Happy New Year Wankers!  Welcome to year # 15 of the Surf City H3.  According to Puff, 43 Hashers attended AGM at El Palomar this year.  Even Phyllis Driller made it out!  I don’t think she signed up to hare any trails.  Clownmydia was visiting from Portland.  It was cool to hear insider stories about the making of InterAm.  It was an epic event and a bunch of Surf City hashers were lucky enough to be there.  1500 hashers drank 302 kegs of beer and the damage bill from the hotel was only $5000!  Pretty damn impressive!

Outgoing GMs Princess Di(arrhea) and Thmp-Thmp were Hares.  Trail wasn’t much to write about.  It was so damn short, that my GPS didn’t have time to sink up.  It was around 1.5 miles around downtown Santa Cruz.  Religion was at Oswald’s parking garage.  Accuprick was RA and Peddofiddler was Beer Fairy.  Outgoing GMs Princess Di (arrhea) and Thmp-Thmp got a thank you down down.  A bunch of hashers drank for being short cutters.  Give me a break!  Visitors Clownmydia and Tongue Job were welcomed to the hash.  Banana Basher, Tiny Wanker, Just Foot Pussy, Dirty Dolmas, Dog Breath, Shameless Butt Plug, Pearl Necklace, and Snapping Twat drank for being backsliders.  TIMMY!!! celebrated his 500^th Surf City Hash!  Get a life!  There was a boob and package check upon arrival to the top of the parking garage.  All the non-flashers were punished with a down down.  Too many to count.  Dog Breath and Ho to Housewife drank for being prone to beastiality.  Ho to Housewife saved a skunk and didn’t get sprayed.  I am told there are skunk classes you can take.  I think I’ll pass.  Shameless Butt Plug, Pussy Wood, dBASED and Wicked Retahted drank for weak bladders and pissing on trail.  And the Hares…….. 

Afterward, we all went back to El Palomar for the festivities.  We ate a bunch of food, drank 22 pitchers of beer and 26 pitchers of margaritas!  We spent a moment remembering Last Call Norm who passed away earlier this year, then relived the year of shitty trails with an awesome photo slideshow.  With a tear in our eyes, we waved good bye to the outgoing GM’s Princess Di(arrhea) and Thmp-Thmp and ushered in new GMs Pink Cherry Licker and Fap Jack and a new group of mismanagement.  Cheers to Rat Pussy, Deadliest Snatch and Pussy Wood for taking up mismanagement positions this year!  It takes a village to run the hash.

Here is your new Mismanagement:        

GMs- Pink Cherry Licker and Fap Jack

Beermeister- Rat Pussy and Deadliest Snatch

Hare Raiser- Twisted Fister

Haberdasher- Occasional Rapist

On-Sec- dBASED

Social Sec- Thmp-Thmp and Princess Di(arrhea)

Scribes- Shallow Hole, Ho to Housewife and Pussy Wood

Religious Advisors- Dung Fu Grip and Accuprick

Awards:

Best Trail:  #813 Dung Fu Grip and Ho to Housewife- Sinking ship across Antonelli Pond

Worst Trail: #780 Ho to Housewife and Dog Breath’s 7 mile trail with the crazy lady with the gun.

Stupidest Act:  dBASED for talking about an orgy during the eulogy at Last Call Norm’s funeral in front of her family.

Biggest Wanker:  Wicked Retahted

It may have been a coincidence, but mysteriously a large group of hashers who attended AGM received a lovely parting gift of a nasty cold.  Blame the cold weather, sharing of down down cups, or maybe even a nameless restaurant worker.  We all got sick and it sucked balls!

On On,

Shallow Hole

Twisted Fister, The Human Pube and Thmp-Thmp brought the pack to Malone’s in Scotts Valley this week.  Hashers filled up the bar on this chilly night.  It seems like we skipped fall and went straight to winter.  Burrr!  It took forever to get a drink at the bar.  Groucho Cocks brought Virgin Jessie with him.  He may be a virgin hasher, but he knows how to drink.  The dude had multiple shots before he even left the bar.  Way to prelube!  Shady Curtains made the trek from Monterey.   Putin denied his visa so he couldn’t go to Russia.  So might as well go hashing in Surf City.  Hippies are more fun to hang out with than communists any day.  Any halfmind knows that!  Could you imagine drinking in a bar with Putin?  If you don’t laugh at his knock knock joke, he would knock you off.

The trail was a real ballbuster at 2.32 miles according to my GPS.  It got off to a great start with a long, confusing back check on Scotts Valley Drive.   Flour was finally spotted on Disc Drive and led us down to the creek.  Thanks to Twisted Fister, we have now explored every part of the Carbonera Creek that parallels Scotts Valley Drive.  Because of the drought it’s more like a ditch with big rocks, picker bushes and PO.   Trust me.  It’s not exactly on the list of top 10 tourist attractions in Santa Cruz County.  Luckily the creek portion of trail wasn’t as endless as last time.   We climbed out of the nasty creek and went into another shiggy section with a liquor check that led out to Oak Creek Boulevard.  At least we were at the top of the fucking hill.  We followed trail down the hill to a check at the intersection of Glen Canyon Road.  The FRB’s all went right searching for trail.  Shady Curtains found flour in a parking lot that led to another shiggy section.  It was difficult to see the flour through the field in the dark.  I knew where the trail was, so just kept trudging on until I found it.  The little trail dumped us off on Scotts Valley Drive.  There was a check.  dBASED went across the street and found a false.  Dung Fu went right on Scotts Valley Drive and found trail.  It went across the street to the alley that leads to the middle school.  We went through the school parking lot to Bean Creek Road then found beer check in Hidden Oaks complex in The Human Pube’s garage.

Religion was in back of the Nob Hill shopping center.  By that time, it was pretty fucking cold out!  Accuprick was RA and Tits and Game was Beer Fairy.  Virgin Jessie, Pink Cherry Licker and Fap Jack drank for missing the liquor check.  Groucho Cocks, Shady Curtains, Transcuntandanal, Summers Yeast and Stub Rub drank for being Backsliders.  Deadliest Snatch and Groucho Cocks drank for being whiners.  Fap Jack celebrated his 100^th hash.  Get a life!  dBASED was punished as a racist for running 10 miles before the hash.  Ho to Housewife and Yours Truly were also called out.  However, we only ran 5 miles before the hash.  Virgin Jessie showed his butt.  Wicked Retahted was bragging about his new shoes.  The hash made sure to christen them by tea bagging beer through Groucho’s  dirty sock and making him drink it from his shoe.  Lear your lesson halfminds!  Never wear new shoes to the hash!  Steamy Baanorrhea accused the FRB’s of not marking a check on Scotts Valley Drive, but the accusation proved to be false.  I did run past there the next day, and it was marked.  So there Bhhhhaaaa to you!   TIMMY!!! drank for his bad taste in liquor.  He liked the nasty shit the Hares put out for liquor check.  Summer’s Yeast outed her friend the Fifth Hole for having hemorrhoids.  Puff puffed and got stoned.  Twisted Fister got a lovely rendition of Happy Birthday fuck You!  And last but not least, the Hares……………………….  

See everyone at AGM!  You can thank your lucky stars, because Ho to Housewife and I will continue our reign as hash scribes for next year.   No one wanted to run against us, so you’re stuck with us.  We will complete our threesome with Pussy Wood!  Thanks Pussy Wood for stepping up!  So in effort to make next years hash trash worth reading, keep doing stupid things on trail so we have good material to work with.  It takes a lot more effort to have to make shit up.

On On,

Shallow Hole

Our Hares this week were New Kids on my Cock and dBASED. We started at Moe’s Alley.  It’s mainly a music venue. Every time we go there, there’s a band setting up and one or two patrons at the bar who give us strange looks.  We usually congregate on their back patio. Fingernips had surgery on her foot and showed up with a gimpy leg riding a fancy scooter.  It looked pretty cool, but when I took it for a spin it didn’t seem very stable.  Maybe it came from the discount medical supply store. Damn insurance!  We were also celebrating Summer’s Yeast’s birthday this week and were promised some kind of treats.

There was a turkey-eagle split. I measured the eagle trail at 3.73 miles.  It started out with a tour of Dominican Hospital grounds, then across the street to the cemetery.  There was a liquor check in the cemetery. It was leftover rum from the previous hash and tasted worse than I remembered.  There was a shiggy section up through the trails by Chaminade.  Lots of steps. Damn the hares! The turkey-eagle split was up at Chaminade near the pool.  Ho to Housewife and I heard someone yell “pool check” and a big splash.  It was Dung Fu Grip if course. The gate was open and he did a big cannon ball into the pool.  Luckily for the hotel guests he kept his shorts on!  Although it was a lovely evening for a swim, no one else partook in the pool check.  We continued through more of the trails and exited on Katherine Lane.  Trail zig zagged through neighborhoods and eventually went down the hill too Thurber and circled around to beer check at Summer’s Yeast and Stub Rub’s house.  They served cake and cocktails and we got to visit with the cute little pugs.

Religion was in the Toys Are Us parking lot.  Accuprick was RA and Summer’s Yeast was Beer Fairy.  New Kids on my Cock got the first down down.  He said it was the 3 year anniversary of how he almost died from a brain hemorrhage, hence the hospital tour.  Speaking of medical issues, it seems that Surf City is plagued by medical issues.  Peddofiddler went blind in her right eye and it wasn’t the eye she recently had surgery on.  God help the other drivers on the road!  She got to the hash late and had to find trail on her own in the dark.  I guess if you are blind, you’re always in the dark, right?  Accuprick drank for being a backslider.  Six of Nine “almost” celebrated his 50^th Surf City Hash.  He didn’t pay so he didn’t get credit for the hash tonight.  He made a point to say how he brought his own beer to avoid paying 8 bucks! Just Maureen reported that she has hemorrhoids.  Peddofiddler has a uterus that hangs pretty low.  Fingernips fell off her scooter while trying to cross the street tonight, but luckily did not get hit by a car.  Cumfartzone was accused of having new shoes but nothing came of it.  Dung Fu grip celebrated his 125^th Surf City Hash! Get a life!  We had a bum who crashed religion.  Someone gave him a beer and I thought I heard him volunteer to cohere with Ho to Housewife next week.  I don’t think we got his name. And last by not least, the Hares……….

On On,

Shallow Hole

It was a lovely warm evening in Santa Cruz. The pack convened on the outdoor patio of Santa Cruz Mountain Brewery.  It was Pussy Wood’s Virgin Hare. She even brought a Virgin sacrifice to the occasion. Virgin Ciana didn’t know what she was in for!  Fap Jack and Pink Cherry Liquor were substitute Beer Meister this week because TIMMY!!! was on vacation. They brought a free keg of wine they got from Santa Cruz Mountain Winery.  They were giving out the free kegs to wine club members! Score!  I belong to several wine clubs and never got a bonus like that!  Probably should check them out! Free wine for all the hashers…………….

Ho to Housewife broke Pussy Wood’s cherry with a very pleasant trail on the West Side.  It was 3.5 mile loop.  The halfmind hares started out by putting a boob and package check right next to Garfield Park where a bunch of little kids were playing.  There was a check near the Circle Jerk Church. Trail led to California Street and left along the dirt trail along Bay Avenue, then down National. There was a liquor check of Whaler’s rum at Lighthouse Field Park.  Cute name considering we’ve been lucky enough to see whales close to shore on West Cliff Drive. Trail continued down West Cliff Drive just as the sun was setting. It was quite picturesque.  Some hashers stopped to take romantic sunset selfies. There was a second liquor check at Cock Throbbin’s house. She’s still MIA due to plantar fasciitis.  Beer check was in Garfield Park, but cut short by a cop who stopped by to politely tell us to move on.

Religion was in back of Safeway.  dBASED was RA because Accuprick, Dung Fu Grip were traveling and were outside the PST time zone.  New Kids on my Cock was Beer Fairy.  dBASED drank for doing his normal dBASED routine and missed the turkey-eagle split. We had a visitor from Korea- Semper Jackus.  Pink Cherry Licker and Fap Jack got called up for staying on West Cliff too long taking romantic sunset selfies.  New Kids on my Cock drank for being a backslider.  Virgin Ciana told a lame joke. Dog Breath accused the hares of putting the boob and package checks too close to the park.  I’m sure he was freaked out when he saw the cop at beer check.   He probably has a court order not to be within 200 yards of schools and parks where children are playing.  Religion was stopped short because the Safeway security folks came out and told us to leave. Pussy Wood was sad the she didn’t get to hear the song for the Hares, so here goes. Sing it in your head.

And the hares,

And the hares,

And the hares,

And the hares,

On her d!cky-di-doe,

Hangs down to her knees.

One black one, one white one,

And one with a bit of sh!te on,

And one with a fairy light on,

to show us the way.

And the hares,

And the hares,

And the hares,

And the hares,

On her d!cky-di-doe,

Hung down to her knees.

S-H-I-T-T-Y T-R-A-I-L

On On,

Shallow Hole

Pirate Hash II: Electric Labia Land’s Birthday

Surf City H3 has had some pretty memorable Pirate hashes.  It’s quite a sight to see a bunch of drunken pirates running around town causing mayhem and debauchery.  I take 1/3 of the responsibility for the shit show last year that included too much rum, lost hashers, water balloons, and a visit from the cops during religion.  This year, Electric Labia Land wanted redemption.  She teamed up with Fap Jack and summoned the pack to Ideal Bar and Grill on Beach Street.  The bar was packed with football fans, watching the first game of the season.  They were somewhat amused by the pirates.  We had a virgin this week- Virgin Brooks.  Shameless Butt Plug made him come!

Trail measured 2.61 miles on my GPS.  The first liquor check was 10 steps away from the bar on the sand. There was flour all the way across the beach to the boardwalk.  The FRB’s lost trail momentarily and ran through Neptune’s Kingdom and the boardwalk.  There was another liquor check outside in front of the boardwalk.  Trail went up through Beach Hill, down the steps to Laurel Street Extension and through downtown.  The FRB’s ran into Pink Cherry Licker on Pacific Avenue.  She had to deal with whack job parents at back to school night and desperately needed hard liquor.   She was not disappointed.  There was a third liquor check on top of Oswald’s parking garage.  We got rum (and coke)!   Trail continued down the steps of the parking garage, through Marini’s candy store, across Pacific and down Walnut Street several blocks to the High School.  We went left on Lincoln Street, and several blocks down Chestnut along the railroad tracks. Beer check was in the little park near the entrance to Neary Lagoon.

Religion was held in the party room at the bowling alley. Hashers started getting restless until the pitchers of beer started coming out. Hashers were feeling the effects of 3 liquor checks! Peddifiddler consumed her fair share of liquor. She was in front of the windows flashing guys on the street. Broke Bench Mountain started walking across the tables.  Waxi Pad showed up after the football game.

Dung Fu Grip was RA and Fingernips was beer Fairy. First down down went to hashers that survived Interam Portland (Yours Truly, Waxi Pad, Thmp-Thmp, Princess Di(arrhea), Fingernips, Broke Bench Mountain, Cums Out My Nose).  Hugh Heifer and Thmp-Thmp drank for wearing white Happi Coats. All the hashers who did not dress up in pirate costumes (Thmp-Thmp, Waxi Pad, Shameless Butt Plug, Drink N Squirt, Accuprick, Virgin Brooks and Today is Monday) were punished.  Virgin Brooks told a dumb joke.  Broke Bench Mountain got a down down for tagging Princess Di(arrhea) at a strip club in Portland. At least her relatives “liked” it. Peddifiddler drank for flashing guys on the street (and the rest of the room).  Thmp-Thmp accused Ho to Housewife of parking too close to his car. I was there! There was plenty of room! Rat Pussy drank for agitating the bums on the railroad tracks. They were quite friendly to us Harriettes. Visitors Today is Monday and Drink N Squirt were welcomed to the hash.

Ho to Housewife and Yours Truly, were accused of neglecting our scribe duties.  Check out the timeliness of this trash bitches!  I just got behind because I was partying in Portland.  Cock Throbbin has been on the DL for months due to plantar fasciitis.  Ho to Housewife has been busy rescuing birds and bottle feeding baby squirrels.  Pink Cherry Licker drank for showing up late to the hash because of work.  She tried to sneak in with the pack with the FRB’s. Cumfartzone and Just Justin told a story about how someone stole their pirate flag, but they got it back.  The pack sung a  lovely rendition of Happy Birthday to Electric Labia Land and early birthday (9/15) for Waxi Pad.

And the Hares…………….

On On,

Shallow Hole

I am now caught up with my scribe duties:)