It was the Thursday before St. Patty’s night
Hashers swarmed Malone’s to avoid a fight
The unsightly pale skin
and green dresses couldn’t win
It gave the folk of Scotts Valley quite a fright
Hashers crowded the bartender at Malone’s
She cursed hashers servicing them alone
Wishing they’d hurry to leave
Not without tipping please
She’s still uttering obscenities from home
There were hordes of hideous prom dresses
You’ve never seen more uglier tresses
Tutus, four leaf clovers
and Santa Cruz pull-overs
Completed the look of unsightly hashes
Trail sent all romping through Scotts Valley
A jaunt by the dumpster, taking its tally
Leaving the trash behind
The locals seemed to mind
Not even the DFLs would dally
To the home of the Falcons we went
Some of the hashers were already spent
And not in the good way
But not lost on the freeway
Back to the check for the drunkards that meant
Virgin Kelsi was visiting from Cincinnati
New to the group; thankfully not bratty
Ho2Housewife smelled a bush
Dog Breath gawked at her tush
While the rest of the crew smoked a phatty
Some were ready for Hari Kari
Others acting much more merry
I Saw Naked People
Dude, that guy’s medieval!
And Fucked Over Fest was anointed beer fairy
We had some guests from the Valley
Where is that? Check Rand McNally
Yellow Brick Load got drunk
And his toga had a funk
Waiting for Arabian Gobbler’s finale
Hash # 787 brought the pack to Pono downtown. There were high expectations from the hare pair of Ho to Housewife and Cock Throbbin. Their trail announcement promised not to kill anybody! I am happy to say that they succeeded in their mission, because I am not aware of any deaths on trail. Our GM’s Princess Di(arrhea) and Thmp-Thmp made it to the start, but had to ditch the pack to go to someone’s birthday dinner. Maybe they got a tip that trail would be extra shitty and wanted to bail. My Garmin clocked trail at 3.17 miles to beer check. It was a little jaunt around Pono, up to Mission, to Walnut, to California, down Laurel. There was a mysterious back check 5 that took a little while to solve because the Hares miscounted. Trail went down California to a liquor check at the entrance to Neary Lagoon. It was some nasty red stuff in a mason jar that I was unable to identify. We had the pleasure of a long stretch down the railroad tracks, smelling the stench from the water treatment plant. The smell even scared away the homeless from the area! Then we exited by the soccer field and headed up West Cliff to a beer check on the cliff with a lovely view of the wharf and boardwalk.
Religion was held on the top of the parking garage across from Pono. Accuprick was RA and appointed Just Suzie as Beer Fairy. Down downs were handed out for Steamy Baahorrhea for not having a beer in circle, 6 of 9 for not singing a song right and auto hashing, Sharticle Physics and Dung Fu Grip for going skinny dipping at beer check. Luckily we were not subjected to the shrinkage! Today is Monday was welcomed as a visitor. Twisted Fister and Waxi Pad drank for being backsliders. Waxi avoided trail altogether. Several of us took a bathroom stop at Fap Jack’s restaurant Munch on the way to religion. Apparently we forgot about Steamy Baanhrrhea, because he came out of the bathroom and he found himself locked in the restaurant without having anyone’s cell phone number. Luckily he didn’t set off any alarms when he left and got Fap Jack to go lock up the place again. TIMMY!!!’s drank for forgetting words to a song. what’s new with that? He’s old for Christ sake! And last but not least, the Hares………………………..
This week’s hash # 788 will be our Green Dress Hash! We will be heading to Malone’s in Scotts Valley. You lucky wankers will be at the mercy of Yours Truly and Occasional Rapist. We’re celebrating St Patrick’s Day a little early, but who cares. There will be a shitty trail and plenty of Irish libations.
Boob checks, boob checks, boob checks with some package checks tossed in.
It was Pink Cherry Licker’s 30th birthday hash and she celebrated with Mardi Gras beads and boob checks to earn them. Hashers met at Louie’s Cajun Kitchen for some New Orleans flair to start this hash off right. There were mounds of beads and masked hashers eager to throw, and earn, them…hashers are a lot of things, but shy isn’t one of them.
The hares
Our hare trio, Pink Cherry Licker, Shallow Hole, and Electric Labia Land, set course from Louie’s. As Hashers slowly spilled out the door a while later, they were lost almost immediately which became a sign of what was to come. This is the hare trio who brought us the Pirate Hash last year that no one could forget.
Hashers had a hard time solving the first check at Cooper and Front street so gathered on the corner waiting to see if someone could solve it. After some aimless wondering, most hashers finally found trail in the other direction. There was a risky mission crossing Mission street and the group stopped for another boob check then parted ways.
ThmpThmp, Shartickle Physics, Cock Throbbin & Ho to Housewife split in one direction to end up being the only hashers to do true trail, that headed up Escalona. Some hashers ran to the Old Sash Mill that ended in a YBF. Most made it to the hurricane check, which was a swanky set up. The true trail four caught the end of the hurricane check when Dirty Dolma & Twat Did You Say were climbing in a cab heading to Religion. That’s right, a cab. We think it was Twat’s Tinder date for the night who was the cab driver.
The swanky hurricane check
After more boob checks and more beads, trail ended by the old mission with a scenic lookout over downtown. Hashers made their way to religion shortly after where Dung Fu Grip was the Religious Advisor and Stub Rub was our precious Beer Fairy.
No surprise, hashers were pretty rowdy by this point with all the boobs and beer. Reeling them in was no easy task.
Fap Jack was given a down down for missing the hurricane check. Then he complained about hurricanes and was given another.
A whole lot of back sliders were given down downs:
Summers Yeast
Twat Did You Say
Dirty Dolmas
Apple Bobber
backsliders!
Then the two virgins were called up. Virgin Suzi was brought by Dirty Dolma and Virgin Randy (the taxi tinder date) was also brought by Dirty Dolma. Tinder Randy told what was kind of a joke and hashers groaned and Just Suzi was all about the cleavage.
The hares Pink Cherry Licker, Shallow Hole, and Electric Labia were called up for a shitty trail that lost hashers again.
Celebrating 25 hashes, Electric Labia Land and Just Foot Pussy were given down downs.
There was a pink cake and birthday song for Pink Cherry Licker who said farewell to her innocent twenties.
Happy Birthday PCL!
Hashers made it full circle and ended back up at Louie’s Cajun Kitchen for on-on-on.
Next week the hash meets at the Big Foot Museum, hoping to run into Sasquatch who might be able to direct them to true trail.
Valentines Day inspired the Surf City Bondage Hash last week. These hashers know safe words, ropes, and chains, but it’s probably the first time they ran toward a siren instead of ditching beers and running for cover.
Hashers gathered at Tampico Kitchen & Lounge where some hashers had to slip in under the radar since they’re on a watch list for this fine Santa Cruz establishment. Hares Shallow Hole and Hugh Heifer took off for this A to A trail promising bondage on trail, spank checks, and the need for safe words.
Hares Hugh Heifer & Shallow Hole are ready to leave hashers behind
There was no shortage of leashes, corsets, collars, whips and cuffs. Rope-tying tips were exchanged on trail so it’s safe to say bondage is welcome with these hashers. The bondage made some feisty as Sacramento Hash visitor Pork and Beans begged for spankings throughout the night and Co-GM ThmpThmp dished out even more s**t than usual.
Shortly after the Hares left, hashers were off their leashes. The promise of spanking on trail made hashers run faster than usual with everyone running every which way at the first check at Cathcart and Cedar. After losing trail for a little while, these half minds found it again at Washington and New Street.
Lost Hashers
Trail took hashers through some neighborhoods and into Light House Field where there was a Bum Wine Check that tasted like the regret most of these Hasher’s remember from their Valentines’ Day last year.
Lonely hasher Pork & Beans at Bum Wine Check
There was a hare snare on West Cliff. Hashers caught up to dBASED who led the hare snare and kept tailing them after they took off. Other hashers took the time for a picturesque whiskey check along the coast supplied by Just Foot Pussy. Hashers polished it off in a pre-religion taster.
Trail continued down to the Boardwalk and through the empty parking lot where some hashers lost trail until an alarm signaled Beer Near inviting hashers to run toward a locked door and blaring siren. While some hashers called the authorities to quiet the neighborhood down (another first on trail), the rest talked bondage, cages, locks and beer. Then everyone set off for religion, at the top of a parking lot downtown.
Curtesy Flush was the beer fairy to Religious Advisor Accuprick.
Occasional Rapist missed trail to get her hair done, which should mean a big down down for her pretty self next week.
The Royal Business
Princess (Di)arrhea raised royal business to award the honor of 50 hares to Timmy!! His nonbreakable, metal martini glass and declaration probably made him question what he’s done with his life, but take the rewards where you get ‘em!
Timmy!!’s declaration & permanent martini glass (we’ll see if he manages to break this one too)
Several Analversaries were celebrated:
Accuprick 169 hashes
Timmy!! 25 consecutive hashes
Puff the Magic Drag Queen 769 hashes
Everyone who missed beer check was called for a down down:
Pink Cherry Licker
Fap Jack
Accuprick
FingerNips
Our Hash Visitor from the Sacramento Hash Pork&Beans was called and then left his hat on and got another down down.
Pork & Beans visiting from the Sacramento Hash
Hare Shallow Hole was given a down down for disturbing the peace.
Hare snare: dBASED, Dung fu Grip, and Dog Breath were given down downs for the hare snare.
And hares Shallow Hole and Hugh Heifer were given a down down for their shitty trail. They were given a second down down for not providing more bondage on trail.
On-on was back at Tampico Kitchen where everyone else left when hashers settled in.
Everyone better be ready for the Mardi Gras Hash next!
Our Hares this week were Dung Fu Grip, Cock Throbbin, and Ho to Housewife, and they chose Santa Cruz Mountain Brewery as the start location. I love that place for their great beers and dog friendly patio. The Hares didn’t give much in the way of directions, but brought a pocket knife to give to a FRB. We gave it to Dog Breath. What the hell would we need that for? Self-defense? We’ve hashed through some pretty sketchy areas. We were promised a turkey eagle split.
True trail arrows lead through the parking lot past New Leaf to the railroad tracks for a bit. Trail went back out to the road, and we were on Seaside for several blocks, and then meandered in the direction of Bay. We soon found ourselves at the entrance to Neary Lagoon. Luckily the gate was open and the pack got through the lagoon before they locked the gate. There was a liquor check in the lagoon. A jar of pretty strong tequila lemonade. I heard the liquor was attached to something and the knife was to get it off. After exiting the lagoon, there was a tricky check. Someone yelled “on on” and we headed down Myrtle Street, but several FRB’s got suckered into a YBF! Those bastards! We were running around in all possible directions, but finely found flour and were on trail again. Trail lead to Laurent, across to California. There was another tricky spot, where hashers received help from a Good Samaritan to find trail. We crossed Misson Street, went through Trescony Park, then a long stretch down King Street. Finally, we crossed to the other side of Mission Street, through a parking lot and finally got to beer check at the Habitat for Humanity ReStore. We entered through the back door, walked through a maze of furniture to find the Hares drinking and eating vegan cheese and bread. Somehow Flip Flops on the Rocks mysteriously arrived at beer check at the same time as the FRB’s. Not sure how that happened. I did the eagle trail and my GPS measured 4.56 miles, but I ran around solving some checks and got caught at the YBF. While waiting for the pack to arrive, several hashers got the pleasure of trying out an electric wheelchair. If it wasn’t $800 bucks, we would’ve bought it for TIMMY!!!
Religion was inside the building. Accuprick was RA and Fap Jack was beer Fairy. Fap Jack and Electric Labia Land didn’t do trail, but were obviously drinking somewhere. Several walkers didn’t make liquor check (Pink Cherry Licker, Fingernips, Wicked Retahted, Occasional Rapist, and Hooker on Kronix, Bitch). TIMMY!!! and Fucked Over Fest did a wheelchair down down. Hooker on Kronix, Bitch found a children’s book of B words on trail to add to the SLO Hash Shit. Wicked Retahted found a rock and a hot wheels. Fucked Over Fest and Ho to Housewife celebrated their 25th Surf City Hash. Get a life! Harriettes beware! Dog Breath drank for being a dirty dog. Wicked Retahted was congratulated on actually finding trail and there was a rumor that he actually ran! There was blood on trail. Pink Cherry Licker got viciously attacked by a bush and Occasional Rapist saved her. I’ve seen people seriously injured from cactus, so stay the fuck away from those prickly bastards! Sharticle Physics tried to hide his racist tendencies by turning his NY Marathon shirt inside out. Dude, take it from me. Don’t ever wear race shirts to the hash! Electric Labia Land went off on some drunken rant that didn’t make sense. dBASED drank for making a statement about how one check sent him from FRB to DFL. Fucked Over Fest thought he had a tale from the trail, but forgot. Wicked Retahted prematurely yelled “beer near” and got all the DFL’s upset because he lied. Courtesy Flush and Snapping Twat drank for being backsliders. Courtesy Flush comes every 3 months and always buys a burrito on trail. He gave a lame excuse about being date raped by Bill Cosby. And last but not least, the Hares…………………………………..
Hash 779 started with hashers gathered around the bar (where you can usually find them) at Palomar in the harbor and a group of harriettes gathered around backslider Penis Is Good For Me fondling his stiff necklace.
Sausage Sampler visited from Quad Cities, Iowa and showed us how they hash over there. If he’s their representative they must be a crazy batch of hashers.
After a round or two, Father Daughter Hare Duo TIMMY!! and Pink Cherry Licker set out and hashers warmed up with another beer before heading out after them.
Trail started through the parking lot and up 6th Avenue where there was a lot of confusion and circling back on each other. Eventually trail was found again and we headed further into the harbor. This trail was brutal with a YBF that extended past Simpkins and not one LC!
Finally, this trail came to an end at Twin Lakes Park where DFL Just Foot Pussy strolled in after hashers had already been boozing it up for a bit.
Hooker on Chronics Bitch was talking some trash about being Urkel then told everyone to keep it quiet. She was talking to the hash scribe so that plan was blown like a toothless prositute.
Religion was picturesque with a bonfire on Twin Lakes Beach. In a rare sympathetic moment, Co-GM ThmpThmp decided religion should move away from the AA group meeting at the bonfire next door to show some respect. That may have been a neglected crime that night. Especially considering the AA-ers torched a rocking horse in their bonfire 20 minutes later. Innocence was burned to the ground, resulting in some awesome hash trash that Fucked Over Fest threatened to leave in some Hasher’s beds if they don’t’ watch it.
As hashers circled up, Wicked Retarhded introduced himself (again) to fellow hashers. Dog Breath & Dung Fu stripped down and jumped in the ocean. Turns out shrinkage is a real thing, folks.
Accuprick was the RA and Canadian Penny Slut was the Beer Fairy.
Hashers were rowdy as usual.
Dog Breath & Dung Fu were called up for their cold water swim and hashers sang “It’s a small dick after all.”
Dung Fu lost his shorts at least once and Finger Nipps couldn’t keep her hands off his horns.
Sausage Sampler was called up for visiting from Queer City Hash.
We all know hashers are bad at foreplay and tonight was no exception, they kept starting songs in the middle of a verse then everyone else kept singing over and over and over.
Then the backsliders were called up for a down-down:
Summers Yeast
Stub Rub
Just Foot Pussy
Fucked Over Fest
Broke Bench
Anyone who didn’t have a bottle opener was called up, which included pretty much everyone.
Maybe these lazy hashers will have bottle openers next time?!?!
Occasional rapist was called out by (current) husband dBASED for technology on trail.
Then the Hares!
TIMMY!! & Pink Cherry Licker answer for their shitty trail
Accuprick accused the trail of losing hashers. Pink Cherry Licker told a story about letting her real crazy out while she ran on the tracks to ward off other crazies. The trail was 5 miles long and left some hashers in the dust looking for shortcuts.
