Hash # 751 (AKA Another fucking D’BASED Obstacle Course)

For this trail, we met at Aptos St. BBQ.  Aptos is generally a bit of a nightmare to get to during rush hour traffic, but it was particularly difficult for the hashers coming over 17.  Highway 17 had been closed in both directions all day, so cheers to everyone who made it down there……eventually.  Apparently it is legal to drink on the sidewalk if there is a planter box.  So there we are.

The hares, D’BASED and Occasional Rapist took off in either direction.  Now I realize that the smart money would have been to follow Occasional, go through whatever false or backcheck we found, and continue on to find the rest of the trail.  But none of us is all that smart, so we followed D’BASED on true trail.  That led to a big ass hill down into the creek.  Here are Shallow Hole and TIMMY!!! going down the hill:

I did not choose to go down that path because I felt like it might lead to me being sad and broken, but but I could see down onto the creek and it looked like everyone was having tons of fun.  They looked especially overjoyed by the many creepy underpass tunnels they got to wade through.  Soooooo sorry I missed that part.  Also, there was lots of wading through the creek.

While all the cool kids were down mucking around in the creek, a few us found a parallel route and met back up with the trail where it came up under the overpass in a spot where Twisted Fister has set beer check a few times.  From there, trail headed back up toward Kauboi and we all realized how easy it would have been to shortcut.

Although we knew we were close  to where religion would be, trail pushed up the hill.  Would we go to Butt Balls’s house?  No.  It was another week of trudging down into Nicene Marks.  From there it was a series of increasingly difficult obstacles, punctuating a beautiful run up a dry creek bed.  We can thank the drought for not having to get our shoes wet again.  Here are some of the dangers that blocked out path:

There’s this one.

I feel like someone would ambush Indiana Jones here.

Then to get out, we had to climb out here.

After climbing out of the canyon, bruised but not defeated,we had to walk up, yet another, big-ass hill to make our way to beer check.  We enjoyed a well deserved beverage while getting strange looks from residents of the neighborhood.  Then down the hill for religion!

It was D’BASED’s birthday so there was a beautiful spread of meat, crackers, hummus, pita, chips, and other noms.  And Cupcakes! It was nice to have something besides the usual hash dinner.  It turned out to also be the birthday of Virgin Ray, another confused soul brought into the fold by Wicked.  He told a joke.  We tried to keep religion short, so there would be time to go have dinner at the BBQ place.  We did have a naming that night.  Because he is such a big wanker, his name is now…..Tiny Wanker.

This week the pack met up at the UCSC West remote parking lot.  We were at the mercy of TIMMY!!! and Pink Cherry Licker.  Surf City doesn’t hash at UCSC campus very often.  We’re suspects on their most wanted list since the infamous anthrax scare incident last September.    The cops drove through the parking lot a few times, but didn’t stop.  Aside from the usual Surf City suspects, we had one visitor.   Under Mother Fucker was the lone representative of the Can’d Hash.  Cum Pumper took a break from school and made the trek over the hill.  The weather this evening was splendid and everyone was in a particularly “cheerful” mood.  Accuprick was in a particularly cheerful mood.  He is now officially retired!  Congratulations you lucky bastard!  Cheerleading camp was taking place on campus and we could hear echoes of perky teenagers in the distance.  Puff The Magic Drag Queen was wishing he had a better zoom lens on his camera.  Mortal Enema was reminiscing of her days at cheer camp.  I was a band/drama geek and only went to band camp. It was held at our high school, so I didn’t get to travel anywhere.

It was a shiggylicious trail with some amazing views.  According to my GPS, it was a 4.2 mile loop.  We traversed through the forest, drank fireball whiskey, dodged huge piles of cow poop, ran with the deer through fields, climbed over a couple fences, crossed a log bridge over a dried up stream, saw an abandoned lime kiln, and were rewarded with beer!  Dung Fu Grip, Cum Pumper and I were the FRB’s.  Thmp-Thmp was a short cutter and arrived at beer check before the FRB’s.  dBASED ran 6.5 miles and who the fuck knows where he went.  When he didn’t show up at beer check, no one was worried.  He’s like a homing pigeon, he always finds his way.  Sure enough, we found him back at the start.

Religion was held in the woods next to the parking lot.   Accuprick was RA, and Mortal Enema was beer Fairy.  It was her first time and she started by trying to clean the cups!  LOL!  Just Alex was called up for blood and ticks on trail.  Dbased was punished for not being at the beer/liquor checks.  Hugh Heifer drank for posing for a photo pooping on cow poop.  Ask Princess Di (arrhea) if you want to see it.  It’s too pornographic for the hash trash.  Accuprick celebrated his retirement day!  Under Mother Fucker was welcomed as a visitor.   And last but not least, the Hares……………………..

See you tomorrow for the Wank Yer Doodle Weenie Roast at Brommer Street Park at 30th Ave. & Brommer St. in Santa Cruz.  We’re Americans God damn it!  We may be getting taxed to death, the Supreme Court is banning insurance coverage for contraceptives, but we can still celebrate our freedom to drink beer!  Thmp-Thmp & Princess Diarrhea have promised us weenies.

On On,

Shallow Hole

The luau themed Hash 747, aka Ocassional Rapist’s Birthday Hash, aka the Airplane Hash, started at Aloha Island Grille on Portola. Even though a good portion of the pack skipped out on the Surf City Hash that night to go to Whip It Out at the Ball Game (more like Get Kicked Out at the Ball Game), we still had a great turn out! The weather was beautiful and our hares took full advantage of that leading us around the neighborhoods and beaches and under an incredible moon hanging low in the sky. Anyone who sat inside instead of coming to this hash really missed out.

We started off toward the beach, down a false, and eventually figured out that we were being circle jerked back in the other direction. But it really wouldn’t be a D’BASED trail if there wasn’t a really confusing start. We headed away from the beach, through the neighborhoods, and into the shiggy. We crossed a little creek where Twat Did You Say? Found someone’s burner phone. We went by a lagoon where I got mosquito bites on my sunburn. Then we came out on to 7^th and headed back to the beach.

Just before rounding the corner to beer check, Fingernips and I saw a rat eating one of the flour marks on the beach. So disgusting. What wasn’t disgusting was spread of food laid out for us at beer check. Do it yourself spam musubi, cupcakes, and……beer! We enjoyed our feast for awhile before heading to the next beach over for religion.

Dung Fu Grip served as RA and chose Shady Curtains as his Beer Fairy. Dog Breath’s bowl was somehow broken and now he has to drink out of a half bowl, but Dung Fu took no pity on him and instead poured an entire beer over Dog Breath’s head in retaliation for the incident several weeks ago. Wicked Retahted did his best to live up to his name, by generally trying to hold up the proceedings and push some random lady who hadn’t done trail up in circle. Fap Jack and I got called up for not getter lei-ed. (I swear we had leis at some point). We had three Virgins! Virgin Alex told joke that make sense, Virgin Mel told a joke that didn’t, and Virgin Sean showed his butt. Mortal Enema, Cum Pumper, and Hooker on Cronix, Bitch were called up as backsliders. There were a bunch of visitors. And the hares! We called up D’BASED and Occasional for their shitty trail.

And did I mention the moon?

So………….. Surf City had a Red Dress Run. Was it this week? Ummm… no it was over a month ago. But since I arrived at it super late, I figured I’d be super late writing about it too. My memory of the event is a little fuzzy, but I’ll put up a bunch of pictures of guys in dresses to make up for it. Since puff is much more reliable (there’s such a fine line between reliability and OCD), there are always pictures.

The pack met at The Rush Inn to get nice and shitty before heading out into the beautiful Santa Cruz weather. I assume trail went through downtown because it ended up at a sangria check underneath a bridge along the San Lorenzo River. Yummy, yummy sangria.

Then the hares paraded the pack down in front of the Boardwalk for all of the tourists to see. We went up to Westcliff to find a jello shot/picture check at the surfer statue. He is meant to be a sacred memorial to all of the surfers who have been lost in our waters. So we dressed him up in a red boa and took obscene pictures with him.

From there, the Eagles kept running around the West Side. I gather from looking through the flash that they had some sort of drink check in Neary Lagoon. Meanwhile the turkeys said, “fuck it,” and walked to beer check at the Blue Lagoon. Oh wait, I see what they did there, Lagoon checks all around! We drank, someone lost the hippie because she was hungry, but she turned up at circle.

Religion was on top of a parking garage downtown. TIMMY!! and Dung Fu Grip were co-RAs, because it was just too hard to pick. We had a huge circle, with beautiful early-evening lighting, but I couldn’t hear a fucking thing that happened, because some visitors from Monterey wouldn’t shut the fuck up. They seriously talked through the whole thing. I’m pretty sure Deep Stroke won something. Sluttiest Dress? I voted for her, even though I didn’t know what was happening. I did see one of our GM’s, graciously shove a hariette who had been over-served into the back of her car and cart her away.

And the hares…..Once again a shitty Red Dress Trail was brought to us by the trio of Shallow Hole, Occasional Rapist, and Hugh Heifer. So they were punished with beer.

From there we went back to the Rush Inn where they had promised to make us Spaghetti Dinner. And they did. And it was good. And there was much rejoicing.

Puff the Magic Drag Queen and Dung Fu Grip summoned the pack to the Crepe Place.  AKA the Creepy Place.  Since Puff was haring, Princess Di (arrhea) did hash cash and Fingernips was guest hash flasher.  Banana Basher made it out this week.  Hell, the bar is only a few blocks from his house!  I hear he rarely leaves his man cave these days.  His drinking buddy Apple Bobber showed up in his work duds.

There was some breakage and spillage at the bar.  TIMMY!!! was drinking his usual martini, knocked over his drink and broke the glass (for the nineteenth time)!  There was no blood drawn, but I would still classify that as alcohol abuse! 

Plastic Pussy resurfaced after a year!  You think he would have a good excuse.  He said he was just being lazy.  We had a Virgin this week!  Virgin Travis was “sponsored” by Just Jeremiah and Just Marisol.  I’m sure the bar was thrilled to get rid of us when the pack left.

Trail started out simple enough.  There were no checks initially.  We went left out the front door of the bar, left on Cayuga Street.  There was a check 1 block down.  I’m assuming that this is the place where we lost the “non runners”.  On On was called going left down Hanover, then left down an alley.  We meandered around neighborhood streets until we ended up on Soquel Avenue.  Trail headed right down Capitola Road to 7^th avenue.  We finally ended up going down by the Harbor, down a shiggy hill to a bum wine check.  Then we had to cross the big log across the water to get to the other side.  Last time we did that, it was at night.  This was definitely better than pitch dark at night.  Dung Fu later said he was listening to Jewish Folk Music and that’s what inspired him to buy the Manischewitz wine.  TIMMY!!! is half Jewish and drinking it reminded him of happy memories of Passover at Aunt Ethyl and Uncle Morty’s house.  I can only claim Jewish by insemination.  La Heim!

Trail continued through Arena Gulch up a hill.  Then we went down through some shiggy and had to slide down a steep hill on our asses.  There was a turkey eagle split.  TIMMY!!! took the turkey trail.  I was on the eagle and met up with Diddler on the Roofie and Thmp-Thmp.  We climbed up a hill through some massive shiggy that included picker bushes and PO.  Lesson learned.  Wear shiggy socks because you never know where the damn Hares will go next.  The turkeys and eagles met back up again at the top.  We were at Fredrick Street Park.  It seemed like it took the same time for TIMMY!!! to meet back up with us again.  We were on Harbor and saw evidence of a “Hare Snare”.  We ran through a church parking lot, through a school and meandered our way to Seabright to beer check and religion at Puff’s house.  My watch said 3.85 miles.

Accuprick was RA and appointed Twat do you Say? the beer fairy because she went to her school’s graduation and was dressed in a pretty pink dress.  No one could find the crown, so she wore Dung Fu’s unicorn hat.  Poor Nippless Butt’s feet were bleeding for some unknown reason.  Otherwise he appeared fine.  Since there was dog blood in the circle, Dog Breath was called up for a down down.  Twisted Fister had blood on trail, so he drank too.  Wankers who didn’t do trail were called up next.  Just Chip, Wicked Retahted, Banana Basher and Apple Bobber all were looking mighty lit and drank a down down.  Wicked stayed there to receive a gift, a Retard Hasher shirt from Accuprick.  If the shoe fits……..  Moose Turd Pie accused the hares of a crime. The eagle trail was shorter than the turkey.  That from a guy who showed up to hash in jeans and street clothes.  He wants it longer and harder!  Plastic Pussy was called up for being a backslider.  He said he was out running drunk by himself and ended up getting arrested and sent to jail!  Well now that you’re back, you can run drunk with 20 other people.  There’s safety in numbers.  Dog Breath, Mothers Little Felcher and Moose Turd Pie snared a hare- Puff.  Give the old man a break!  Dung Fu ran through a group of church camp children to avoid being snared.  There were a few Analveraries.  Moose Turd Pie celebrated his 5^th Surf City Hash!  Diddler on the Roofie and Fap Jack celebrated 25 hashes.  Occasional Rapist celebrated 150 hashes!  Get a life!  Virgin Travis was called up.  Just Jeremiah made him cum.  He told a joke and showed us a tattoo on his ass cheek.  Nice!  TIMMY!!! was called up for breaking a glass at the bar.  He will now be drinking from a TIMMMY!!! Tippy cup.  Fap Jack was called up because he celebrated his 30^th birthday this past week.  Happy Birthday, fuck you!  dBASED was called up for being “too red”.  He got a sunburn on his head.  Congratulations to Hot Wheels who graduated high school this week!  And last but not least, the Hares…………………………..

This week we will be convening at the Aloha Grille on Portola Drive for Occasional Rapist’s Aloha Birthday hash, and their pre-lube for SDH3 RDR!  See you there!

On On,

Shallow Hole

This week, our Hares, Dung Fu Grip, Pink Cherry Licker and Hugh Heifer decided to do a Big Lebowski themed hash.  The pack met up at Tampico, Hugh Heifer’s favorite joint.   Hashers were asked to dress like a character from the movie.  There were several Dudes in bathrobes, Pink Cherry Licker and Broke Bench Mountain dressed like Walter, Hugh was Donnie, Princess Di (arrhea) and Finger Nips were Maude and yours truly was Bunny Lebowski.  Waxi Pad showed up as “The Big Pavelski”.  Puff dressed like Puff.  He has said on several occasions that he dislikes “themed costume hashes”.  He’s the first drag queen that I met that doesn’t like to dress up.  WTF!  Come on Puff!  It’s fun!

There were 3 trails and the intricate plan was devised after the hares smoked a lot of weed.  There was a Dude trail (Dung Fu), a Walter trail (Pink Cherry Licker) and a Donnie trail (Hugh Heifer).  All trails lead to a white Russian check in the beach flats and ended at the parking area on east Cliff Drive overlooking Seabright Beach. 

Donnie died, and so did his trail, after the white Russian check, however no one found his ashes.  Several cars honked at yelled cat calls at Princess Di (arrhea) for her outfit.  There was a nut job on the beach and Just Jeff started yelling pirate shit at him.  Some chick approached the group and asked for help solving a crossword puzzle.  Pink Cherry Licker gave her the answer and she went on her merry little way.

Religion was in the parking lot above the bowling alley.  Hairy Potter was RA, Thmp-Thmp was Beer Fairy.

Just Jeff was up for naming.  The last 2 hashes, he showed up dressed like a pirate.  Aside from being an asshole, he also was a bee keeper.  He was named Bee Qeefer.  Welcome to the hash!  Virgin Evan was called up next.  Moose Turd Pie made him cum.  That dude seemed like he was on his own trip.  Possibly an alien from mars.  He told a lame joke.  There were 2 analversaries- Broke bench Mountain celebrated his 225^th hash and Puff the “I don’t want to dress up” Drag Queen celebrated his 669^th consecutive hash!  Get a life!  Accuprick, Choka Cola, dBASED and Puff drank for not wearing costumes.  Religion was cut short by some asshole tourist who couldn’t park his minivan.  He got out of his vehicle and yelled “you don’t belong here!”  He got on his phone.  We suspected he was calling the cops, so the hash left in peace.  And the Hares…………

See you Wankers on Thursday!

On On,

Shallow “Bunny” Hole