Let’s start by saying Severino’s is way too classy for our crew.

I don’t think older people have ever looked so scornful and ashamed for my generation as they did when I walked across the floor in front of their little jazz band set up in my lepre-pussy shirt, tiny kilt and beer socks. Actually, upon further thought, I think Just Foot Pussy showing his gigantic ass bruise on the back patio probably brought more shame.

Accuprick and Thmp thmp our hares led us all over the place! We pissed off an old man because traffic signals are hard! There were mudslides (not the alcoholic kind) rather the kind that took Genital tongs down on her ass (I guess the alcoholic kind could do that too). There were shamrock shakes at liquor check and that was pretty awesome! What wasn’t awesome was not finding trail when we hit the check at the end of the rail road tracks. Apparently they swear there was some at the gas station (we never verified so its probably lies).

Despite it all, we managed to make it to beer check at Deadliest Snatch and Rat Pussy’s place!

They had some amazing stew, corned beef and cabbage, jello shots and all sorts of goodness for us including a salamander! (maybe I’m the only one who gave a shit about that)

We managed to make it over to religion in the parking lot of the palo alto medical foundation. There was a slight change of rules, no beer fairy, just Dung fu chucking beer at people if they chucked beer on him with Brokebench of course being the first to test these rules.First down down was for those who didn’t even get as far as making first liquor check (pathetic!). The Betty Ford wankers who got to experience the final drunken bacteria-filled Jacuzzi fuck fest got their down downs. Apparently doing trail is not even involved because dBased was the only one to do trail and everyone else knew the rules that you never follow dBased.

We found out just how old Hangs Loose was because he could not manage to internet properly, I bet if Puff’s hash flash link said “spam titties” he would have found it no problem. Down downs were then given toCumfart Zone and Vaginal Repair Kit who got the free crossfit beer, I personally try to stay away from that sort of activity. We were then blessed with two virgins! Virgin Minnie and Virgin Laura. Virgin Laura made a big impression on Banana Basher by threatening his manhood the first time they met and will TEMPORARILY be known as “just the Big O” if she can manage to stick around long enough to earn it (or something worse!). The night just kept getting better from there as we got to see shamrock pasties on some of our harriettes Bacon Queef and Occasional Rapist. To top that Puff seems to be suffering from dementia because he surprised and concerned us all by wearing brand new shoes! And he drank out of both. Gross! Lucky for you if you didn’t make it this week you can watch a video of it here:

The backsliders of which there were many, drank their down downs. And last and actually probably least the hares!

This week stay tuned for some Zombie Jesus debauchery with me and Electric Labia Land!

On on,

Pussy Wood

Trail 843 started off well enough at JJ’s Saloon in Soquel, a common start for the hash. We had been pounded with rain for days before and even got a teaser about an hour before trail. But really, how awesome was the sky and the DOUBLE FUCKING RAINBOW that we all saw on the way to the hash? Or at least those of us who were brave enough to face the rain. Our hares for the evening were Dung Fu and Twisted Fister. Twisted has been faking a hurt back and just spending all his time with Toilet Baby, training her to get beers from the fridge so we haven’t seen him too much lately.

Trail took us straight into the hills then directly into the shiggy. We were teased past the high school and got a cotton candy tasting nastiness LC early on trail. I took a sip of it but ditched the rest. This is also where I ditched Toilet Baby back with Twisted because despite the lies Twisted tries to tell you, she is not runner friendly… at least not with me.

After LC we hit the turkey-eagle split. Turkey trail went up the HUGE ASS HILL in blue balls park. We wrapped around then descended into some serious shiggy (There was a bitch out trail option for the sissies), where we had to use a rope to descend into a dry creek bed filled with trash and debris and probably some human poop only to have to pull ourselves out 100 yards later with another rope. Thankfully the king of the homeless camp was on top of the climb, supervising us.

As we exited back out onto Soquel I thought for sure that trail was nearing an end as we had experienced some intensity on trail. Nope! We still had another 2 miles of circling around to complete before we ended up at beer check in Lion’s Park. Miraculously, no cops showed up! I was shocked, seeing that this was the longest beer check I have ever experienced in my life. People were missing, Dung Fu ran back and forth to the bar maybe twice looking for people before the pack decided to leave and head to religion.

Apparently, the extra time at beer check allowed for extra beers and BOY, oh BOY was it a shit-show at religion. Accu kept saying he wanted to get it over quick but hashers couldn’t focus for more then 30 seconds before getting into a side conversation with their drunk mate. Myself and Cock Throbbin almost made a mid-religion getaway, but how could I tell you tales of religion if I wasn’t there?

What can I tell you? Thmp-Thmp was our beer fairy for the evening, Princess let him wear the crown for a little while before rightfully taking it back. Moose Terd Pie was called up for something or another and gave us a drunk rambling of the landmark history of Soquel before being yanked back into circle. Bacon Queef celebrated her 50th hash with Surf City, happy 50th analversary… Get a Life! Right behind her was her hubs, Just Foot Pussy who was given a down down for hurting his pussy foot and hobbling along trail all gimpy and stuff. Wicked and Finger Nips were given a down down for being smart…. I mean… skipping beer check.

We even had a naming! Just TIm was given the name Vaginal Repair Kit for his handiness in repairing CumFartZone’s private jewelry with his contractor skills. We said goodbye to some out of town visitors that night too, who had to catch a 6:30am flight out of San Jose the next morning. Yes, their flight LEFT at 6:30am…. way too early for me… but they still came out to the hash!

Last order of business for the evening was the hares, who tried to kill us…. but we still love!

Why I need to hash scribe when puff sends out hash flash emails like that still baffles me, but I am a half-mind so I am often baffled. This week Thmp and Princess (our hares)had some serious backsliders crawl out of the woodworks for them!

The crepe place was poppin’ with hashers many of which I did not recognize. Once we finally managed to head out we hit a speed check immediately…and about a million others along our route. There was a debacle involving one of the speed checks and Pink Cherry Liquor where she went the wrong way and threw the pack off despite her denying the incident or having some sort of story I feel like there were lies thrown around by everyone and placing blame on her is much easier!

Once we got led around here and there for a while like many times before we found dBased off on his own, he didn’t fall for PCL’s tricks and actually ended up on proper trail solving on the speed checks for the pack who fell about 15-20 min behind. We eventually got to JFP and Bacon Queef’s for beer check, tits were shown, pussies were pet, beer was drank and packages were delivered. After all that good stuff we got over to Casa de Puff’s for Religion.

Dung-fu was our religious advisor and the first order of business was to down-down those backsliders! Banana Basher, Broke Bench, Dog Breath, Apple Bobber, Bacon Queef, Pedofiddler (we will get to that), Tits n Game and Moose Turd Pie all got their down downs! Most of them came down with the zika virus in some form, which explains the shrunken brains characteristic of microcephaly they seem to exhibit. Tits n game wasn’t coming because she wasn’t cumming, someone help her out! Moose Turd Pie was in Yosemite frolicking in the forest. Pedofiddler said her name was awful and she demanded a new one, since the hash could not seem to have remembered her muggle name (Even before she had a hash name) the general confusion Jessic-jenn-jang-GENITAL TONGS as named byFingernips emerged and she had a new hash name.

So from here on out she will be known as “Genital Tongs”. We had some visitors as well Michael fuckin Vick (as he put it, “you throw a beer can in the direction of a dog ONE TIME”) and Trashbag Coochie were visiting from Humboldt. I think Broke Bench attempted to sodomize Dog Breath and the plastic chair, rather than be involved just decided it was better to die and it exploded, they got a down down for that.

This is why Puff has so many chairs because when you have hashers over you definitely can’t expect to get your security deposit back. We also had a VIRGIN! Virgin Cassie had a simple but good joke with “How do you make 5 lbs of fat look good?”…You put a nipple on it. Which is factual. PCL got her backcheck scandal down-down. There were some more down-downs given something about dog breath having a flashlight up his ass or something I forget.

We also had beer day celebrations! Thmp and Michael fuckin Vick got their song. Finally the hares! Thmp-thmp and Princess laid a truly shitty trail! It’s the gay chicken team next week with Twisted and Dung-fu leading the way through a shitty trail!

On-on,

Pussy Wood

So what, they were a week late to the game, but that was easily forgotten as the pack was immersed into the Mardi Gras spirit!

The lack of tit and package checks was disappointing, but otherwise a truly amazingly shitty trail! It started with lots of beads and as much beer as the single Santa Cruz Mountain Brewer Bartender could handle! Fingernips is clearly an experienced hasher because she went across the way for a beer and smuggled it easily over to SCMB. The trail was short and shitty, but we somehow made it to the alleyway behind Timmy’s house. Seriously liquor check was hurricanes and then we were suddenly behind Timmy’s house this trail was SHORT, but no complaints here.

Upon arrival at casa de TIMMY! We were greeted with fire, Gumbo and a shitty atmosphere of hashers. We had a quick religion with backsliders and visitors getting shit first: Summers yeast, Fifth hole, Arabian Goggler,  Drink n Squirt and Accu Prick our religious advisor himself with a backsliding beer fairy Cock Throbbin. We had a Virgin Nate who discussed his issues with midget abuse (future name if he makes it to his 5^th hash). I am glad Just Foot Pussy had the balls to complain about the lack of tit and package checks.

I will say that on in was the best part of trail. Homemade gumbo, a big happy birthday fuck you to PCL and LIVE BAND made this hash a special one! If you missed the cajun hash band there is video up on the surf city fb page. Hopefully this trail finds itself on the list of best hashes at AGM!

Also, if you wankers didn’t make it out to the CAN’d red dress yesterday you missed out! Talk about a party! Can’t wait until ours!

On-on,

Pussy Wood

This week, Ho to Housewife popped not one, but 2 Hare cherries! Whoo Hoo!  They don’t call her Ho for nothing!  She was in charge of training Rat Pussy and Deadliest Snatch how to lay their first trail.  They chose the Blue Lounge on Seabright as their start location.  They actually had a welcome sign for us.  Pretty cool considering hashers are more likely to get banned from bars.  You could tell from the looks on the Hares’ faces that the pressure was on.  Princess also looked like she had her doubts.  It is a little nerve wracking to be a Hare,  but think of it as an adventure!  We had a Virgin this week.  Virgin Thomas recently moved here from Montana.  His sister from Idaho made him cum!  At least she told him about the hash and to check it out.

So how did the new Hares fair? Trail was shitty of course, but there were no major disasters.  No one died or got lost on trail.  The eagle trail was 4.52 miles according to my GPS. I don’t know how long the turkey was.  I was feeling bad ass running with the wolf dog, Chewy “AKA Poon Doggie”.  That guy has a lot of energy and Hangs Loose is too out of shape to run with him anymore.  We ran out of the bar and took off at blistering speed down the sidewalk.   We went up Seabright, took a left and headed toward East Cliff Drive.  There was a liquor check in Ocean View Park.  Tasted like a Screwdriver.  There was a little confusion finding the marks leading out of the park, but someone yelled “On On” and we continued down Ocean View Avenue.   A bunch of hashers were stopped at a corner for no reason.  Then I realized it was a boob check!  Trail turned right on Windham and continued for several blocks.  We started seeing dBASED’s initials at checks.  He shortcutted and was ahead of the pack.  He actually guessed right at a bunch of checks and even went back to one check to mark the correct way!  We ended up going through Fredrick Street Park.  At the bottom of the stairs, there was a package check and the turkey-eagle split.  The eagles went left through the harbor and exited out Brommer Street.  It was then that Courtesy Flush caught up with the pack.  There was a muddy shiggy section in back of Simpkins Park and a shitty trek down the railroad tracks to 7^th Avenue.  There was a liquor check in the bushes but Courtesy Flush and I couldn’t find it.  Today is Monday later said it was there and we didn’t see it.  Oh well.  Trail continued down 7^th, to Eaton, across the Murry Street Bridge and back down to the harbor.  Beer check was near the lighthouse.

Religion was on Seabright Beach. It was getting pretty cold.  Luckily there was an abandoned fire, so hash quickly took it over.  Dung Fu Grip was RA and Fingernips was Beer Fairy.  dBASED got a congratulatory down down for staying on trail.  This past week, Thmp-Thmp was informed of an accusation against the hash.  Slonad said a guy was accusing several hashers of harassing him.  Apparently TIMMY!!! knocked his cart over in a a grocery store! LOL.  He’s knocked over his fair share of martini glasses.  He get tipsy, but I highly doubt he’s a shopping cart tipper.   Hugh Heifer followed the guy home.  That part I can believe.  And there was more to the story, but I forgot.  Courtesy Flush and Bareback Unicrack drank for showing up late to the hash.  Just Tim was accused of stealing someone’s Christmas decoration from their yard.  It’s Februray, and they shouldn’t still have their Christmas decorations up anyway.  Virgin Thomas disappointed the pack with a lame joke.  Puff celebrated his 825^th Hash!  Get a life!  And last but not least, the Hares………………

On On,

Shallow Hole

This past Thursday’s trail brought the pack out to The Over the Hill Gang Saloon. I had never been here, never really had a draw for me. I arrived alongside Shallow Hole and as we were walking through their swinging doors in the front several hashers were coming outside. I said “Oh, are we late?”, I assumed they were going to circle up. Turns out they were going outside because they couldn’t handle the cigarette smoke inside. This bar never left 1850. Smoke filled room, roulette table off to the side and what appeared to be an empty gun rack. Booze, gambling and guns.. seems reasonable.

Our hares for the evening were dBased and Virgin Hare Courtesy Flush, who decided he should dress as Abe Linclon. Perhaps he was trying to dress as a man of the times so that he would fit in with the bar décor. I will tell you that by the end of trail I did wanted to put a bullet in his head….

Trail started out heading towards 41st on Portola but quickly jerked us behind the shopping center where Castaway’s is. Apparently trail went back in the neighborhoods where we would have had to jump a fence (had trail been clearly marked). Unfortunately, most of the pack completely missed this section and just played chicken with the cars in the parking lot and crossing back onto Portola before hitting a (what seemed) very early Liquor Check behind Frenchy’s: Santa Cruz’s finest adult store. The Liquor also turned out to be nasty ass bum wine.

We took 41st down to East Cliff where we went straight for a very long time before having to risk our lives jumping rocks and walkways with waves pounding into the rocks 5 feet away from us and of course it was pitch dark. We got pretty turned around on E Cliff in the Moran Lake area all the while dodging cars in the fog….cause there was no sidewalk….. We took 25th and 26th back up to Portola then down 30th, where we had to run through a false, then took the butterfly, I mean shitty mud walk down to the beach where we were greeted with a warm fire, beer and smores.

Religion was held at Wicked’s house, who always supplies lots of chairs for our hasher asses and a great fire to keep us warm. He also played David Bowie all night, in tribute to the man. Accuprick was our religious advisor for the evening and TransCuntnanal was our beer fairy. First order was to punish those who skipped trail and just showed up for the end, Wicked and Bareback Unicrack drank for their sin. We celebrated Just Foot Pussy’s 50th Surf City hash, get a life dude. Hangs Loose doesn’t learn and was given a down down for wearing a Boston Marathon jacket to the hash, the most racist of all races!

There was a large group of hashers who received their happi coats and were given a down down to help break it in. We also had a virgin, Virgin Tim, who CumFartZone made cum. Virgin Tim wasted no time and gave us a flash and a little jiggle at the same time.

On On On was pack’s will, my ass went home.

Ho to Housewife