We all should have known better when we received this week’s trail invitation and it didn’t even have the right trail number on it. These hares were confused long before trail was laid. We all showed up anyhow, at Ye Olde Watering Hole, with hopes that our $8 will get us enough beer to forget this night.

The pack quickly filled up the bar and mortals mumbled unintelligible grumblings as they fled the area. As soon as the hares thought we were starting to get tipsy enough to surely forget this shitty trail they stood before us and told us lies while Toilet Baby longingly searched the crowd for Puff, the keeper of the dog treats.

Once on trail, we crossed over Mission on Swift and started up the path after Escalona on Grandview, a common route for the hash. As we reached the top of the hill we quickly stumbled across a liquor check mark. Here is one of the first of many lies of the evening, turns out it was bum wine and not liquor at all.

A little distance out we reach a check that we find leads us up an incredibly steep hill, about 90 feet up over the course of 150ft. If anyone still knows how to do geometry or some shit, you can figure out the incline percentage there and likely be impressed. Math is hard. We approach the top of the hill to a chalk mark of STFU, which we were told about at the bar. When we see this we are to Shut The Fuck Up! As the pack circles around I hear someone yelling, What does STFU mean? Oh, Shut the Fuck Up!” I guess although they can read they cannot comprehend, we are only half-minds after all. Trail leads us into someone’s backyard and when Dog Breath figures this out he turns the pack around, not wanting to trespass. Perhaps Dog Breath has been traveling so much recently that he forgets we LOVE trespassing! As I’m coming down the hill I feel branches and leaves hitting my legs, but as I’ve never had poison oak after being exposed I saw no harm in this, I had assumed I wasn’t allergic. Hey guys, turns out I’m allergic. Oh my itchy scratchy! Anyone else with me?

Our alternate route to the backyard is to either climb over a barbed wire fence or wiggle through the gate as it’s held open by other hashers. I chose to go over the fence and as Puff grabbed, I mean pushed my ass over the fence Thmp-Thmp provided support so I didn’t end up face planted on the other side. In hindsight I should have gone through the fence, where Dung Fu Grip, Dog Breath and Thmp-Thmp pushed and pulled the gates apart enough for fellow hashers to wiggle through.

The next little treat the hares had for us was Miramar Hill. Most of the pack was convinced trail went down Miramar and ran down only to discover nothing. Turns out trail actually went the opposite direction on Miramar and took us on Alta Vista and across Nobel before having us come down the Bay Drive Walkway in the median, a big descent with some wooden bridges, dirt and pavement.

We weaved over on Anthony before crossing Mission via Olive, where the hares were kind enough to navigate us to a crosswalk for easier crossing on such a busy street. That was about the only thing they did right on trail. We cut through the back parking lot of some businesses then turned onto Palm St, which if you were as foolish as myself to not turn off you found yourself at a back-check 8 after passing over the railroad tracks. Turns out true trail turned right down Seaside before having us end for beer check at Garfield Park.

After we devoured the kettle chips provided by the hares we decided it was time to get to religion which was held in the back parking lot of the nearby Safeway. We weren’t there a mere 3 or 4 minutes before security started getting curious. Who takes off to talk to them but Puff the Magic Drag Queen and Hugh Heifer. We aren’t sure what was said, but it worked and we carried out an entire religion although I suspect the hares should not expect to get any cash back from this trail.

Beer Fairy for the evening was newly named Transcuntnanal. We quickly jumped into the public shamings; first bringing up Pink Cherry Liquor and Fap Jack for skipping trail completely and getting Chinese Food instead.

One thing that can be said about trail is the lack of visible markings, there was a false (barely) spotted on Alta Vista about 6 inches long hiding behind a trash can. When Cock Throbbin was interrogated about the size of her false marking her response was that her entire life men had been telling her that 6 inches was huge. With Dog Breath being the first hasher to have hared with Cock Throbbin and dBASED as being responsible for making sure everyone understands how trail should be laid were given down-downs for failing this hare duo of Twisted Fister and Cock Throbbin.

The few hashers that did cut through someone’s backyard instead of going through the fence were given down downs; Today Is Monday, Transcuntnanal and Drink ‘n Squirt.

There were two analversaries to celebrate. Hugh Heifer celebrated her 369th hash and TIMMY!!! celebrated his 475th hash and even though we didn’t have a patch for TIMMY!!! we celebrated and gave him a down-down anyway.

We gave Dick N’ Squirt a down-down for being a visitor before bringing up our virgins. Virgin Jennifer was made to come by Just Jessica. She said she brought us Virgin Jennifer so we would stop calling her Jennifer. Just Jennifer sang the appropriately titled “Like A Virgin” with a little help from her friend. Virgin Wendy was made to come by Just Mirit. Virgin Wendy gave us a bedazzled flash and later had her date entertain us with a joke.

And the hares!

On-On,
Ho to Housewife

Last Thursday brought us out to Monty’s in Felton, the bar that most refer to as “that bar across from Henry Cowell, right?” where we ran another shitty trail and helped Hugh Heifer pre-game for her beerthday which actually fell on Saturday, the same day as our Red Dress Run. Hashers filled the inside of Monty’s while all the “normal folk” rolled their eyes and started to slink into the back of the bar. The clock rolled around to 6:45, our hares not only hadn’t taken off yet, but they couldn’t be found. Someone said, “the hares are outside smoking a joint”, so of course the party moved outdoors to a slightly drizzling setting. As much as we need the rain, it would be great if it could not rain on hashing nights.

After much booze and other inibriators, the hares decided it was time to go lay their shitty trail which we soon found out they took quite literally. As we entered Henry Cowell we immediately started playing hop-scotch over huge piles of horse shit. It’s time like these where I wonder why there isn’t a clean up after your horse ordinance, similar to that of dogs. But I digress, let’s get back to the issue at hand.

There was a turkey/eagle split that I think took the turkeys directly back to the beer. The eagles got some nice trail running in with their game of hop-scotch before ending at one of the Felton covered bridges.

Once we got kicked out of beer check we headed on for religion. I guess someone thought we were trespassing. We were just hanging out, man. No dis-respect, man. Land is a gift to be enjoyed by all and ownership of such a thing is a human construct. I digress, yet again…..

Subsequently, we headed to religion which was appropriately held in a church parking lot. What a better place to celebrate our beliefs and rejoice in our blessings! Unfortunately, the church did not agree. They found the celebration of our beliefs to be rude and disturbing and quickly kicked us out although not before we got a few celebrations in. First, we shunned all those who ran the relay the weekend before, who could easily be spotted in their kilts. Snapping Twat, Shallow Hole, Occasional Rapist, dBASED and Dung-Fu Grip were all part of this catastrophic event and were given a down-down.

dBASED tried to call out Thmp-Thmp for confusing the word deer with tits (one track mind?) but don’t you know we made dBASED take a down-down too, just for fun 🙂

Next up we had a new face, Virgin Raquel, who did us a little song and dance. Perhaps it’s dancing that this church didn’t like since right after this is when we were booted from the area.

Back to Monty’s we go, where they take all kinds… sort of like the hash. We resumed religion in the patio area for the naming of Just Pauline and Just Dan.

Just Pauline is a grad student who studies lizards and gets really excited on trail for free wood! Since she’s a student she is broke and to make money she crochets pussy hats. Gentlemen, this is not a hat you want to get for your wife’s pussy but maybe something to keep your feline warm in the winter, cause cats are always in the market for hats. I know the cats I’ve had refuse to even wear a collar, let alone a hat. With this information we sent Just Pauline into the corner to discuss her name. The pack has given her the name “Pussy Wood”.

Next up we have Just Dan, who is also a grad student (I think, I could also be making that up) who studies inner tide fish with names like Clit Fish…. at least that’s what we heard. He has also traveled the world and has explored his sexual deviancy on trains around the world. Hugh volunteered to take Just Dan away while we discussed his name and asked him if he wanted to wait in her truck, since it’s her beerthday and all. Unfortunately, the pack was quick to decide on a name for Just Dan and they didn’t make it past the picnic tables before we called them back. From now on Just Dan will be known as Transcuntnanal.

And the hares! While Cum Lord couldn’t be found for religion, Hugh took in all the glory of her shitty trail. And while in this photo she appears to be barely standing I have a feeling this woman is just getting warmed up.

No one could say where this week’s trail is going to be and while yesterday I saw the announcement for trail 798, I’m still hoping someone will announce trail 797.

May the hash go in peace,
Ho to Housewife

As we received the trail announcement for Trail 792 we all pondered what these speed checks Dung Fu could be talking about. Was he bringing his junkie friends? No need since trail was in Pogonip, Santa Cruz’s most junkie friendly area.

As I arrived to trail start the cars were already stacking up at the entrance and as I approached I could hear the sound of a fiddle being played. I suppose this is better than some dueling banjos as we approach this wooded area.

Us half-minds crowd around TIMMY!!!s beer truck and notice there are new faces among us. First we meet Virgin Jennifer who as it turns out, was the player of the fiddler and entertained us again at religion with a ballad of domestic abuse. A true hasher in the making. Next we meet Virgin Pauline and Virgin Dan who couldn’t decide if he was a virgin or not. Turns out no one made them come, they are all self-motivators and possibly a little masochistic.

Dung Fu is spotted coming out of Pogonip from finishing up his pre-lay and quickly jumps into the explanation of a speed check. I still don’t get it, but it has lots of arrows in directions you may go and one is right.

Before we can ask any questions, Dung Fu is back out to solo hare the trail and the rest of us slug our beers and poke for at each other. Once the pack is unleashed we quickly come up on a speed check, first found by Courtesy Flush, who somehow managed to do trail without a stop at a local taqueria that night. Turns out the correct direction to go was up! Up and up and up we went and just when you thought you might go down trail a bit, we went up some more. Almost to the top of our trail we came across 3 mountain bikers by the goldfish (koi?) pond who were nice (smart) enough to not drink the horrible concoction Dung Fu stashed for our liquor check.

Finally we made our way to the top of our hash trail and then we started going down, which was welcomed at first but soon presented twisted ankles and sore knees. We passed the old clubhouse which was used in the filming of our most famous local movie, The Lost Boys. As we waited for everyone to finish we realized we lost a virgin. Some CAN’D guys went back out onto trail to try to find her as it was getting dark. Luckily, Occasional Rapist found her playing her fiddle back at the start of trail so we all headed onto religion which was held in the culdasac of a street behind Bocci’s.

I can’t remember much about religion, except that we got a ballad from Virgin Jennifer and two jokes I couldn’t hear from Virgin Pauline and Virgin Dan, probably heard them before anyway…. the pack finished up on-on-on at Bocci’s which I heard was hosting their heavy metal night.

On-On Half-minds
Ho to Housewife

I will make this short and fucked (just like trail) but not without a little treat for all of those who comment to me how much they love my writing style and can’t wait to read my hash all they time, so I will start with telling you that we all met up at the Aptos St BBQ in Aptos which is the second location of the Mission St BBQ in Santa Cruz, a popular place for locals and visitors alike and then after we all met up and had a few beers Twisted took off to finish his pre-laid trail, but not without ditching his dog with Thmp-Thmp because managing a pre-lay and a dog is a lot for any half mind and then after we all thought it was long enough the pack took off and we stumbled across our first check which was at the entrance to Nisene Marks, it was quickly solved (or so we thought) and the entire pack started to run down hill on Spreckles heading towards the water, we passed street after street after street until in the distance we saw the two FRB’s, Dung Fu Grip and Cock Throbbin turn around to face us and this is when we knew we were in trouble, the entire pack had to turn around since they found a nice little YBF (You’ve Been Fisted) and so as we are running back I see thmp-thmp and our visitor Clownmydia from Portland, Oregon chatting it up with a couple of guys who were smoking something which apparently turned into the first guerilla beer check on trail and so we all go up this hill, or at least all of us expect TIMMY!!! who believed the mis-guiding street signs and went off trail but luckily wondered back onto trail somewhere; so up the hill we go back to Soquel Drive and find ourselves back at the first check where there are now new marks at leading us towards Nisene Marks and so the pack follows the marks and there is Twisted with his shit eating grin laughing at all of us for running up and down Spreckles when true trail was really only about three-quarters of a mile long, I overheard Finger Nips call him a genius (which she was later given a down-down for) and I soon learned of a second guerilla beer check which transpired in front of the home of Just Kate and Just Jackson who claim they forgot hashing is on Thursday nights despite the email and Facebook invitations they receive, but at least they are kind and share beer with the people who read their email before sending it directly to the trash folder; so after a little fun and games we headed off to religion where we celebrated the arrival of a new virgin, Mirit and her dog Mosey who haven’t seen seen since and maybe this is because the beer fairy, Cock Throbbin didn’t give her a big enough pour, we had one backslider that evening, New Kids on My Cock and then the pack was drunk and out of control so things were wrapped up and a bunch of the group headed back to Aptos BBQ to grab some munchins and libations before calling it an evening and that’s about all there was folks!

Run-On-On,
Ho to Housewife

It doesn’t take much for hashers to make fools of themselves.   We are halfminds after all.  The Anal Lampshade hash is the perfect opportunity to throw a lampshade on your head and run around town like a bunch of fools.  Ho to Housewife was scheduled to co-hare, but was under the weather.  Too much partying at Betty Ford!  Dung Fu Grip agreed to fill in at the last minute to hare with Cock Throbbin’.    It was a small pack this week.  A lot of hashers were still hung over from Betty Ford.  It sounds like everyone survived the weekend despite the ungodly 100 degree heat. If I am correct, this might be Surf City’s first visit to KC’s Sports Bar & Lounge on Pacific Ave.   It might be the last.  There were plenty of fashionable bedazzled lampshades this year.   I went for the pink, feather Vegas show girl look.  Hugh Heifer sported a bovine inspired shade that captured the essence of her hippy vegetarian cow persona.  Fingernips wore a really tall lampshade that lit up.  It was definitely a fashion statement.  Luckily she’s not tall or she would have issues getting through doorways.  Pink Cherry Licker and Fap Jack had a mod vibe going on with their Devo inspired shades.   dBASED sported a little kid inspired shade with crayon drawings on it.  Occasional Rapist, TIMMY!!!  and Cock Throbbin” went for the clean look.  Stylish but not fancy.  Dung Fu Grip had rabbit ears sticking out the top of his.  Wicked Retahted attached his shade to a baseball helmet, so it didn’t fall off.   My Little Bony wore a red Fez.  But the best had to be Banana Basher’s bubble making frog lampshade!

My GPS logged trail at 4 miles.  It went across the river to the lamp store for a group photo.  Banana Basher, My Little Bony and Wicked Retahted walked across the street to the nearest bar.  The rest of the pack crossed the street, followed trail down Dakota, to Broadway.  It went several blocks down Broadway, across Ocean Street, then  left on Ocean View to Soquel near Shoppers Corner.  We crossed Soquel to North Branicforte.  There was a tricky right turn through some parking lot, to a nasty bum wine check.  The rest of trail was a big loop, on that side of Soquel, around those neighborhoods, down the big hill on Berkeley Way, to a beer check on the trail along the Branciforte Creek.

Religion was on top of Oswald’s Parking Garage.  Dung Fu Grip did double duty and also served a RA for the evening.  Hugh Heifer was Beer Fairy.  TIMMY!!! was called up for a down down.  I don’t remember why.  He changed into sweats that made him look like an old guy from a nursing home.  Luckily he remembered to bring beer and chips!dBASED was called up for shooting off his mouth.  What else is new?  He told the hares how he “almost caught them”, but didn’t.  Hugh Heifer drank for auto hashing for 3 whole blocks.  Since most of the pack went to Betty Ford, Yours Truly, Dog Breath, Banana Basher and My Little Bony drank for not going to Betty Ford.   Wicked Retahted, Banana and Bony drank for not doing trail and not making it to beer check.  There were several Analversaries!  Cock Throbbin’ for 25, Dung Fu Grip for 100, Dog Breath for 250, and Puff the Magic Drag Queen for 775 Surf City Hashes!  Get a life!  And last but not least, the Hares………………

On On, Shallow Hole

Let’s go back in time to hash 786 when Bigfoot roamed the forest, then the hashers moved in.

The pack convened at the locally notorious Bigfoot Museum, where many locals have passed by but rarely stopped in. We were treated to after hours access by Michael, who is possibly a descendant of Bigfoot himself but now spends his days running this high falutin joint.

After some mingling, hares Occasional Rapist and Mortal Enema took off, literally. They threw flour here and there (possibly hanging out from a car window) and had no real trail planned. This was proven to us when the FRB’s ran into the DFL’s, trail crossed over itself and disappeared. Later we learned that the hares were hiding in a bush, stifling their laughter as we all ran back and forth looking for the end of trail. The pack gave up and headed back to the museum. Craziest of them all, Dung Fu Grip, decided to run up the beginning of trail to try to find Beer Check. He came back with promises of beer& food. He lead the pack to beer check where Occasional and Mortal were trying to attract local Bigfoot with the PB&J sandwiches and granola bars (PB&J is rumored to be the big guy’s favorite). The local neighbors were starting to stir so we headed back to religion at the Museum.

Pink Cherry Liquor was named as beer fairy. Pink twisted her ankle on trail and immediately seeked to heal herself by heading to the bar, to get ice of course! Fap Jack is always looking out for his lady and was given a down-down for accompanying her to the bar, to help her apply the ice… of course.

Shady Curtains and Mr Wiggly were awarded down-downs for being our visitors that night, even though they just came up from Monterey, something they seem to do quite often. More than often they just show up and drink all of our beer, but this time they brought us a virgin, a nice foreign one at that! He sang us a brute German drinking song.

Shallow Hole celebrated the analversary of her 175th hash with Surf City, get a life woman!

Hugh Heifer was given a down down for being our pack cougar. I’m excited to see this sexy cat in action at Betty Ford.

TIMMY!!! was awarded a down-down for trying to infiltrate the minds of Occasional Rapist and Mortal Enema. Why would you punish yourself like that man? You’re supposed to be retired and enjoying life. He was a teacher, some people are just a little masochistic I guess.

Mr Wiggly came up and gave some announcements which are of no matter now, since they have all passed. He also lifted his toga to give us a flash of the true Mr Wiggly himself.

As we were wrapping things up, our host Michael came by with one of his baby Bigfoots and we invited him over for a beer (and a song). When we were done he quickly grabbed up the beer and ran away. I can’t say I blame him.

And the hares! Occasional and Mortal were brought up and we paid respects to the departed trail 786.

On on on was held at The Cremer House, which I’m told was quite nice (Yelp tells a different story)

May the hash go in peace, or pieces… whichever….