the other hashers to join us, before headed right back down the hill.

Once the hares had given us the full Cabrillo tour, complete with the Sheriff’s Office (which I’m shocked more of you wankers didn’t know the location of from all your debauchery) we were lead over to Bangkok West for beer near. While we socialized we noticed a few hashers joined us on trail that weren’t there at the start. Pink Cherry Liquor and Fap Jack decided to try to get some free drinks in them at PCL’s holiday party before joining the hash. Dung Fu showed up somewhere along trail with his bicycle in tote… which was later thrown in the hedges by Dog Breath. After a quick beer we all headed back to Occassional and dBASED’s place for a warm religon.

Snapping Twat was elected as beer fairy by Accuprick and soon the festivities were underway. First order of business was to discuss the growing black slime in the religion chalices. TIMMY was going by that old theory that alcohol kills anything and decided it would be OK not to rinse them after use. He was obviously given a down-down for his lack of housekeeping skills.
Late arrivers Dung Fu, PCL and Fap Jack were all given down-downs for their tardiness and Dog Breath for hiding Dung Fu’s bike in the hedges.

Princess Di(arrhea) celebrated her 150th hash analversary with her joyous expression of excitement “balls deep!”.

Myself, Ho to Housewife, and Hugh Heifer did a simultaneous down-down. Hugh was punished for bailing early on us and myself for loving on my chicken puppet.

Last order of official business was to name Just Randy. Now, many of you may remember this jolly fellow who returned to us a few weeks ago after a rough first hash he had back in July. He was introduced to the hash by Wicked Retahted and of course, given very little info. “You know man, we just walk around and drink…” is how I envision it went. Well, what local would do this in anything other than flip flops? And this is how Just Randy showed up to his first hash, which crossed rocks and railroads. Needless to say, he needed months to heal from that trauma and came back for more. After debating between “wicked made me cum” and “flip flop on the rocks”, Just Randy was voted to be called “Flip Flop on the Rocks”

The pig bowl had a little extra beer after all business was attended to, so Dog Breath was brought up as the biggest pig of the group to drink up the mess.

And the hares! Our generous hares Occassional Rapist, dBASED and Hot Wheels (who ducked out of photos with great timing) were shamed for the campus tour, sheriff station visit and lack of liquor check on trail.

On On,

Ho To Housewife

Hash # 773 started at Beer Thirty, which was nice enough to open up their doors 30 minutes early for us hashers who couldn’t wait until noon to get their beer on.

First order of business as a usual hash is to pay the man, unless of course he forgets all about the money he owes you! Puff is getting pretty forgetful and forgot my hash cash from the week before. A very backwards situation here where the man who usually collects the money owes the ho money. I might need to get Puff a fancy pimp hat!

After getting a beer it was mingling time and I immediately stumbled upon a conversation where Summer’s Yeast was calling out her (first) husband, Stub Rub, for beastiality with their dog. Yes folks, you read that right! Stub Rub tried to convince us he was just giving the dog a bath and it just got too excited but we weren’t believing any of it. Notice the hand gesture he is using in the photo above to describe what happened. Twisted Fister was getting a little nervous the Virgins were going to be scared off by this conversation but after what we saw at religion from one of these virgins I’m not sure much would put them off. Even Thmp-Thmp tried to confuse them with Chalk Talk, but they stuck around!

After that conversation everyone was ready to circle up and head out on trail. We were promised shopping on trail, which I never found. I guess that’s not a bad thing since Puff forgot my money 🙂 You know there’s interest on that, right Puff?

One thing that all the hashers DID find was the shittily located YBF up a hill next to highway 1. All of us half-minds climbed the side of the hill and ducked under the cyclone fence only to be told “turn around suckers”, which we tried to quickly do before the PO PO spotted us on the side of the freeway. Drivers seemed to be locked into their destination of Black Friday shopping so we got very few honks and waves, despite our behavior.

Thankfully the hares kindly put the LC a short distance away from the YBF, so we quickly forgot about the YBF and swapped spit like it’s not the middle of cold and flu season. We were filled with Fireball, which we hypothesized would kill any germs. News guys, this didn’t work and I am now sick!

We eventually descended into the Safeway parking lot on Bay and started heading back towards out start location. There were a few of us that weren’t that familiar with the area as FRB’s; visitors Little Dick Arnold & Just Robbed and myself. We soon found ourselves an arrow pointing us what I believe was Hill St and so the three of us go dashing to the top, only to realize we are back on the original trail. We ran back down to Bay & mysteriously a HUGE true trail arrow has appeared where it wasn’t before, leading us to beer check. The hares won’t admit it but I’m sure they heard us coming & hid until we passed. Sneaky sneaky little hares!

Timmy!!! stood in as RA since Accu and Dung Fu were nowhere to be found and elected Arabian Goggler as his loyal beer fairy. Worm was quickly called out for being a racist & given a down-down with a less than enthusiastic song to go along. I’m not sure what was wrong with our vocal chords, but it seems they were all defunct after a day for binging and drinking the day before. Has so much gluttony consumed the other half of our minds? Quite possibly so!

We had a few visitors to pay dis-honor to as well. Just Robbed, the LAH3 GM, Litle Dick Arnold out of Can’d and Just John from Shenandoah.Valley. It had been like 25 years since Just John’s first hash, he struggled with the impending addiction for 25 years before finally giving in again

Next order of bid-ness was to get those virgins up in front of us. Just Foot Pussy made them both cum (nice one!), although Virgin Brian tried to convince us that he made himself cum! First we targeted Virgin Cody, who I’m pretty sure told a joke, or maybe it was a song? I can’t seem to get it straight since all I can remember is Virgin Brian’s introduction to us. He told us he was going to sign a song. Now, this is a song not everyone has heard but was easy to sing along to as the only lyrics were “Cowboy Butt Sex”, sang randomly as he performed drills of jumping jacks and push ups for us. I believe we got a joke, a song and a flash out of Virgin Brian. I later heard Thmp-Thmp tell him that if he gives us $24 we will name him now. I don’t think it would take very long to figure out this guy’s name 🙂

We had some honoring to do (if that’s what you call it). OccasionaL Rapist was awarded for her 175th hash and Timmy!!! for his 450th hash! Get a life guys! On the note of analversaries, I would like to make a correction to one of my earlier scribes. I mis-reported Pink Cherry Licker (liquor) as completing her 25th hash (which I should have known seemed incorrect), when she was truly celebrating her 25th consecutive hash. More of my errors are coming…

Timmy!!! Next called for crimes on trail for which I immediately tried to call out Little Dick Arnold for peeing on trail, which apparently isn’t a crime! My bad! As the pack starts to sing me “El Camino” for my down-down of stupidity, Just Foot Pussy loudly sings the words wrong and is invited to come drink a down-down with me 🙂

We finally named Just Cairra! If you remember, we tried to name her at a previous hash, but were too brain-dead to come up with anything and tabled it…. for several weeks. Alas, Just Cairra returned! She said something about not being able to cum for so long because of her job…. sounds like an unhealthy work environment girl! After a little interogation PCL took her away and we threw out some good names but it was quickly narrowed down to ‘Liquor Creek’ due to her job & living location and ‘project Cumway’ due to her liking to get it on down on the runway! The pack went with Project Cumway.

And the hares! Occasional Rapist and Cuff My Muff were taunted for trail being too bright, not enough shopping and hiding from the FRB’s but that didn’t stop them from gloating & looking at us like the pathetic group of complainers we are (photo proof above).

Once all matters were attended to, the pack went back to Beer Thirty for On On On were shit got political before moving the party to a fry-fest at Just Foot Pussy & Bacon Queef’s house.

On On,

Ho to Housewife

Hash 771 brought tears to our eyes, blood to our skin and fright to our spirits, but no smiles to our faces!

We met at The Blue in Seabright, which some of you may remember as the place we re-located to after Thmp-Thmp failed to coerce the POPO into letting us stay at the Museum of Natural History park. I guess age changes everything, as he somehow got Princess to marry him years ago.

The bar was full of hashers, literally, we were the only ones there. Our bartender was on a break from his nation-wide Phish phollowing and I’m sure was glad to see us and make a little bit of money on a lonely Thursday night. Seems he was working a side job to cover his financial shortages as there was a large delivery of happy birthday balloons while we were there. Nitrous anyone?

While mingling I met a few new(ish) faces. We had the return of Just Randy, a joyous fellow who apparently did his first hash in flip flops. He decided to tone it down a bit last week and went fashion forward in some nifty hiking boots. Let me tell you though, I think this guy would have a great time no matter what he is doing or wearing. We also had two visitors join us. Wino joined us from The Hague Hash (Den Haag) and also Mr Wiggley from the Can’d Hash. I didn’t see Wino much on trail, I suspect he took a couple wine breaks with some of the local SC homeless crowds. Mr Wiggley was an FRB for most of trail, helping us solve checks… or was he? Once the mingling was done the pack circled up then took off on trail to hunt down hares Thmp-Thmp & Twisted Fister.

Trail seemed to be all fine and dandy, even with the rain the night before, until you had checks that led you into long, dirt alleys and were quite spooky. I was trying to solve one check and was so spooked I may have called it quits a bit early on the search and sprinted back to the pack. All worked out and I left the alley checks to braver souls. This ended up being a bad idea as Dung Fu was certain he solved a check and convinced us all to follow him. I saw him paused down at the bottom of the harbor watching myself and Shallow Hole come down, I thought this was the Hariette check hares Thmp-Thmp & Twisted Fister told us about before laying trail. Nope! It was a YBF! Dung Fu said everything on the hash is a team effort so he wanted us to have a full experience by running down then right back up the hill. Thanks Dung Fu, we appreciate you being a team player!

We did finally find the Hariette check, and it was solved by none other than our most notorious racist of all, Shallow Hole. dBASED did try to speed things up a bit and I think I saw him trying to fashion his long sleeve shirt into a running skirt to help solve this check. Thanks for going down that alley for me, Shallow, you are a brave woman!

As trail wrapped up we were running through a quiet little Seabright neighborhood and heard a man yelling out from his house “trail goes through Oceanview Park”, no idea who this man was but I’m glad we didn’t listen to him too much as I don’t recall trail ever passing through there. I think this was a clever plant by our hares to buy themselves some more time. Sorry guys!

Finally, we rounded the corner to beer check. I’m still not sure who’s house we were at and for the majority of our visit I thought it was Casa de Puff. Someone may have made a comment about a previous hasher, Drop N’ Blow Me, setting up this beer near location. For those who don’t know it, and to keep my ramblings as short as possible, I will let you find out those stories on your own.

After downing our beers we then progressed on over to Casa de Puff, who shares his home with Dung Fu and Sascha the cat.

As soon as we arrived at Puff’s the stoner crowd quickly took off for the garage and could be seen huddling around one another. What a loving little group 🙂 First order of business was choosing beer fairy and once again it was Just Foot Pussy. Am I seeing a trend here? That tiara is starting to look like normal attire on this guy, very fancy.

Those of us who made it to AGM were gifted “blow me” whistles on a convenient lanyard by Princess & Thmp-Thmp, so there was no excuse for not having one this week. Those who didn’t have them were brought up and given their down-downs. The guilty included Fucked Over Fest, Occasional Rapist, Wino, Wicked, Dung Fu, Mr Wiggley & The Human Pube. If you didn’t get one at AGM I believe they are selling them for $5 a pop. Just Randy was first in line to get his whistle, although I don’t think this man would mind getting called up for a down-down 🙂

Our guests had a little treat for us, Mr Wiggley told us a joke about a blind prostitute and Wino had us join him in singing ‘Swing Low, Sweet Chariot’. Dung Fu tried to welcome them with his own song and all he got back from the pack were distorted, blank faces. That was a pretty shitty song.

Next up was breaking in our fresh blood, Virgin John, who sleeps with Just Foot Pussy. We weren’t sure where Bacon Queef fit into this equation and she wasn’t there to tell us herself so we have all made up our version of the truth in our heads. He told us a funny little joke which touted his 10 inch weenie. Ummm, why not the flash then? This man is all bark and no bite! I did run into him the next day at Salsa’s in Scotts Valley, turns out he is a vegetarian but I was of course very pleased to hear him ordering a vegan lunch 🙂 He says he will be back this week, let’s see if he’s a liar or not 🙂

Lots of crimes on trail it seems! Dog Breath and Cumcerto were brought up to tell us the story of the mud wrestling they did on the railroad tracks. I don’t think Cumcerto will be wearing white to another hash anytime soon, at least not when Dog Breath is present. You know how dirty those dogs get!

Turns out Wicked wasn’t present for his Biggest Wanker award the week before so he received it this week. Thanks for sticking around with us Wicked, I know you probably left AGM because you are way to refined for us once we start drinking 🙂

Shallow Hole was called out for texting Thmp-Thmp about trail distance. That racist woman needs to get all her miles in, at any cost. Dung Fu tried to race down a car full of hashers and went splat on the sidewalk when he didn’t see a driveway dip. He seems to be healing just fine. As we were singing a nice, clean hash song to them a little girl came out from the neighbor’s house. I heard Puff praying that she would not go to school singing the new songs she learned that night. This is Santa Cruz, she could probably teach us a song or two.

Just Foot Pussy is still recovering from his motorcycle crash and was grabbing his ass the entire way on trail. I ran past him at one point and he said he was going to catch up. Not this week Foot Pussy, not this week, but you get an F for effort.

There were two special analversaries, Fap Jack celebrated his 50th hash and Pink Cherry Licker (who prefers to be called Pink Cherry Liquor) celebrated her 25th hash. Wonder what they did to celebrate when they got home? Let’s not forget that Fap Jack got called out by the pack for using technology on trail and giving directions to PCL.

TIMMY!!! was celebrated as the new beermesiter, Hugh is very happy with her retirement from the position after 3-5 years of amazing service. No one really knew how long she had been doing it, half-minds!

Last order of bid-ness were a few annoucements! dBASED and Occasional Rapist will be haring the Can’d hash this weekend, Nov 22nd in Ft Ord. They touted that it would be only $5 and there would be lots of titties. What a deal!

This week, trail will start at Coaster’s Bar & Grill across from the Boardwalk (this is the bar inside the bowling alley). Be warned that you WILL need a flashlight, it’s seriously in your best interest. Forecast also predicts rain. Come prepared for a trail laid by Dung Fu & yours truly.

On On,

Ho to Housewife