The scene was the Rush Inn.  We had a huge turnout this year!   This year also happened to fall on Hugh Heifer’s birthday!  There were a total of 62 hashers and a large number of visitors.  We had visitors from Silicone Valley, Monterey Can’d, East bay, San Francisco, Fresno, Sacramento and Portland.   Several Surf City Hashers opened up their homes to take in visitors.  You rock!

Red dresses were everywhere!  It looked like a Valentino fashion show for Halfminds!  There were short slutty dresses and long glamorous dresses.  Dung Fu Grip and Insem-moo-nater both went for the ultra-conservative look this year.  Tiny Wanker wore a pretty conservative poka dot number.  Transcuntnanal and Thmp-Thmp obviously shop in the same stores because they showed up in matching dresses.  Apple Bobber showed up in a sexy red schoolgirl outfit.   Broke Bench Mountain looked particularly lovely.  He and Cock Throbbin were comparing prices of their red wigs.   My two personal favorites were Electric Labia Land’s hot sequin dress and Tits and Game’s short poofy prom dress.

Twisted Fister hared the walker trail and dBASED and New Kids on my Cock hared the Turkey/Eagle trails.  Half the pack did the walker trail.  The Eagle trail was about 4 miles to beer check according to my GPS.  After a little jaunt downtown, we headed to the seedy part of town along the San Lorenzo river levee to Harvey West Park where our red dresses entertained families at a baseball game and other parties.  We passed one party blasting Mexican music.  They yelled some shit at us in Spanish.   Trail continued into the woods, up the stairs and exited out at Meadow Road to Sheridan Ave.  What must go up must come down.  So we took Highland back down the hill and ended up at beer check at Dirty Dolma’s house.   After the beer check, the pack walked to a liquor check on a set of steps leading to downtown, and then to another beer check at the Catalyst.  We invaded the upstairs bar at the Catalyst.

Religion was  at the top of Oswald’s parking garage.  Dung Fu Grip was RA and Tiny Wanker was Beer Fairy.  Visitors were called up first.  Too many to count.  Fap Jack, Pink Cherry Licker, and Project Cumway were called up for going to eat Chinese food instead of doing trail.  There were a couple accusations of crimes but they were lame.  There was a virgin Eric who dropped trow.  Broke Bench Mountain was called up for wearing a thong that wasn’t large enough to hold his large left ball.  Wicked Retahted celebrated his 100^th Surf City Hash!  Get a life!  And last but not least, the Hares…………

The pack went back to the Rush Inn for food and more beer!

Everybody knows that cancer sucks balls!  This event raised $1000 for WomenCare, an organization that provides free services to women with cancer in the Santa Cruz community.

Sadly, this was the last Red Dress Run for Last Call Norm, who lost her battle with cancer on 5/12/15.  She was a long time Surf City hasher and loved by all.  Happy trails Norm, and may there be unlimited beer in heaven.

This hash song serves well as an Ode to Cancer (sung to the tune of Old Lang Syne)

Dear Cancer,

Fuck You, Fuck You, Fuck You, Fuck You

Fuck You, Fuck You, Fuck You

Fuck You, Fuck You, Fuck You, Fuck You

Fuck You, Fuck You, Fuck You

See you Wankers on Thursday!

On On,

Shallow Hole

Hot and Ready but No Fucking Treats!

Aloha Island Grill was to start location this week.  Hashers invaded the place and disrupted a bunch of folks eating dinner.   Princess Di (arrhea) and Thmp-Thmp promised a normal Surf City trail, of normal fucking distance, no fucking theme, no fucking costumes, none of that fucking shit.  Fuckin A man!  They tried to explain to a bunch of halfminds a new trail mark- a fish hook thing that meant FRB’s had to go back and find the DFL’s and share some kind of treat.   I don’t think many of us were listening.  Then they took off.

My GPS measured trail at 3.59 miles.  The pack followed marks down Portola, across the street and lead to Schwan Lagoon.  There was a long shiggy section that lead to dirt trails.  We just came back from Louisiana, so to me, the lagoon looks like a swamp minus the alligators.  Lots of poison oak though!   We saw the fishhook mark and it had what looked like a 3 next to it.  WTF?  The FRB’s scoured the area searching for our treats but only found an empty bottle of some nasty shit.  We didn’t know if it meant back check 3 marks, so we even tried that.  No treats, but we were there so long that the DFL’s caught up with us.  The very thirsty pack proceeded to the railroad tracks where LC was spotted.  Could the treats be found?  No!  I See Naked People even looked inside the metal electrical box next to the tracks.  Oh well, so the pack went on.  Dehydration was really starting to set in.  There was a check on the corner of Brommer and Live Oak.  Some hashers searched someone’s yard, but luckily no one came out with a gun.  On On was called and we headed right on Brommer, then right on El Dorado into Simpkins swim center.  There was a long stretch down 17^th avenue that led to a long stretch down Felt Street to 24^th Avenue.  We eventually made it back to Portola.  There was a check that was particularly difficult to solve.  It was then when we found Fucked Over Fest who arrived late to the hash and followed trail on his own.  He couldn’t figure out the fishhook thing but eventually found the pack.  The last place to check was through a condo complex.  Sure enough, the Hares put chalk arrows through there and we were finally on on!  Trail went down Corcoran Avenue to Clearwater Court, to Coastview Drive where the illustrious BN was spotted.  The Hares were waiting for us with hot and ready Little Cesar’s Pizza.  Apparently there were 2 bottles of liquor.  One at the fishhook mark and one at the liquor check but no one found them.  Food has a way of making hashers more docile, so once we had pizza and beer all was good in the world.

Religion was held at the Live Oak Library.  Dung Fu was RA and Puff the Magic Drag Queen was Beer Fairy.  Since the cleaning folks were still in the library, the pack whispered in true library fashion.  It was a quick and quiet Religion.  Curtesy Flush drank a down down for his usual pattern of stopping on trail for a burrito and eating it on trail.  Not sure how you can eat a big burrito and still run without puking, but this guy does it.  Pink Cherry Licker drank for a comment she made about getting “swamp thumb” and Bacon Queef cured her of it, so it doesn’t appear to be a fatal condition.  We had 2 virgins this week!  I See Naked People made Virgin Jake cum.  He sang you’ve lost that loving feeling.  I was behind him for most of trail and couldn’t help notice his unusual running form.  It looked like he was prancing and holding his hands up like hooves.  Hooker on Kronix, Bitch made Virgin Brittany cum.   She flashed her boobs.  Fucked Over Fest drank for showing up late.  And last but not least, the Fucking Hares……………………

Word on the street is that dBASED and Occasional Rapist were allowed to flee communist Cuba and made it back to Santa Cruz alive, so Occasional Rapist will be haring this week.  Until then…………

On On,

Shallow Hole

Banana’s Anthrax Bash!

This week, the hash started from the Crape Place.  Our Hare was none other than hash founder, the infamous Banana Basher.   He may be a semi-retired hasher, but can still lay a shitty trail with the best of them.  It was a smaller pack than usual since several hash “regulars” had already left for Betty Ford.   Many of which are still hung over days later.  I’m sure we’ll see photographic evidence of trail # 790 as soon as Puff the Magic Drag Queen gets around to posting them.   Hope he wasn’t one of the hashers who got heat stroke in Palm Springs in the 100 degree weather.   Mother’s Little Felcher showed up with Just Brook in a stroller.  My Little Bony, New Kids on my Cock and Waxi Pad showed up too.

My GPS measured trail at 2.99 miles.  It started by going down Soquel, then across the street up Morrissey.  We did a loop around that area and came back to Soquel, went across Walgreens parking lot and down to Arena Gulch.  There were a bunch of cows grazing down there so Hugh Heifer got to visit with some of her bovine cousins!   Trail continued across the new bridge to Broadway.  There was a check on the corner of Broadway and Fredrick Streets.  Some hashers thought trail went left down Fredrick Street, so I prematurely kicked the check.  They were wrong.  Trail went actually right on Fredrick Street.  I tried to fix it, but later we found out that dBASED never found beer check because her got lost.  Serves him right, don’t you think?  Beer check was at the Star of the Sea Park.   Banana saw dBASED running around lost and just laughed.   Him.  Him.  Fuck Him…

Religion was back at Puff’s abode.  Dung Fu Grip was RA, and Occasional Rapist was Beer Fairy.  Broke Bench Mountain got called out for wearing new shoes and christened them with shitty beer.  Backsliders Banana Basher, Stub Rub, Summer’s Yeast, My Little Bony and Mother’s Little Felcher were punished with a down down.   Dung Fu Grip was called out for arriving late to the hash and running a 6:30 pace to catch the pack.  That bastard is fast!  He made it to beer check right after the FRB’s.  dBASED drank for not making it to beer check.  He blamed me for fucking him over by marking the check in the wrong direction.  There were many hashers behind him and they figured it out an didn’t get lost.  Fingernips drank for going out for dinner instead of doing trail.  Eyeful Hands from Can’d Hash showed up at religion because he was going to get a ride to Betty Ford.  Banana put out a challenge to all hashers attending Betty Ford.  He offered to buy a case of beer for any Surf City Hasher who passes out in the parking lot (with photographic evidence as proof).  We’ll see if anyone won that challenge!  And the Hares…………………..

And now for the aftermath:  A couple days after the hash, Banana Basher shared a post written in a Santa Cruz neighborhood email group.  Apparently a paranoid resident was upset about the “white powder” in the area and thinks we’re a bunch of sick people poisoning dogs with organophosphate.  They told people to call 911 if they see any more white powder around .   Luckily no cops showed up at Puff’s and there was no anthrax hazmat scare.   Banana posted a reply to try to explain what it was.  It’s only flour man!

Speaking of Hares, we haven’t heard from this week’s Hares.  I didn’t see a trail announcement for this week.   Maybe it’s an April Fool’s joke and they want to keep us guessing.  More likely the Hares are still hung over from Betty Ford.  Word on the street says we will have a trail and Cock Throbbin’ and Dung Fu Grip will announce something soon.

On On,

Shallow Hole

Hash # 787 brought the pack to Pono downtown.  There were high expectations from the hare pair of Ho to Housewife and Cock Throbbin.  Their trail announcement promised not to kill anybody!  I am happy to say that they succeeded in their mission, because I am not aware of any deaths on trail.  Our GM’s Princess Di(arrhea) and Thmp-Thmp made it to the start, but had to ditch the pack to go to someone’s birthday dinner.  Maybe they got a tip that trail would be extra shitty and wanted to bail.  My Garmin clocked trail at 3.17 miles to beer check.  It was a little jaunt around Pono, up to Mission, to Walnut, to California, down Laurel.  There was a mysterious back check 5 that took a little while to solve because the Hares miscounted.  Trail went down California to a liquor check at the entrance to Neary Lagoon.  It was some nasty red stuff in a mason jar that I was unable to identify.  We had the pleasure of a long stretch down the railroad tracks, smelling the stench from the water treatment plant.  The smell even scared away the homeless from the area!  Then we exited by the soccer field and headed up West Cliff to a beer check on the cliff with a lovely view of the wharf and boardwalk.

Religion was held on the top of the parking garage across from Pono.    Accuprick was RA and appointed Just Suzie as Beer Fairy.  Down downs were handed out for Steamy Baahorrhea for not having a beer in circle, 6 of 9 for not singing a song right and auto hashing, Sharticle Physics and Dung Fu Grip for going skinny dipping at beer check.  Luckily we were not subjected to the shrinkage!  Today is Monday was welcomed as a visitor.  Twisted Fister and Waxi Pad drank for being backsliders.  Waxi avoided trail altogether.  Several of us took a bathroom stop at Fap Jack’s restaurant Munch on the way to religion.  Apparently we forgot about Steamy Baanhrrhea, because he came out of the bathroom and he found himself locked in the restaurant without having anyone’s cell phone number.  Luckily he didn’t set off any alarms when he left and got Fap Jack to go lock up the place again.  TIMMY!!!’s drank for forgetting words to a song.  what’s new with that?  He’s old for Christ sake!  And last but not least, the Hares………………………..

This week’s hash # 788 will be our Green Dress Hash!  We will be heading to Malone’s in Scotts Valley.  You lucky wankers will be at the mercy of Yours Truly and Occasional Rapist.  We’re celebrating St Patrick’s Day a little early, but who cares.  There will be a shitty trail and plenty of Irish libations.

On On,

Shallow Hole

West Side Habitat Hash

Our Hares this week were Dung Fu Grip, Cock Throbbin, and Ho to Housewife, and they chose Santa Cruz Mountain Brewery as the start location.  I love that place for their great beers and dog friendly patio.  The Hares didn’t give much in the way of directions, but brought a pocket knife to give to a FRB.  We gave it to Dog Breath.     What the hell would we need that for?  Self-defense?   We’ve hashed through some pretty sketchy areas.  We were promised a turkey eagle split.

True trail arrows lead through the parking lot past New Leaf to the railroad tracks for a bit.  Trail went back out to the road, and we were on Seaside for several blocks, and then meandered in the direction of Bay.  We soon found ourselves at the entrance to Neary Lagoon.  Luckily the gate was open and the pack got through the lagoon before they locked the gate.  There was a liquor check in the lagoon.  A jar of pretty strong tequila lemonade.   I heard the liquor was attached to something and the knife was to get it off.  After exiting the lagoon, there was a tricky check.  Someone yelled “on on” and we headed down Myrtle Street, but several FRB’s got suckered into a YBF!  Those bastards!  We were running around in all possible directions, but finely found flour and were on trail again.  Trail lead to Laurent, across to California.  There was another tricky spot, where hashers received help from a Good Samaritan to find trail.  We crossed Misson Street, went through Trescony Park, then a long stretch down King Street.  Finally, we crossed to the other side of Mission Street, through a parking lot and finally got to beer check at the Habitat for Humanity ReStore.  We entered through the back door, walked through a maze of furniture to find the Hares drinking and eating vegan cheese and bread.  Somehow Flip Flops on the Rocks mysteriously arrived at beer check at the same time as the FRB’s.  Not sure how that happened.  I did the eagle trail and my GPS measured 4.56 miles, but I ran around solving some checks and got caught at the YBF.  While waiting for the pack to arrive, several hashers got the pleasure of trying out an electric wheelchair.  If it wasn’t $800 bucks, we would’ve bought it for TIMMY!!!

Religion was inside the building.  Accuprick was RA and Fap Jack was beer Fairy.  Fap Jack and Electric Labia Land didn’t do trail, but were obviously drinking somewhere.  Several walkers didn’t make liquor check (Pink Cherry Licker, Fingernips, Wicked Retahted, Occasional Rapist, and Hooker on Kronix, Bitch).  TIMMY!!! and Fucked Over Fest did a wheelchair down down.  Hooker on Kronix, Bitch found a children’s book of B words on trail to add to the SLO Hash Shit.  Wicked Retahted found a rock and a hot wheels.  Fucked Over Fest and Ho to Housewife celebrated their 25^th Surf City Hash.  Get a life!  Harriettes beware!  Dog Breath drank for being a dirty dog.   Wicked Retahted was congratulated on actually finding trail and there was a rumor that he actually ran!  There was blood on trail.  Pink Cherry Licker got viciously attacked by a bush and Occasional Rapist saved her.  I’ve seen people seriously injured from cactus, so stay the fuck away from those prickly bastards!  Sharticle Physics tried to hide his racist tendencies by turning his NY Marathon shirt inside out.  Dude, take it from me.  Don’t ever wear race shirts to the hash!  Electric Labia Land went off on some drunken rant that didn’t make sense.  dBASED drank for making a statement about how one check sent him from FRB to DFL.  Fucked Over Fest thought he had a tale from the trail, but forgot.  Wicked Retahted prematurely yelled “beer near” and got all the DFL’s upset because he lied.  Courtesy Flush and Snapping Twat drank for being  backsliders.  Courtesy Flush comes every 3 months and always buys a burrito on trail.  He gave a lame excuse about being date raped by Bill Cosby.  And last but not least, the Hares…………………………………..

On On,

Shallow Hole