Santa Cruz Sentinel Headline reads: Anthrax Scare at UCSC Just a False Alarm. Surf City H3 Causing Mayhem on Campus.
A smaller pack than usual assembled at the remote parking lot # 150 on the UCSC campus this week. I’m guessing that Dung Fu Grip is getting a reputation as a Hare that lays long trails and the lazy bastards stayed home. No complaints from me. Everyone knows I’m a Racist. Ghetto Man, Just John and Free Little Willie made the trek from Monterey. Hugh Heifer feigned a back injury and Cuff my Muff stayed back with her. School was not in session and there was barely anyone around. 
The pack was warned ahead of time to bring flashlights. Some hashers forgot. My batteries in my headlamp were dead, so Twisted Fister lent me a flashlight. Kick ass flashlight I must add. It was purchased from Slonad. It was really bright. I need to get one of those! Maybe he could come to the hash and have a flashlight truck show. The trail was mostly on dirt trails around campus. There was a rum and coke check and 2 beer checks. It got dark pretty quickly, and it was pitch dark in the woods. It was pretty scary. Shiny Snail Trail was afraid of encountering a mountain lion or Bigfoot. I just ran faster to keep up with the military guys. Ghetto Man looks like he could wrestle a mountain lion with his bare hands and win. After exiting the woods, the trail went through part of campus. We went through a campground on campus that is actually part of student housing. The last beer check was in the woods a short distance from the start. My GPS measured trail at 4.89 miles.
Religion was in the woods next to the parking lot where we started. dBASED was RA and Twat did you Say? was Beer Fairy. The first down downs were given to hashers who drew blood on trail. dBASED fell while it was still daylight. Diddler on the Roofie scraped up his knees pretty badly. He cleaned off the wounds with beer. Broke Bench twisted his ankle, but no blood. Next, hashers who didn’t make all 3 checks were punished. Cuff my Muff, Hugh Heifer, The Human Pube, and Twisted Fister. Shiny Snail Trail drank for being scared on trail, and for “getting wet between the legs with back sweat”. Princess Di (arrhea) drank for having “thick honey buns”. Lucky Thmp-Thmp! Shiny Snail Trail interrupted dBASED to say something, but then forgot what she was going to say. Half mind! Twisted Fister was brought up again because he forgot he was at all 3 checks. Another half mind! He stayed there to celebrate the Analversary of his 25th Surf City hash. Get a life! Shiny Snail Trail FINALLY remembered what she was going to say. She observed a woman on a bike who “looked like a lesbian” asking Deep Stroke and I if we were lost. She claimed the lesbian was trying to hit on us. And last but not least, the Hare………………… 
If you want to know his excuse for the shitty trail, Dung Fu Grip confessed at beer check that he scouted trail at 3am the night before on his bike and didn’t know how long it was. He did not say if he was sober or not, but denied being high on LSD at the time. The hash ended in peace. Aside from one police car sighting before the hash started, it was an uneventful night.
Apparently the mayhem began the next morning when there was an emergency response called because of “mysterious white powder” on Heller Drive. We know this because of a nasty email post to the yahoo group by Harriette and UCSC Biological Safety Officer, Dr. Nappy Headed Ho. The incident involved police, a fire engine, the Director of EH&S and Dir. Nappy.
I suspect that this was reported by some paranoid stoner dude on his way home from a party. Maybe this is how it went down.
Stoner called the campus security office said “Hey man, there’s some mysterious white powder on Heller Drive. It could be anthrax”
Police, fire trucks, and numerous campus personnel arrive to the scene. They start taking pictures and take samples for chemical analysis. The speculation begins…….
Hasher says, “Everybody calm down, it’s just flour. Not anthrax. You know the stuff you bake with?”
Stoner says “Ya man, I just got baked. Wow’d ya know?”
Hasher says “It’s made from wheat, and you bake cake with it.”
Stoner says “No thanks dude, I’m gluten free.”
Hasher says “It’s just flour and it won’t harm the environment.”
Stoner says “Is it organic free range? Will it poison the banana slugs?”
Hasher says “No, It’s nontoxic and won’t harm the banana slugs.”
Stoner says “But what about those strange markings on the ground. They’re freaky dude. What do they mean? They could’ve been put there by terrorists, devil worshipers or aliens.”
Hasher says “It’s just sidewalk chalk that little kids use. They were put there by a running club and They’re directions that tell people where to go.”
Stoner says “But where are they going? I don’t know dude. My mind is blown. I got to go back to my room and get my space together before class.”
Guess we won’t be hashing there again anytime soon!
On On,
Shallow Hole
