Hash Trash # 670 on January 24, 2013

This week the pack traveled to Aptos to Bangkok West Thai Restaurant.   Luckily the rain finally stopped and it wasn’t a cold night.   Thmp-Thmp had a cooler of beer in his car and as hashers arrived, they chose to hang out in the parking lot, rather than go inside the restaurant.  I never turn down free beer, so I joined the parking lot crowd.  Thmp-Thmp brought Virgin Ivan.  He said he was trying to start running again.  You know the stupid New Year’s Resolution thing.   Good choice to pick the hash to train for a half marathon!   Pussy Galore made the trek all the way from Boulder Creek, and brought Great Barrier Queef and Virgin Leigh with her.

Whose cockamamie idea was it to lay a super shiggy trail in the dark on a wet night?  If you guessed dBASED, you would be right.  When his Co-Hare Occasional Rapist asked if they should modify their trail due to the wet conditions, he emphatically stated “No”.  Now I know why Puff calls him E-Vile and Satan!   The pack left the parking lot and initially headed right down Cabrillo College Drive (because we saw the hares go in that direction), didn’t find flour so we turned around.  There was a check on the corner of Cabrillo College drive and Rosemarie Ct.  On On was called and everyone headed up Rosemarie Ct.  It was about this time that we lost Great Barrier Queef and Virgin Leigh.  They turned around and went back to the bar.  Pussy Galore headed straight for the bar.  She said she purposely avoids all dBASED trails.

The trail headed into the woods.  It was wet and slippery and muddy, and full of poison oak.   We had to go down a steep ravine and cross a small creek, either by walking across a huge log, or by walking across the creek.  A few hashers tried the log, but then realized that it was too slippery and went through the creek.  Getting across the creek wasn’t a problem, but trying to get up the muddy hill on the other side was another story.  Just Sarah kept sliding down the hill and fell in the mud.  Welcome to the hash!  Once the pack got to the other side, we lost trail.  Schlong Division finally spotted a brown chalk arrow on a tree.  The woods connected to Cabrillo College.  The trail meandered around Cabrillo College campus, then up Perimeter Road, and into the trails in back of the college.  It was really dark in the woods and he trail seemed like it went on forever.  I didn’t think we would ever get out of there.  At least there were no wild animals and we found a bottle of liquor!  At one point there was a confusing check at an intersection and the whole pack was lost (again).   Slonad assured us that he knew where we were and would get us back to civilization before daylight.   Hashers were getting pretty hungry and thirsty too!  Turned out that Dog breath bypassed a check and thought it was a false trail and turned around.  Just when it seemed hopeless, someone yelled On On and we were back on trail.   We finally got back to a paved road, and headed down hill on Haas Road.  Trail went back through Cabrillo Campus.  Beer check was in the woods near Cabrillo College Drive and around the corner from Bangkok West.  Someone who tracked trail said it was 4.25 miles, which is classified as a death march in Surf City H3.

Religion was in the back parking lot of Bangkok West.  There was a strong stench of sewage in the air, adding to the ambiance.  Accuprick was RA.  Slonad was Beer Fairy.  After toasting the Beer Fairy, we celebrated Deep Stroke’s 50^th hash and Pussy Galore’s 300^th Surf City hash!  Get a life!  Next, virgins were called up.  Virgin Ivan-  Thum-Thmp made him come.  Virgin Leigh (Great Barrier Queef’s Son) said Pussy Galore made him come.  Lucky her!  Both virgins told jokes.  LAME!  There were multiple crimes on trail (as usual).  Hugh ratted out TIMMY!! for leaving his cell phone in the bar.  Luckily Hugh found it.  Dog Breath was punished for being a dumb ass.  He bypassed a check and got everybody lost in the woods.   Accuprick snared the Hare.  He was so slow that he caught the hares toward the end of trail.  Shiny Snail Trail was not present, but ranted her disgust and hatred toward dBASED in a series of text messages to Accuprick.  Back sliders- Butt Balls and Great Barrier Queef were chastised.  Deep stroke was called up for multiple down downs, too many to count and reasons that were irrelevant.  She was FRB this week.  So glad she finally won!  Cumcherto drank, but not sure why.  Schlong Division was saluted for his heroism.  He found the brown chalk on the brown tree.  Lesson to all:  USE WHITE CHALK IN THE DARK!  You can’t fucking see darker colors.  And last but not least, the Hares………………..…… 

Deep Stroke closed out the hash with a soulful rendition of Swing Low.  May the hash go in peace!

See all you wankers this Thursday at Burger.  on Mission St in Santa Cruz for another episode of Surf City drunken escapades.

On On,

Shallow Hole

Happy New Year Surf City H3!  Let’s hope 2013 is a year of good times, healthy livers and peace on earth.

For the first hash of the year, our Hares Princess Di (arrhea) and Thmp-Thmp summoned the pack to Burger.   This was Surf City’s first visit to this location.  Great beer selection!  They even had a beer named especially for me called Shallow Grave.   It was a delightful porter with the hint of chocolate.  Yum!  I should try to sue for royalties, or at least free samples!

We had 2 Virgins this week.   Virgin Sarah, daughter of or GM TIMMY!  Not sure why it took so long for her to show up at the hash.   Broke Bench Mountain brought Virgin Albert.  They arrived late and caught the pack at Beer Check.

We had a few visitors.  Taint Brush and Tonya Hardon came from Silicon Valley H3.  Since dBASED and Occasional Rapist went over the hill to hash with them the previous Saturday, they returned the favor and made the trek to Santa Cruz.  Nice couple who like to make a homemade version of Chelata (clam beer made by Budweiser).

Dog Breath brought a mysterious lady named Rowdy, who said she was from Monterey, but has been hashing in the Middle East for 5 years and her home hash was Zimbabwe.  Guesing her met her on one of his top secret CIA missions.  She seemed a little too subdued for her name.

Just Andrea made an appearance this week.  Apparently it was her 3^rd “paying hash”.  We seem to see her a lot, either at the start or at religion, but rarely on trail.  In all fairness, she is still recovering from a foot injury so she couldn’t do trail this week.  She does like to party, so she fits in well with this motley crew of nut jobs.

For the first trail of the year, you would think the Hares would go easy on us.  But no, they made the pack climb on of the biggest hills in town, all the way up to the entrance of UC Santa Cruz.  Damn them!  There was a bottle of Jagermeister near the tennis courts of University Park Terrace Park.   We went through a bunch of apartment complexes, then headed downhill on the Bay Drive walkway.  There was another bottle of booze stashed on the wooded trail.  Beer check was in a little park close to Mission St.

The Hares chose an elementary school parking lot for Religion.   Not surprising, considering the Hares are the adoptive parents of a couple of cats and Psycho Baby (AKA Jugular Jimmy).   Accuprick was RA.  Tonya Hardon was his Beer Fairy, who took the first down down.  She drank again with Taint Brush and Rowdy when the visitors were called up.  Dog Breath was sentenced to drink for lying (not sure what he lied about though).  Deep Stroke drank because she’s still here, claiming RV problems are prohibiting her from leaving town.  I have a hunch there may be foul play involved.  Perhaps Puff the Magic Drag Queen has been using hash cash to pay the mechanics to hold the RV hostage.   Santa Cruz IS paradise don’t you know?  Why the fuck would anyone want to leave here?  Driving cross country sounds like a good idea, but take it from me, I did it 3 times and it’s a LONG ASS trip!  You think there would be all this cool scenery, but it’s not that great.  In the Midwest all you see is fucking corn fields.    In Wyoming, they have the the biggest bugs you’ve ever seen.   And your windshield gets covered in bug guts.  On route 40 driving through New Mexico all you see are signs warning you of Elk in the road next 400 miles!  And have you ever ben to South of the Border (The tourist trap in South Carolina)?  I did see a mirage driving through the Mohave Desert.   But you can see all kinks of shit with a little dose of hallucinogenic.

We celebrated Accuprik’s 100^th and Hairy Potter’s 169^{th Surf} City Hash!  Get a life!  Hairy Potter also drank for being a backslider.  dBASED was chastised for “hash man love”.  WTF?  Occasional Rapist and Just Andrea drank for being DFL’s.  Virgin Sarah’s Dad made her come.  Incest is best.  She sang a British version of a hash song.   Virgin Albert told a stupid joke about Dr Pepper.  Choka Cola, drank water and is now serving as her husband’s designated driver.  Their bun in the oven should be arriving shortly.

And the Hares………….. S H I – TTY     TRAIL!

Usually this would be the end, but Accuprick decided to continue to dish out down downs.  Must be old age.  TIMMY!!! drank for being an irresponsible bastard because he lost the Hashit vest.   Wicked Retahted was called up for just being himself.  And then the pack sang a lovely rendition of Happy Birthday to Accuprick.  That bastard is 60 years old!

,

The road goes on forever and the party never ends………………

Shallow Hole

The Nightmare before Christmas

On this chilly winter night the pack invaded the home of Hares, dBASED, Occasional Rapist, and Hot Wheels.  I must say the place looks a lot nicer now.  I wonder why?  Our fourth Hare was neighbor, Cuff my Muff.   The Hares broke out a large selection of booze from their liquor cabinet in hopes to get the pack drunk enough so they wouldn’t remember the atrocities of the evening.   Virgin Griselda, friend of Occasional Rapist came out for her first hash.  Not sure what Occasional Rapist told her, but she was not dressed in fitness apparel.  Her stylish dress boots looked like they would give her blisters in ½ mile.   dBASED gave instructions to the pack with background music on his cell phone that sounded like it came from a porno movie.  The Hares took off in cars and no one was in a hurry to leave the warmth of the house.  Reluctantly, the pack set off.

The first picture was of the entrance of New Brighton State Beach.  No beach to be seen though, as the FRB’s found the next photo of Capitola Knolls apartment complex.    There was a little snafu in which hashers didn’t know they had to present the picture to the hares before they would be given the next picture.  Dog Breath was kind enough to run back and get the picture, so the pack could move on.   Next, we were directed to Shore Life Community Church.   After that, they sent us to the City of Capitola Corporation yard, where we found Hot Wheels playing with his cell phone looking bored off his ass.  Poor kid, he has 235 hashes under his belt and has not had a drop of alcohol yet!   The pack then went to the parking lot of Aprillia Motors (previously the Italian scooter place), where dBASED handed us the next picture.   The most scenic part of the trail had to be the tour of the Cabrillo Mobile Home Estates.  We ran into a nice young drunk couple who had heard of hashing before and may join us in the future.    Then we were directed to Plum Street, Brookvale Terrace, where Occasional Rapist handed us a picture of Noble Gulch Park.  Next we found Hot Wheels in back of the New Brighton Middle School.  He handed us the last picture.  Thank God!  Beer check was in the parking lot of a Dentist’s office, close to the start.

Religion was in dBASED’s back yard (also looking nicer these days).  Accuprick was RA and Dog Breath was his lovely Beer Fairy.  Dog Breath got the first down down for being a backslider.  Hugh Heifer was punished for not doing trail last week.  Her excuse was that she was sick.  Lazy is more like it!  Broke Bench Mountain was also punished for backsliding.  His excuse was that he was getting cultured at “the Theater”.  Deep Stroke drank “for still being here” and for stalking Accuprick at the Dentist’s office.   Waxi Pad showed up in “business attire” straight from his company Christmas party, and just in time for a down down.  Virgin Griselda was so shit faced, she fell down on the altar and knocked over glasses of beer, then sang to us in Spanish.  Schlong Division and Just Marna were chastised for refusing to drink beer on trail.  Dog Breath received a patch for 175 Surf City Hashes!  Get a life!

Next, we had a naming.  Just Marna stripped down to her sports bra in hopes of getting a more desirable name.  The pack settled on Cumcerto because she plays classical music on the flute.  Her sister, Princess Di(arrhea) also joined her for a celebratory drink.

If that wasn’t exciting enough, Deep Stroke was given an award on her 1 year analversary of joining the hash.  She received a lovely metal statue of a shoe.  My guess is that Occasional rapist found the stupid thing and wanted to throw it out but dBASED thought it would be better to give it to somebody.  Was this the proverbial kick in the ass Deep Stroke needed to get the hell out of town?  We’ll see tomorrow night if she shows up!  And last but not least, the Hares……………. 

The drinking and merriment continued inside the house, where Occasional Rapist served everyone hot vegetarian Chili.  Yum!

See all you wankers tomorrow night at Henflings where Hugh Heifer will scare the devil out of us for hash # 666!  Bring it on Satan!

On On,

Shallow Hole

No Wankers, this was not a horrible flashback.   Did anyone else notice that all of Puff the Magic Drag Queen’s  photos from this hash came our blurry.  WTF?  Our Hares, Occasional Rapist and Wicked Retahted, brought us back to Pleasure Point for this week’s hash.  The pack assembled at the Point Chophouse on Portola.   Maybe Occasional Rapist was home sick for her old neighborhood.  All the fair weather sissies stayed home on this drizzly evening.   The pack sat together at a big table in an alcove of the restaurant and resembled a very dysfunctional family on Thanksgiving.  Just Andrea came out to socialize but didn’t stay to hash.   Waxi Pad was in the neighborhood for work, and showed up for a drink in “business attire”.  He also skipped the trail.  Wicked Retahted came prepared to hare with about 8 ounces of flour in a Crown Royal bag.  Luckily, Occasional Rapist brought flour and chalk.

Aside from a few sprinkles at circle up, it didn’t really rain on our evening.  In contrast to the previous week’s hash, the Hares kept the pack on the ocean side of Portola, instead of the trailer park side.  The trail winded around the streets, then went down the stairs onto the beach for a liquor check.  The pack got there just in time before a wave washed away the flour markings on the sand.  We had to climb up the rocks back onto the street.  We ran by some cops in unmarked vehicles in front of a house.  Not sure what was going on.  No one seemed to be getting arrested.  One cop acted concerned and asked me if we lost anyone.  LOL.  I replied innocently, “No Sir, we’re just running around”.   He said “ok then” and drove off.  Beer check was located at the end of Rock View Drive, down the stairs on the rocks.  The sea was rough from the storm and the waves were crashing.   Very cool spot!

Religion was held at Wicked Retahted’s house.  Accuprick was RA.  Thmp-Thmp was Beer Fairy.  Deep Stroke was chastised for still being around.  She should’ve left on her road trip 2 weeks ago.  Just Marna showed up for her second hash and was rewarded with a down down.  Her sister, Princess Di (arrhea) also drank.   There was some banter over who got the brains and who got the beauty in the family.  Wicked Retahted drank (again) for his crime last week of forgetting to bring the joint he rolled.   Hugh Heifer drank because of her antics.  She lost her keys, and while she was looking for them, she found a bud in her truck!  Whoo Hoo!  Puff the Magic Drag Queen was punished for calling Marna “Marta” in last week’s Hash Flash.  Occasional Rapist was called up for misspelling Schlong Division’s name wrong in her last Hash Trash.   Religion was stopped momentarily for a little smoke fest.  Accuprick was feeling the “Rasta Vibe”.   dBASED accused Puff the Magic Drag Queen of believing Deep Stroke is a man.  Deep Stroke defended herself and professed that she was really a woman, but did not offer the pack any visual proof.  Puff, Princess Di (arrhea) and Deep Stroke drank for having issues climbing the slippery rocks at the beach.  No one was mamed or killed.   And last but not least, the Hares………………..

See you Wankers on Thursday night at Bocci’s Cellar for the Toys for Tots Hash.  Bring one or more unwrapped toys for needy children so they can have a nice Christmas and don’t have to be scarred for life thinking they were rejected by Santa because he skipped over their house.

On On,

Shallow Hole

Hash # 658:  AGM, 11/1/12

FOUR MORE BEERS!!!!!!!

The Presidential election and Surf City H3 AGM are finally over!   We have officially entered the 13th year of Surf City H3.  While the race for the White House was a hard fought campaign, with plenty of mud-slinging, the election for this year’s Mismanagement was pretty damn boring!  All candidates ran unopposed.   Our GM, TIMMY!!!  was particularly enthusiastic.  I witnessed him begging several hashers to run against him (no takers though).  He’s retired for Christ sake!  He needs something to do!

Here’s what went down.  The pack met at Il Palomar.  The hash paid for the first 2 drinks!  Awesome!!  Aside from the “Regulars”, some back sliders showed up.  Vince Lamblowme resurfaced after several months and was given shit about forgoing his RA duties.  He claimed to be “working”.  Hash founder Banana Basher graced us with his appearance and also claimed work was interfering with hashing.  We had a visitor, BullShitWhistle.  He hashes with Truckee and Las Vegas H3.  Swiss Army Cock and Ralph Crammed-In also made an appearance.   Unfortunately my Co-Scribe partner in crime, Occasional Rapist, was under the weather and could not join in the festivities.

The Trail:  Our Hare,TIMMY!!!  sent us on a wild goose chase around downtown, through San Lorenzo Park and ended with beer check on the roof of the River Street Parking Garage.   Accuprick served as RA.  I don’t remember if he had a Beer Fairy, but Deep Stroke was being obnoxious and stole the tiara and wore it for fun.  Yours truly, Shallow Hole, received a patch for my 69^th Surf City Hash!  And Deep Stroke was also called up because she completed 69% of the hashes during the past year.   Wicked Retahted was called up for a down down for back sliding and general half-mindedness.  Banana Basher drank for being awarded the hashit vest but skipped circle-up and trail to short cut to beer check.

The Election:  Back at Il Palomar, we were welcomed by Vince Lamblowme, Broke Bench Mountain, and Waxi Pad.  Waxi decided to make a rare appearance because he was bribed with food and free beer.  He conveniently missed trail and avoids all forms of exercise.  The restaurant put out a ton of great food.  dBASED won the award for hasher most deserving of down downs every week and for the stupidest act of a hasher .  He yelled out “Ranger Danger” when the ranger was within ear shot at Saturday Wharf to Barf.

So here’s your new Surf City H3 Mismanagement:

GM:  TIMMY!!!!!!

Beer Mistress:  Hugh Heifer

Hash Cash and Flash:  Puff the Magic drag Queen

RA’s:  Accuprick and dBASED

Scribes:  Shallow Hole, Occasional Rapist and Princess Di (arrhea)

On Sex:  Dude Where’s my Trail?

Habberdasher:  Thmp- Thmp

I’m looking forward to another year of hashing with all you wankers!   It’s always an adventure.   We will have shitty trails, but Hugh Heifer always buys good beer!  I wish she would buy more Cheezy Poofs though.  We always seem to run out.

Many folks signed up to Hare in the coming months.  If you’ve never Hared before, get off your damn bar stool, find a “Mentor” to Co-Hare with you and sign up!

On On,

Shallow Hole

P.S.  On August 24^th 2013 we will celebrate Occasional Rapist and dBASED’s wedding, which will coincide with Surf City’s 700^th Hash.