Our Hares this week were Pussy Wood and Electric Labia Land.  They chose the Parish Pub on the West Side for the start location. Hashers received their holy communion with pints of beer. dBASED had black chalk and put “ashes” on our foreheads.  I know, we’re all probably going to hell.  I’ve been scarred by the proverbial Catholic Guilt.  That guilt is so powerful, it stays with you forever man.  Banana Basher made a rare appearance.  He got a free pass since he’s in his wife’s good graces at the moment.   Broke Bench Mountain brought a Virgin named Patrick.  I didn’t catch his story.   We had 2 visitors, String Cheese and Pabst Smear from Oregon H3.  Hangs Loose brought Poon Doggie’s little sister Butters, an extremely energetic golden retriever puppy that gave Courtesy Flush a run for his money.  Dog Breath showed up late and freaked out a lady in the Safeway parking lot who saw him changing his pants.

Trail was short little jaunt of < 2 miles. It was kind of a blur since Courtesy Flush and I had the wolf pack with us.  We got to do an Easter egg hunt at the circle church.  There was candy and booze in the plastic eggs.  Hope no little kids found the leftover ones with booze in them!  The whole pack (except for Dung Fu Grip) missed a liquor check with wine and “Jesus”.  There was a check on Mission.   Dung Fu Grip searched left.   We didn’t hear anything from him.  dBASED and Achy Breaky Snatch searched down Mission Street.  They yelled “On On” and the whole pack followed them.  Beer check was on the beach at Mitchell Cove (AKA the stinky beach).   When Dung Fu Grip finally showed up at beer check, he started telling tales of drinking wine with Jesus.  I thought he might have been trippin.  Was there something funny inside those eggs?  Him and Dog Breath baptized themselves in the icy cold Pacific.  Even the dogs weren’t stupid enough to follow them into the water.

Religion was inside the Habitat Restore. Dung Fu Grip was RA and Vaginal Repair Kit was Beer Fairy.   Dung Fu Grip had everybody drink for missing the liquor check.   There was no one there for the boob check.  Cumfart Zone showed her boobs.   Pussy Wood and Rat Pussy were congratulated on having the most hits on the flicker page.  Apparently our page has something like 2 million hits.  All those folks searching for porn must be pretty disappointed when they get misdirected to our website.  Visitors String Cheese and Pabst Smear were welcomed to the hash.  Thmp-Thmp celebrated his 225^th and Dog Breath celebrated his 275^th Surf City Hash.  Get a life!  Vaginal Repair Kit spilled beer and had to mop it up with his shirt.  At least he cleans up after himself!  Cums out my Nose, Wicked Retahted, Shameless Butt Plug, Banana Basher, and Bareback Unicrack drank for not doing trail.  Virgin Patrick told a joke and was welcomed to the hash.  Deadliest Snatch was pissed off at her significant other Rat Pussy for drawing a huge dick on their driveway the previous week and leaving it there for the neighbor’s kids to see it.  They were kind of pissed off.  Fap Jack accused Rat Pussy of wearing new shoes, but the accusation was false.  And last but not least, the Hares……………….

Hope the place wasn’t too much of a mess when we left.   This old photo of Dung Fu is so classic, I had to post it again because it went with the theme.

On On,

Shallow Hole

This week’s hash was the Betty Ford Prelube Hash. GM’s Pink Cherry Licker and Fap Jack promised a short trail and did not disappoint.  A bunch of wankers had to get up early to drive to Palm Springs. We started at Tampico downtown. How short was it?  I got < 2 miles.  It was so short that I didn’t break a sweat.  Poon Doggie wasn’t even tired!  A significant portion of the mileage was a very mean YBF down the entire wharf!  I was ¾ of the way down when the FRB’s came back and proclaimed the bad news.  After all, we ALL know it’s a dead end!  Why did Dung Fu Grip, Ho to Housewife, Steamy Baanorrhea, yours truly and several others fall for the evil trick?  We thought there might be a beer or liquor check.  Them!  Them!  Fuck Them!  Beer Check was replaced by a Mojito Check and was located in the little park near the entrance of Neary Lagoon.

Religion was on top of Oswald’s Parking Garage. Dung Fu Grip was RA.  Rat Pussy was Beer Fairy.  First down down was to all the hashers (Hugh Heifer, Occasional Rapist, dBASED, Puff the Magic Drag Queen, Hangs Loose and Poon Doggie) who braved the rain last weekend to attend Silicon Valley’s 1000^th Hash.  Steamy Baanorrhea, Ho to Housewife, and Dung Fu Grip drank for doing the entire YBF.  At least the guys were treated to a boob check, so it wasn’t a total loss.  Twat Did You Say? drank for not leaving the bar.  Hangs Loose drank for convincing some muggles to follow him down the pier.  He promised them beer.  They took off soon after because he lied.   Puff the Magic Drag Queen celebrated his 769^th CONSECUTIVE Surf City hash!  Seriously dude, get a life!  Jizziki celebrated his 60^th birthday with a beer and terrible rendition of Happy Birthday Hash Song.   Cumfart Zone got called out for wearing new shoes.  You can tell form her expression that she really enjoyed drinking out of her shoe.  Will people ever learn?  Damn Halfminds!

On On,

Shallow Hole

Due to the Christmas holiday, the hash was on a Wednesday this week. While some of us were otherwise engaged, a good size pack that showed up.  It’s been a Surf City tradition for dBASED and Occasional Rapist and family host the Anal Christmas Picture Hash.   It works a little differently.  The trail is not marked with chalk and flour.  The hares drive around to different locations and hand out pictures of a location the pack must go.  Sound like a no brainer, right?   It’s usually a family affair, because it takes a family of hares to pull off this gig.  This year, the hares were Mom, Herpie Handcock, Little Spit, dBASED and Occasional Rapist.  Hot Wheels was MIA.  Courtesy Flush showed up all decked out in a Santa costume and brought his girlfriend Just Sasha.  I hope she likes burritos!  Dung Fu Grip brought Virgin Jess.  The newly single Hangs Loose brought his wolf pack with him.  Chewy is pretty popular with the Harriettes and usually gets a lot of attention.  Beastiality is best!  Piss Pyle and BMX were in town and joined in on the festivities.

You know the saying, a picture says 1000 words. Ya, right.  This week, the picture said “fuck you”, “get lost assholes”.  This hash requires intricate planning to make sure all the picture exchanges are timed perfectly.  dBASED usually does a pretty good job.  But in true hash fashion, trail turned out to be a clusterfuck.  Trail went horrifically wrong at the first picture exchange.  Little Spit gave out the wrong picture.  You can tell from the demonic look on her face in this picture that she was up to no good.   She is a teenager you know.  The pack skipped 2 stops and went to Bangkok West to find no hares to greet them.  After waiting a long while, they gave up and went back to the start.  Beer Check was at Steamy Baanorrhea’s house.  Somehow everyone got there.

Religion was back at Casa De dBASED. Tensions were quickly calmed by beer and hot food.  When the pack was sufficiently fed, religion commenced in the back yard.  Dung Fu Grip was RA and Dog Breath was Beer Fairy.  Pink Cherry Licker took a down down for the team, since no scribes showed up, and was kind enough to take notes.  Chill out bitches!  We’re professionals.  We’ll get er done!  Hangs Loose, Piss Pyle and BMX drank for being backsliders.   There were several Analversaries this week.  Courtesy Flush and Jizziki celebrated their 25^th Surf City hash.  Princess Di(arrhea) celebrated her 200^th and Dog Breath celebrated his 269^th Surf City hash.  Get a life!  Virgin Jess thrilled the pack with a song.  Heard it!  There was a naming!  Just Shasha doesn’t come often, but apparently made it to 5 hashes and was up for naming.  From this day forward, she will be forever known as Bareback Unicrack!  Congratulations and welcome to the hash!  Paki Sack drank for being a visitor.  And last but not least, the hares!  At least most of them.  You can tell from the look on dBASED’s face that he was not pleased.  Looks like he’s thinking about taking back all of Little Spit’s Christmas gifts.  Maybe some coal in her stocking?

On On,

Shallow Hole

Happy New Year Wankers!  Welcome to year # 15 of the Surf City H3.  According to Puff, 43 Hashers attended AGM at El Palomar this year.  Even Phyllis Driller made it out!  I don’t think she signed up to hare any trails.  Clownmydia was visiting from Portland.  It was cool to hear insider stories about the making of InterAm.  It was an epic event and a bunch of Surf City hashers were lucky enough to be there.  1500 hashers drank 302 kegs of beer and the damage bill from the hotel was only $5000!  Pretty damn impressive!

Outgoing GMs Princess Di(arrhea) and Thmp-Thmp were Hares.  Trail wasn’t much to write about.  It was so damn short, that my GPS didn’t have time to sink up.  It was around 1.5 miles around downtown Santa Cruz.  Religion was at Oswald’s parking garage.  Accuprick was RA and Peddofiddler was Beer Fairy.  Outgoing GMs Princess Di (arrhea) and Thmp-Thmp got a thank you down down.  A bunch of hashers drank for being short cutters.  Give me a break!  Visitors Clownmydia and Tongue Job were welcomed to the hash.  Banana Basher, Tiny Wanker, Just Foot Pussy, Dirty Dolmas, Dog Breath, Shameless Butt Plug, Pearl Necklace, and Snapping Twat drank for being backsliders.  TIMMY!!! celebrated his 500^th Surf City Hash!  Get a life!  There was a boob and package check upon arrival to the top of the parking garage.  All the non-flashers were punished with a down down.  Too many to count.  Dog Breath and Ho to Housewife drank for being prone to beastiality.  Ho to Housewife saved a skunk and didn’t get sprayed.  I am told there are skunk classes you can take.  I think I’ll pass.  Shameless Butt Plug, Pussy Wood, dBASED and Wicked Retahted drank for weak bladders and pissing on trail.  And the Hares…….. 

Afterward, we all went back to El Palomar for the festivities.  We ate a bunch of food, drank 22 pitchers of beer and 26 pitchers of margaritas!  We spent a moment remembering Last Call Norm who passed away earlier this year, then relived the year of shitty trails with an awesome photo slideshow.  With a tear in our eyes, we waved good bye to the outgoing GM’s Princess Di(arrhea) and Thmp-Thmp and ushered in new GMs Pink Cherry Licker and Fap Jack and a new group of mismanagement.  Cheers to Rat Pussy, Deadliest Snatch and Pussy Wood for taking up mismanagement positions this year!  It takes a village to run the hash.

Here is your new Mismanagement:        

GMs- Pink Cherry Licker and Fap Jack

Beermeister- Rat Pussy and Deadliest Snatch

Hare Raiser- Twisted Fister

Haberdasher- Occasional Rapist

On-Sec- dBASED

Social Sec- Thmp-Thmp and Princess Di(arrhea)

Scribes- Shallow Hole, Ho to Housewife and Pussy Wood

Religious Advisors- Dung Fu Grip and Accuprick

Awards:

Best Trail:  #813 Dung Fu Grip and Ho to Housewife- Sinking ship across Antonelli Pond

Worst Trail: #780 Ho to Housewife and Dog Breath’s 7 mile trail with the crazy lady with the gun.

Stupidest Act:  dBASED for talking about an orgy during the eulogy at Last Call Norm’s funeral in front of her family.

Biggest Wanker:  Wicked Retahted

It may have been a coincidence, but mysteriously a large group of hashers who attended AGM received a lovely parting gift of a nasty cold.  Blame the cold weather, sharing of down down cups, or maybe even a nameless restaurant worker.  We all got sick and it sucked balls!

On On,

Shallow Hole

Twisted Fister, The Human Pube and Thmp-Thmp brought the pack to Malone’s in Scotts Valley this week.  Hashers filled up the bar on this chilly night.  It seems like we skipped fall and went straight to winter.  Burrr!  It took forever to get a drink at the bar.  Groucho Cocks brought Virgin Jessie with him.  He may be a virgin hasher, but he knows how to drink.  The dude had multiple shots before he even left the bar.  Way to prelube!  Shady Curtains made the trek from Monterey.   Putin denied his visa so he couldn’t go to Russia.  So might as well go hashing in Surf City.  Hippies are more fun to hang out with than communists any day.  Any halfmind knows that!  Could you imagine drinking in a bar with Putin?  If you don’t laugh at his knock knock joke, he would knock you off.

The trail was a real ballbuster at 2.32 miles according to my GPS.  It got off to a great start with a long, confusing back check on Scotts Valley Drive.   Flour was finally spotted on Disc Drive and led us down to the creek.  Thanks to Twisted Fister, we have now explored every part of the Carbonera Creek that parallels Scotts Valley Drive.  Because of the drought it’s more like a ditch with big rocks, picker bushes and PO.   Trust me.  It’s not exactly on the list of top 10 tourist attractions in Santa Cruz County.  Luckily the creek portion of trail wasn’t as endless as last time.   We climbed out of the nasty creek and went into another shiggy section with a liquor check that led out to Oak Creek Boulevard.  At least we were at the top of the fucking hill.  We followed trail down the hill to a check at the intersection of Glen Canyon Road.  The FRB’s all went right searching for trail.  Shady Curtains found flour in a parking lot that led to another shiggy section.  It was difficult to see the flour through the field in the dark.  I knew where the trail was, so just kept trudging on until I found it.  The little trail dumped us off on Scotts Valley Drive.  There was a check.  dBASED went across the street and found a false.  Dung Fu went right on Scotts Valley Drive and found trail.  It went across the street to the alley that leads to the middle school.  We went through the school parking lot to Bean Creek Road then found beer check in Hidden Oaks complex in The Human Pube’s garage.

Religion was in back of the Nob Hill shopping center.  By that time, it was pretty fucking cold out!  Accuprick was RA and Tits and Game was Beer Fairy.  Virgin Jessie, Pink Cherry Licker and Fap Jack drank for missing the liquor check.  Groucho Cocks, Shady Curtains, Transcuntandanal, Summers Yeast and Stub Rub drank for being Backsliders.  Deadliest Snatch and Groucho Cocks drank for being whiners.  Fap Jack celebrated his 100^th hash.  Get a life!  dBASED was punished as a racist for running 10 miles before the hash.  Ho to Housewife and Yours Truly were also called out.  However, we only ran 5 miles before the hash.  Virgin Jessie showed his butt.  Wicked Retahted was bragging about his new shoes.  The hash made sure to christen them by tea bagging beer through Groucho’s  dirty sock and making him drink it from his shoe.  Lear your lesson halfminds!  Never wear new shoes to the hash!  Steamy Baanorrhea accused the FRB’s of not marking a check on Scotts Valley Drive, but the accusation proved to be false.  I did run past there the next day, and it was marked.  So there Bhhhhaaaa to you!   TIMMY!!! drank for his bad taste in liquor.  He liked the nasty shit the Hares put out for liquor check.  Summer’s Yeast outed her friend the Fifth Hole for having hemorrhoids.  Puff puffed and got stoned.  Twisted Fister got a lovely rendition of Happy Birthday fuck You!  And last but not least, the Hares……………………….  

See everyone at AGM!  You can thank your lucky stars, because Ho to Housewife and I will continue our reign as hash scribes for next year.   No one wanted to run against us, so you’re stuck with us.  We will complete our threesome with Pussy Wood!  Thanks Pussy Wood for stepping up!  So in effort to make next years hash trash worth reading, keep doing stupid things on trail so we have good material to work with.  It takes a lot more effort to have to make shit up.

On On,

Shallow Hole