Those of you who did not make the trek over the hill missed out on a great day!  Here’s a recap of what went down!

It was a lovely afternoon in Sunnyvale.  The kegs were tapped and hashers were socializing in a shady corner of the picnic area.  There was a group of people setting up pink tablecloths and decorations next to us.  Oh crap!  We were sharing the picnic area with 100 people having a christening party!  Apparently they shelled out the bucks to reserve the area.  Suckin’ Up Spouse later confessed that the hash did not reserve a picnic area.

I already fulfilled my exercise quota for the day, so I did not do trail.  Waxi Pad and I were much happier sitting in the shade drinking beer.  Thmp-Thmp was my eye witness reporter and gave me the low down.  Suckin’ Up Spouse and Butt Balls were Hares.  Butt Balls claimed he was injured, so Cums With Instructions served as stunt hare.  Trail pretty much sucked. Big surprise!  True Trail was hard to find at the first check.  The hares took the pack down some busy streets to a bar called Blue Bonnet.   It was hotter than hell in there!  Everybody was gathering around the only air conditioning vent in the bar in order to cool down. Trail bee lined it back along a culvert/water way. When the pack got to street or railroad crossings there was a fence on either side and most of them had holes for us to slip through.  At one point dBASED went through one fence then crossed 4 sets of railroad tracks and came running back saying we needed to go under the tracks via with pipe because there was no hole in the other fence.  Anyone who knows dBASED, knows to be leery when he gives you directions on trail.  Thmp-Thmp saw a huge hole in the fence and they went through the hole.  The pack had to climb the last fence.  Everybody made it over fine, but Summer’s Yeast kept saying, “I better not rip my $75 Lu Lu Lemon’s”.  What ever! She’s a new Harriette, so I will give her some advice.  NEVER wear expensive clothes to a hash!  It’s very likely that you will tear your clothes, or get dirt, mud, or blood on them.  After the fence, the pack split up, some took true trail, while others (Thmp-Thmp) said “fuck that shit” and went straight back to the park.  Religion was held in the bleachers.  Suckin’ Up Spouse was RA.  He rambled on for hours and hours while we baked in the hot sun.  There was a big spread of food ready for us when it was over.

Then it was time to play ball!  In Sloshball, you pitch to your own team.  Butt Balls did an awesome job as our pitcher.   Harriettes can choose to flash to get on first base.  The other rule is that when you get to second base, you must NOT cross the line without chugging a beer.   This rule was strictly enforced.  Team Simon G String recruited some young athletic virgins, and out of town hashers (like Cums with Instructions), to play for their team.  Since I can’t play softball, I elected to cheer and pour beer at second base with Ram Pam, GAS, and other Harriettes.  Just Robin also opted for second base.  I was warned to watch out for shady behavior.  In a past year, the ladies spiked the beers with vodka and got the opposing team wasted.  There was a pretty good view from second base.  There was cold beer and shade.  There was only one near miss when a ball came straight at us.  No one spilled their beer.

It was a close game!  The Simon G String young studs seemed to be making most of the defensive plays in left field.  It was a hard fought battle, but our team came through in the end!  We won 12 to 11.    Tits and Game won MVP!  She did a great job at first base!  Twisted Fister played short stop and caught a lot of balls flying at his face.   He also kept getting called out for clapping every time one of the male virgins showed us a little booty.  Timmy had to look away every time Pink Cherry Licker was up to bat, as he knew she wasn’t going to bat because she didn’t have a bat in her hand.  Princess Di (arrhea) was catcher, but then realized it was more fun on second base.  Summer’s Yeast tried to bat once, but then came to the conclusion that she was better off flashing.  She did have some issues with the second base rule.  I almost had to tackle her at the end because she was close to crossing the line.  It was a pretty fair game.  There was only one argument with the umpires about a call.  I was drinking and didn’t know what it was about.  Thmp-Thmp played one inning and relied heavily on his shit talking skills to help our team win.  Paki Sack got least valuable player.  Stick to cricket dude!

After the game, there was a trophy presentation.  Suckin’ Up Spouse announced that since they did not spend money to rent the picnic area, they had $300 bucks to spend at the bar!  I’m sure those who stayed the night had a great time!

Big thanks are due to:

Our GM’s and most excellent organizers – Princess Di (arrhea) and Thmp-Thmp

Twisted Fister – Team Captain for Over the Hill Drunks

Butt Balls – Organizer, team co-captain, equipment lugger

Lil Anal Annie – Hash Hash (food)

Suckin’ Up Spouse – Organizer, hare and RA

Cums With Instructions – Stunt hare

Nothing Interesting – Beermeister

Morning Missile- Organizer and BREWMASTER (He made all the beer!), but he was traveling and not present at the event

DuHHH – Hash cash

…and thanks to all of the Simon G-Strings for being such gracious hosts and losers.

It was a great group effort on everybody’s part.  I’m looking forward to next year!

On On,

Shallow Hole

Our Hash scribet’s seem to all be burned out on scribing, so despite not deciding to be the scribe until numerous days after the fact, I will dive on it this week. I suggest that others offer in future weeks. I will help you get your work published. In years before the internet, I once saw a writeup done as a hand drawn map with stick figures I think. I once did a writeup when I was around 3,000 miles away when the hash happened. About every third sentence in that write-up was “Fuck you doggy style!”, and I was not even mad, just trying to be funny. Some people got it, some people thought it was pornography. Some people thought it both.

This weeks meetup started at Brady’s Yacht club and pirate’s ruled the roost. I got questions about whether this was some sort of annual pirate day and had to explain we only dress up like pirates periodically, but drink somewhere every Thursday.

On this day we had 3 hares and I’ve always believed as the number of hares grows beyond 2, the chances for fucking up grows exponentially. While I didn’t personally experience an egregious fuck ups on this trail, it’s probably because I ended up running inside or outside the true trail most of way. However, comment from the pack and even the hares, suggest it was impossible to run true trail without running through a false.

Trail started innocently enough towards Seabright beach. I figured a tour of the yacht harbor was in order, so as the pack headed down Cypress Ave, I paralleled on Seabright Ave, anticipating a left turn towards the yacht harbor. When I reached East Cliff and no trail appeared, I figured I would loop around and somehow connect back with the pack. It appears true trail crossed Murray at Mott, however I took Murray towards the boardwalk anticipating a river crossing there.

When I found no trail at the railroad trestle, it was time for a gentle loop back. So, first I headed up Buena Vista, hoping to possibly catch trail going into the backside of OceanView park, or possibly at 5 corners. I eventually found trail on Price St, and the pack trying to solve a check at Windsor and Seabright.

Trail at this point headed down Windsor, but I figured there was a 50/50 chance it would come back to Seabright, or least go to top of Yacht Harbor at Arana Gulch. So, I proceeded up Seabright, with a right on Soquel, then a right on Mentel into Arana Gulch. I encountered the pack again at the top of the Yacht Harbor.

Now, the only way for the pack to get where I saw them then and when I saw then last was to go through Frederick Street park. And, indeed that is how they went. However, apparently the only way to find trail leaving Frederick Street park was to run through a false, which someone how the pack figured out. The pack I encountered found trail going left out of Frederick Street park. DFL’s later turned right, went through a false, also found trail. Somehow, it was later determined these DFL’s were the only hounds to follow the entire true trail.

As I encountered the pack, they were exiting the Yacht Harbor on Brommer. Taking Brommer had only one logical consequence to me – an eventual Yacht Harbor crossing On Murray. So, I am abandoned the pack for third time, and made my first good decision. I headed down the far side of the Yacht harbor and encountered a check just below the railroad tracks. Naturally, trail proceeded across the Yacht harbor on the railroad tracks.

At this point I was by myself. No sign of any Hasher anywhere in the vicinity. I figured I was WAY in front of the FRB’s. I encountered Liquor Check across the bridge and in the bushes and brought it out to easily found by the pack. Ew was that Liquor Check some nasty moonshine! I had one taste and spit out.

I then continued on down the railroad tracks, but soon discovered that trail did not. I doubled back and found a pack arrow across the street from where the Liquor Check was. So, there were some FRB’s in front of me!

At this point, it was basically a jaunt down the Yacht harbor and to Seabright beach. Apparently, Pink Cherry Licker and Electric Labia Land were on the cliffs above launching water balloons at the pack. Perhaps because I was a lone Hasher at this point, none were sent in my direction that I could decipher. It was a right turn on to the soft sand and another Liquor Check before the beer check. Apparently the Liquor Check was somehow initially buried in the sand, but the FRB’s unburied it by the time I got there.

It was a long wait at the beer check for pack to finally arrive and I went to back to Brady’s to get warm clothes and by the time I returned the pack was beginning to migrate to religion.

Religious Adviser for the night was Dung Fu grip with a beer fairy that I cannot recall. We had down downs for our scribes who are failing to their duty of recent, for the three Hashers (Occasional Rapist, Just Paul and Shameless Butt Plug) who were reported the only 3 Hashers to do the trail completely and correctly and a ceremony around the return of Can’d Hashit that Dog Breath had stolen which required intimate body parts from all 4 Can’d Hashers in attendance. Then, 2 Black and White units showed up and it was time to get out of dodge.

I headed home at this point, but evidence from the Hash Flash indicates that a second naming opportunity for Just Lori resulted in Summer’s Yeast and that Just Heather become Ho to Housewife. I’ll note that Summer’s Yeast name somehow reminds me of Winters Bone. No, it’s not a porno. Look it up. It was nominated for 4 academy awards and had Jennifer Lawrence in it.

Do you Remember way back to Hash 756? Occasional Rapist, Wicked Retahted, and Dang Fu Grip (acting as hash historian and RBCB) started us off at Castaways where they pour a pretty strong cocktail. D’BASED went around trying to get everyone to join Life 360 so we can all see where everyone is. He says it’s so we don’t lose anyone in the woods again. I think it’s an elaborate plan to snare hares who forget to sign out. Most will remember, but there’s going to be someone who doesn’t. It’s the long con. The hares were off! They told us to look out for a liquor check and some hidden facts about the Hash founder “G.” This hash fell on his birthday.
We all circled up out back. We had a surprise backslider, the curly haired offspring of Mother’s Little Feltcher and Sausage Slam. They came with stroller in tow. However, it wasn’t the stroller that slowed down the pack. It was out complete inability to solve the first check. We looked every conceivable direction, some people logged a full mile before we even found on two. We finally found the trail and the pack was off.
We found the liquor check out on the railroad tracks. It was some kind of pink strawberry mash (perfect for your scribe). There was the only fact I ended up seeing, but I’m told it wasn’t the first. We spent a lot of time on the tracks (hurray something new and different for us). We had to climb a ridiculous fence. Then we ended up going down toward Capitola Village. I’m sure that some people were a little skeptical when trail pointed down the wharf. Perhaps they remembered the YBF that caught Dog Breath and Twisted Fister last time we headed out this way. As it turns out, the first beer check was located down at the end of the Wharf at the Wharf House. There was only one employee for the whole front of the house and she didn’t give a whale’s fart about us. There were no pitchers, so the hares provided a few pints for us to share. But that’s ok, we could buy some cocktails! Or not. I’m not sure who you had to blow to get a drink around there, but we all wondered off before figuring it out.
We gave the hares a few minutes to set the rest of the trail and then followed them down the coast. The final beer check was at Privates Beach. Dung Fu Grip and Dog Breath stripped down to swim in the uncharacteristically warm Santa Cruz water. Then we dragged the coolers back up the stairs and headed to Wicked’s casa for religion.
There was a nice spread with chips and dip and home made hash courtesy of Dung Fu Grip. We sat around a roaring camp fire enjoying some well deserved beer. Timmy served as RA and picked Twisted Fister as Beer Fairy. Hugh Heifer got called up for yelling on-on when she should have said on-one back at that first check that confused us so much. Wicked had invited a few virgins, and not told them anything (of course). Virgin Randy did the whole trail in flip flops. Both Virgin Randy and Virgin Preacher told jokes. Then it was time to call up the hares!

Here are Dung Fu Grip’s fun facts about our founder:

Here are my fun facts in order of appearance:

1. Hashing is based on the British school game “Hare and Hounds” or the Paper Chase c.1800
2. Modern Hashing originated in late 1938 in what is now Malaysia, organized by Albert Stephen Ignatius Gispert (G) and 11 others
3. The “Hash House Harriers” take their name from the Royal Selangor Club, or “Hash House” where several hashers lived
4. The original 4 tenants of hashing are:
1. To promote physical fitness among our members
2. To get rid of weekend hangovers
3. To acquire a good thirst and to satisfy it in beer
4. To persuade the older members that they are not as old as they feel
5. G was killed in action on 11 February 1943. However, the original hashers reformed after the war and the second kennel was created in 1962, and spreading from there.

The inner historian would like to point out that this is a drastically simplified version of the events, and liberties were taken to increase the prominence of G, as while he is the holy martyr of half-mindedness, he was merely a first amongst equals in the original hash house.