Category Archives: SCH3 Hash

Surf City H3 hash info

Hash 936: High hills, creepy creeks

October 22, 2017SCH3 HashPuff

Salutations,

Gather round, young pups. It’s time for a throwback Trash. That’s one where hares are harried for hideous happenings on trail and hounds are taken to task for their abundant incompetence.

I will not complicate this Trash with facts thereby allowing me to extract almost any end I desire. It is with this motive in mind that I will now recount the events that comprise Trail 936. What follows is a true accounting even if it is not the events that actually occurred.

Teste Coil was being shepherded by Princess Di(arrhea) and Thmp-Thmp on his Virgin Haring. This is a real world example that supports the old adage, ‘The blind leading the blind’. Admittedly, it would have been worse had dBASED been Teste Coil’s teacher as then not only would trail have been of poor quality but it would also have been too damn long as well. Thank the gods of the Hash for THAT small favor at least.

The start was pleasant enough. A beginning at Beer Thirty is always a wise choice though I have now been forced to the unpleasant conclusion that a good START does not necessarily guarantee a good TRAIL. Allow me to expand upon that premise.

After being assaulted by another slow-acting poison concoction from the half-mind of Cum You Will Not, the merry members of madness circled-up for introductions and we heard from: Accuprick, Rat Pussy, Deadliest Snatch, Baker’s Dozen’t, Wicked Retahted, Pink Cherry Licker, Stub rub, Summer’s Yeast, Twisted Fister, TIMMY!!!, dBASED, Occasional Rapist, Cuntjungle, Shallow Hole, Twat Did You Say?, Little Anal Annie, Butt Balls, Jizziki, Cum You Will Not, Urine Cider, Dog Breath, Real boring Bitch, Virgin Jesse, Virgin Susanne and Puff the Magic Drag Queen. None of the aforementioned would be happy hounds upon conclusion of the trail of terror.

There was initial confusion at the check just outside Beer Thirty. Not only was this a less-than-auspicious start, but it set the tone for the entirety of trail to follow as well. After feeling our way though this one, the gang galloped up Main Street and discovered a check at the very next intersection, that being the one with East Walnut. The clan coagulated around the check at Lions Park and spread out sniffing for trail. After a false start across Soquel Creek and onto the playground at Soquel Elementary School,(who started us on THAT false trail?), true trail was located on-right and on-up East Walnut Street. (Wasn’t that previously scouted?) Mark turned the troops on-right onto Soquel Drive but a back check mark was discovered 2 blocks later at Capitola Avenue. The gang turned back, well, except for Urine Cider and Virgin Susanne who staggered along a little further before deciding to rejoin us. There was a lot of sniffing that transpired here until some flour was stumbled across blocks back on Center Street. Back checks of this distance are considered rude or, to utilize some rather coarse vernacular, they are known as Prick’s Tricks.

After this conundrum was dispensed with, the pack plodded across busy Soquel Drive continuing on Center Street(which, incidentally, is NOT the center of town) and past the Congregational Church. Hashers move very quickly past a church I’ve noticed and do not look at it either. A block later, the geography of the road dictates a ninety degree on-left onto Bridge Street. The clan crossed Main Street and traipsed onto the bridge over Soquel Creek leading to Paper Mill Road. The BN mark was observed but no one could find it. As it turns out, only ONE hound was to find the goody left for us and that would be dBASED. A bag containing the liquid gold had been suspended over the side of the bridge. However, dBASED slung the bag back over the side of the bridge with such force that the carabiner holding the bag broke and sent the precious liquid plummeting into Soquel Creek. A newspaper article the next morning detailed the California Department of Fish and Wildlife’s discovery of hundreds of intoxicated fish in Soquel, California; cause under investigation. Rumor Central contends dBASED was seen slithering back to the scene of the crime after the hash in hopes of retrieving the bag and it’s contents.

An on-right onto Paper Mill Road yielded an on-left onto Oneil Lane one block later which brought the bevy to Soquel-San Jose Road which all we locals call Old San Jose Road. The gang headed on-right and soon on-left into Anna Jean Cummings Park which is locally called Blue Balls Park due to the huge blue balls that adorn it. (what were they thinkin’?!) It was through here local law enforcement was encountered. Here’s the difference between the County Sheriff’s Department and Capitola cops. It’s after sundown so the park is officially closed. What did the deputy say to us? ‘Ah, there’s run tonight, huh? Have a nice night.’ Off he went. Capitola cop would have at the LEAST run us out if not issued us citations for trespassing.

After struggling with the copious collection of stairs leading on-up to the soccer field, we were greeted by a Liquor Check that has not been destroyed by dBASED and the promised Turkey/Eagle split. We’ll squander some of our evening on the Eagle trail. It went, and I’m certain you can see this one coming, clambering the huge hills behind Soquel High School. After cresting the largest(but of course) of them, we simply fell down the other side and through a small patch of woods, across Soquel Drive, onto Robertson Road, transitioned onto Wharf Road and under Highway 1.

Not far past the Highway 1 undercrossing, the back check mark sent us reeling. After minimal sniffing, flour was discovered along a narrow path beside a private residence and a fence designed to keep people away from Soquel Creek. That fence would probably work for mortals but not hashers. Worse than trespassing, it was now drizzling. The rocks along Soquel Creek were now extremely slick. Almost no one got through here and across the creek without taking on some water. After completing the creek crossing, we invaded a small homeless encampment and emerged into a parking lot a block from the start.

Most of us began to smell an imminent end to this disaster once an on-left was made onto Porter Street. A brief, uncalled for circle jerk onto West Walnut, then Daubenbiss and back onto Porter Street was a fitting culmination to an already pointless outing. Directly across Porter the flock found Beer Check. This was rapidly dispensed with as the area is frequented by local law enforcement.

A short jaunt away is the Heart of Soquel Park and at the very back is a small cul-de-sac walkway perfect for hiding and conducting Religion. Accuprick seized the reins of control as Religious Adviser. Let’s see now. Little Anal Annie was awarded a down-down for yelling at a driver who almost ran her over as she illegally crossed busy Soquel Drive…in the dark. Puff was busted for trying to bribe the Sheriff’s Deputy to give him a lift to the top of the hill in Blue Balls Park. The two Virgins were terrified with Joke, Song or Body Part. dBASED was awarded a punitive down-down for destroying first Liquor Check after he had his fill. Other people were punished too but they did not contribute anything to the overall success of Religion so I’ve forgotten them. The hares were skewered over their trail. I truly believe Trail 936 may garner a nomination as Worst Trail of the Year for AGM next month. It’s a good thing Princess Di(arrhea) is non-compos-mentis because being sane would remove any desire she may harbor to ever hare for Surf City again. As for Thmp-Thmp, I bear him no ill will for his criminal past. I am, however, very concerned with his criminal FUTURE. And as for Teste Coil, I now fear this man may be the missing link between the pirate and the pig. That pretty much does it for Trail 936 and put it exactly where I want it to be: In my rear view mirror.

On-on-on was successfully staged at nearby Village Host Pizza. The crew appreciated the tips but probably did not enjoy cleaning up after we pigs vacated the premises. They were neutral on being serenaded with a hash song.

By Special Appointment of His Royal Majesty “G”, this Hash Trash has been compiled and printed by permission of no one other than the author at Santa Cruz, Ca., or elsewhere if need be, on this, the twenty-second day of October in the year of our Hash two-thousand seventeen.

Submitted with all respect due,

Puff the Magic Drag Queen

Surf City H3 Scribe

(briefly out of retirement)

The Torch is passed

September 28, 2013SCH3 Hashdbased

(Note: No Hash Flash as this written. Look for added pictures later in the week.)

I have often felt that every year there needs to be one screwed up trail. We’ve had it.

The day started out ominously. Occasional Rapist had spend 4 days on her back and wanted one more, so asked that I scribe for her. I left her on her back watching the Breaking Bad marathon. I’m sure most that attended this debacle wished that they had followed her lead.

The Hares outing started ominously. Pink Cherry Licker was licking her chops waiting for Dung Fu Grip to arrive. She said, there’s not going to be any trail without him. I said there could be a trail, just it would be different. Don’t we all wish she hadn’t waited for Dung Fu Grip? I was in the corner watching the Football game as the hares left and barely heard what they had to say. Something about 2 beer checks and Liquor check for the Eagles.

The pack outing started ominously. I was still in the corner, when apparently circled up happened, as I never heard it. With 12 seconds to go in the half, I looked up, and where had the Hashers gone? I walked outside and saw the pack trying to solve the first check. Everyone was actually coming back from an on-something which was down Murray drive towards The Boardwalk.. I was asked, did I check over there, which was the other way.

The selection of the Hares was ominous. One week previous, Six of Nine had said “I’ll be the hare – if nothing else better comes up better”, and Hangs Loose agreed to accompany him. Getting Six of Nine to commit to something, is like suggesting to your teenagers that perhaps they should get earlier on the weekends. When no trail announcement was delivered Monday morning, Dung Fu Grip jumped on the opportunity and declared himself the hare.

Dung Fu must have a death wish, or at least a bad memory. Each of his trails has become longer and longer. He started with a pretty long romp through Pogonip. Half the people to that trail were visitors, so his legend had less of a local audience than normal. His second trail, merely 2 weeks ago, was a 5 mile march though the hills and darkness of UCSC which brought out the hazmat team (and the wrath of first responder Dr. Nappy Headed Ho). I thought that trail was on the edge of sanity. Where was the lynch mob after this debacle? The last time the Surf City Hash had a 7 mile trail, the hares knew they had fucked up so badly, they didn’t show their faces to the end!

I used be the most feared hare in the Surf City Hash, but that torch has now been passed to Dung Fu Grip. Being a feared Hare is not something easy to live down. I remember the first most feared hares I learned about. They were the Bator Brothers. The Bator Brothers were from Orange County and were a 2 brother team of MinorBator and MeisterBater. They were weekend warriors to the hilt. Their peak was when the were featured on a week long adventure race called the Eco-challenge in the early 90’s. By the way, the third person on the team (who was required to be a woman), was a Go Go Dancer. Another historical feared Hare I remember in my storied history was Marci De Sade. I still remember the rope I climbed down to a false in the dark.

Now on to the story of this travesty. The second check was innocent enough – it was at five corners. It lead to a YBF somewhere down Darwin street, around 3 1/2 blocks away. This is where I caught up with the FRB’s as they were coming back from the YBF. As best as I could figure, none of the FRB’s went all the way back to the check at 5 corners, but spread out nearby. I encountered the trail a couple blocks from 5 corners, with no Hashers nearby.

Seeing as I was on day 20 of the croup, I was pretty easy to be caught up with. Twisted Fister and I encountered a check at Broadway and Frederick street, which lead it’s way to Frederick street park, into the Yacht harbor, and then Arana Gulch. Most Hares would have realized that even going to Arana Gulch was probably too far, especially if they needed to head back to the Natural History Museum. Or, at least don’t make the turkey’s go there. However, if you are going to be a feared hare, there is one key element Dung Fu had not given us yet – Water. Beer near marker was found on one side of a creek. There was arrow across the creek that all the other FRB’s initially missed. It lead to a tree crossing across the creek to the beer check. Just Anne and Shallow Hole begged for beer to be brought back across the creek, but I told them if they wanted it, they had to come and get it. Those that made the trek across were rewarded with Tecate – hardly a reward.

I’ll note that the only non-Eagle I saw at the Beer check was Broke Bench Mountain. The rest of the pack was nowhere to be found. In the darkness, their lights would be seen from some distance. We wondered if we had missed the Turkey/Eagle split somewhere around 5 corners when the Eagles split up. Surely, this beer check was too far away for an Turkey trail. We headed to the top of Arana Gulch (Dung Fu threw in the only hill in the area) and found the Turkey Eagle Split. Timmy initially headed for the Turkey, found he was alone in the dark and turned back to be an Eagle.

The Turkey/Eagle split apparently is where things went South for the Turkeys. Somehow, a false was marked there. The Turkeys not wanting to do the Eagle, and seeing no other choices, just walked to where religion was advertised at the Natural History Museum – some distance away.

From here, the Eagles were drug all the way downtown, where Dung Fu Grip tried for Hazmat V2 on Pacific. He claims there were police officers who saw him through flour on Pacific Ave, so he thought it was OK.

In years past, I’ve heard of hounds who were happy to just follow dB most the trail. In this trail, I was quite happy to follow many DB (Dog Breath) marks. I eventually caught up with Dog Breath near where the Warriors play. A check at Riverside bridge where I checked wrong, led me from the front of the Eagles to the back of the Eagles. Then, there was the final check at Murray and East Cliff. As I arrived, the other Eagles were returning from where East Cliff heads towards above Seabright beach. I checked the neighborhood and the railroad tracks. When I came pack, the Eagle pack was gone. Fortunately, there as one final DB mark, leading to where the Eagles had previous retreated, and to the beer check.

At the beer check, there were NO Turkey’s! Little did we know they were around the corner at religion. Eventually, I believe Pink Cherry Licker checked religion and found them. All likely Eagles were accounted for except for Puff and a virgin. As Dung Fu Grip rode his bike backwards a bit, I waited at the final beer check by myself. Dung Fu Grip eventually returned, but still no Puff. Later, I was to later learn the virgin was invited by Dung Fu Grip, and he told her and Puff to just head to religion.

As I arrived at religion, I saw Timmy had already begun. It being dark, cold, late and I was sick, religion was rather a blur. Most significantly, we failed to name Just Anne again and failed on Just Sara as well. The pack simply had no energy for it. Puff eventually showed up with the virgin and she told a joke and drank. Dung Fu drank for a trail that was 2 times too long.

The On-On-On was at Seabright Brewery, but in-spite of not working the nest day, I headed home to nurse my cough.

In finality, Dung Fu Grip should be placed on hare probation. His next trail needs to be supervised. He needs to treated like a virgin. While he clearly knows how to set a trail, he does not know how much trail to lay.

Hash 679

March 26, 2013SCH3 Hares, SCH3 HashPuff

Grab something,

This is for those of you that are not on Surf City’s Yahoo email group. First, join the damn thing!

Secondly, after joining the group, drag your carcass to Discretion Brewery on Thursday, April 28th. The brewery is located at 2703 41st Avenue behind Cafe Cruz. Parking, however, is sadly limited and it may prove advantageous to park across 41st at Home Depot which, incidentally, is the location for Religion as well. TIMMY & Puff will team up to double-team you. Short trail, A-to-B, free beer. food & beer; what more do ya need to know?

On-out,

TIMMY & Puff