This week, Hugh Heifer brought the pack to Callahan’s.  This was my first time in the joint.   There are some dive bars in Santa Cruz that are even too low life for hashers , and I figured there must be some reason why we never frequent this place.  It wasn’t as bad as I expected.  The chick tending bar was super friendly and we got served quickly.  There were rumors this place had a stripper pole at one time, and certain hashers were the reason they decided to get rid of it.  The ladies room was a shit hole, but you can get a “love kit” for 50 cents!  Damn!  I didn’t have any change!

Hugh somehow persuaded Dung Fu Grip to be her Co-Hare, AKA her Back Check Bitch.  I’m sure there was some bribery involved.  After the Hares left, some hashers amused themselves by straddling the saddle and playing rodeo cowboy. 

The pack headed out and followed the flour across Ocean St, through the courthouse parking lot to San Lorenzo Park.  I was the lone FRB at that point and some concerned homeless folks spotted me searching around for flour and asked if I was ok.   This took me off guard, since it seems more likely for them to ask me for spare change or if I want to get high.  There was a check on the river levee and the rest of the pack caught up with me.   Trail continued past the Warrior Arena, up the stairs to Beach Hill and down to the Boardwalk, over the train trestle, left on East Cliff Drive.  We crossed through a field and found beer check at Hugh’s friend Jim’s house on Pearl St.  Hugh really has a way with men!  This guy let us invade his yard, use his bathroom and cooked us a bunch of food!  Trail was 3.33 miles according to Occasional Rapist’s GPS.

Religion was in the medical office complex across the street from the bar.  Accuprick was RA, and Occasional Rapist was Beer Fairy.  Dirty Dolmas and Twat did you Say? were punished for short cutting trail.  Wicked Retahted was called up for doing reverse cowgirls on the saddle at the bar.  Ralph Crammed-In was punished as a backslider and for being so damned skinny.  Yours truly, Shallow Hole, was also punished for being a backslider since I missed 2 weeks while traveling.  Pink Cherry Licker made accusations of shitty markings on trail.  There was also an accusation of an assassination attempt by dog leash.  Twat did you Say?  got tangled up in Nippleless Butt’s leash.  dBASED accused her of not running fast enough.  Twisted Fister was accused of being a wino drinking on the railroad tracks.  See what hashing will do to you?  Phyllis Driller was not seen on trail, but showed up at the end.  Accuprick thanked Jim, or beer check host.  Hugh made him cum!  He said he was from Surf City, NJ.  It’s a town on Long Beach Island.  It’s a cool place.  My friends and I rented a house there for vacation many years ago and we tripped out on the beach.

dBASED was congratulated on his 575^th hash!  He was ecstatic.  Can’t you see the excitement on his face?  And last but not least, the Hares………………….

See all you Wankers on Thursday at Salsa’s on Mt Hermon Road in Scotts Valley.  The place was formally known as KFC.

On On,

Shallow Hole

This week, Twisted Fister, New Kids on my Cock and Achy Breaky Snatch summoned the pack to Kouboi in Aptos.   Hashers know this place as the old Britannia Arms, which closed and reopened as a sushi place.  Note to self.  Next time order the $3 Japanese beer instead of the 8 ounce glass of Belgian beer for $8.30.  I knew it was a bad sign when I heard that the last time New Kids on my Cock hared a trail was in 2006.  Achy Breaky Snatch was probably sill in elementary school.  Now she’s all growed up and haring her first trail!  Her family must be so proud!   The last time Twisted Fister hared a trail he was stoned.   The Hares said there would be a beer, liquor and a turkey eagle split.

Second Cuming showed up.  Pink Cherry Licker and Just Shane brought Virgin Adam.  He fit in pretty well sporting a moose antler cap.  Despite sightings of Justin Bieber and Selena Gomez in Aptos this week, they did not show up at the hash.  I heard the idiot got arrested for throwing eggs at his neighbor’s house.   We used to throw eggs and toilet paper the neighbor’s house and never got caught.  The best part is he got caught by his own security cameras.  More proof that you don’t need brains to be in the music business.

The pack was reluctant to leave the bar, but set out looking for flour.   The trail went through the parking lot, past Aptos BBQ, and then the pack found themselves on the railroad tracks.  There was a pretty long stretch of tracks, but we were rewarded with the first liquor check at Princess and Thmp-Thmp’s house.  The Hares left a large bottle of tequila, bag of limes and salt.  After a shot or two, we continued on trail through the golf course.  We ran through some nice neighborhoods, then down to the beach.  Trail continued on the beach, along the sea wall to Rio Del Mar.

The pack was treated to a second check, sushi/liquor at Achy Breaky’s house.   Trail continued through Rio del Mar and up Rio del Mar Boulevard to the final check, a beer check under a bridge.  

It was a long one!  Occasional Rapist’s GPS said the turkey trail was 4.72 miles!  The Eagle was about 5 1/2 – 6 miles.  I’m not sure, because I was having technical difficulties with my GPS watch.   Some whiners (Puff) complained about getting sand in their shoes.  Let’s have a pity party!   I can think of a lot worse things like getting sand in your privates, stepping in dog shit, or sewer water.  I had a drunk girl throw up on my shoe at a Dead show once.   That really sucked!

Religion was in back of Kaoboi.  Accuprick was RA and named Second Cuming as Beer Fairy.  She said she is back from a 13 year stent in Africa.  A few hashers were called up for bitching and whining about the length of the trail.  Pink Cherry Licker was given a down down for proclaiming she was FRB and “won the hash.”   Cumcerto was called up for saying that “absinthe makes her horny.”  DFL’s Just Shane and Virgin Adam finally showed up in classic hasher fashion, stumbling down the hill each carrying a bottle of liquor.  They got lost and ended up on the eagle trail.  Just Shane made Virgin Adam cum, and he told a lame joke.

It was Just Shane’s 5^th Surf City Hash and he was up for naming.  He used to flip pancakes for a living.  Dung Fu Grip came up with the name Fap Jack.  Fapping is a new term that means the sound made when jerking off.   It’s in the Urban Dictionary.  I checked.  We actually had a second naming.  I’m not sure if this ever happened in Surf City history, but the pack named a Virgin!  Virgin Adam was named Moose Turd Pie.  He was wearing moose antlers and mouthing off too much.  Welcome to the hash!  We’ll see if he ever shows his face again.

If that wasn’t enough excitement for the night, New Kids on my Cock celebrated his 100^th Surf City hash!  It only took him 11 fucking years!  Yours truly celebrated her 125^th hash.  It only took me 3 years.  My first hash was January 20, 2011.  Memories……  Get a life, get a life, get a life, life, life!

And last but not least, the Hares……………………………………….

On On,

Shallow Hole

The Anal dBASED Family Christmas Picture Hash

When dBASED made the trail announcement for this week, the cold hearted bastard told everybody to come to his house and meet in the back yard.  Occasional Rapist has a heart, and sent out a second trail announcement inviting everyone inside the house where it was nice and warm.   Thank you Occasional!  Once a year, instead of the Hares laying a trail of flour and chalk, Surf City H3 does a picture hash.  The Hares give the pack a picture of a location, and the pack has to go to that location, find a Hare to get another picture of where they have to go next.  dBASED, Occasional Rapist, Hot Wheels and Cuff my Muff were the Hares.  Little Spit declined to participate this year.  Hot Wheels now has a driver’s license, but still has 4 years to go until he reaches drinking age.   However, he can now be a designated driver!   Whoo Hoo!  Maybe to help pay for college he could start a little taxi service to shuttle around drunken hashers.

The first picture was across the street at Women Care, the organization that the hash supports for Red Dress.  The trail lead the pack on a 3 mile trail that visited a couple of Quickie Marts, churches, Caress Day Spa, a couple of Trailer Courts and had a great beer check at Sante Adairius Rustic Ales Brewery.   The second beer check was at the dentist’s office parking lot near the start.   I was trying to ponder if there was a theme to this year’s picture hash.  The only thing I could come up with since the hares are newlyweds, one possible theme could be:  Take care of your woman, throw in a few quickies, sensual massage, drink lots of beer, repent in church and go to the dentist so you don’t have rotten teeth.  Who the fuck wants to kiss someone with rotten teeth?

Religion was held back at the ranch in the back yard and presided by Accuprick.  He nominated Achy Breaky Snatch his lovely Beer Fairy.  First down down went to everyone who wore stripes.  Canadian Penny Slut, Pink Cherry Licker, Princess Di(arrhea), Thmp-Thmp, Occasional Rapist, and yours truly.  I got the next down down for bringing Christmas cookies to the hash.  Hugh Heifer drank for being involved in a dog fight.  She is pet sitting another hasher’s dog, Zoe, who picked a fight with the sheriff’s dog!  Way to go for “slowing down the man”.  Nippless Butt was also hashing, but he was a good boy and didn’t get into any trouble.   Pink Cherry Licker accused dBASED for screwing up the rhythm of the song Face down, ass up, etc.  She schooled him on how to sing the word “cousin”.  She was then commended on her kick ass poetic hash trash last week.  See, there was a reason we chose her to be part of our threesome!  Fucked Over Fest was punished for using his phone in the circle.  He was bragging how he ran 2.5 miles to the hash, but was on the phone trying to get a ride home form some ho bag.  Accuprick was trying to probe him about the chick.  He described her hair as “brown like a fence” and her carpet matches her drapes.  Wow, now that’s a romantic guy!  No wonder the bastard is single!  Hugh Heifer was punished for auto hashing.  She bummed a ride off dBASED.  dBASED also drank for almost forgetting to pay the tab at the brewery.  And last but not least, the Hares……………………

The pack was then treated to some yummy warm chili afterwards!  Thank you Occasional Rapist!

Next week’s hash will be at the Nasty Asti.  Dung Fu Grip came up with a nasty theme of Krampus.  I googled it.  Here he is.  He’s a scary mother fucker!

In German folklore, Krampus is like bad Santa.  It’s a beast-like demon creature that punishes all the bad children who were naughty and carries them away in his sack to the underworld.    So now we know why German children are so well behaved.  Their scared shitless of getting a whipping for being naughty by Krampus.  Anyway, dress in something nasty, mean or ugly and the hash is supposed to go through town scaring people.  Sorry I’m going to miss out!

Merry Hashmus and have a Drunken New Year!

I’m from Scranton, Pennsylvania.  Scranton is known for coal mining, The Office, Joe Biden and Jason Miller (That Championship Season).  People talk with what’s called a “coal cracker accent”.    So Jeeze God!  For Christ sake!   Drink a couple, two, tree beers and have a great holiday.  I’ll be eating Mom’s ravioli and drinking $2 Yuengling Lager at the corner bar.

On On,

Shallow Hole

Black Friday Turkey Trot Hash and Prelube to North South Intercourse

Since Puff didn’t post any hash flash yet, this is a photo of a free range turkey spotted in a park on Staten Island, NY.  No turkeys were harmed in this hash trash.

Thanksgiving is supposed to be a time of giving thanks.  La di da!  Aren’t we supposed to be thankful the rest of the year?  The PC story of Thanksgiving tells us how the pilgrims came to the New World, made friends with the Native Americans and had a big dinner to celebrate.  That’s what Pink Cherry Licker teaches those innocent little children in school.  And what happened next?   Well they don’t mention the nasty part of the story.  The pilgrims gave the Indians small pox, murdered a bunch of them and drove the rest off of their land.   Indian reservations were not set up to be like Disneyland!  Well at least the poor bastards now have casinos!

There’s only one Thursday of the year that Surf City H3 does not hash, and that would be Thanksgiving.  Hashers make the sacrifice to be with their families on that day.  It’s a holiday of eating like pigs and watching football.  Some hashers probably consume more alcohol than usual on Thanksgiving to help tolerate their dysfunctional families.   I like to think of the hash is like the dysfunctional family you CHOOSE to hang around with.

A sizable pack decided to forgo Black Friday shopping at the mall and headed straight to the Mediterranean in Aptos.   Beer is the breakfast of champions.  Some hashers opted for mimosas with el cheapo champagne.  We had 2 Virgins.  Pink Cherry Licker brought Virgin Shane.  Welcome to the family!  Virgin James showed up because he googled running groups and found us.  LOL.  Deep Stroke was in town and needed alcohol to get through her Mommy and Me time.  Banana Basher showed up with his lovely wife, Bailas con Burros.  Princess Di (arrhea) was our sacrificial turkey and agreed to lead the pack on a short pick up hash.  So she took off, we gave her a 5 minute head start.  Whoever was FRB and caught her would have to become the hare and continue the trail, following her map.

Dung Fu Grip caught Princess at the picnic area at Seacliff State Beach.  I’m not sure whether we gave him the full 5 minute head start or not.  The evil bastard headed up the 100+ stairs.  Deep Stroke and I spotted him when we reached the top of the stairs.  He took off running like Chariots of Fire across the field.  We were in hot pursuit, when Cuff my Muff and Banana Basher cut him off at the pass!  They shortcutted to avoid the stairs and caught the hare.   Cuff my Muff took over and was the third hare.  The pack seemed to lose trail at a check on Seacliff Drive.  Achy Breaky Snatch said she saw a road off to the right, and sure enough, trail continued on Sea Terrace Way to beer check at the end of the road.  Trail was < 2 miles.

Religion was in back of the Med.    Cuff my Muff was RA, and Banana Basher was appointed Beer Fairy.  Backsliders were called up first.  Bailas con Burros, Daddy War Bucks, Little Wrinkled Fanny, Little Anal Annie, Achy Breaky Snatch, Ralph-U-Crammed-In, and Deep Stroke were welcomed back to the hash. Deep Stroke exclaimed that the warm Hamms beer tasted just as nasty as she remembered.  Next were Analversaries.  Deep Stroke celebrated her 75^th Surf City Hash and TIMMY!!! Celebrated his 400^th hash!  Get a life!  There were a few crimes on trail.  Accuprick was punished for not doing trail.  Cuff my Muff and Banana Basher shortcutted trail to catch Dung Fu Grip.  Dung Fu also drank for his Chariots of Fire sprint across the field trying to avoid being caught.  The Human Pube drank for not knowing a hash song.  Virgin Shane said Pink Cherry Licker made him cum!  Lucky guy!  He told a lame joke.  Virgin James said Lady Ga Ga made him cum.  He found the hash on the internet.  He also told a lame joke.  Thmp-Thmp drank for posting porn on the internet that made him cum!

Hashers going to North South were called up for send off a down down.  Dung Fu Grip, Hugh Heifer, Puff the Magic Drag Queen, Pink cherry Licker, Princess di (arrhea), Thmp-Thmp, Twister Fister and twat did you say were headed to SLO for a weekend of debauchery.  The hash sang sad renditions of Happy Birthday to The Human Pube and Ralph-U-Crammed-In.  Just Ciarra showed up at religion.   Apparently she’s been doing “public service” working at a local liquor store.   And last but not least, the Hares…………………………………………………….

This week’s hash will be led by Cumcerto and will start at Burger on Mission Street.  Regretfully, I will not be present.  Waxi and I will be busy getting our groove on and drinking Abita beer in the Big Easy.   See ya’ll next week for Toys for Tots!

On On,

Shallow Hole